Crimson Joy
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Join Date: Feb 2018
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Crimson Joy
This is a really nice, friendly, welcoming forum. I go on a lot of forums and it's amazing what sort of welcome you might get. I once went on a meditation website and they were really nasty, and then went on a holocaust deniers website and they were really nice. I was just interested in what their argument was I should say. The web is an amazing thing. I can't see this freedom of speech lasting.
Anyway, I drink all the time and I function. I do okay. I don't know how I do okay when other people tell me how bad it is when they drink.
Now I know I can't be right and everyone else is wrong. When they talk about units I'm off the scale. I went on some stupid online quiz and apparently everyone in the world drinks less than I do. I know that's a joke, just their "unit" nonsense indoctrination stuff, but really I know now I have to stop drinking - or cut down (I can't cut down) to a reasonable level. Stop is the right thing to do but it's such an alien concept.
I've drank so much in my life. People say they drink a bottle of wine or they binge at the weekends. I've been completely pissed since I was in my teens - except for an 8 year gap from when I was 40.
It's just that I'm in my 50's now and I don't feel physical problems. But that's not the problem - yet. My relationships with other members of the human race are minus.
I was talking to a woman I met recently - not for long - and she said, "every single thing you do pushes everyone away from you." She wasn't trying to be nasty I don't think, just honest. You know, it's no one else's fault if I'm on my own but my own.
Of course she's right, but it seemed to be a statement - in a drunken conversation - that seemed so meaningful. It's sort of led to a change in my thinking. I've really, until that, gone full steam ahead with my drinking, with everything really. Lost, just head buried down, carrying on.
I'm not sure that's down its drink but just my personality. But even so I reckon my personality is completely associated with drinking.
I've tried the NHS route but one of us didn't enter into the spirit of it. See my problem isn't the alcohol but it's me. But isn't that all of us. That's our problem isn't it? It's us, not the drink.
I'm not looking for an answer of course - there is no answer. It's only me, it's only you, it's only us.
Just want to say, I want to stop and I'm hoping that I can join in here. I should have some kind of medical guidance, but I have had sober days where nothing has happened.
Anyway, sorry fellow strugglers. I wish you all well.
Love, love, love.
Anyway, I drink all the time and I function. I do okay. I don't know how I do okay when other people tell me how bad it is when they drink.
Now I know I can't be right and everyone else is wrong. When they talk about units I'm off the scale. I went on some stupid online quiz and apparently everyone in the world drinks less than I do. I know that's a joke, just their "unit" nonsense indoctrination stuff, but really I know now I have to stop drinking - or cut down (I can't cut down) to a reasonable level. Stop is the right thing to do but it's such an alien concept.
I've drank so much in my life. People say they drink a bottle of wine or they binge at the weekends. I've been completely pissed since I was in my teens - except for an 8 year gap from when I was 40.
It's just that I'm in my 50's now and I don't feel physical problems. But that's not the problem - yet. My relationships with other members of the human race are minus.
I was talking to a woman I met recently - not for long - and she said, "every single thing you do pushes everyone away from you." She wasn't trying to be nasty I don't think, just honest. You know, it's no one else's fault if I'm on my own but my own.
Of course she's right, but it seemed to be a statement - in a drunken conversation - that seemed so meaningful. It's sort of led to a change in my thinking. I've really, until that, gone full steam ahead with my drinking, with everything really. Lost, just head buried down, carrying on.
I'm not sure that's down its drink but just my personality. But even so I reckon my personality is completely associated with drinking.
I've tried the NHS route but one of us didn't enter into the spirit of it. See my problem isn't the alcohol but it's me. But isn't that all of us. That's our problem isn't it? It's us, not the drink.
I'm not looking for an answer of course - there is no answer. It's only me, it's only you, it's only us.
Just want to say, I want to stop and I'm hoping that I can join in here. I should have some kind of medical guidance, but I have had sober days where nothing has happened.
Anyway, sorry fellow strugglers. I wish you all well.
Love, love, love.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
I remembered another thread you wrote so I looked it up. You wrote:
"I lie here on a sofa that bears my imprint. Years are going by."
Sure there are horrors and malevolence and brutal tragedies in life. But this sentence made me so sad. It struck a chord with me. It's obvious you want more. It's obvious you don't want to finish you life having led it in "quiet desperation, with your song still inside you..." At least it seems that way to me.
Hope you find some strength and wisdom here.
"I lie here on a sofa that bears my imprint. Years are going by."
Sure there are horrors and malevolence and brutal tragedies in life. But this sentence made me so sad. It struck a chord with me. It's obvious you want more. It's obvious you don't want to finish you life having led it in "quiet desperation, with your song still inside you..." At least it seems that way to me.
