Xia

My XABF (broken up now almost 6 months after 15 months of dating) is picking up in his contacting me and crying how alone he is and how much he loves me and "Please help me."
I know the 3 C's, I also remind him that me being in the relationship didn't help him - his drinking progressively got worse. And that there are tried and true programs out there (that he very well knows about) that he has to take the first step towards. I can't do that for him.

I'm still healing, I'm not quite "over" all of this. From my experience now I feel like a breakup with an alcoholic partner sucks in an entirely different and acute way than any of the past breakups with people I've loved. I haven't posted here in a while but I read here almost daily, and attend Alanon.
Still, in the moment when he's so despondent and crying for me to help him, how he's so alone, I'm at a loss for words to say. What do I say that's loving and compassionate but responsibly protective of me too?
We've been no contact for a while and I haven't seen him in a couple of months. My recovery is slow but steadily moving positive. We've had to interact because I did need to remove my things from his place but that's been handled now.
Blocking him or coldly going no contact after this last tearful plea doesn't sit well with me -- he is very much alone and in pain I know. I also know know I'm dealing with an illogical irrational brain in the grips of addiction. Any advice on what to say? or not to say?

Mango blast

If you're finding relief and healing in "No Contact", there is NO requirement to change that.

I was threatened by text message from my husband that he'd call the police if I didn't call him. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to keep in No Contact, but was afraid of somehow being in trouble with the law... tears and laughter both came as a very kind 911 officer said, "Honey, you don't have to call your husband."

He's now in recovery. It had absolutely nothing to do with me.

If he were still drinking, that wouldn't have anything to do with me, either.

It helped me last summer to see in these forums that "I love you. You're perfect for me." from an active alcoholic/addict means "You put up with my crap."

Mango blast

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ords-maia.html (Words from maia. :))

LLLisa

Stay no contact. That's a pretty big NO in itself. It's the only thing that works for me with my XAH.

I have found that even when I fall for one of his tricks to re-engage with him (he uses our kids as an excuse) then it very quickly descends into nastiness and abuse. For example: what a life wrecking, b*tch I am and how I am the reason he drinks and how I am the reason he is abusive toward me. I've heard it all before and have no need to hear it again and again and again and again.

PeacefulWater12

Correct.

Staying No Contact is best for you. I found if I fell for it and re-engaged, it quickly turned nasty.

I visualise it like someone fishing. They use different types of bait until they find one that hooks you in.

dandylion

Xia....Is it a good bet that he is drinking...or in some level of intoxication, when he calls....If so, that means that he will remember little of what you say...or, that the content of what you say will just go over his head.
Talking to someone who is intoxicated is really a waste of breath....
You will remember everything and drive your compassionate self crazy wanting to change their life for them.....but, it is not that way for the alcoholic mind....

You are right...you cannot fill the hole inside of him...(you tried).....
I am not saying to be mean to him...but, to withdraw yourself as an enabler.....

velma929

I remind him that me being in the relationship didn't help him - his drinking progressively got worse.

You know the answer.

SparkleKitty

Sometimes people ask for help but what they mean is, help me the way *I* want you to help me. Sounds like that is what he asking.

You do him and yourself a much greater service by letting him figure this out on his own. Feeling bad for him doesn't make the three C's any less true.

AnvilheadII

chances are good you are not the ONLY person he is calling.....keep that in mind.....

Xia

Thank you everyone for taking the time to read my post and for your words of wisdom. The support and reassurance that leaving him to fight and figure this out for himself is the best thing for him, and me, helps tremendously. Thank you.

Mango blast

Xia,

You are very important. As we learn to be free from the judgement of others, as we place our own value, health and JOY before everything else, life keeps getting filled up with more and more wonderful, beautiful and HEALTHY days. ((((Hugs))))

I find posting to be very therapeutic for me. Look for whatever paths work and follow them with joy!

Spence7471

One piece of advice...

While I agree with what everyone above has posted.... my wife wanted someone to go with her when she checked into rehab... for her, she had a former sponsor that she called upon.. and I agreed to also go as a show of my support (I had already kicked her out of the house at this time and she knew she was not welcome back until she got help). She was nervous about going by herself. If nothing else, if you do engage with him at all, suggest you meet him at a rehab facility.... show him you support him getting help. DO NOT TAKE HIM THO.... as others said, it has to be on him to make the effort.

trailmix

Hi Xia,

You sound really grounded, that's great.

Let's break this down. He's crying, telling you how alone he is and he loves you and asks you to help him.

How exactly can you do that?

He is obviously lonely and does need help probably. He didn't ask for a ride to rehab or AA. Didn't say he needs 20 dollars for food or gas.

What exactly does he want? He wants you there to hold his hand while he drinks. To be kind and caring and all the things you probably normally were. You opted out of that months ago and with good reason.

Your reaction to this is really the only reaction available (short of driving over there and doing that hand holding and jumping back in to that relationship). You told him that he needs to reach out for help to organizations and maybe some of that will sink in. I hope so.

I understand your not wanting to coldly go no contact, so all you can really do is keep on keeping on the way you have been. Just be sure to protect yourself as much as you can.

NYCDoglvr

I suggest looking back to the times he said something that meant nothing. If he's in enough pain he can quit drinking but that won't happen because of anything you say. Remember, he has a choice and continues drinking. Go no contact and don't look back.

Xia

Thank you Spence for this perspective, and pointing out the distinction between support and enabling.

Again, hearing everyone's encouragement to stay resolute in not getting sucked back in is very helpful.

maia1234

Xia,
Yes that contact hurts the heart. You know that you want to suggest help but you know that he is just not there. While asking you to help, he is not asking to go to rehab. He is saying I am miserable, lonely and can't stand living this way. If you come and rescue him, nurse him back to "health", he will never hit that rock bottom of being alone and miserable.

He knows why you broke up and can't be in a relationship with him. He is just reaching out to see if you will take the bait. Protect yourself at all costs and wish him well. He can contact you when he has a year of sobriety under his belt. Stay strong my friend!! He will never achieve the ultimate goal if you rescue him!!

Mango blast

Hi Xia,

Thinking of you today. (((Hugs)))

Smarie78

Just want to say I feel for you. This would be a nightmare scenario for me. I have had a very difficult time leaving this relationship and couldn't imagine shutting off contact when someone you care for is hurting. I'm not saying I disagree with the suggestions above (probably healthiest for you), just saying I am sorry for what you are dealing with. It's very difficult.

aliciagr

What is it he has in mind for you to help him is my question.
Just go back into a relationship with him?
Or does he actually have some thoughts on seeking treatment for his addiction?

Im not against family helping a person seek treatment. Its like taking someone to the hospital as far as Im concerned. Just as you pointed out above, often people are illogical, irrational when in this state of mind. But there are all kinds of help and it requires a lot of thought and research in my opinion. Its basically picking a medical specialist. For the addict I think the important thing is having a willingness to accept help even if its with reservations or fear.

But Im in no way saying you as an ex should get involved with the mess he got going on. You would need to look at it from whats best for you. Getting involved again in any way would put you back in his drama wouldnt it?

Givenup2018

This is an awesome quote, should be on Pinterest!