Wife at Rehab - I'm Lost
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 6
Wife at Rehab - I'm Lost
Hi all,
Almost 2 weeks ago, my wife was coming home from a school function with our 6 year old daughter when my phone rang. It was a firefighter saying my wife had been involved in an accident and asking me if she had any medical problems which might explain her strange behavior. Unfortunately, my first thought was not whether she had a seizure, but rather, how much had she had to drink? I knew that sometimes she drank too much and drank in secret, and I'd asked her to stop, but she didn't. I never realized what a problem she had until I was at a hospital, our 2 and 1 year old sons in each of my arms, and going into a room to find my daughter confused, my beautiful wife as drunk as could be and hearing a nurse say "she just urinated in the bed". In our state, even a first DUI with a child in the car is a felony and CPS is involved. She had a .3 BAC and had somehow managed to down more than half a 750 mL bottle of vodka while volunteering at a school event during a 3 hour period. In addition, opiates were found in her blood despite her not having any prescription or reason to be taking them.
I got her into an inpatient treatment facility and dropped her off 36 hours after the incident. I feel so alone and in trying to find out how to deal with a spouse away in rehab, I keep coming across articles talking about how common cheating and sex is in rehab centers. I only get to talk to my wife once a week and only for a brief period. I never thought infidelity was a possibility, but neither did I think a DUI with a child in the car was either. I'm doing my best to hold everything together for our family but it's hard not being able to talk to anyone and having to cover for her.
So apart from venting a little, I'm seeking advice. How does one balance anger at their spouse for putting their own life and our child's life (as well as the general public) in danger with loving and supporting your partner? My wife is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I just want to help her, but how do you stay strong when you don't have any idea what's going on? This is all new to me and something I never thought I'd have to deal with. Thanks for reading and for letting me vent.
Almost 2 weeks ago, my wife was coming home from a school function with our 6 year old daughter when my phone rang. It was a firefighter saying my wife had been involved in an accident and asking me if she had any medical problems which might explain her strange behavior. Unfortunately, my first thought was not whether she had a seizure, but rather, how much had she had to drink? I knew that sometimes she drank too much and drank in secret, and I'd asked her to stop, but she didn't. I never realized what a problem she had until I was at a hospital, our 2 and 1 year old sons in each of my arms, and going into a room to find my daughter confused, my beautiful wife as drunk as could be and hearing a nurse say "she just urinated in the bed". In our state, even a first DUI with a child in the car is a felony and CPS is involved. She had a .3 BAC and had somehow managed to down more than half a 750 mL bottle of vodka while volunteering at a school event during a 3 hour period. In addition, opiates were found in her blood despite her not having any prescription or reason to be taking them.
I got her into an inpatient treatment facility and dropped her off 36 hours after the incident. I feel so alone and in trying to find out how to deal with a spouse away in rehab, I keep coming across articles talking about how common cheating and sex is in rehab centers. I only get to talk to my wife once a week and only for a brief period. I never thought infidelity was a possibility, but neither did I think a DUI with a child in the car was either. I'm doing my best to hold everything together for our family but it's hard not being able to talk to anyone and having to cover for her.
So apart from venting a little, I'm seeking advice. How does one balance anger at their spouse for putting their own life and our child's life (as well as the general public) in danger with loving and supporting your partner? My wife is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I just want to help her, but how do you stay strong when you don't have any idea what's going on? This is all new to me and something I never thought I'd have to deal with. Thanks for reading and for letting me vent.
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Location: Sherman Oaks, CA
Posts: 123
Hello MEPunymeier,
So sorry for what you have been through in the last month. Just keep in mind you might be in shock right now so it's important to take it very easy and make sure to eat, sleep (if you can) and do anything you can to help you calm your nerves.
I would stay away from horror stories about rehab romances, it does happen but so does recovery. If you are open to it, you might want to pop by an al-anon meeting and just listen. There is a lot of support there and many men have been through what you are going through with small children as well. You are not alone.
Keep reaching out here learn what you can about the disease of alcoholism and opiate addiction too but I suggest not overwhelming yourself, A lot has happened and it's all very terrifying.
