NewChapterJan18

Hi All,

Today will mark 29 days for me. I joined the January 2018 class thread on my Day 1 last month and I have posted exclusively there until now, as I tried to get a steady handle on my early days. for background, I am 27 (almost 28) and happily married to the most wonderful man. I have known for a few years now that alcohol is a problem for me - I've stayed sober for a few months at a time, then derailed again. This is finally the time that is going to last long term, I am sure of it. For me, the problem is that I acannot ever just have one or two drinks - sooner or later (sooner) it always ends in a binge and more often than not, blackout. I am a smart, hard working, loving and honest person when I am sober. I am the complete opposite when I drink. I become obnoxious, loud and worst of all, a complete liar. I have been very nasty and told horrible lies when drunk of which my sober self is horrified and deeply ashamed.

I have posted the below in my class thread also, but at the crux of 30 days, I finally have the courage to branch out to the wider community here for support and guidance, as I am so so so determined to maintain my sobriety, and I was hoping some of you may have had similar experiences upon which you could draw to offer some advice.

Here goes.

My last binge, the one that lead me back here, was in mid-January. We were with a friend of ours (who is heavy into drink and drugs, but a really lovely guy and 'functional' in his addictions) and his new girlfriend (lovely girl) and another friend of our friend whom we had not met before, also a nice guy but also a drinker/recreational drug user. The night was perfectly fine until the 'messy' phase - after the club when we carried on the night back at our friends house all through the next day and then back to our own house after that into the following day. This all ended in blackout for me, the final nail in the coffin that woke me up to the debilitation of my issues with alcohol and finally made me face the fact that I will NEVER be able to just have one or two drinks, ever. Anyway, I have a patchy memory of what happened but I know that there were some deep conversations and I am sure that in my drunken idiotic state I was mixing lies with half truths. I have not seen these people since. About an hour ago, my husband got a call from our friend to say his girlfriend (the girl we met that night) has come over (she lives in a different country) for a few days, and has asked us to dinner on Thursday evening. He is also inviting the other friend and his respective girlfriend. I don't think my husband was aware of just how ****** up I was during that binge as he was pretty drunk too. I am consumed with anxiety and fear of what I said and what I may have said, and the lies I may have told. I can't pull out of the dinner, but I am racked, once again, with the dark shadows and guilt cast by my drinking behaviours. I guess I just have to go and see these people and hope that we can move forward, or that everyone has forgotten that night/chooses not to bring it up - however I have no idea what to say if it does come up except 'I am SO SO sorry'. I know for sure I was talking **** at the least, and at worst I know I have told some really off the wall lies in the past whilst messed up.

I just needed to get this off my chest here, in a safe space, because I know that previously this type of anxiety would have driven me to drink on the night of the dinner to cope. I don't want to do that this time, or any other time again. I want to use this to fuel my sobriety, not a relapse.

Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? Thanks in advance for reading and sharing.

Finalround

There is no way I could go to that dinner. Way too early in to be in a situation with heavy partiers.

NewChapterJan18

@Finalround: thank you for your response and for taking the time to read. Just to clarify, this will be a tame dinner, no drugs will be consumed and there will be no heavy drinking (of course i will not be drinking at all), and my husband has already advised that I will be leaving after the dinner due to *made up obligation* so as to remove any expectation that I will be continuing on to a bar if the others choose to do so.

icandothis20

Ah- this has happened to me many times. I do not miss that terror and fear at being blacked out and not remembering what you said to people, or remember some of it (even worse) AHHH, I have anxiety just thinking back to my own.
However, If they have invited you back, I highly doubt that you did anything crazy, and I doubt that they would bring it up. If they do, just be honest and say you drank way too much, although if you were binge drinking with these people for 3 days straight, I am sure they may not remember a lot of what happened too.
In my case, my imagination was always making it way worse, until I just faced them again, and realized I was the only person still going over it in my head.
Use this as a reason to stay sober, and from now on, you can show them the real you. And this never has to happen again

NewChapterJan18

Thank you so so much for taking the time to read my post and respond - I appreciate the community on SR more than I can express. Yeah, I'm really hoping that this is the case (I am the only one still thinking about that night/session) - however, as you mentioned here, there are some patchy memories of certain things I said and although hazy, I know there's a likelihood that I told some crazy lies. I really hate myself for this. As the others were taking drugs, I think they may have been more 'together' as this was 'straightening them out' as i was just getting more drunk and messy. I'm hoping no one brings it up and we can just move forward.

I am definitely using this as my final straw that crystallised how devastatingly awful the effects of my drinking were/are. I guess focusing on my dedication to sobriety is all I can do at this point and just try to make amends by staying sober and being a good person, the person I know that I really am, and not influenced by alcohol.

DayTrader

Very similar things happened to me... several times, so I know the guilt and remorse train well.

Early into my recovery from alcoholism and somewhat infrequent but heavy drug use, it occurred to me that I would not really be able to completely hide or shelter myself from exposure to drugs and/or booze. I'd have to find a way to life with those things occasionally around me. I didn't think it was fair to expect everyone who came into contact with me to alter their lifestyle to suit mine. Looking back, I'm glad I came to that conclusion - that my recovery was on ME, not "them."

