woowinnielrrm

This is nuts. While trying to stay sober i was at a gas station buying vape stuff when a man came in and it was obvious he was an alchi. An alchi can spot an alchi. He got a 12 pack of beer and while in line he was talking to everyone and i mean everyone. I inched away from him. I cant be near someone like that! What would ppl think? I got my vape juice and drove home thinking how in reality that man made me uncomfortable about ME. Huh. Funny.

Berrybean

Yeah - when people remind us of what we don't like about ourselves we can be pretty cruel. When we spot ourselves being like that we can start to understand the level on under-the-surface self-loathing that is keeping us down.

When we can start to feel compassion for those folks, guess what, that's when we start to feel compassion for ourselves. I tend to think that's pretty much what Jeus' sermon on the mount was all about as well. It's not that we earn God's live and forgiveness by being compassionate. We already had that through his grace anyway. No. It's that we get to recognise and feel love and compassion when we start extending it even to those whose flaws have the power to dig into us like a needle because they remind us of our own. By feeling compassion for them, we can finally accept compassion for ourselves.

Taking other people's inventorary doesn't get us better. Loving them helps us to learn to love ourselves.

BB

mandypandy

I think Berrybean has hit it on the head there. No one is as hard on us as us, and to see the traits we hate about ourselves manifested in front of out eyes, brings out all the self-loathing and dumps it on that person.
I also agree wholeheartedly about the need for compassion, both for others and for self, and the two are interconnected.

Dustitoffman

Ironic that you posted this.

Yesterday I was getting changed in the gym,s solarium changing room and this guy next to me absolutely reeked of alcohol.

I have never ever smelt it so strongly before.
He had just left the solarium so was effectively fresh out of the showers.
The smell was oozing out of him, the room was full of the stench of sweated alcohol.

I felt really bad, I thought of saying something but decided there would be nothing that I could say that would or could not be taken the wrong way.
Again I felt really bad and in my mind wondered how he had come to be in that predicament.

This in a twist has reinforced my resolve to stay clean. That now will never be me!

August252015

This.

And sometimes, I have to think that someone else is judging me- say, here, judging you getting your vape stuff- and check myself. I'm not in the judging, criticizing or knowing better than my higher power biz.

Goes back to acceptance for me. Of anything and everything (one) that might disturb me- turn it back on ME.

Definitely a process in thought-changing for me.

Josie321

I am guilty of this too. But went one step further and just thinking about it makes me feel like a right b.itch. Found myself purposely walking down the alcohol isle in the supermarket. I don't do this to 'test' myself, I did this to feel smug as I see other ppl buying alcohol and I didn't need to. How screwed up is that!

lessgravity

For me, living in a big metropolitan city it's seeing those of us who never righted their ships, on streets, in stores, on trains. That look of glassy desperation and pain. The way their bodies are bent, stooped etc.

It's less a judgment on my part when I see them than a chilling acknowledgment that yes, whatever the veneer of my life looks like (and there are plenty of cracks) that too can be me.

PeacefulWater12

There but by the grace of God, go I.

Arpeggioh

It really is pretty crazy how easily I can distinguish a "normie" buying a bottle of liquor in front of me, and then watch a fellow alkie doing the exact same thing. Something in their eyes, their body language, looking quietly desperate to have that public transaction over with quickly...it breaks my heart, and brings back awful memories...

tomsteve

good stuff there, my friend. ya know them sponsors we have in AA? yeah, welp, mine was a pecker head ONCE( that day anyways ).
i brought it up to him about seeing a practicing alcoholic at the store.
"why dont they get it?? dont they see how theyre acting? "

"remind me again,tom, how many years ya drank for?"

ProfessorD

This is so true! Thanks for your post. When I see people getting sloppy with their drinks I'm mortified because I realize how obvious it was to everyone around me that I was wasted. Ugh, alcohol really adds nothing of value to life, and it's so easy to see that in others but not always ourselves.