If you can see a therapist that would really help too, someone who is trained in addiction issues is always good.
Hope you find some relief and please know there a lot of people who have been through this and things worked out okay, read success stories too-
All the best.
So sorry for what you have been through in the last month. Just keep in mind you might be in shock right now so it's important to take it very easy and make sure to eat, sleep (if you can) and do anything you can to help you calm your nerves.
I would stay away from horror stories about rehab romances, it does happen but so does recovery. If you are open to it, you might want to pop by an al-anon meeting and just listen. There is a lot of support there and many men have been through what you are going through with small children as well. You are not alone.
Keep reaching out here learn what you can about the disease of alcoholism and opiate addiction too but I suggest not overwhelming yourself, A lot has happened and it's all very terrifying.
If you can see a therapist that would really help too, someone who is trained in addiction issues is always good.
Hope you find some relief and please know there a lot of people who have been through this and things worked out okay, read success stories too-
All the best.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 196
My husband has two DUIs. Both times the car was totaled. He was lucky that he did not hurt anyone else and that he was okay.
There is this amazing person that you love. But this same person has another side that keeps blindsiding you. It is like you are hitting a rockbottom yourself.
After my husband's 2nd DUI, I filed for divorce for a 2nd time. I did not care if anyone else wanted him. I just wanted to take care of myself and my kids.
The Getting Them Sober books are a good source. It is about setting boundaries and letting them fall. Your wife has to do this by herself.
I would not worry about her cheating on you. Have confidence in yourself that she is lucky to have you. She needs to gain back your trust by staying sober.
Be her friend while she is at rehab. I think we can sometimes put people in our life on a pedestal and sometimes your love for each other really needs to be more equal and it needs to be able to keep growing. I really valued the times my husband just had a real conversation.
There is this amazing person that you love. But this same person has another side that keeps blindsiding you. It is like you are hitting a rockbottom yourself.
After my husband's 2nd DUI, I filed for divorce for a 2nd time. I did not care if anyone else wanted him. I just wanted to take care of myself and my kids.
The Getting Them Sober books are a good source. It is about setting boundaries and letting them fall. Your wife has to do this by herself.
I would not worry about her cheating on you. Have confidence in yourself that she is lucky to have you. She needs to gain back your trust by staying sober.
Be her friend while she is at rehab. I think we can sometimes put people in our life on a pedestal and sometimes your love for each other really needs to be more equal and it needs to be able to keep growing. I really valued the times my husband just had a real conversation.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 6
Thank you both. Good suggestion on the Al Anon meetings, I think I may try that. I will also look at the Getting Them Sober book. To my wife's credit she was very willing to go to treatment and acknowledged she has a problem. I am not sure whether it's alcoholism or if it's mental illness with self-medication. I'm sure having 2 children in 2 years can do a number on any woman's sanity and I think there are some post-partum issues there too. Whatever it is, I'm proud of her for getting the help that she needs even if it took a terrible event to make it happen.
I'm not nearly as mad as I was at first, I'm now focused on supporting her and making sure she knows she's loved and that despite her bad actions, she's not irredeemable. I've never met someone I was so attracted to, so compatible with, and so in love with and I feel lucky to be her husband. This has just thrown me for such a complete loop.
There's a lot of underlying issues she needs to work on and I've already seen a counselor for myself who suggested the same thing about boundaries and being someone who holds the rope so she can pull herself out of the hole, rather than doing the traditional "man" thing of trying to rescue her by pulling on the rope to get her out. It was a good metaphor.
The cheating thing seemed so pervasive in some of the things I was reading for people in recovery, I just got worried. I know logically that she wouldn't want to risk our family or our marriage any further but my mind plays tricks on me once I've put the kids to bed and it's just me alone in the house.
Thank you for the support, it means a lot.
I'm not nearly as mad as I was at first, I'm now focused on supporting her and making sure she knows she's loved and that despite her bad actions, she's not irredeemable. I've never met someone I was so attracted to, so compatible with, and so in love with and I feel lucky to be her husband. This has just thrown me for such a complete loop.
