Please help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Fort Riley KS
Posts: 6
Please help
I'm a member but from what I gather this is for people who have already quit drinking. This is not the case for me.
I'm an alcoholic but I have never been professionally diagnosed. I'm educated enough to know that I am with out seeing someone. I drink every day and most days I don't even feel like drinking. I CRAVE alcohol. I know that sounds silly but it's true. I crave alcohol like a dehydrated person thirsts for water. I have never had many cravings. But I feel like I NEED alcohol on a day to day basis.
I'm 24. I never thought I was an alcoholic until this year. Until the last three months. Even though people around me knew I was. In fact people that know me best would automatically ask (or even worse already KNOW) when I was drunk as soon as they spoke (even if it was just online) to me even though other people couldn't tell.
For a couple of years I admitted I had a "little" drinking problem although I never thought it was as bad as being an aloholic. If there is such a thing. I'm beginning to think there isn't a difference.
My problem isn't just that I drink. It's that I lose my memory from almost the beginning but drink until I have no alcohol or any way to get MORE alcohol.
I drove while intoxicated for the first time a couple of weeks ago. THAT scares me. But obviously not enough to stop because I'm already on my third glass of vodka and OJ tonight. I wasn't just a little intoxicated. I was hammered. How I ever made it home is beyond me.
I havent' done it since then, but I'm afraid I will. Because once I start drinking I can't get enough...ever...until I'm passed out in an ignorance bliss.
BUt it's never bliss for very long because the next day I hear about people I called in the middle of the night, or people I talked to online that I don't remember talking to EVER if I'm sober.
What I don't understand about this whole alcohol thing is sometimes I do things that are premeditated but I don't even remember doing them.
For example. I starting saving all my IM converstaions and emails in Word Perfect so I won't NOT KNOW what I said the nexzt day in my drunken ignorance. I save things I don't even remember saving or writing to begin with. What I don't understand is...if I'm sober enough to KNOW to SAVE them....then how drunk am I really.
Another example is my son. I make his breakfast in advance and stick it in the microwave ready to be heated in advance. I never remember making it in the first place OR even thinking about it. But always after a drunken binge it's there. Waiting. I premake his sippy cups and everything. But it's all while I'm drunk. I just don't know how if I', SO drunk I don't remember doing it...that I remember TO do it in the first place.
Like I said. I have never been properly diagnosed by a pysician or a treatment facility. But I know (KNOW) that I'm an alcoholic. I have ALL the signs and symptoms. I crave it, I can't keep a job because I just can't even get out of bed in the morning to GO to a job...I drink every day....I even shake most of the following day after drinking. I know all of those are bad warning signs of an alcoholic.
I'm afraid to see someone in person. I'm afraid I will lose my son, or my secret will be exposed. Believe it or not...even though I seem to be typing pretty well...I'm fairly blitzed right now.
I need advice. I need HELP more then anything. But I don't want to lose my son and I don't want to be exposed. I don't want to have a RECORD if that makes any sense. I just don't know what to do.
So I'm here. ANd I'm hoping I can find the thing I'm looking for to help me end this. This is becoming too hard to hide, and too hard to have as a part of my life. But I've told myself before that I was going to quit drinking. And the truth is I can't on my own. Because every single night I drink again. and again. and again. ANd it's starting to happen earlier and earlier every day.
This hasn't completely ruined my life yet but it's cutting it close. I need to know what to do before then. Simply quitting is not the answer because I have tried that on my own and it just does't work.
PLEASE. I NEED advice. This isn't a plea for attention I swear. Because attention in this area is the last thing I want. But right now I feel desparate.
I'm an alcoholic but I have never been professionally diagnosed. I'm educated enough to know that I am with out seeing someone. I drink every day and most days I don't even feel like drinking. I CRAVE alcohol. I know that sounds silly but it's true. I crave alcohol like a dehydrated person thirsts for water. I have never had many cravings. But I feel like I NEED alcohol on a day to day basis.
I'm 24. I never thought I was an alcoholic until this year. Until the last three months. Even though people around me knew I was. In fact people that know me best would automatically ask (or even worse already KNOW) when I was drunk as soon as they spoke (even if it was just online) to me even though other people couldn't tell.
For a couple of years I admitted I had a "little" drinking problem although I never thought it was as bad as being an aloholic. If there is such a thing. I'm beginning to think there isn't a difference.
