NalinaOR

Hi everyone, I'm new here. My husband has been a drinker since we met, I knew he drank often but he's never been an angry drunk, he never let it hurt our finances or interfere with life or his work. Even though he has always drank a lot I think we both justified it and told ourselves he wasn't an alcoholic because of these things and because he wouldn't be desperate to drink anything in the house, he would only drink whiskey, his alcohol of choice.

He's been drinking a lot more this last year, I believe it's been triggered by stress, but this is the first time he has admitted that he knows he's an alcoholic and he wants to quit. He's scared, he doesn't want to die early, he doesn't want liver problems and he scared himself new years eve. We never go out on new years since we are always worried about drunk drivers. This year we decided to go to my folks (only 1.5 miles away) and we had a lot to drink. He wanted to drive home and I wouldn't let him. I told him we had to sleep it off or get an Uber, he insisted he was fine to drink but finally we took an Uber home and he later thanked me saying he really wouldn't have been ok to drive. He also admitted this weekend that he was ashamed that he was even willing to be a drunk driver, the precise person we have always tried to avoid. It all came to a head when the last week he drank he had 3 fifths of whiskey in a week.

He's been sober for only 7 days but I'm shocked that there haven't been any adverse symptoms yet, no withdrawal, no irritability, nothing. I know it will come, it has to, and I'm trying to prepare myself. I want to be supportive but I'm a little nervous selfishly as well. What if he doesn't love me the same sober, what if he doesn't find me attractive, what if this changes everything? I want him sober, I want him to live longer, I want him to be happy without alcohol. I want to help him succeed. I know he has to make this choice on his own and I'm so proud of him, I keep telling him that. I don't really drink much so not having alcohol in the house is easy for me but I'm kind of walking on eggshells not really sure what to expect.

I'd love any thoughts, advice, warnings everyone might have. I want us both to come out on top in the end and to survive this battle.

Thanks for reading.

biminiblue

Hm. Well, as an alcoholic in recovery myself, I have to question his actual sobriety.

If he isn't irritable, having trouble sleeping and having emotional difficulty after withdrawing from those high levels of drinking...I have to surmise he is sneaking some nips you don't know about.

Doesn't really matter though. More will be revealed. Try to stay out of it as much as possible.

Ladybird579

It all came to a head when the last week he drank he had 3 fifths of whiskey in a week.

That you saw or he admitted too. I too am sceptical he is actually sober with no withdrawal at all. However his sobriety is not your fight. It is his. Your side of it is to focus on yourself and how you want your life to be from now on. Most of us spouses or ex spouse of alcoholics are co-dependent and it might help you if you read the stickies at the top of the forum to see what that means and what you are up against. Welcome to SR and keep posting

NalinaOR

I can understand your doubts of sobriety, but for instance this weekend we were together 24/7. To understand the dynamic of our relationship we have always been 100% honest, he lets me know when he is having trouble. This weekend even when he was feeling some cravings he told me and we went out and about to distract him. We are best friends and really spend all our time together so even last week it was him going to work, coming come.

Add to that we have a shared bank account and there has been no activity for me to suspect otherwise, no cash withdraws or uses at any liquor stores. He's trying to be active, to workout when he has cravings, to eat healthier. In the last week he has really had no opportunity to sneak. Plus I have been very open that I proud of him and if he ends up drinking again I completely understand and will not judge him one bit, so I truly believe he would tell me. Is it possible to not go through withdrawals? or to at least not have the 'typical' symptoms? Maybe it's a delayed reaction and will hit him hard this week?

I've been reading through the sticky threads and reading through as much as I can online but there are a few things I'm a little caught on. I've always felt (separate from the alcoholism even) that other would definitely see our relationship is "codependent" but not in a way that we couldn't survive without each other, just that we wouldn't. I was in an extremely abusive relationship before my current husband and he's actually the one who has helped me rediscover myself and become my own independent person. I've never felt like we are in an unhealthy relationship if anything I feel ours is healthier than most people I know.

I'm not sure I understand staying out of it. I fully get it's his battle, but isn't it my job as his wife and best friend to be supportive and help in any way I can?

I really appreciate your responses. It's already been helpful reading through the threads. I'm glad I found this site.

Spence7471

Nothing wrong with being supportive and encouraging... it is an important part of the recovery process... if he knows he can turn to you and not be condemned or judged, you will be helping him in a magnitude of ways even if he does slip and drink some.

AnvilheadII

I want us both to come out on top in the end and to survive this battle.

the issue is his relationship with alcohol, his illness, is HIS battle. you can't make him not drink, not want to drink. his struggles are all internal...to HIM.

now granted, not having a keg on the kitchen island is a good idea, but beyond that?? it's very early days.....ideally he would seek help from outside sources, those who have experience with alcoholism and recovery. this could be an addiction counselor, a therapist, joining AA.....there are a lot of options. but best friend or not, you can't be his everything.......nor should you be.

atalose

OF course “healthy support” to someone trying to get a hold of their addiction is important, but not at the cost of your own emotional and mental health.

