WifeofAddict25

Hi and thank you for reading my post. Need help and advice. My husband, whom I was engaged to for a year and just married 3 months ago, entered IP rehab for serious alcohol use 2 weeks ago. Today I received a letter from him telling me that when we can, at his facility, we need to discuss his 6-18 month discharge plan because the plan, per his choice, includes him not coming home (to me and our dog and our brand new house) for 6-18 months. I am devastated. Instead of celebrating new marriage, new home; I’m faced with not having a husband for 6-18 months as he recovers.

I understand his health (and my sanity) are a priority. I am so grateful he went into rehab. I am also now actively involved in Al Anon. I’m doing what I can to work my own steps. But I honestly cannot fathom putting my life on hold (as it already has been due to this disease) for another 6-18 months with no husband, no support. What is the point of being married?

If my spouse feels he needs to live apart in order to be well, then why be married to me at all? Struggling with wanting to be supportive and understanding but also with honoring my own needs, which include having a partner around to share my life with. Any advice and feedback welcome.

Should I let him go and let God?
If it’s meant to be he’ll find me again when he’s ready? Or do I wait this out alone, struggling financially, keeping myself legally bound to someone who is absent, feeling like I’m putting my own life on hold for someone who is in a totally different place in his life than me? Overwhelmed and sad beyond belief. How can marriage survive this? Thank you for “listening.” I’ll keep coming back.

Anna

I'm sorry for your situation. Were you aware of your husband's alcoholism when you married 3 months ago? Only you can decide if you will wait for your husband to finish his treatment or whether you want to move on. I'm glad to hear you are seeking support at AlAnon.

least

Welcome to the family. I'm glad you found us but I'm sorry for what brings you here.

Glad you are attending AlAnon. We have a friends and family forum here that may be helpful to you.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/

WifeofAddict25

Hi Anna. Thanks for taking time to respond. I really appreciate it. Yes. I was well aware. I loved him anyway and always have/will. I see his heart, his beauty, his gifts, but worry that to him, in the end, maybe I was or am just a good enabler. In his letter to me today he didn’t ask at all about how I was and only talked about what he needed. So painful after not hearing from him in 2 weeks, esp. after all I feel I have been there for.

On enabling—- It only really sunk in recently in Al Anon that I have been my husband’s enabler. Anything he needed, I provided, thinking that was showing love. Now, with Al Anon and an individual therapist, I am learning how not to enable, how to self-care, and I’m a sponge for learning anything I can about substance use, treatment, how conscious of a daily choice it is for both addicts and enablers to stay healthy, etc.

I’m so glad to have found this supportive community. Yes, only I can decide. So true.

Ghoster18

Hi
I'm so moved reading this especially when you said about seeing your husbands heart and always have and always will love him.

But your life is important
Your needs
I'm the addict in my world
I've lost lovely women
3 of them since 1996 they all loved me dearly and no doubt could see the real man that I was capable of being!
But I wore them out.
My Mum is the one now who's being ground down by me.
I don't want to hurt anyone.
I just want to be well.
I can empathise and see it from your side
I really can.
Addiction is a nasty illness.
I know I'm not a nasty person.
Your getting the right help and support.
Blessings to you
G

WifeofAddict25

[QUOTE=least;6784861]Welcome to the family. I'm glad you found us but I'm sorry for what brings you here.

Glad you are attending AlAnon. We have a friends and family forum here that may be helpful to you.

Hello. Thank you for the friends and family link. And thank you for the group hug. It made me tear up with gratitude. We are all in this one day at a time, I know. It’s so helpful to have found this support forum. Group hug back to all.

Opivotal

Welcome, WifeofAddict25.

Why not take it one day at a time? You don't have to make any decisions right now. Go to your meetings and process your feelings. I believe the future will reveal itself in time.

Early recovery is a very selfish time, it was for me anyway. I had no energy to spare. Fighting my addiction took everything I had in me. After the battle to drink subsided, the real work began.

Take this time for yourself. Discover who you are, what you want out of life.

Sending you support and hugs.

WifeofAddict25

Hi G,
Thank you for sharing your perspective. It’s helpful to hear that my life and needs are important. I have to keep reminding myself of that.

It’s hard because you are right, the disease itself is nasty and does heartbreaking things. Yet no one wakes up and asks for this disease, therefore no one suffering with it or around it is inherently a nasty person. We are all just trying to do our best, I believe.

I, too, can empathize with where you are at. I’m so sorry to hear about your losses. I’m glad your mum is there for you. A blessing. Keep remembering you are also important. Do what you can one day at a time, one hour at a time. Sending you virtual support and many blessings in return.

WifeofAddict25

Hi Opivotal,

Thanks for the welcome. Everyone here is really helping me get through this incredibly tough evening! Grateful! Much more peaceful now thanks to you all.