There's a lot of underlying issues she needs to work on and I've already seen a counselor for myself who suggested the same thing about boundaries and being someone who holds the rope so she can pull herself out of the hole, rather than doing the traditional "man" thing of trying to rescue her by pulling on the rope to get her out. It was a good metaphor.
The cheating thing seemed so pervasive in some of the things I was reading for people in recovery, I just got worried. I know logically that she wouldn't want to risk our family or our marriage any further but my mind plays tricks on me once I've put the kids to bed and it's just me alone in the house.
Thank you for the support, it means a lot.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Wow, you have a lot going on.
I would take this time to get the support you need for you and your children. You cannot control the outcome, or anything she does. She is in rehab, leave her to it. Pray for the best, prepare for the worst.
It's time to shift your life. Your children must be your #1 responsibility. She could have killed them, or someone else. I would prepare to take over the household, and to never let her drive your children, ever, until she has proven to be sober over the course of a long period of time.
I encourage you to seek out Celebrate Recovery for support for yourself. Many have free babysitting or age appropriate sessions for children if needed. A therapist who helps families deal with addiction would be good as well.
Breathe. Take this time to regroup and do some healing on your own. Here at SR is a great place to vent and share, and read to get experiences that are similar.
I would take this time to get the support you need for you and your children. You cannot control the outcome, or anything she does. She is in rehab, leave her to it. Pray for the best, prepare for the worst.
It's time to shift your life. Your children must be your #1 responsibility. She could have killed them, or someone else. I would prepare to take over the household, and to never let her drive your children, ever, until she has proven to be sober over the course of a long period of time.
I encourage you to seek out Celebrate Recovery for support for yourself. Many have free babysitting or age appropriate sessions for children if needed. A therapist who helps families deal with addiction would be good as well.
Breathe. Take this time to regroup and do some healing on your own. Here at SR is a great place to vent and share, and read to get experiences that are similar.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
don't let that anger go too quickly. she could have killed your daughter, herself or another innocent person. she deliberately consumed that alcohol, she deliberately took pills on top of it and she deliberately drove a vehicle WITH your precious child inside.
if that had been ANYONE else would you be so forgiving?
yes it's good she is in treatment. but she crossed a lot of lines during her using. and you now have CPS involved. that is all on her.
if that had been ANYONE else would you be so forgiving?
yes it's good she is in treatment. but she crossed a lot of lines during her using. and you now have CPS involved. that is all on her.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I am glad you found us, lots of experience on these boards with others who have been right where you are today. I think knowledge is our best tool. Gain as much of it as you can on alcoholism, addiction and addict behaviors.
Understand that rehab is not a cure, it’s merely an opportunity for her to detox off the pills/booze and then given her own tools to use to help her remain in sobriety. Once she leaves the facility the rest is all up to her and her alone.
Al-anon would be good for you and or talking with a therapist who can help you maneuver this thing called “addiction”.
Understand that rehab is not a cure, it’s merely an opportunity for her to detox off the pills/booze and then given her own tools to use to help her remain in sobriety. Once she leaves the facility the rest is all up to her and her alone.
Al-anon would be good for you and or talking with a therapist who can help you maneuver this thing called “addiction”.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Originally Posted by MEPunymeier 
Hi all,
Almost 2 weeks ago, my wife was coming home from a school function with our 6 year old daughter when my phone rang. It was a firefighter saying my wife had been involved in an accident and asking me if she had any medical problems which might explain her strange behavior. Unfortunately, my first thought was not whether she had a seizure, but rather, how much had she had to drink? I knew that sometimes she drank too much and drank in secret, and I'd asked her to stop, but she didn't. I never realized what a problem she had until I was at a hospital, our 2 and 1 year old sons in each of my arms, and going into a room to find my daughter confused, my beautiful wife as drunk as could be and hearing a nurse say "she just urinated in the bed". In our state, even a first DUI with a child in the car is a felony and CPS is involved. She had a .3 BAC and had somehow managed to down more than half a 750 mL bottle of vodka while volunteering at a school event during a 3 hour period. In addition, opiates were found in her blood despite her not having any prescription or reason to be taking them.
