Examination of Conscience
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Florida., USA
Posts: 3,252
Examination of Conscience
HI All. I'm on Day 34. In thinking about my past, I've become fixated on something I did 18 years ago. I was not drunk and actually, it was during a period of moderate drinking. While I thought about this event over the years, I was not fixated on it as I am now. I can't get past my guilt and remorse. I have confessed to God and sometimes I feel forgiven and sometimes not (like now). Perhaps my drinking escalated over the years as a result of this with my subconscious trying to forget. I have had thoughts of drinking to numb myself again, but I know it's not a solution. I just wish the thoughts would go away.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
Are you the same person now as you were 18 years ago? Did you learn something about yourself because of that incident? You know you did wrong and you admitted it. Human beings make mistakes. You made one. You don't have to forget. But you also don't have to carry the guilt. I'm willing to bet the person that did whatever it was is long gone. You don't have to punish yourself anymore. =)
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
It's okay to have made a mistake. You are human. That's what we do. God loves you, and he forgave you for it before you even did it. Now it's probably time for you to do the same.
What would you think of me if I told you I'd done what you did? Chances are you wouldnt give me half as much of a hard time as you're giving yourself.
BB
What would you think of me if I told you I'd done what you did? Chances are you wouldnt give me half as much of a hard time as you're giving yourself.
BB
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Boulder, CO
Posts: 419
Hi Rar,
Are you working the steps with a sponsor? I know for a lot of us alcoholics we are haunted by things we’ve done in the past. I know for me it was integral to my recovery to be able to forgive myself for things I may have done in the past. Some of those things may have been to people we care about. In the 9th step we “make direct amends to people we have harmed”. If we continue to clean house we can live happy, joyous and free!
Good luck!
Garrison
Are you working the steps with a sponsor? I know for a lot of us alcoholics we are haunted by things we’ve done in the past. I know for me it was integral to my recovery to be able to forgive myself for things I may have done in the past. Some of those things may have been to people we care about. In the 9th step we “make direct amends to people we have harmed”. If we continue to clean house we can live happy, joyous and free!
Good luck!
Garrison
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 984
Hi @Rar,
First allow me to say that I completely empathise with you. I am on Day 30, though I have tried this path several times before. Each time I relapsed, I know it is because of the underlying reasons for my abuse of alcohol. The events that have been seared into my brain and rack me with guilt. I have finally reached a place where, after much soul searching, self reflection and introspection, I realise that if I do not break the cycle, I will be doomed to repeat it forever - drinking to numb the guilt, anxiety, shame of previous occurrences, whilst drunk and not drunk.
I do not want to live the rest of my life this way. I have decided that as difficult as it can be, the only way I can allow myself to move on and break the cycle is to commit to sobriety and hand;e my issues as best I can, without compounding them further with drink fuelled actions that send me into a deeper spiral.
You can do the same. Make amends for your past by working to become a better person now and in the future.
We cannot change or control the past, unfortunately. But we can choose not to repeat it. All we can do is try our best to be a good person from here on out.
First allow me to say that I completely empathise with you. I am on Day 30, though I have tried this path several times before. Each time I relapsed, I know it is because of the underlying reasons for my abuse of alcohol. The events that have been seared into my brain and rack me with guilt. I have finally reached a place where, after much soul searching, self reflection and introspection, I realise that if I do not break the cycle, I will be doomed to repeat it forever - drinking to numb the guilt, anxiety, shame of previous occurrences, whilst drunk and not drunk.
I do not want to live the rest of my life this way. I have decided that as difficult as it can be, the only way I can allow myself to move on and break the cycle is to commit to sobriety and hand;e my issues as best I can, without compounding them further with drink fuelled actions that send me into a deeper spiral.
You can do the same. Make amends for your past by working to become a better person now and in the future.
We cannot change or control the past, unfortunately. But we can choose not to repeat it. All we can do is try our best to be a good person from here on out.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Florida., USA
Posts: 3,252
Thanks everyone for your responses. I think I am the same person I was 18 years ago, albeit older. Yes, I made a mistake and am moving forward in trying to be a better person. I am not working the steps with a sponsor. I have read about making amends and I think that's what's making me brew on this issue. I cannot make amends because it would cause irreparable harm to another.
under new management
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 2,339
(((Rar))) Please don't drink over this far in the past event. I know that you know it won't help, and will, in fact, make it worse.