Okay, yes, one day at a time. Great reminder. I need to trust that if I focus on my own stuff my path will be made clear. I can take some time to let this sit and discover more about me, and also stop judging where my husband is at with his recovery and not take the things he says right now personally.

I can only imagine the intense battle one must engage in to recover from this and stay sober. It must be the most draining thing ever at the beginning. I understand better now. Helpful.

You focusing on what you need to heal at any time isn’t really selfish, in my “newbie” thinking. It’s the most caring thing you can do for yourself and for those you love. Thank you. One day at a time...

Dee74

I'm glad you've joined us Wifeof Addict - I can't add to the advice already so I'll just say welcome

D

Bekindalways

Another belated welcome to you Wifeofaddict.

What a horrible start to a marriage only 3 months in but then again there are folks here who put in 30 years and then had to bail out. Good and bad either way but man oh man oh man does this stuff hurt.

I left my qualifier (qualifier = addict/alcoholic with whom one has a relationship) before he got any help. At the time, I saw it as all his problem with his using. After some years, I realized that if I hadn't fallen in love with him, I would have fallen in love with someone very similar. I was attracted to the him and his addiction because of my own issues. Many of us would leave one alcoholic and just find another or someone with some similar issue.

Take care of yourself; take your time and learn as much as you can.

WifeofAddict25

Thank you for the welcome. 🙏🏼😊

WifeofAddict25

Hi and thank you so much for sharing this. With each passing day, as heartbreaking and painful as this situation is, I’m coming to understand exactly what you are saying. If I had not fallen for my husband I would likely have fallen for someone with similar issues because I have stuff within myself I clearly need to work on. In this sense, I am coming to see that this situation is a teachable moment in my life. It’s definitely the most painful teachable moment yet, but if I do not learn from this now I’m not going to be okay myself. My husband and I are both recovering, in this sense, and I’ll have to trust my higher power about what that all means for our futures.
Yes, learning and self care are so key. Thank goodness there is so much available help. Hanging in there. Nowhere to go but up! Again, thanks. ⭐️

least

How are you doing, WoA? Keeping you in my prayers for some peace of mind.

Jess1998

I don't know if I can help but I am on both sides of the spectrum. My mom has been an alcoholic since I can remember and I became one as well. The only difference is I'm trying to get clean.

You seem to really love and care about him. That being said you need to do what is best for you. Only you can decide what is best for you. You might feel powerless and upset right now but that's okay because it does get better. It has to, right? Maybe you should seek a therapist as well as go to ALANON, Addiction is super straining especially on relationships it (at least from perspective when I drink) I don't even realize I'm hurting the ones I love. All I cared about was the drink. My whole though process was "I'm drinking, not them, therefore I'm not hurting them." I realize how wrong that though process was.

Maybe you can make some friends with people who also love alcoholics? Having a support system is essential even if it just us. You deserve a place where you feel safe and can express your emotions. Thank you for sharing your story.

WifeofAddict25

Thank you for asking! It’s been 23 days since he has been in an inpatient program. He sounds great, which makes me very happy for him! I’m realizing I have a lot of my own stuff to deal with and have now reactivated my support system, my self interests, and therapy. All of that plus Al-Anon helps. However, there is really nothing I have found yet that takes away the pain of knowing the man I love most in the world has this condition. Every day I just keep turning the pain over to my higher power and try to focus on what’s beautiful and right about him and about me. Peace and light, friends. One day at a time!

WifeofAddict25

Thank you, Jess1998. All your recommendations are helpful! Working on them all!

It’s interesting to hear your thought process when you drink. It seems a lot like my husband’s thought process. Honestly I do not think he has the clarity yet to see how much it hurts when he drinks. Not because drinking hurts me, but because when he is drunk his behavior is so out of hand that that is what hurts me. At any rate, we are both detoxing and only our higher power knows how this story will go. I love him no matter what, but if I end up feeling life with him isn’t something I can do and stay healthy and sane, then I’ll make the right choice for me. He’ll always be my life love though. I just don’t see anyone replacing him in that way.

DontRemember

I wish you both the best and welcome to SR. It's great you're going to Alanon and trying to focus on your recovery. Not to 'rain on the parade' and I'm sure you've gathered from your meetings and such that he's going to be a 'mess' for a while..However..how long were you guys together? The reason I ask is, do you even know the sober him? Does sober him know you? I only ask that because you said you knew about his issue,so I'm assuming he was drinking/drunk a lot since you've been together in a 'relationship'. Again.. I wish you both the best..also..check out the friends and family section if you haven't yet..maybe post this there too. It's good to get 'both sides' IMO.

MindfulMan

Early recovery by its nature needs to be 100% about getting and attaining sobriety.

Only you can decide if you're willing to be apart for 6 months plus.

However, as he comes along in his sobriety he may find that his plan will change.

Or it won't.

One day at a time indeed.