Pike5618

I've recently started reading the forums here and have found them immensely helpful. It's nice to know that I'm not alone in what I'm feeling.

My relationship of almost 3 years has recently ended. It has been almost four months since it ended and I must admit I feel more lost that I can ever remember feeling.

I am a child of an alcoholic and as a result, I'm the co-dependent/caretaker type. My ex is an alcoholic, and he's in complete denial about it. Soon after we got together, he got his first DUI. He lost his job, his driving privileges, and began to have financial difficulties. A few months later he moved into my place. I thought I was helping. I thought he would use this opportunity to look at his choices and turn things around. I saw so much good in him. I saw his talents and his kindness and I thought he was worth it. I guess that's a common fantasy a lot of people can relate to. Things didn't get better.

Soon enough he was driving again and got a good job. His drinking never slowed much. He blacked out often, and continued drinking and driving. He didn't remember a lot of the nights or the things he said. He would apologize and I would look past it, thinking he meant it. He could change, right? If I just showed him how much I loved him, he'd change! I really do believe I was there for him, or at least I tried to be. He was pretty distant from me though, and never very willing to talk.

About one year later, he got a second DUI. He had gotten completely wasted at our house and decided to go to a bar, while I stayed home basically in a state of panic. He totaled his car on the way home and was taken to the hospital. I eventually got a phone call from a nurse there, saying if I didn't come and get him they were taking him to jail (he was antagonizing a cop trying to get a report from him). That night he threatened to kill himself.

He lost his license and even went to jail for a week this time around. It was heartbreaking. And to him, it was a joke. He actually said he had a good time in jail, and that it was like being at camp. Of course that's not true - it's just an example of his inability to face up to difficult emotions. Somehow, he didn't lose his job, and I took on the task of driving him to work. He worked an hour away, so that meant one hour to drop him off, one to get myself to work, and then back again in the evening. That was 4 hours of driving a day. And I did it for him, again thinking I was helping. Surely after all this he had learned a lesson, right? This went on for one year (a year!), as he shucked the responsibility of getting driving privileges to work. I mean, I was doing it, right? Why should he have to go out of his way? I tried to communicate what a massive inconvenience this was to my life but it never registered.

Eventually he was driving again. His drinking slowed somewhat, but never stopped. Soon enough he was drinking and driving again, and began not coming home some nights. It was a mess for me. I began to wonder why in the world I would stay in this. I guess that is a question I am finally beginning to delve into these days.

He disappeared one weekend on a Friday night and didn't come back home until Monday. When he came back, something was different. Turns out he had cheated on me that weekend, though I did not find that out until after the relationship was over. Within a week or two it was over, and I asked him to move out. He did, quickly, and he now has his own place.

We have seen each other a few times since we broke up. A few times he has proclaimed he sees us as being together forever, but that he can't be with me right now until he has time to commit to making it better. But, I have no idea what that means, as he doesn't offer any plans. He still drinks. In fact, his drinking is escalating again from what I have heard. Our catching up usually consists of him telling me how much partying he's been doing.

A few days ago I made the choice to go no contact. The handful of times I have seen him over the past four months have gone badly. He drinks, drops some bad news on me, and then pulls away. Recently he mentioned he is now seeing someone. The news that he cheated on me came out another night when he had been drinking. I will never move on from this if I don't cut him out. But my fear is that once he senses me pulling away, he'll try to come back. And I don't know if I am strong enough to resist him yet.

It's frustrating to be in a place where logically you know something is bad for you, but your heart holds you down. I have been going to counseling over these past few months and it has helped me to gain some clarity.

I am realizing that I completely lost myself in this relationship, and I don't even know myself anymore. All my focus was on him, to the detriment of my own mental health. It's scary to try and change that. I feel like I am starting completely over. I guess in a way I am. It's an extremely tough lesson.

I guess I wanted to get my thoughts out in the open, to a group that would understand. Although I don't feel so strong right now, maybe I'm stronger than I've given myself credit for. My hope is that someday all the love I have to give can be given to someone who appreciates it. I certainly gave this all I had. But in the end I have to remember that it's not my fault it didn't work. I have a tendency to put more blame on myself that I should. I must remember I did all I could, and begin to take care of myself.

Sailorgirl57

Hi Pike,

Your story is the same as mine, and many other women (and men) here. You are among people who understand exactly what you are going through. I mean exactly.

Here's what is helping me:

--no contact (I slip up but then keep trying)
--counseling with an expert in addictions and abuse
--checking in here when I feel the need
--eating really healthy foods
--trying to get enough sleep
--focusing on family and friends who love me and are kind to me
--being out in nature, hiking, etc.

It still hurts. It's been 43 days since we broke up. Sometimes I feel like it's killing me, but then other times I'm like, Have you ever seen such a strong gal as me??? Good and bad. Over time, more good than bad.

My thing is, I've dated 3 alcoholic men. I want off the merry go round. I want out of this rut. I'm working triply hard, not only to get over him, but to figure out how I can get and stay healthy so I don't do this to myself again and again. I didn't like the movie Groundhog Day, and I sure don't want to live it!!