As for how to mend those relationships, how to "coexist" with people drinking, how to leave a content lifestyle that I actually LIKE aaaand don't have to use/drink just to keep my spirits up - I found the 12 Steps in AA were a massive help. Actually, I doubt I could have stayed sober for long without them.

jhonnyspa

I am sure we have all been there, I am feeling the anxiety now after relapsing and going on a 2-day alcohol and benzo binge.I worry about the people that, I may have offended who rang my phone.But as for the people we party with. I find that most times they cannot or do not want to remember the binge as they are afraid of what the said or did.In any event good luck with sobriety but if you change nothing, nothing changes.

icandothis20

Exactly! Just like my signature quote, focus only on what you can control. What you can control now, is going to the dinner sober and continuing to live a sober life. A couple months from now, you may see the whole event as a blessing because it was the thing that prompted you to get sober. We all have those moments, and those are moments of grace. Whether they look like it at the time or not.
Whats happened, has happened. You cant go back and fix or re do that night, and you cant control how they think or what they think. You sound like you have a wonderful, supportive husband. Focus on all the good and try not to over analyze. All you can control is how you behave from here going forward

NewChapterJan18

@DayTrader: Thank you so much for your post, I really appreciate your support and empathy. Especially right now as I am deep in the well of self loathing as I reflect on the awful person I become when I am drinking.

I agree it is definitely our sole responsibility to adapt to our new sober lifestyle. This is why I feel i cannot isolate myself from friends who drink etc. as this is not a long term solution. My husband also enjoys drinking, and is not a problem drinker like me, so some of our social activities will continue to include people and situations with alcohol. It's an important point you raise regarding the type of people you continue to socialise with - I have been 'trying' to get sober for about 3 years now, on and off, and in that time i have made huge strides in identifying those people from my heavy 'partying' days with whom i had nothing in common other than partying. I have largely distanced myself from this entire group over time. This particular friend is one of the few from that scene that is truly a good person and has been friends with my husband for 10+ years, so though we see him infrequently, he will always be around. I just hope that his other friend, the one we only met that night, doesn't raise that session or anything that was said, and that I will have the opportunity to leave it in the past and move forward, putting distance between that weekend and my new sober life.

The joys of alcohol, right? It really pains me to think of all the damage I caused and the behaviour I have engaged in over the years that is so disparate from my true self. All motivation and reinforcement to stay on this path, I guess.

NewChapterJan18

Thanks for taking the time to read and post, @Jhonnyspa. I hope your come down is starting to level and your anxiety is starting to ease. I am shuddering even thinking of the come down from my aforementioned binge. I hope this is true, and that even if they do remember, they just leave it be. I know I never mention anything to others if they've engaged me in a deep conversation whilst out, as I know from my own misadventures most people don't want to revisit drunk conversations they've had, no matter the content. All the best on your journey.

NewChapterJan18

I really love this - thank you. Reading your post made me think of that weekend in a new light - it is my 'Rock Bottom'. The lies I hazily remember telling that night and the binging are so far from the person I want to be, the life I want to lead. I have stopped digging. I may still be in that hole i buried myself in, but at least through commitment to sobriety, I am looking upwards and trying to claw my way out.

Dropsie

NC,

I don't know the right answer, but it might be to just be honest upfront, rather that waiting for the shoe to fall.

"Thanks so much for having us. I was so drunk the last time we were together, and was talking such **** to the extent I can remember, that I am happy to see I am still welcome. Needless to say, I will be having water tonight."

Done dusted, worries over.

Just an thought...

icandothis20

You are so welcome. Its how I also chose to look at my last binge sesh in which I embarrassed myself too! You have the capacity to build an amazing life- exactly as you want it. I am 27 too girl, I can relate! If you ever need anything PM me!

NewChapterJan18

You know what, I will keep that in mind! And please, you the same - I'm here if you need me. We're all in this together. Thank you so much again, you've no idea how much you've helped me today.

NewChapterJan18

Yeah, I think I may take this approach. I will gauge the tone of the table when I arrive, and if there is a sense that all is not forgiven/forgotten, I'll just be upfront and apologise straight out and try to neutralise the situation.

Thank you for reading and sharing your advice, I really appreciate your input.

DreamCatcher17

NewChapter,

You are not alone. at all. I have done and said some lies and half-truths while under the influence.
The best thing I did for myself, was to come clean.... With as much as I could as I didn't always remember what I did and or said. I felt better after. Even though some friendships have ended because of the things I did, it was a blessing in disguise for my recovery as I was, and am, unable to continue to hang out with these people with how much they drink.

I wish you the best during this dinner. It takes courage to admit our faults. You got this.

-DC

NewChapterJan18

Thank you @DreamCatcher - even reading your words of empathy and hearing that I am not alone makes it that bit easier, though I am still racked with guilt and disgust over my drunken behaviour. It is becoming more apparent from all of the wonderful people who have taken the time to read and respond on this thread that honesty may be the best policy. I will simply have to surrender to the past and just offer my sincere apologies, and hope that that is enough. If it is not, I will just have to chalk it up as reinforcement for my sobriety.

Thank you again for your kind response, I truly appreciate it.

milly4me

NewChapter - I think so many of us have been there so many times. I've found that these situations usually go one of two ways; either the people are reaching out to you because they feel like they've found a good "drinking buddy". They've found someone who can get as messed up as they are (even more perhaps) and not judge them. Or . . . they are non-alcoholic types who realize things got a bit out of hand, but don't judge much. They just assume it was a one time or occasional thing. They haven't bothered to give it much thought at all.

I see nothing wrong with issuing an apology. Just a "man things got out of hand last time. Glad we can all still be friends" sort of thing.

I'd suggest you don't over think it. People really don't think about you or your past actions as much as you think they do.

NewChapterJan18

Thank you so much for your kind words and supportive input, @Milly. I really appreciate you taking the time to read and respond to my thread, I’ve been so anxious about this all day and the community here on SR has really helped me to try and contextualise the situation and work out a plan for managing it as best I can.

Dee74

When I was newly sober I felt the need to explain things - almost oversharing - I carried a lot of guilt.

If these people were as drunk as you were, and it seems they were, I suspect that the last time you met and any deep and meaningfuls that occurred that night won't be raised seriously, if at all - if it is, simply apologise and move on, NC - you're on a good road now

D