Hope you find some strength and wisdom here.
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Join Date: Feb 2018
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lessgravity, thank you. I have to say, if someone else had said that quote about the sofa I would've liked it too. It sounds great. I can't believe it came from me. Thank you for noticing it when I didn't.
Also darkling song - great name - thanks for support.
I honestly want to be the repenting sinner. It's honestly been tunnel vision.
I can do it. I'm nothing special.
Also darkling song - great name - thanks for support.
I honestly want to be the repenting sinner. It's honestly been tunnel vision.
I can do it. I'm nothing special.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
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Originally Posted by ptarmigan 
I can do it. I'm nothing special.
Many of us ( me included ) thought that our problem was special - somehow worse/harder to solve or even unsolvable. Accepting that I was actually the same as others in respect to my addiction was key in getting better. I hope that you can find a similar path.
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Location: Big City
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Originally Posted by ScottFromWI
Those are profound statements. Knowing you can do it is essential as the change must come from within.
Many of us ( me included ) thought that our problem was special - somehow worse/harder to solve or even unsolvable. Accepting that I was actually the same as others in respect to my addiction was key in getting better. I hope that you can find a similar path.
Many of us ( me included ) thought that our problem was special - somehow worse/harder to solve or even unsolvable. Accepting that I was actually the same as others in respect to my addiction was key in getting better. I hope that you can find a similar path.
But then the next guy said, in essence, what you just said. That in fact that's not true - there was nothing special about this poor alcoholic deep in DT than any of us. In fact we are all the same. I couldn't figure out why, but that made a lot of sense to me.
As does your comment now.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
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"See my problem isn't the alcohol but it's me. But isn't that all of us. That's our problem isn't it? It's us, not the drink. "
Ohhhhh yes.
But the thing is, we can't even start to go about putting ourselves right while we're active in our alcoholism. You know, when I first went to AA I couldn't understand why only the first step out of 12 even mentioned alcohol, and the remaining eleven never mention it at all. Thing is. Like you astutely point out, alcohol itself isn't the problem. WE are. So we get rid of the alcohol and then we're ready to work on our recovery and get a new life. From the inside out.
BB
Ohhhhh yes.
But the thing is, we can't even start to go about putting ourselves right while we're active in our alcoholism. You know, when I first went to AA I couldn't understand why only the first step out of 12 even mentioned alcohol, and the remaining eleven never mention it at all. Thing is. Like you astutely point out, alcohol itself isn't the problem. WE are. So we get rid of the alcohol and then we're ready to work on our recovery and get a new life. From the inside out.
BB
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Scott, thank you. The quote of mine you gave does seem right. Maybe I've interlised somthing. I know I can do it - yes okay.
But what's knew to me is that I've realised that I am absolutely nothing special - not even in a bad way. I can't even say I'm worse than everyone else.
Thanks Scott.
Anyway practical, although I'm still drinking but there's tomorrow.
There really was some kind rubbish epiphany - as opposed to a good epiphany. I sort of realised that all the crap I was getting from the world was really coming from me.
Sort of a bit a revolution. All started from a woman telling me I might be wrong rather than the whole, entire world.
I'm sure I heard this a million times, but this time I believed it.
But what's knew to me is that I've realised that I am absolutely nothing special - not even in a bad way. I can't even say I'm worse than everyone else.
Thanks Scott.
Anyway practical, although I'm still drinking but there's tomorrow.
There really was some kind rubbish epiphany - as opposed to a good epiphany. I sort of realised that all the crap I was getting from the world was really coming from me.
Sort of a bit a revolution. All started from a woman telling me I might be wrong rather than the whole, entire world.
I'm sure I heard this a million times, but this time I believed it.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
I hope you decide to make tomorrow day one pt - and I hope you find a way of making it stick.
You may have seen me say this before but there's nothing I can do about the horrors of the world when I'm drunk...but sober I can actually get out there and make a difference, even in some small tiny ant like way.
D
You may have seen me say this before but there's nothing I can do about the horrors of the world when I'm drunk...but sober I can actually get out there and make a difference, even in some small tiny ant like way.
D
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Dee that's a very generous thing, a very giving thing. Unlike you I think I'm more of a taker. In fact I know I am. Not in a bad way. It's just that I know I don't contribute anything except my endearing personality - okay.
I want to stop drinking. But honestly I don't know any other life. But then again being 56 isn't really anything special. It's not Studio 54 in my bungalow.
But, I don't mind says the man who's talking to you having drunk 3 bottles of wine at the moment.
My reason for needing to give up is a kind of logical reasoning. I know it's bad. I don't see the reasons. No ill health for instance. But it was just the realisation that I only live for alcohol.
The social life I have is nothing. The relationships, always alcohol based. Thank God, no children. That would have been more guilt, more alcohol. What a wasted life.