It’s like he’s up at bat and you are sitting on the bench cheering him on. Too much cheering can be a big distraction and take away from his focus.

The other issue at hand here is you might be setting yourself up to be the fall guy if he fails at abstinence from alcohol. He might claim you didn’t support him enough, you supported him too much, you can become his excuse if he chooses to drink again.

He needs something outside of himself (not you) that can help him find healthier ways of coping with life on life’s terms. AA a sponsor, counseling, therapy with an addiction specialist, not a marriage counselor where HE and HE alone can work on HIS issues.

And maybe al-anon for you, or some therapy for just you on how best to cope with addiction and it’s aftermath.

aliciagr

Welcome

He's been sober for only 7 days but I'm shocked that there haven't been any adverse symptoms yet, no withdrawal, no irritability, nothing. I know it will come, it has to, and I'm trying to prepare myself. I want to be supportive but I'm a little nervous selfishly as well. What if he doesn't love me the same sober, what if he doesn't find me attractive, what if this changes everything? I want him sober, I want him to live longer, I want him to be happy without alcohol. I want to help him succeed. I know he has to make this choice on his own and I'm so proud of him, I keep telling him that. I don't really drink much so not having alcohol in the house is easy for me but I'm kind of walking on eggshells not really sure what to expect.

I think its understandable to have some of the fears about how this lifestyle change will affect the both of you. Not sure about the physical symptoms but I think your correct in that while trying to move away from the use of alcohol, activities that were linked to it, emotions that were linked to it - there will be challenges coming up.

This is a loosely based comparison of course, but since most people can relate to being on a diet with a goal of weight loss.. there are challenges, trial, error, differing moods. lots of internal mental and emotional work, some outward sharing to family and friends, attempts to change unhealthy patterns, activities.

Family members can support someone making these changes. We can even be part of things by engaging in activities, listening, being there to support, encourage. What we cant do is force their body to lose the weight, force their minds to embrace the changes, take away bouts of depression that might come. Hopefully you get the gist of what Im saying.

I personally think you have a very good attitude, and there is nothing wrong with having a close, supportive relationship. Based on what you have written, your connection sounds deep and I doubt the removal of alcohol in his life will alter this one bit. Try not to walk on eggshells, and stick to your normal is my suggestion.

The stickies here have a lot of info, but I would not rely on this for an education on alcohol abuse or how its dealt with in families. Its more of a collection of insights from members over time. For example, there is a lot on codependency, but not all family members identify with this. One of the saying used on this forum often is "take what you want and leave the rest".

I personally have found the process of change model helpful. There is a big circle of change and my husband has been moving around it. There have been running leaps forward, steps back, no movement (ha) and now he is walking steadily.

There is a lot of help for family members and for those who are trying to quit. A general practitioner is always a good start, licensed therapists, online support, in person group support, books. My family has been a huge support system for me. For a while my husband was not even on that wheel of change and he did a lot of damage, and I didnt always handle things well.

I always write Too Much. Sorry.

Learning14

Good analogy! ^^

Being co-dependent and NOT helping in a healthy, supportive way would be he's up to bat and instead of letting him take his turn, you are behind him swinging for him, running the bases or taking the field for him instead of letting him swing at whatever balls come his way good or bad. Whether it be a strike out or home run.

Learning14

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ml#post6776018 (Where to begin.... first post)

here my post that gives a little background about me. ^^

I determined through an Al-Anon meeting, reading and therapy that I was acting codependent with my ex, I started to see things that I had done.

1) When he got in trouble at work. Instead of letting him deal with the fall out, I tried to "help" get his situation straightened out.

2) When he got his DUI and he called me at 2 a.m. from jail wanting me to bail him out. It was November and I woke our 8 month old child out of a dead sleep, drove in the cold and rain two towns over. I had to stop at two ATM machines to get enough bail money out (we were NOT rich either...fortunate that we were not in between pay days).

Then, while he was "sleeping it off," I asked a friend of mine to go with me to drive his vehicle back (it was left on the side of the road after he was arrested). If it wasn't picked up by 9 am the next morning, it would be impounded. My friend also helped me clean out his truck since he had vomited all over the interior

As if it can't get any worse with "helping him," I asked a favor from a friend's dad who was an attorney to help "us" navigate the court system with the DUI.

I mean SERIOUSLY! ^^ Just reading those two examples makes me cringe at how stupid I was.

I guess I can blame it on pure ignorance. I was 20 and 25 years old respectively.

I thought I was helping him and our family. I didn't want to deal with the impound fees or additional financial ruin due to his poor choices.

In hindsight, almost 25 years later, I see how I should have left these matters for HIM to clean up. NOT ME.

The night he called me drunk from jail wanting bailed out...I should've said, "Thanks for the phone call. Glad you are still alive. I'm going back to sleep. You're smart. You'll figure it out."