My problem isn't just that I drink. It's that I lose my memory from almost the beginning but drink until I have no alcohol or any way to get MORE alcohol.
I drove while intoxicated for the first time a couple of weeks ago. THAT scares me. But obviously not enough to stop because I'm already on my third glass of vodka and OJ tonight. I wasn't just a little intoxicated. I was hammered. How I ever made it home is beyond me.
I havent' done it since then, but I'm afraid I will. Because once I start drinking I can't get enough...ever...until I'm passed out in an ignorance bliss.
BUt it's never bliss for very long because the next day I hear about people I called in the middle of the night, or people I talked to online that I don't remember talking to EVER if I'm sober.
What I don't understand about this whole alcohol thing is sometimes I do things that are premeditated but I don't even remember doing them.
For example. I starting saving all my IM converstaions and emails in Word Perfect so I won't NOT KNOW what I said the nexzt day in my drunken ignorance. I save things I don't even remember saving or writing to begin with. What I don't understand is...if I'm sober enough to KNOW to SAVE them....then how drunk am I really.
Another example is my son. I make his breakfast in advance and stick it in the microwave ready to be heated in advance. I never remember making it in the first place OR even thinking about it. But always after a drunken binge it's there. Waiting. I premake his sippy cups and everything. But it's all while I'm drunk. I just don't know how if I', SO drunk I don't remember doing it...that I remember TO do it in the first place.
Like I said. I have never been properly diagnosed by a pysician or a treatment facility. But I know (KNOW) that I'm an alcoholic. I have ALL the signs and symptoms. I crave it, I can't keep a job because I just can't even get out of bed in the morning to GO to a job...I drink every day....I even shake most of the following day after drinking. I know all of those are bad warning signs of an alcoholic.
I'm afraid to see someone in person. I'm afraid I will lose my son, or my secret will be exposed. Believe it or not...even though I seem to be typing pretty well...I'm fairly blitzed right now.
I need advice. I need HELP more then anything. But I don't want to lose my son and I don't want to be exposed. I don't want to have a RECORD if that makes any sense. I just don't know what to do.
So I'm here. ANd I'm hoping I can find the thing I'm looking for to help me end this. This is becoming too hard to hide, and too hard to have as a part of my life. But I've told myself before that I was going to quit drinking. And the truth is I can't on my own. Because every single night I drink again. and again. and again. ANd it's starting to happen earlier and earlier every day.
This hasn't completely ruined my life yet but it's cutting it close. I need to know what to do before then. Simply quitting is not the answer because I have tried that on my own and it just does't work.
PLEASE. I NEED advice. This isn't a plea for attention I swear. Because attention in this area is the last thing I want. But right now I feel desparate.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
Hi Ace,
Welcome! I'm Anna, recovering alcoholic and I truly understand your desperation. It's an awful place to be in, to realize that your life is out of control. I was there too. But, you can stop and we're here to help and you can regain control of your life. It's hard to do, but you can do it.
It would probably be a good idea to talk to your dr before you stop drinking because it can be dangerous to stop suddenly. I do understand how you fear losing your son but if you continue drinking your chances of losing him increase. The best thing to do is to take positive steps in staying sober - get counselling, go to AA, talk to your dr. You have a better chance of not losing your son if you start working today on staying sober.
There's lots of support here and lots of information and inspiration. Keep posting and believe that you can do this.
Anna
Welcome! I'm Anna, recovering alcoholic and I truly understand your desperation. It's an awful place to be in, to realize that your life is out of control. I was there too. But, you can stop and we're here to help and you can regain control of your life. It's hard to do, but you can do it.
It would probably be a good idea to talk to your dr before you stop drinking because it can be dangerous to stop suddenly. I do understand how you fear losing your son but if you continue drinking your chances of losing him increase. The best thing to do is to take positive steps in staying sober - get counselling, go to AA, talk to your dr. You have a better chance of not losing your son if you start working today on staying sober.
There's lots of support here and lots of information and inspiration. Keep posting and believe that you can do this.
Anna
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 425
Hi Ace, my name is Diana and I am a recovering alcholic/addict
Congratulations for coming here, and congratulations for reaching out and seeing that you have a problem. You have taken the first step.