I got her into an inpatient treatment facility and dropped her off 36 hours after the incident. I feel so alone and in trying to find out how to deal with a spouse away in rehab, I keep coming across articles talking about how common cheating and sex is in rehab centers. I only get to talk to my wife once a week and only for a brief period. I never thought infidelity was a possibility, but neither did I think a DUI with a child in the car was either. I'm doing my best to hold everything together for our family but it's hard not being able to talk to anyone and having to cover for her.
So apart from venting a little, I'm seeking advice. How does one balance anger at their spouse for putting their own life and our child's life (as well as the general public) in danger with loving and supporting your partner? My wife is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I just want to help her, but how do you stay strong when you don't have any idea what's going on? This is all new to me and something I never thought I'd have to deal with. Thanks for reading and for letting me vent.
Almost 2 weeks ago, my wife was coming home from a school function with our 6 year old daughter when my phone rang. It was a firefighter saying my wife had been involved in an accident and asking me if she had any medical problems which might explain her strange behavior. Unfortunately, my first thought was not whether she had a seizure, but rather, how much had she had to drink? I knew that sometimes she drank too much and drank in secret, and I'd asked her to stop, but she didn't. I never realized what a problem she had until I was at a hospital, our 2 and 1 year old sons in each of my arms, and going into a room to find my daughter confused, my beautiful wife as drunk as could be and hearing a nurse say "she just urinated in the bed". In our state, even a first DUI with a child in the car is a felony and CPS is involved. She had a .3 BAC and had somehow managed to down more than half a 750 mL bottle of vodka while volunteering at a school event during a 3 hour period. In addition, opiates were found in her blood despite her not having any prescription or reason to be taking them.
I got her into an inpatient treatment facility and dropped her off 36 hours after the incident. I feel so alone and in trying to find out how to deal with a spouse away in rehab, I keep coming across articles talking about how common cheating and sex is in rehab centers. I only get to talk to my wife once a week and only for a brief period. I never thought infidelity was a possibility, but neither did I think a DUI with a child in the car was either. I'm doing my best to hold everything together for our family but it's hard not being able to talk to anyone and having to cover for her.
So apart from venting a little, I'm seeking advice. How does one balance anger at their spouse for putting their own life and our child's life (as well as the general public) in danger with loving and supporting your partner? My wife is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I just want to help her, but how do you stay strong when you don't have any idea what's going on? This is all new to me and something I never thought I'd have to deal with. Thanks for reading and for letting me vent.
I agree with Anvil - why do you need to get rid of the anger? Right now, take care of yourself and your 6 yr old, and let AW be left to her own devices. If you "put her" in rehab, and she didn't really want to go in the first place, chances are she will get little, if any, benefit from it and continue on her merry little way.
I would talk to a lawyer regarding divorce and the best way to protect you, your child, and your finances. Chances are your insurance rates will skyrocket, and maybe other implications as well. be on the offensive and be ready to take action. She will probably act all remorseful and sweet and gooey because she doesn't want to upset the applecart.
Set some hard boundaries and detach from her, or she will bring you right down the crapper with her.
I'm sorry you have to go through this. Keep posting and read all you can on this forum - we have a wonderful group of folks here with loads of awesome advice and (too) many years of experience.
COD
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Agree to all of the above & want to remind you that this is still very, VERY early in this process (even though I bet you're already feeling exhausted & depleted from it).
Don't feel like you need to figure it all out quickly or have all the right answers as you travel down this beginning path of setting boundaries & understanding addiction. Shifting your focus back to You & Your Needs may seem counterintuitive but it's a critical thing for personal health for most of us when dealing with active addiction & crisis situations like this.
Has she ever shown any awareness about her drinking problem before this? Do you have any kind of support system that you can lean on?
Don't feel like you need to figure it all out quickly or have all the right answers as you travel down this beginning path of setting boundaries & understanding addiction. Shifting your focus back to You & Your Needs may seem counterintuitive but it's a critical thing for personal health for most of us when dealing with active addiction & crisis situations like this.