I think it's OK to judge, though. These situations help remind you of the importance of staying sober. You can't help strangers who are in the midst of addiction; they are in their own journey. Hopefully someday they will ask for help, just like we all did

wayforward

Hm. I never quite developed the eye for other alcoholics. The only way I could ever tell was if anybody else was at the liquor store at the same time as me (first thing in the morning, right when they opened). A lot of these people were older, probably retired. I'm a young professional, I was on my way to work.

I don't judge people who drink or who are alcoholics. I've been there, in the very worst of it. I'm only just coming out of it. Of course I would like these people to know that there is a way out, but I'm not sure how I would have responded if somebody approached me with that information. A lot of it is internal. I think being as compassionate as possible without being enabling is the best one can do. But who knows, maybe I will learn a better approach with time.

MindfulMan

If im around drinkers like that it makes me want to drink enen less, as well as help them find a path to sobriety.

CaliButterfly

Yes Mindful Man, I have found that too this time around (5 times' a charm). I get that reminder every day with my wonderful hubby. He is a long-time alcoholic and gets $hit faced nearly every night on bourbon. He reeks of it at bedtime, and I can smell it on his breath still in the morning. I see it in his eyes later (or earlier) in the evening, and I can see him sway when he tries to have a conversation. He repeats himself and can sometimes be set off easily. Luckily, he is not abusive in any way, shape or form. It reminds me of how other people saw me when I was drunk. I was originally horrified, but now accept it as who I was, not who I am. Strengthens my resolve and reinforces my lack of desire. I don't even like the thought of feeling that way again. He won't ever quit, I think, and that's his burden to bear. He just knows I'm here for him if he does decide to. I do wonder sometimes though if he resents my refound sobriety because he no longer has a drinking buddy.

Dee74

For me recovery was a real journey and I started it pretty ill. I was judgmental and cynical there for quite a long time after I quit drinking.

I'm still not a saint but I'd like to think, just as I'd hate people to judge me purely on my alcoholism, I try not to do that to others.

There's a person there behind that addiction...always.

D

DangerZone

I try not to do that. If I did I'd feel like I'd stay in house all the time and that is not me. There is nothing wrong with drinking it just doesn't work for me.

So I don't look down on others who drink. Sometimes they get annoying but if they enjoy it, they are having fun and acting responsibly then more power to them. A lot of times drunk people are very fun and entertaining at least to me. So to each their own.

If they are alcoholics and ruining their lives I'll be sad more so than judgmental.

Now if they judge me for not drinking that's where I run into issues but that hasn't happened to me very often. We tend to give ourselves more importance then we actually deserve. I'd say 90% of people don't care whether someone drinks or not. They might get curious why we don't that's all.

VikingGF

So in person we are judgy but on this site we give all of ourselves to help someone who may be that very soul we just judged in person....

After all, we wouldn't know each other in person- right?

I too, look at drinkers so very differently now vs early on- I was jealous then, but now I do feel slightly superior as they slur their words at me or wobble up to the bar, and then I get the overwhelming feeling of- "That could be me in a heartbeat- be grateful."

I find a reminder in every day for the very reason I don't drink, and it is usually from other drinkers and my feelings about them.

Lindajean68

My wife drinks....like a normal person. I don't judge it - I envy it, if I'm totally honest. What's crazy is that "back in the day" we partied together, drank excessively, etc. She naturally slowed down over the years and can have 2 beers in the evening and be completely satisfied. I crossed over that line and can never drink in moderation. It is hard sometimes. But mostly, I focus on me and feel gratitude for my sobriety. And that pretty much overtakes any envy I feel.

SoberCAH

Right after I got sober, I saw a local tv station news report on winos in the downtown area of where I live.

The reporter interviewed a drunk who said he couldn't stop drinking and just kept getting drunk everyday, even if it cost him everything in life.

I could completely identify with this poor man who lived on the streets and slept in a sleeping bag in a hobo jungle.

The only thing separating him and me was that I had asked for and received help.

I still rely on that help on a daily basis many years later.

Because I could be him.