What do you do to take care of yourself?

Love and Hugs from Sailor

Bekindalways

Welcome Pike5618!!! You so so belong with us! . . . . .hmmm . . .which isn't necessarily a compliment but still welcome to the fold!

>>>>> "It's frustrating to be in a place where logically you know something is bad for you, but your heart holds you down. I have been going to counseling over these past few months and it has helped me to gain some clarity. "

^^^ this is pretty much every single one of us here. And man oh man does it hurt.

Besides what Sailorgirl said, I would add that you might give Alanon a try also the book Codependent No More is a bit of a bible around here so you might see if you can find that somewhere.

Big hug to you and let us know how you are doing.

maia1234

Pike,
Welcome and glad you posted. Yep, your story is a lot like everyone elses on this forum. Wash rinse and repeat. Glad you kicked him out and it will be a challenge to stay away. But it really does help the heart with no contact.

I know you say that you have no strength. You have to remember, you are no different then the addict. He is your drug of choice. You need to stay strong, educate yourself about addiction and post here if you want to contact him. You have to fight the urge, and with time it will become easier, just like an addict fighting the urge to use. Hit some alanon meetings and work the 12 steps, it helps. Hugs, you can do this!!

Sailorgirl57

Oh yes, and also!!

-alanon for weekly support and friendship
-read CODEPENDENT NO MORE
-read MR UNAVAILABLE AND THE FALLBACK GUY
-read THE NO CONTACT RULE
-podcast WIFE OF AN ALCOHOLIC

Thanks for reminding me Bekindalways ❤️❤️❤️

Sleepyhollo

Welcome and I'm sorry you have to be here. You've made the first steps by kicking him out and going no contact. Keep up with counseling, hopefully it is with someone who has an addiction background. Go to alanon and read codependent no more. Also watch Pleasure unwoven if you can, its a very good documentary that explains addiction very well. It is so hard to understand what we put ourselves though for so many years. Looking back at it it is so obvious how dysfunctional and enabling we were. I still have a hard time accepting that I was the way I was for so long. It hasn't been an easy road and after almost a year and a half I still go to counseling weekly and I still continue to realize a lot of things about why I feel the way I do. I just recently joined here and it has been helpful as well . I admit it has been slow going for me after so many years of dysfunction growing up, my first marriage and then my current marriage (the only one with substance abuse). I suck at emotions and feeling ok about how I feel about things.
You're doing the right thing, but do continue to work on yourself even though you broke up with him. It is hard to break that caretaker and wanting to fix and help everyone desire we have but in order to avoid falling into another similar relationship you have to work on fixing yourself. I never knew that until I confronted my RAH about 1.5 years ago and all th chaos that came with his recovery. Educate yourself and come back here often. You will find a lot of advice that will give you strength and help you relaie you are not alone in your feelings and situation.

trailmix

Hi and welcome.

My only suggestion is that you might want to have a look at the "stickies" at the top of the forum. There is a lot of helpful information there.

In particular you might want to have a look at the "classic reading" section

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

Pike5618

Thanks everyone, for the thoughtful replies. It sure does help. I do plan to read Co-Dependent No More, I have heard so many recommendations for it and I think it will give me some insight.

Today being Valentine's Day was pretty tough. I wonder what he might be doing, who he's with, what are they like, how do they compare to me, etc. It's tough to stay focused on taking care of myself. I keep thinking if I should reach out, one final time, to say, "Hey, if you ever get the help you need and get to a place where you want to work on 'us' again, please let me know." But I'm not sure that would be a good idea. Plus, I would think that would be implied based on what I told him throughout the course of our time together.

Sailorgirl57 asked above what I do take care of myself. The truth is, right now, not a whole lot. I have not been taking care of myself physically or mentally (aside from seeing my therapist, which isn't the whole battle). I'm 35, and am realizing that I haven't taken all that great care of myself up until this point. This is probably going to be part of my battle - learning who I am and what to do to take care of myself. So much of my time has been focused on others, that I'm not so good at focusing my thoughts inward on myself.

I look back on the relationship and see the good parts, and there were some. But there were a whole lot of bad times too that, for right now, seem far away. I know that if he were to come back, it would quickly go back to the way things were. And I think it's clear this relationship had a big effect on me, and not in a good way. I fantasize about him suddenly seeing the error of his ways, coming back to me and everything being different. I'm not sure he's actually capable of that, with me or anybody else. I wonder if he will end up with someone a lot like me, that will enable him like I did for a while.

I guess I'm just doing some venting! Again I appreciate the support!!!

Mango blast

(((Hugs)))

One day at a time.

You'll make it through this.

Bekindalways

Vent away Pike. It is what we are here for.

I remember fantasizing when I went through that grief; it actually stopped the pain for a bit and kinda helped me get through. Ever since then I've had a soft spot for therapeutic levels of denial.

Keep at it. There will be healing in the end.