So much water under the bridge
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 500
So much water under the bridge
It was Feb 13 last year when I asked my AH to leave our home. I had returned back in town after another cancer surgery and he admitted he had been drinking. It seems like a lifetime ago. The following evening I had my daughter at the therapist on Valentines day and it sucked. Yesterday I broke down in tears during a long car ride. I think I am mourning the loss of possibilities now. I am the person who put so much effort into holidays but especially Valentines day. We celebrated as a family I decorated like crazy had little gifts, big dinners and a ridiculous amount of balloons. The last memory of Valentines as a family was a dinner with undercooked chicken seriously it was dangerous and my drunk spouse eating the bloody chicken while the rest of us begged him not to. Its so weird to look back to that time. I had started scheduling all the important events so I wouldn't be disappointed i.e. my birthday, anniversary, valentines. Time and time again he would show up drunk to these and ruin the experience. So as I'm crying yesterday it was different. I wasn't crying for what I lost because my visions never actually materialized on those days. I was crying for the woman who was always hopeful and I was crying because she tried for so long. Deep down I know none of these isn't because I wasn't good enough but sometimes it just feels like a giant rejection of who I am. Over the last few years I have been bringing down my walls, opening up who I am and during that time my AH really started hating me (or at least thats what his actions showed). I love who I am. I am kind, funny, loving, loyal, giving, strong, weak, emotional, artistic and irreverent. I cried because as I have come into myself I have rejected by the one who I thought loved me. He didn't love me, he loved the vision of me he had created, the real me is soooooo much more than that. Anyway my DD and I had a wonderful Valentines Day. We are making new traditions while honoring the old.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