Has she ever shown any awareness about her drinking problem before this? Do you have any kind of support system that you can lean on?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
Hi MP
I am very sorry for your situation.
You have received a lot of good advice so far from very experienced board members.
I just wanted to add from what you said - your wife had a very high BAC level & opiates found in her blood.
I want you to be aware that is an extremely dangerous combination of drugs and can be lethal. Both opiates & alcohol are depressants which serve to slow down the central nervous system. Breathing & heart rate can be slowed to the point of severe impairment & death. This is especially true when the drugs being abused (as in your wife's case) are in high amounts.
These types of deaths are happening in epidemic proportion all across the US.
I wish you all the best.
I am very sorry for your situation.
You have received a lot of good advice so far from very experienced board members.
I just wanted to add from what you said - your wife had a very high BAC level & opiates found in her blood.
I want you to be aware that is an extremely dangerous combination of drugs and can be lethal. Both opiates & alcohol are depressants which serve to slow down the central nervous system. Breathing & heart rate can be slowed to the point of severe impairment & death. This is especially true when the drugs being abused (as in your wife's case) are in high amounts.
These types of deaths are happening in epidemic proportion all across the US.
I wish you all the best.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Hello and welcome to SR.
I'm very sorry for what brings you here. I'm glad you've found these forums.
Here's a thread to help put some things in perspective. Addiction symptoms include minimizing words and believing, again and again, that everything will be okay without major work and major changes. These words from those who've been through this and have more introspection can be very helpful.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-addict.html (Dear Family (from the addict))
This is not something I want to post. Not today. Not with all you're going through.
There is hope... yet the sad reality is "hope" takes on a new context when addiction or alcoholism is involved. The HOPE and HEALING I have found first had to come for myself and my children. That's taken different routes as I've navigated through this Family Disease of Alcoholism. It affects all of us very deeply... even ... or perhaps especially the children we think aren't very aware of what's going on. They are.
I'm very sorry for what brings you here. I'm glad you've found these forums.
Here's a thread to help put some things in perspective. Addiction symptoms include minimizing words and believing, again and again, that everything will be okay without major work and major changes. These words from those who've been through this and have more introspection can be very helpful.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-addict.html (Dear Family (from the addict))
This is not something I want to post. Not today. Not with all you're going through.
There is hope... yet the sad reality is "hope" takes on a new context when addiction or alcoholism is involved. The HOPE and HEALING I have found first had to come for myself and my children. That's taken different routes as I've navigated through this Family Disease of Alcoholism. It affects all of us very deeply... even ... or perhaps especially the children we think aren't very aware of what's going on. They are.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
MEPuny.....since she is in a rehab center, now....she will have a counselor assigned to her.....many rehabs have a program for the family...or, invite the loved ones to come for certain meetings, etc....(each rehab is different)...
Perhaps you could call the counselor and inquire if there are any such services in their program...
She will have to give permission for the counselor to talk with you....but, you can call and ask about any family services....
I know that some rehabs have the spouse write an impact statement to be shared with the alcoholic in a therapeutic setting....
In any case, you need professional help as much as she does....at least, someone to show you where the rocks in the water are....
You might have some appointments with a licensed alcoholism counselor, for yourself....especially, one who is a long recovering alcoholic.....
In addition, there are a couple of books that might be of help for you...
1. "Loving Someone in Recovery"
2. "Everything Changes"......
***I saw that another poster suggested that you stop reading the horror stories of rehab romances....I agree with that. Don't let your imagination go wild....!
Perhaps you could call the counselor and inquire if there are any such services in their program...
She will have to give permission for the counselor to talk with you....but, you can call and ask about any family services....
I know that some rehabs have the spouse write an impact statement to be shared with the alcoholic in a therapeutic setting....
In any case, you need professional help as much as she does....at least, someone to show you where the rocks in the water are....
You might have some appointments with a licensed alcoholism counselor, for yourself....especially, one who is a long recovering alcoholic.....
