It hit the fan....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 8
It hit the fan....
Long story- short as I can make it.
Today was a very bad day. I was struggling with my mom/brother issues and had decided I would sit down with my mom & tell her why I was avoiding her.... before I could even do that, I got a text from my brother (40 yo alcoholic who lives with my mom- see Dazed and Confused thread for background) telling me he was in the hospital and to pls tell mom. His BP was 240/160 & cardiologist was keeping him.
My mom and I are both nurses... at the same facility. She works in OR (why he couldn't contact her himself) and me in Administration. I went to OR, told her... she had a complete meltdown (she knew he had the cardiology appt- I did too, though only via friends).... I told her to text or call him- he said he was fine- no emergency. She grabbed my arm, wanted to give me all the details... I told her to save it and walked away.
Spoke with my boss who saw me visibly upset when I exited OR. Told him the scoop (he knows the history)- he gave me some solid advice (seek counseling).... and we let it lie.
Fast forward 30 minutes, my mom shows up in my office. Wants to know why I walked out. Told her this was neither the time or place. She refused to leave since "you started it". I unloaded a Reader's Digest version on her. She reacted just as I had predicted she would... which is why I had avoided the confrontation at all... "I've done EVERYTHING for you". So your brother and I are the ones with the problem, huh? Blah blah blah. I told her she was an enabler who had chosen an addict over me before and I wasn't participating in it while she did it again. Gave me a huge guilt trip. Told me she gave me money every time I ever asked (which she had in the past)... I told her yep, she had.... bc that's all she was ever able to offer me. It got ugly. Very ugly.
Surprisingly, in the end she asked if it was just over or if we could fix it. I told her to look ACOA. She kept asking 'and then what'. I said then J needs to get sober... 'and then what'.... I said- that first step is going to take a while. Why don't you do some research and then we'll worry about what comes next.
She slammed my door and left. My anxiety about losing my job was overwhelming. I've since talked to my boss who has relieved that stress.... I don't know how I feel. Pissed. I couldn't even had a bit of control in planning my conversation with her....
This is rambling and I may edit later.... but thanks for being on the other end of this screen.
Today was a very bad day. I was struggling with my mom/brother issues and had decided I would sit down with my mom & tell her why I was avoiding her.... before I could even do that, I got a text from my brother (40 yo alcoholic who lives with my mom- see Dazed and Confused thread for background) telling me he was in the hospital and to pls tell mom. His BP was 240/160 & cardiologist was keeping him.
My mom and I are both nurses... at the same facility. She works in OR (why he couldn't contact her himself) and me in Administration. I went to OR, told her... she had a complete meltdown (she knew he had the cardiology appt- I did too, though only via friends).... I told her to text or call him- he said he was fine- no emergency. She grabbed my arm, wanted to give me all the details... I told her to save it and walked away.
Spoke with my boss who saw me visibly upset when I exited OR. Told him the scoop (he knows the history)- he gave me some solid advice (seek counseling).... and we let it lie.
Fast forward 30 minutes, my mom shows up in my office. Wants to know why I walked out. Told her this was neither the time or place. She refused to leave since "you started it". I unloaded a Reader's Digest version on her. She reacted just as I had predicted she would... which is why I had avoided the confrontation at all... "I've done EVERYTHING for you". So your brother and I are the ones with the problem, huh? Blah blah blah. I told her she was an enabler who had chosen an addict over me before and I wasn't participating in it while she did it again. Gave me a huge guilt trip. Told me she gave me money every time I ever asked (which she had in the past)... I told her yep, she had.... bc that's all she was ever able to offer me. It got ugly. Very ugly.
Surprisingly, in the end she asked if it was just over or if we could fix it. I told her to look ACOA. She kept asking 'and then what'. I said then J needs to get sober... 'and then what'.... I said- that first step is going to take a while. Why don't you do some research and then we'll worry about what comes next.
She slammed my door and left. My anxiety about losing my job was overwhelming. I've since talked to my boss who has relieved that stress.... I don't know how I feel. Pissed. I couldn't even had a bit of control in planning my conversation with her....
This is rambling and I may edit later.... but thanks for being on the other end of this screen.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: South Boston
Posts: 547
Are you in Al-Anon? Not that it's for everyone but I think working a 4th step would help with the resentment you're feeling toward your Mom.
I am sure your brother's alcoholism creates a lot of tension in your relationship with her, but it isn't up to you to get her to stop enabling him. Just like you can't control your brother's alcoholism, you can't control her behavior. I fall into this trap too.
It's normal to be angry and it's okay but maybe find someone to process your feelings with because your Mom is sick too so you probably can't really get through to her especially when your own emotions are getting in the way
I am sure your brother's alcoholism creates a lot of tension in your relationship with her, but it isn't up to you to get her to stop enabling him. Just like you can't control your brother's alcoholism, you can't control her behavior. I fall into this trap too.
It's normal to be angry and it's okay but maybe find someone to process your feelings with because your Mom is sick too so you probably can't really get through to her especially when your own emotions are getting in the way
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 8
I'm not. I just recently realized I was an ACOA... I didn't know this even existed. I've spent since August processing this.