I have had quite a colourful past, when I want to put it lightly. But, in reality, I have done some awful things. I have deeply hurt people that I love. And I can never change these things, I can only work on acceptance that the past is irrevocably over. What I can do now is live peacefully and cause no harm.
When I was in the early days, as you are, a lot of the awfulness of my past came rushing up at me. After stuffing everything down with alcohol for so many years, it had to come up into the light, to be looked at, dealt with from a clear and sober point of view.
I learned that my bad feelings wouldn't kill me. I can experience them, move through them, examine them and not let them stick around to define me.
I hope some of that rambly bit makes a little sense
I have had quite a colourful past, when I want to put it lightly. But, in reality, I have done some awful things. I have deeply hurt people that I love. And I can never change these things, I can only work on acceptance that the past is irrevocably over. What I can do now is live peacefully and cause no harm.
When I was in the early days, as you are, a lot of the awfulness of my past came rushing up at me. After stuffing everything down with alcohol for so many years, it had to come up into the light, to be looked at, dealt with from a clear and sober point of view.
I learned that my bad feelings wouldn't kill me. I can experience them, move through them, examine them and not let them stick around to define me.
I hope some of that rambly bit makes a little sense
totfit
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Ft Collins, CO
Posts: 1,273
I don't think your drinking "escalated" as a result of this being on your subconscious. Our drinking just progresses over time if we are "so inclined". I too always looked for a "reason" that I drank as I did. I kept tackling the reasons one at a time till I was all out of reasons, but continued to drink horribly. Finally, I found the only reason I drank the way I did was that was the only way I could drink if I drank.
I am not saying that issues of the past do not need to be acknowledged to live more comfortably. But in my case at least, I drank the way I drank, because it was the only way for me. There were no issues that caused it, just biology.
I am not saying that issues of the past do not need to be acknowledged to live more comfortably. But in my case at least, I drank the way I drank, because it was the only way for me. There were no issues that caused it, just biology.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Originally Posted by Rar 
Thanks everyone for your responses. I think I am the same person I was 18 years ago, albeit older. Yes, I made a mistake and am moving forward in trying to be a better person. I am not working the steps with a sponsor. I have read about making amends and I think that's what's making me brew on this issue. I cannot make amends because it would cause irreparable harm to another.
If it would hurt that person then any good sponsor would advise making living amends, ie. resolving to change our ways going forward in such a way that we make things right and don't repeat our mistakes.
BB
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 366
ya know Rar . . . I tend to put these kinds of thoughts into a "Buddha prospective". We've all made some bad choices. We may have hurt others deeply. I have. I have done some down right mean things. I have been unethical.
And I make no excuses. I didn't misbehave because I was immature or something. The flaws that were in my character were real flaws.
But how do you deal with something in the past? As I said, I put it in a "Buddha prospective". Your existence is a journey on a flowing river. You can't go back upstream. Even if you did, what you would find is different; the shoreline would be eroded and changed, the water that was there once has long since flowed on. So you can't really go back. All you can do is keep flowing along, learning and doing better as you go. Don't get caught up in an eddy near the shore, swirling around in regret, shame, remorse. It doesn't help anyone.
Let go and join the other droplets that flow freely down stream. Moving forward is the only way to go.
And I make no excuses. I didn't misbehave because I was immature or something. The flaws that were in my character were real flaws.
But how do you deal with something in the past? As I said, I put it in a "Buddha prospective". Your existence is a journey on a flowing river. You can't go back upstream. Even if you did, what you would find is different; the shoreline would be eroded and changed, the water that was there once has long since flowed on. So you can't really go back. All you can do is keep flowing along, learning and doing better as you go. Don't get caught up in an eddy near the shore, swirling around in regret, shame, remorse. It doesn't help anyone.
Let go and join the other droplets that flow freely down stream. Moving forward is the only way to go.
No Dogma Please
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: SoCal
Posts: 2,562
I loathe the term "character flaws."