In addition, there are a couple of books that might be of help for you...
1. "Loving Someone in Recovery"
2. "Everything Changes"......
***I saw that another poster suggested that you stop reading the horror stories of rehab romances....I agree with that. Don't let your imagination go wild....!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 81
I'm in a similar position and my husband is in outpatient rehab. They have a friends and family day where I can get support. They say not to worry about your spouse - they have people supporting them all day long in these programs.
We are the ones who get forgotten. You need to take care of yourself and your children right now. Find people you can talk to - go to al anon. Get a sitter and go get your self a massage or see a movie. Those of us who are holding the fort down while our spouses get help will burn out if we don't take care of ourselves.
Regarding the DUI - what does the felony mean - jail time? I'm having the same feelings of anger with my husband - he relapsed last week while I was away on a business trip. He let me down and did not care for our children properly. I go back and forth between being angry and letting it go.
We are the ones who get forgotten. You need to take care of yourself and your children right now. Find people you can talk to - go to al anon. Get a sitter and go get your self a massage or see a movie. Those of us who are holding the fort down while our spouses get help will burn out if we don't take care of ourselves.
Regarding the DUI - what does the felony mean - jail time? I'm having the same feelings of anger with my husband - he relapsed last week while I was away on a business trip. He let me down and did not care for our children properly. I go back and forth between being angry and letting it go.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 6
Thank you all for the sobering (no pun intended) advice. All of this is new to me. It's not that I wasn't angry. I was angry enough the first 24 hours for a lifetime. I let her have it, expressed my anger, talked about divorce, and spoke to her in a way I never imagined speaking to my wife. I don't feel bad about it at all, she deserved every bit of it. I'm naturally optimistic and hopeful, and perhaps that's coming out in this scenario. After the first day and after witnessing what I felt was true remorse, I just came to a place where I felt like she didn't need anger, she needed to know that she was loved and supported in order for her to want to get better. I made a mistake early on in our marriage that while not as earth shattering or dangerous, gave me empathy for her feeling that she no longer deserved to be my wife or a mother. She wanted to get help and she went of her own volition.
Maybe I'm just being naive. Though I don't think it's going to be an easy road, she can get better. That doesn't mean she'll be driving with or alone with any children in the near future, but it means that she'll have an opportunity to earn my trust again. She doesn't have to earn my love because she never lost it. If this happens a 2nd time, I'm sure I'll be singing a much different tune.
Re: her BAC, the opiates, and the felony. The nurse informed me that she very well could have died from the combination alone. The felony means probable jail time if charged and of course the stigma of being a convicted felon which would probably keep her from getting many jobs in the future. However, she hasn't yet been charged with anything and the police didn't get a sample or get a warrant for her blood. They seemed preoccupied with a pill bottle she had in the car that it just turned out was a normal prescription. They didn't find a half drank bottle of vodka, I got it out of the car from the tow yard a few days later.
Maybe I'm just being naive. Though I don't think it's going to be an easy road, she can get better. That doesn't mean she'll be driving with or alone with any children in the near future, but it means that she'll have an opportunity to earn my trust again. She doesn't have to earn my love because she never lost it. If this happens a 2nd time, I'm sure I'll be singing a much different tune.
Re: her BAC, the opiates, and the felony. The nurse informed me that she very well could have died from the combination alone. The felony means probable jail time if charged and of course the stigma of being a convicted felon which would probably keep her from getting many jobs in the future. However, she hasn't yet been charged with anything and the police didn't get a sample or get a warrant for her blood. They seemed preoccupied with a pill bottle she had in the car that it just turned out was a normal prescription. They didn't find a half drank bottle of vodka, I got it out of the car from the tow yard a few days later.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Originally Posted by MEPunymeier
Maybe I'm just being naive. Though I don't think it's going to be an easy road, she can get better.
Keep posting, we're here for you
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
I'm sure having 2 children in 2 years can do a number on any woman's sanity and I think there are some post-partum issues there too.