Ive spent my entire adulthood working on myself as I recognize traits that aren't acceptable to myself (most from the Laundry List, who knew!?).... thing is, I've made great strides with this method & am terrified that if I start the program & regress; I may never pull myself back to the surface. That may sound crazy... but I have worked really hard to feel sane. And human. And loveable. And I feel good about me and my life in general- but the two of them are where I fall down.
I don't know. I'm just feeling vulnerable.... and I swore long ago I would never participate or live through this **** again.
Thank you for you insights.... I appreciate them; especially in my stirred up state.
Ive spent my entire adulthood working on myself as I recognize traits that aren't acceptable to myself (most from the Laundry List, who knew!?).... thing is, I've made great strides with this method & am terrified that if I start the program & regress; I may never pull myself back to the surface. That may sound crazy... but I have worked really hard to feel sane. And human. And loveable. And I feel good about me and my life in general- but the two of them are where I fall down.
I don't know. I'm just feeling vulnerable.... and I swore long ago I would never participate or live through this **** again.
Thank you for you insights.... I appreciate them; especially in my stirred up state.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Back East
Posts: 704
Originally Posted by Dcrn 
Long story- short as I can make it.
Today was a very bad day. I was struggling with my mom/brother issues and had decided I would sit down with my mom & tell her why I was avoiding her.... before I could even do that, I got a text from my brother (40 yo alcoholic who lives with my mom- see Dazed and Confused thread for background) telling me he was in the hospital and to pls tell mom. His BP was 240/160 & cardiologist was keeping him.
My mom and I are both nurses... at the same facility. She works in OR (why he couldn't contact her himself) and me in Administration. I went to OR, told her... she had a complete meltdown (she knew he had the cardiology appt- I did too, though only via friends).... I told her to text or call him- he said he was fine- no emergency. She grabbed my arm, wanted to give me all the details... I told her to save it and walked away.
Spoke with my boss who saw me visibly upset when I exited OR. Told him the scoop (he knows the history)- he gave me some solid advice (seek counseling).... and we let it lie.
Fast forward 30 minutes, my mom shows up in my office. Wants to know why I walked out. Told her this was neither the time or place. She refused to leave since "you started it". I unloaded a Reader's Digest version on her. She reacted just as I had predicted she would... which is why I had avoided the confrontation at all... "I've done EVERYTHING for you". So your brother and I are the ones with the problem, huh? Blah blah blah. I told her she was an enabler who had chosen an addict over me before and I wasn't participating in it while she did it again. Gave me a huge guilt trip. Told me she gave me money every time I ever asked (which she had in the past)... I told her yep, she had.... bc that's all she was ever able to offer me. It got ugly. Very ugly.
Surprisingly, in the end she asked if it was just over or if we could fix it. I told her to look ACOA. She kept asking 'and then what'. I said then J needs to get sober... 'and then what'.... I said- that first step is going to take a while. Why don't you do some research and then we'll worry about what comes next.
She slammed my door and left. My anxiety about losing my job was overwhelming. I've since talked to my boss who has relieved that stress.... I don't know how I feel. Pissed. I couldn't even had a bit of control in planning my conversation with her....
This is rambling and I may edit later.... but thanks for being on the other end of this screen.
Today was a very bad day. I was struggling with my mom/brother issues and had decided I would sit down with my mom & tell her why I was avoiding her.... before I could even do that, I got a text from my brother (40 yo alcoholic who lives with my mom- see Dazed and Confused thread for background) telling me he was in the hospital and to pls tell mom. His BP was 240/160 & cardiologist was keeping him.
My mom and I are both nurses... at the same facility. She works in OR (why he couldn't contact her himself) and me in Administration. I went to OR, told her... she had a complete meltdown (she knew he had the cardiology appt- I did too, though only via friends).... I told her to text or call him- he said he was fine- no emergency. She grabbed my arm, wanted to give me all the details... I told her to save it and walked away.
Spoke with my boss who saw me visibly upset when I exited OR. Told him the scoop (he knows the history)- he gave me some solid advice (seek counseling).... and we let it lie.
Fast forward 30 minutes, my mom shows up in my office. Wants to know why I walked out. Told her this was neither the time or place. She refused to leave since "you started it". I unloaded a Reader's Digest version on her. She reacted just as I had predicted she would... which is why I had avoided the confrontation at all... "I've done EVERYTHING for you". So your brother and I are the ones with the problem, huh? Blah blah blah. I told her she was an enabler who had chosen an addict over me before and I wasn't participating in it while she did it again. Gave me a huge guilt trip. Told me she gave me money every time I ever asked (which she had in the past)... I told her yep, she had.... bc that's all she was ever able to offer me. It got ugly. Very ugly.
Surprisingly, in the end she asked if it was just over or if we could fix it. I told her to look ACOA. She kept asking 'and then what'. I said then J needs to get sober... 'and then what'.... I said- that first step is going to take a while. Why don't you do some research and then we'll worry about what comes next.
She slammed my door and left. My anxiety about losing my job was overwhelming. I've since talked to my boss who has relieved that stress.... I don't know how I feel. Pissed. I couldn't even had a bit of control in planning my conversation with her....
This is rambling and I may edit later.... but thanks for being on the other end of this screen.
I'd second the advice to find some meetings, though, and go as often as you can. Good luck!
T
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