milly4me

30 days ago, 30 days sober seemed like an impossibility, but here I am.

Honestly I was hoping for more than what I'm feeling now.

I'm not really sleeping any better than before (not bad, just not better). My mood hasn't really gone up or down these last 30 days (no "pink cloud"). My skin doesn't feel different. My bloat and weight hasn't changed.

I have been exercising a bit (taking it slow and steady on purpose), and my digestion is much better.

I had been telling friends I wasn't drinking for 30 days (just a "dry period"). 30 days ago that seemed like the best way turn down a drink. The other day I friend offered me a drink (rather insistently actually) and I reminded her of my 30 day goal . . .. and I have to confess I had a flashing moment of "just two more days and I can drink again" go thru my brain.

I have to be careful to tell myself that the "30 day break" was just an excuse I was using for others. I'm never drinking again, right? I mean I'M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN. i think.

I don't know. I'm not going to drink today. I know that. I need more of a plan going forward, I guess.

ProfessorD

Milly, congratulations on 30 days! I know you are feeling meh, but I think there is so much to be proud of here. Maybe a gratitude list or journaling about some of the benefits (even just psychological, internal) might help you see the progress you've made. I wonder if part of why you feel meh is because you are afraid you are going to fall off the wagon. There is a lot in your post which makes me think you are not 100% ready to quit. I'm worried for you because when I've been in that spot, I know my AV has used ANY opportunity to convince me I'm better off drinking. What would it take to make you 100% sure you want to never drink again?

Anna

Congratulations on 30 days! That's super.

I never experienced the pink cloud either. I had too many messes in my life that I'd created to feel very optimistic. So, my mood improved very slowly, but steadily.

Exercise of any kind is a good tool. For me, I chose walking, and some yoga. The walking helped in so many ways. I had become very isolated and the act of going out, walking the neighbourhood, felt really good.

I got back to simple things that I used to enjoy but had given up. Do you have any hobbies or activities in your life that bring your joy? I also found journaling helped me work through my muddled emotions.

And, be sure to take time to be proud of yourself and how far you've come.

milly4me

Thanks guys.

ProfessorD, Yeah I'm a bit afraid I'm setting myself up to fail too. Do I have to embrace 100% sobriety right now? Can I just decide not to drink for another 30 days? (I don't currently have any desire to drink.) Honestly I feel like I haven't yet seen the health benefits of giving up alcohol yet. I'm perfectly motivated to not drink for a few more months to see what benefits come. Is that disordered thinking?

Anna - I'm literally just feel "blah". I don't have any messes to clean up. I do have hobbies and interest, and I'm keeping busy and active with things.

I just can't quite put my finger on it. I'm doing more things 'cause I'm not anticipating hangovers. I've got a big project in the works that I wouldn't have undertaken if I was still drinking (I never could trust myself to follow through in the past). Idk. I'm not the type to journal, or sit too long in gratitude (though I do try to make gratitude a daily part of my life (though meditation, etc. . .)

Snowydelrico

It takes time for your body to recover.
Your liver has taken a pounding along with your brain.
30 days of being kind to yourself is great.
Drinking alcohol does absolutely no good.
It is the biggest lie there is out there.
Changes the way you think until you have willingly handed everything over to it.
Be strong and don’t take those magic beans.
1 day at a time until it’s dead and buried.

DontRemember

Personally..I 'think' there needs to be something that takes the 'mind space' that alcohol has occupied for many years for most of us. Fill the void,if you will. I'm only 13mo or so and also had a breakup mixed in,so I was basically trying to fill two voids and a lot of free time at once. It seemed very "blah..what's the point?" for a while. Once I let go of trying to control every situation things started falling into place.... slowly. They're still falling into place now for me. Give it some time and remember it's not a sprint to happiness/content.

ProfessorD

Milly, I really have no idea what the rules are! I guess whatever works for you is the best thing to do. It's strange because we are supposed to take things one day at a time...but I also know personally that if I had a plan to drink eventually, even if that plan was abstract or that time was very far in the future, my AV would leverage it against me. It would tell me that if I plan to drink in 30 days, I might as well drink today. But that could just be me!

I have no wisdom here, but I support whatever method is going to bring you peace of mind. It doesn't sound like you have that quite yet? Maybe folks with more experience can weigh in...

ProfessorD

Forgot to add: I also think there's something to just "faking it til you make it." As long as you're sober, maybe it's OK that you feel meh for now?

daredevil

Milly,

One thing that I found helpful (and have gratuity for) is the improvements that I saw in my lab-work (liver enzymes, GGT, pancreatic enzymes [amylase, lipase], kidney function [EGFR, creatinine], etc.) from where they were when I was at an inpatient facility during the summer and where they are now. And I believe that 30 days of abstinence is long enough to see a noticeable improvement in these areas.

I had a lot of inertia getting started implementing a recovery plan...but just seeing discernible, quantifiable and tangible benefits on paper (e.g., a lab report) served to reinforce the fact that abstinence (even alone) aligns well with my hierarchy of values.

Hawkeye13

I assume you were an alcoholic for a lot longer than 30 days--I know I was, and the healing of body and mind took time and patience.

It's really worth it, however. . .
Hang in there Milly and give the magic time to really get going.

J50

Good call! While you may not feel better, you are giving your brain and body a gift by not drinking.

Dee74

My first 30 days was all about not drinking - I felt awful.

The next 30 days I felt better and by 90 I felt pretty good, all things considering

Stay the course Milly - it's absolutely the right road for you to be on

D

milly4me

Thanks for all the feedback. It really helped me clarify a few things.

1) My original 30 day deadline was never a "and then I can drink again" deadline (other than that one fleeting thought). It's was more of a "make a goal to run a mile, before making a goal to run a marathon". So, I will be setting my mind to another 30 days sober. And then pause there and appreciate the changes before continuing the journey.

2) I wish I had more concrete ways to measure my progress. I don't have lab work . . . but something like that. I may have to think of other ways to measure progress. I guess I understand why they give out those coin things in AA.

3) I guess I did spend the first 30 days obsessing over "not drinking", and I think that's all right. It's what I need to do for right now. Sometime back ago I decided to get completely out of debt and spent four years pinching pennies. I listened to financial podcasts. I poured over my monthly budget weekly, etc . . . and you know what? I got out of debt and haven't been back. I spend A LOT of time thinking about NOT spending money and it worked for me. Now I barely think about money at all (just enough to keep my goals on track). So for now, I'm going to do the same with drinking. I'm going to obsess about NOT drinking.

Dee74

I obsessed about drinking, then I obsessed about not drinking - then I stopped obsessing.

You will too Milly

D