Many of us in this site have managed to stay off drugs and alcohol. Many on this site, like you are just coming to the realization that they have a probem, but are still drinking or using. Many also have clean time, and slip up. This site is where you can express yourself openly and honestly without being judged.
All are welcome. Please keep posting and reading.
My thoughts and prayers go out to you
Diana
Congratulations for coming here, and congratulations for reaching out and seeing that you have a problem. You have taken the first step.
Many of us in this site have managed to stay off drugs and alcohol. Many on this site, like you are just coming to the realization that they have a probem, but are still drinking or using. Many also have clean time, and slip up. This site is where you can express yourself openly and honestly without being judged.
All are welcome. Please keep posting and reading.
My thoughts and prayers go out to you
Diana
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: williamsburg virginia
Posts: 19
ace101....
i was you when i was 24 and im still you now---in a way
what im hearing in your post is that youre *as youve stated* desperate and you feel out of control---and these two feelings are fueling your desire to drink
one thing I have realized recently is -ALCOHOL IS M A K I N G YOU FEEL RECKLESS AND OUT OF CONTROL --- its not helping you do anything but make your already stressful situation worse---its like scratching an itch is only going to provide you with temporary relief--eventually you scratch too much and you break the skin--infection ensues and viola--a nice nasty scar to remind you that you went too far.
Dont take this as preaching---Im an alcoholic and I often mistake alcohol as my friend---and thats why Im here talking to you---heck--ive only been sober for 3 DAYS!!!But Ive had a long relationship with booze and have seen its casualties--and honey---its sad...
LOVE AND NURTURE YOURSELF!You deserve it and Im here kickin it one day at a time so holla at me if you need to vent.People hear seem to really like to spread the love.
PS---go to AA and listen---its a good place to warm your soul...
i was you when i was 24 and im still you now---in a way
what im hearing in your post is that youre *as youve stated* desperate and you feel out of control---and these two feelings are fueling your desire to drink
one thing I have realized recently is -ALCOHOL IS M A K I N G YOU FEEL RECKLESS AND OUT OF CONTROL --- its not helping you do anything but make your already stressful situation worse---its like scratching an itch is only going to provide you with temporary relief--eventually you scratch too much and you break the skin--infection ensues and viola--a nice nasty scar to remind you that you went too far.
Dont take this as preaching---Im an alcoholic and I often mistake alcohol as my friend---and thats why Im here talking to you---heck--ive only been sober for 3 DAYS!!!But Ive had a long relationship with booze and have seen its casualties--and honey---its sad...
LOVE AND NURTURE YOURSELF!You deserve it and Im here kickin it one day at a time so holla at me if you need to vent.People hear seem to really like to spread the love.
PS---go to AA and listen---its a good place to warm your soul...
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: east coast
Posts: 2,440
Hi Ace,
Welcome to SoberRecovery. I'm Sherry, recovering alcohlic/addict. I too can identify with the pain you're in. I agree with Anna about talking with your doctor. Also, about the AA meetings. There are people in the rooms that can and will help you save your life. It's good that you see that you have a problem. Now it's up to you to decide what to do about it. There is alot of support here. We have all been where you are, and some are still where you are. Just stick around, read some posts, and post where you need to. Prayers are going out for you.
Sherry
Welcome to SoberRecovery. I'm Sherry, recovering alcohlic/addict. I too can identify with the pain you're in. I agree with Anna about talking with your doctor. Also, about the AA meetings. There are people in the rooms that can and will help you save your life. It's good that you see that you have a problem. Now it's up to you to decide what to do about it. There is alot of support here. We have all been where you are, and some are still where you are. Just stick around, read some posts, and post where you need to. Prayers are going out for you.
Sherry
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Fort Riley KS
Posts: 6
I have a question or maybe two...If I go to someone NOW can I still lose my son? And do I need something like detox? Also how is it dangerous if I stop using alcohol on my own? I mean is it life threatening? If so can't I just take myself off little by little?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Good Ole' Rocky Top!
Posts: 3,540
((((((((Ace)))))))))))))))))
I know your pain. I am Ang, 38 years old, mother of two, alcoholic. ONLY, by the grace of God, have me and my childrend survived. I drove drunk only more times then I care to mention. Never a DUI or a crash, but like I said, ONLY, by the grace of God.
