blong

I am 23 and I just got married this past June. My husband started drinking again just a couple months before we got married (he had gone almost a year without a drink). Drinking has caused numerous problems in our marriage, and I honestly don't know what to do. We have come close to splitting up several times, but when it comes down to it, neither of us can leave. He has promised me over and over again that he was going to quit and that he realized that the drinking was the problem in our marriage, but just a few days later, he takes back his promise and tries to blame me for our problems. He says that his drinking isn't the problem...it's MY reaction to his drinking and the fact that he has to "deal with me". I don't know what to do. I love him, and our marriage is so new, I'm not willing to give up. Part of me wants to say "it's drinking or me" but I'm so scared he's going to choose drinking. What should I do?

JT

Welcome,

What he is doing and saying is pretty typical. I can't say if he is an alcoholic or not but if the drinking is causing problems for you then it is a problem.

You cannot make him stop drinking anymore than you could make him 6 inches taller. But you do have choices that you can make for yourself. You can stay and fight or you can leave. You can also stay and not fight, but work on you so that if the marriage does end you will know in your heart that you gave it your all.

It is hard to watch someone you love spin out of control. We don't all have the stomach for it...no shame there.

Hugs,
JT

ismchanger

Just ask him to find the courage to admit there's a problem. A real man needs to find that in himself, but you can't push him into it. Guys get afraid of their reactions because they are so strong. HELP him to open his heart and find a good AA meeting. I am an alchy and I know that the people at GOOD meetings (preferably not just men; the presence of women was always good for me) will help him to find the understanding that he lacks. Trust me when I say: just one or two meetings will not help. It is consistency that will allow him to really hear the hearts of those other AA's. And that will make the difference.

blong

I've suggested that he get help...that hasn't gone over well at all. He doesn't think he needs it. Just the mention of AA starts a fight.

ismchanger

OK, I can feel the stress. I am really glad you wrote back. I don't know you yet, but I can feel your stress.

If the "mention of AA" starts a fight that means he has has a level of guilt that is gnawing at him. This is a really tough deal. I have lived with that guilt, and it was incredibly hard to work through. I had to go to rehab to learn that I was being incredibly prideful. We men are really attached to our pride, and it is the undoing of us, too. Actually all alchies have pride problems. ACTUALLY ALL PEOPLE have pride issues. It says so in the Bible! And I believe the Bible! Do you have any religious ties, like a pastor you can see? Who might he listen to for advice? I actually started my recovery in a privately-run counseling center. But it turned out that AA was still the best deal on the block!

Lord, my heart goes out to you. I have a niece that is in a similar situation and she had her kids taken away because she and her man are drug users. Do you have kids yet? Anyway, are you in trouble or at risk of harm? Because if you are you need to seek safe haven. It doesn't sound like it, but I am just asking.

If you are safe, here's my advice: Don't nag. Men hate that. Ask him to listen to your heart. Tell him how much you love him and say "sweetheart, please just talk to someone about it." And remember that his frustration is about his OWN difficulty, NOT about you as a woman or partner!! Hopefully he will work with you, because it IS a two-way street. If he is not minding your pain then he is in denial. And that will only change if he is willing to address the problem.

PLEASE write back...I am really concerned, having been there, done that. God bless you, and if you want to write directly I think we can exchange private email too.

ashleighnb

It is amazing how alone you feel when going through this but when a bit of time passes and you begin to heal yourself you will see this disease for what it really is. It is still amazing to me this vicious cycle and how cunning and baffling addiction is. My best advice to you is get yourself in a local al-anon group even if he will not. Do this for you and you only!! When he sees the impact it is having on your life and trust me it will it may well be just the push he needs to see his problems more clearly and surrender to what they are doing to him. My most pofound learning has always been I didn't cause addiction/alcoholism and I can't cure it! It is imperative to your healing to learn to separate the disease from the man - at that point you will be able to see more clearly exactly what decisions need to be made in your best interest.