Again, I know that post-partum depression is a real and serious condition and I do not mean to minimize it, if she does indeed have it. I wish you the best.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Originally Posted by MEPunymeier
I'm sure having 2 children in 2 years can do a number on any woman's sanity and I think there are some post-partum issues there too.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
boundaries and being someone who holds the rope so she can pull herself out of the hole, rather than doing the traditional "man" thing of trying to rescue her by pulling on the rope to get her out. It was a good metaphor.
Great metaphor I like it too. Happy to hear your caring for yourself and have already taken action with counseling. It helped me a lot.
Is she in an inpatient where they deal with dual diagnosis? Hopefully they can help sort out the underlying issues. Despite the DUI she may be seeking help rather early which is always the best case scenario.
Great metaphor I like it too. Happy to hear your caring for yourself and have already taken action with counseling. It helped me a lot.
Is she in an inpatient where they deal with dual diagnosis? Hopefully they can help sort out the underlying issues. Despite the DUI she may be seeking help rather early which is always the best case scenario.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 219
MEP,
I am in the same boat you are, but a little further downstream now. My wife was a substance abuser... she was driving under the influence and many other illegal and immoral activities were taking place. Many of them crossed that line with me personally and were very hard to accept.
She willingly went into a short term detox facility and then rehab for 30 days, and is now 2 weeks into a transitional living facility (expect stay of only 30 days). She is very actively working her program at present time.
First thing I did was purge/clean/declutter our house... as she was using extensively in the house. My priority was on me and the safety of my/her/our children; and i assume it will be yours. There was plenty of anger and most of that was put to productive use. There were and still are lots of sleepless nights. Please find yourself some good people to talk to... I had a soft network available, and then confided in some of my closest friends. Do not be ashamed, nor feel you need to hide her problem as it applies to you. It is about taking care of you now.
The recovery process is a selfish one, and you will be excluded from so much of it. I am supporting my wife and have told her that I want to be involved in her recovery... not to help her, but rather me... give me insight into her problem, and what she is doing about it. The rehab facility should also be setting up joint family sessions where you can both share in a safe environment and start working to rebuild trust.... my wife and I are working on that now, and it will take much time to get it back. The facility was offering once a week sessions.... but I asked if we could have more... and they granted us that request.
Like yourself, we very much love eachother and are committed to our marriage. That makes some of the recovery much simpler.
I would not concern yourself about her cheating.. there is nothing you can do to prevent that if she wants to do it.... just like her drinking. Instead, focus on what you can do for yourself and encouraging her through her program and journey.
If you want to discuss anything more specifically with me, please contact me.
T
I am in the same boat you are, but a little further downstream now. My wife was a substance abuser... she was driving under the influence and many other illegal and immoral activities were taking place. Many of them crossed that line with me personally and were very hard to accept.
She willingly went into a short term detox facility and then rehab for 30 days, and is now 2 weeks into a transitional living facility (expect stay of only 30 days). She is very actively working her program at present time.
First thing I did was purge/clean/declutter our house... as she was using extensively in the house. My priority was on me and the safety of my/her/our children; and i assume it will be yours. There was plenty of anger and most of that was put to productive use. There were and still are lots of sleepless nights. Please find yourself some good people to talk to... I had a soft network available, and then confided in some of my closest friends. Do not be ashamed, nor feel you need to hide her problem as it applies to you. It is about taking care of you now.
The recovery process is a selfish one, and you will be excluded from so much of it. I am supporting my wife and have told her that I want to be involved in her recovery... not to help her, but rather me... give me insight into her problem, and what she is doing about it. The rehab facility should also be setting up joint family sessions where you can both share in a safe environment and start working to rebuild trust.... my wife and I are working on that now, and it will take much time to get it back. The facility was offering once a week sessions.... but I asked if we could have more... and they granted us that request.
Like yourself, we very much love eachother and are committed to our marriage. That makes some of the recovery much simpler.
I would not concern yourself about her cheating.. there is nothing you can do to prevent that if she wants to do it.... just like her drinking. Instead, focus on what you can do for yourself and encouraging her through her program and journey.
If you want to discuss anything more specifically with me, please contact me.
T
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