Please, yes, do talk to a doc. They are not all understanding, but some of them are and there are things they can do to help. Some, are not so understanding and will only tell you to go into in patient therapy. Just KEEP going to a doctor who will understand your situation and give you help!
And, of course, as the others said, go to AA. Take your child with you. They can help.
Thoughts and prayers to you my friend,
Love,
Ang
I know your pain. I am Ang, 38 years old, mother of two, alcoholic. ONLY, by the grace of God, have me and my childrend survived. I drove drunk only more times then I care to mention. Never a DUI or a crash, but like I said, ONLY, by the grace of God.
Please, yes, do talk to a doc. They are not all understanding, but some of them are and there are things they can do to help. Some, are not so understanding and will only tell you to go into in patient therapy. Just KEEP going to a doctor who will understand your situation and give you help!
And, of course, as the others said, go to AA. Take your child with you. They can help.
Thoughts and prayers to you my friend,
Love,
Ang
Paused
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Washington
Posts: 5,093
(((Ace)))
I can relate to your story so. There are alot of similarities. I also had a concern about losing my daughter. I didn't though. I quit drinking and started attending AA meetings. I can't imagine any court would take a child away from their mother, if the mother was making an active effort to seek treatment. I echoe what the others say, call your doctor and be honest about your drinking. There are medications that can help with the physical addiction and the cravings for alcohol. Withdrawals can be dangerous. You shouldn't try to do it alone, especially with your child in your attendance. I'll post a link that explains the physical withdrawals as soon as I find it. The black outs seem to get worse over time, they did for me. I'd find all kinds of confusing evidence the day after drinking. Get help right away. Get help before your worse fear comes true, the fear of losing your son. I use to drink and drive with my daughter in the car...thank God nothing happened. Put an end to it. You made the first step in admitting you have a problem, now make the next step. Call your docter and AA in your area. Good luck and come back and let us continue to help you in any way we can.
Check back for the link about the withdrawals. I'll have it up in a few minutes.
LeAnne
I can relate to your story so. There are alot of similarities. I also had a concern about losing my daughter. I didn't though. I quit drinking and started attending AA meetings. I can't imagine any court would take a child away from their mother, if the mother was making an active effort to seek treatment. I echoe what the others say, call your doctor and be honest about your drinking. There are medications that can help with the physical addiction and the cravings for alcohol. Withdrawals can be dangerous. You shouldn't try to do it alone, especially with your child in your attendance. I'll post a link that explains the physical withdrawals as soon as I find it. The black outs seem to get worse over time, they did for me. I'd find all kinds of confusing evidence the day after drinking. Get help right away. Get help before your worse fear comes true, the fear of losing your son. I use to drink and drive with my daughter in the car...thank God nothing happened. Put an end to it. You made the first step in admitting you have a problem, now make the next step. Call your docter and AA in your area. Good luck and come back and let us continue to help you in any way we can.
Check back for the link about the withdrawals. I'll have it up in a few minutes.
LeAnne
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Good Ole' Rocky Top!
Posts: 3,540
(((((((((((Ace))))))))))))))
PLEASE hang in there. Keep reading the responses to your thread. There are a LOT of people here with a LOT of experience. READ their responses!!!!!!!! Do NOT give up. We are all pulling for you!!!!!!!!!!!
Hang on tight.
Love and hugs to you,
Ang
PLEASE hang in there. Keep reading the responses to your thread. There are a LOT of people here with a LOT of experience. READ their responses!!!!!!!! Do NOT give up. We are all pulling for you!!!!!!!!!!!
Hang on tight.
Love and hugs to you,
Ang
Paused
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Washington
Posts: 5,093
(((Ace)))
Here's the link:
If you do a search of alcohol withdrawal symptoms, you'll find numerous sites. Check them out.
I just wanted to reiterate how much your drinking mirrors mine. One drink and that was never enough, until I passed out. I lost my job due to drinking and the financial burden has been tremendous. It's hard to get back up after something like that. Financially and emotionally. Regaining trust and reestablishing ones self is a long, hard rode. Yes, people probably do know about your drinking. We don't fool many. It only gets worse, and when you feel as if it can't get any lower, you do. The progression of alcoholism is swift and steady. The only way out of the mess, is abstinence. Again good luck and my best goes out to you. I'm glad you found your way here. The people here know and understand what you are going through. We've all been there at one time or another. Never give up the fight and strength in numbers.