I was confused about being a "loving, supportive wife" or being "co-dependent." It can be a fine line, a bold line or a fuzzy line. You have to be educated now that you know you are dealing with an alcoholic as to what you role and responsibilities are to be healthy for yourself and in the marriage.

Best wishes and keep posting! ♥

NalinaOR

Thank you all so much. I really appreciate it. I’ve tried to offer him some outside resources. He hasn’t reached out to them yet but I’m leaving it up to him. I’m noticing positive changes already, he has more energy and is running now, he’s been more affectionate, and yesterday he relayed that me telling him I’m proud has made a big difference for him. I of course don’t know if it will stick, if he will do it long term but I know that is his decision.

I consider myself lucky that even in his worst times his actions have only been harmful to himself. I know that can easily change but at least over the last 12 years he’s never been aggressive towards me, has never let it impact our finances, and has never drank before work (although I know he has gone sometimes still feeling buzzed from the night before).

I’m not feeling as nervous or self concious now, I know whatever happens will happen and all I can do is support him and support myself. I’m really glad I found this forum though. Everyone seems so supportive. So thank you all so much for your insight and advice!

honeypig

Hi, Nalina, and welcome to SR.

I don't mean to be a downer, but when I saw this part of your post

I thought, as others also did, that he is still drinking and just hiding it better. That is exactly what XAH did--I remember feeling that if it was really this easy to quit, why on earth had he hidden it from me for all those years, lying and falsifying our finances? I wasn't sure if I would be more upset if it turned out that he WAS an alcoholic, w/all the freight that that carries, or if he was NOT an alcoholic, and this was just a bad habit that he'd chosen not to deal with--if it was this easy to quit, why on earth hadn't he done so long ago?!?

Back then, I truly believed that if the alcohol was removed, everything would be just fine. I didn't understand that the drinking was both a symptom AND a cause, and that it had tentacles that reached into every aspect of his life and our lives together. Here's a quote from another SR member that I think sums this up well:
Most friends and family during the throes of active addiction “think” that they just want their s/o to get sober. Most friends and family actually want more than just sobriety; they want the person to engage in the process I’ll call self-enlightenment. They want the addict to become emotionally mature. Read around these forums and see how many people are unhappy even when their loved one becomes sober because the addict never engaged in the process of true recovery/enlightenment/emotional maturity.

Educating yourself about alcoholism is one of the most important things you can do for yourself right now, I believe. Make sure to read the stickies at the top of the page, and read around the forum. Those who seem to get the most benefit from SR are those who take an active part, reading and posting in other threads as well as their own, and I hope you can do this. Alanon can be a valuable real-life resource, too, and I'd encourage you to give it a try. You need to be able to see as clearly as possible, and knowledge is power.

You might find some use in reading my threads from when I first came to SR. The way to find old posts from any member is this: Click on the member's name, on the left side of the screen, and you'll get a drop-down list. You can choose "posts by member X" or "threads started by member X).

Again, welcome to SR. I hope you're able to take some time to educate yourself and find support for yourself so that you'll feel at least somewhat prepared in the event that this too-good-to-be-true "recovery" does in fact turn out to be too good to be true...

Wheelsup

Yikes, did this strike a chord!! Boy, did I believe this. I wish I had understood much, much sooner how really deep the alcoholism is and how it really robs you (and not just the alcoholic) of peace in your daily life.

My husband does not or did not really appear to have any terrible reactions when he stop drinking; but a few things I've learned recently. The alcohol can stay in your system for up to three days so it can really take a while for symptoms to kick in. Some of the symptoms are easy enough to hide. And, yes, it is very easy to hide a bottle somewhere. (I found one in the supply closet after I essentially banned alcohol in the house.)

True change will require changes in the thought processes and behavior that support the drinking. And, in my opinion, this requires a lot of help. Doing it alone is very difficult when the A has been drinking for years and years and years. My AH, for example, is fighting 30-plus years of behavior that has supported his drinking addiction ... it won't matter how much support I give him. He needs a lot more to really make and keep change.

My two cents. I wish you the best as you work towards a healthy resolution of this.

Ladybird579

I can understand your doubts of sobriety, but for instance this weekend we were together 24/7.

I was with my exah 24/7 7 days a week...he still drank without my knowledge. Active alcoholics are very sneaky and tbh he'd be sulking if he had just stopped cold turkey with no support.

Add to that we have a shared bank account and there has been no activity for me to suspect otherwise, no cash withdraws or uses at any liquor stores.

Yep we had too but he got himself another account I knew nothing about. He got into serious debt on it. Never underestimate their ability to get drink. I was truly shocked when I found out how much money my exah was spending on drink considering he had no job. He would take the dog for a walk but go to the pub or go to the gym but buy drink and down it in the park. He could always get money for drink. He got a bank loan based on our joint account finances I knew nothing about too. We nearly lost our house over that. He had credit cards I knew nothing about too.

He also thought I was supportive of any effort he made so I also reached the erroneous conclusion he had no need to lie but he still did.