I can live out the rest of it like a scumbag or I can change.
I'm looking on the brightside. I'm off to Malaga with some friends next month. I might amaze them - you never know. Imagine if I was the one person who didn't drink.
Anyway.
I want to stop drinking. But honestly I don't know any other life. But then again being 56 isn't really anything special. It's not Studio 54 in my bungalow.
But, I don't mind says the man who's talking to you having drunk 3 bottles of wine at the moment.
My reason for needing to give up is a kind of logical reasoning. I know it's bad. I don't see the reasons. No ill health for instance. But it was just the realisation that I only live for alcohol.
The social life I have is nothing. The relationships, always alcohol based. Thank God, no children. That would have been more guilt, more alcohol. What a wasted life.
I can live out the rest of it like a scumbag or I can change.
I'm looking on the brightside. I'm off to Malaga with some friends next month. I might amaze them - you never know. Imagine if I was the one person who didn't drink.
Anyway.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 366
ptarm- your insights make me smile. Reading what you write makes me feel like I'm drunk, but they make me smile. I don't know. You don't seem like you've made any real decisions to give up alcohol, huh? A drunken lady told you, you get in your own way. I get it. That sounds like a typical conversation you'd hear in any bar in any town.
I don't know what to tell you. I'm only 32 days sober. I don't know anything. But I'm 54 years old. No ill health. No withdrawal symptoms when I went a few days without drinking. I tend to be a logical thinker.
And I drank way too much wine way too often.
32 days ago, I decided not to drink ever again. I wasn't coming off any particularly bad bender. I had spent the evening prior at a birthday party someone threw in my honor. I drank too much red wine that night. I wasn't feeling tipsy. I drank a lot of red wine every night. But that night when I came home, I commented to my husband, "why the hell did I drink that much red wine? It wasn't even good wine. Why wouldn't they have had decent tasting wine for the party?"
Hubby just answered, "You drank too much bad red wine tonght because that's what you always do. You drink."
And it just hit me; I'm not gonna do that anymore.
Sometimes, it can just be something simple that helps you stop drinking.
Don't overthink things. Just put the booze down and make tonight your first step to being a sober person.
I don't know what to tell you. I'm only 32 days sober. I don't know anything. But I'm 54 years old. No ill health. No withdrawal symptoms when I went a few days without drinking. I tend to be a logical thinker.
And I drank way too much wine way too often.
32 days ago, I decided not to drink ever again. I wasn't coming off any particularly bad bender. I had spent the evening prior at a birthday party someone threw in my honor. I drank too much red wine that night. I wasn't feeling tipsy. I drank a lot of red wine every night. But that night when I came home, I commented to my husband, "why the hell did I drink that much red wine? It wasn't even good wine. Why wouldn't they have had decent tasting wine for the party?"
Hubby just answered, "You drank too much bad red wine tonght because that's what you always do. You drink."
And it just hit me; I'm not gonna do that anymore.
Sometimes, it can just be something simple that helps you stop drinking.
Don't overthink things. Just put the booze down and make tonight your first step to being a sober person.
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Before I go off to sleep can I say that the name for the thread I gave - Crimson Joy comes from a poem by the London 19th century poet William Blake.
And because I'm drunk - and hopefully this will be my last "drunken" night I'll quote it from memory.
O, rose that art sick
The insible worm
that flies in the night
Through the howling storm
Has found thy bed of crimson joy
And his dark secret love does thy life destoy.
I just wanted to leave with you some beauty before I went off to sleep. - also, I couldn't spell beauty so I had to check it up - drunk.
Goodnight.
Anyway, anything more sensual than that poem I'd love to hear it.
And because I'm drunk - and hopefully this will be my last "drunken" night I'll quote it from memory.
O, rose that art sick
The insible worm
that flies in the night
Through the howling storm
Has found thy bed of crimson joy
And his dark secret love does thy life destoy.
I just wanted to leave with you some beauty before I went off to sleep. - also, I couldn't spell beauty so I had to check it up - drunk.
Goodnight.
Anyway, anything more sensual than that poem I'd love to hear it.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
Hope to see you tomorrow pt
I had nothing too...but I had to quit - my titanium body was beginning to break down in dangerous ways.
I rediscovered a me I'd forgotten and a life I'd lost.
Like you, I'm just a normal guy- but I just took the option of drinking off the table, no matter what, and good things happened - not right away but inevitably.
D
I had nothing too...but I had to quit - my titanium body was beginning to break down in dangerous ways.
I rediscovered a me I'd forgotten and a life I'd lost.
Like you, I'm just a normal guy- but I just took the option of drinking off the table, no matter what, and good things happened - not right away but inevitably.
D
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