LeAnne
Here's the link:
If you do a search of alcohol withdrawal symptoms, you'll find numerous sites. Check them out.
I just wanted to reiterate how much your drinking mirrors mine. One drink and that was never enough, until I passed out. I lost my job due to drinking and the financial burden has been tremendous. It's hard to get back up after something like that. Financially and emotionally. Regaining trust and reestablishing ones self is a long, hard rode. Yes, people probably do know about your drinking. We don't fool many. It only gets worse, and when you feel as if it can't get any lower, you do. The progression of alcoholism is swift and steady. The only way out of the mess, is abstinence. Again good luck and my best goes out to you. I'm glad you found your way here. The people here know and understand what you are going through. We've all been there at one time or another. Never give up the fight and strength in numbers.
LeAnne
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: east coast
Posts: 2,440
(((Ace)))
I just want to share some more experience in the losing your child area. I am recovering from alcohol and drugs. I used to smoke crack. My ex tried to take custody from me. I had about 3 weeks clean when I went to court. I was honest with the judge and told him I was in counseling and going to self help meetings. Custody remained with me. As long as your son is being taken care of, and you are making an honest effort to recover, odds are that the judge will be on your side.
As far as detoxing, LeAnne said it all. It can be dangerous, but there are safe ways to do it. Is there someone in your family that can be with you throught the worst part? I'm not going to sugar coat it and say it won't be that bad. You can die from withdrawls if you're not careful. Please talk to a doctor. Please don't let what I said scare you into continued drinking, because that could kill you, too. As long as you take the proper precautions, you can withdraw safely. Prayers are definately going out for you tonight.
Sherry
I just want to share some more experience in the losing your child area. I am recovering from alcohol and drugs. I used to smoke crack. My ex tried to take custody from me. I had about 3 weeks clean when I went to court. I was honest with the judge and told him I was in counseling and going to self help meetings. Custody remained with me. As long as your son is being taken care of, and you are making an honest effort to recover, odds are that the judge will be on your side.
As far as detoxing, LeAnne said it all. It can be dangerous, but there are safe ways to do it. Is there someone in your family that can be with you throught the worst part? I'm not going to sugar coat it and say it won't be that bad. You can die from withdrawls if you're not careful. Please talk to a doctor. Please don't let what I said scare you into continued drinking, because that could kill you, too. As long as you take the proper precautions, you can withdraw safely. Prayers are definately going out for you tonight.
Sherry
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
((((((Ace))))))
Welcome to Sober Recovery!!!! I know it is very scary to start waking up. It sounds like you really love your son. I did not need a doctor to tell me I was out of control all I had to do was feel my hangover the next day and it began to dawn on me that I had a problem. It took awhile for me to wake up.
I want to throw a little cold water on this situation and see if we can get you fully awake!!! Although your son is still very young everything you do influences him don't think he does not know that your drinking is wrong babies are innocent not brainless and they do not miss anything that goes on around them.
If you start working to get yourself clean chances are nothing will happen that would cause you to loose your son but the longer you put this off the greater the chance that you might commit some drunken act that you can't make go away by pressing the delete button on your computer. You have no excuse to not get your butt to the nearest AA meeting. Is your son really so important? Then get to some meeting right away...They will help you figure what you might need to do as far as detoxing goes too.... Take care and keep posting!!!
Welcome to Sober Recovery!!!! I know it is very scary to start waking up. It sounds like you really love your son. I did not need a doctor to tell me I was out of control all I had to do was feel my hangover the next day and it began to dawn on me that I had a problem. It took awhile for me to wake up.
I want to throw a little cold water on this situation and see if we can get you fully awake!!! Although your son is still very young everything you do influences him don't think he does not know that your drinking is wrong babies are innocent not brainless and they do not miss anything that goes on around them.
If you start working to get yourself clean chances are nothing will happen that would cause you to loose your son but the longer you put this off the greater the chance that you might commit some drunken act that you can't make go away by pressing the delete button on your computer. You have no excuse to not get your butt to the nearest AA meeting. Is your son really so important? Then get to some meeting right away...They will help you figure what you might need to do as far as detoxing goes too.... Take care and keep posting!!!
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