I call them "scripts that are not working." It's easier to change a script than a flaw.
It is imperative we you look at things we have done that we are not proud of. And sure, the other person may be largely at fault, but most importantly....what is OUR part in it? It's is rare that we had nothing to do with a resentment or a situation where we acted in a way that we are not proud. Where is this a pattern of behavior? If honest, we usually see that what lead us to a feeling or behavior in one incident that resonates can be found at other times in our lives. Understanding what we do things is helpful, but more important is acknowledging that we have behaved in a way that we don't like, are probably continuing to do so in some area in our lives, and want to stop the behavior.
Going forward, not back. Remorse is only the first step.
I'm working with these issues with a therapist. It's like working the 4th Step with a sponsor, but also involves some psychodynamic work.
I call them "scripts that are not working." It's easier to change a script than a flaw.
It is imperative we you look at things we have done that we are not proud of. And sure, the other person may be largely at fault, but most importantly....what is OUR part in it? It's is rare that we had nothing to do with a resentment or a situation where we acted in a way that we are not proud. Where is this a pattern of behavior? If honest, we usually see that what lead us to a feeling or behavior in one incident that resonates can be found at other times in our lives. Understanding what we do things is helpful, but more important is acknowledging that we have behaved in a way that we don't like, are probably continuing to do so in some area in our lives, and want to stop the behavior.
Going forward, not back. Remorse is only the first step.
I'm working with these issues with a therapist. It's like working the 4th Step with a sponsor, but also involves some psychodynamic work.
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,539
Short of time travel, you cannot change the past. That being said, you can always make amends.
I strongly suggest you make amends after consultation with another person. An objective opinion, preferably from someone who has themselves made amends, is invaluable.
Think of amends as the process of making things right. It is extremely important to do no further harm while in the process of making amends, so, there are times when disclosing information about a wrong doing is exactly the wrong thing to do. This complicates the process, but does not make it impossible.
Think of amends as balancing the scales. Say you harmed someone, they don't know about what you did and if you inform them of it there would be even more harm. Do things to make up for it. Special things to be extra nice, special favors, and anonymous things. Balance the scales as best you can. Be creative, and be nice. Sometimes this will require loving actions for which you can't get caught. The creativity of it can actually be fun.
Of course staying sober is a reasonable part of any amends, but YOU will be the better for having gone the extra mile to provide a benefit to the one who has been wronged.
There are times however when the person who has been wronged cannot be found or has died. In this case you can provide a benefit to someone else who is in need of something. Perhaps someone who has been harmed in a similar way to the person you have wronged in the past.
Make the world a better place.
I strongly suggest you make amends after consultation with another person. An objective opinion, preferably from someone who has themselves made amends, is invaluable.
Think of amends as the process of making things right. It is extremely important to do no further harm while in the process of making amends, so, there are times when disclosing information about a wrong doing is exactly the wrong thing to do. This complicates the process, but does not make it impossible.
Think of amends as balancing the scales. Say you harmed someone, they don't know about what you did and if you inform them of it there would be even more harm. Do things to make up for it. Special things to be extra nice, special favors, and anonymous things. Balance the scales as best you can. Be creative, and be nice. Sometimes this will require loving actions for which you can't get caught.
The creativity of it can actually be fun.Of course staying sober is a reasonable part of any amends, but YOU will be the better for having gone the extra mile to provide a benefit to the one who has been wronged.
There are times however when the person who has been wronged cannot be found or has died. In this case you can provide a benefit to someone else who is in need of something. Perhaps someone who has been harmed in a similar way to the person you have wronged in the past.
Make the world a better place.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I cannot make amends because it would cause irreparable harm to another.
Make a living amends - for you that may simply mean living right and staying sober, or it may mean doing some service work, or making a donation - anything that can count towards you letting go of whatever this 18yo thing is, rar
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Florida., USA
Posts: 3,252
Thanks again everyone. I've read each post several times and will probably read several more times. Many of you have relieved my mind on making amends and for that, I'm grateful. You folks are so wise. 
This has been a difficult day, but to me an important step in my recovery. Getting ready to start Day 36.
This has been a difficult day, but to me an important step in my recovery. Getting ready to start Day 36.
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