Please- help me with what steps
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Please- help me with what steps
I posted about my son drinking again and that his gf was leaving. I am beyond scared and don't know where to turn. I know his reaction when she tells him. She gave me two dates to pick to come out to be with him when her parents come for her to move her home.
She is asking me when to tell him? I know he will completely breakdown. Shall we go there and be there when she tells him? He will be so angry and hurt at the same time. Her taking the pets will crush him. He will definitely not be able to go to work and I fear he will lose his job. He says he has stopped drinking.
Once she leaves, he can't be alone. Even if he seems okay once we fly away, then what? Even he is would agree to go to a hospital, I was under the understanding they can leave any time.
He doesn't drive - doesn't have a car. If he makes it through this, he will need to move from his apartment because he won't be able to afford that one.
She is asking me when to tell him? I know he will completely breakdown. Shall we go there and be there when she tells him? He will be so angry and hurt at the same time. Her taking the pets will crush him. He will definitely not be able to go to work and I fear he will lose his job. He says he has stopped drinking.
Once she leaves, he can't be alone. Even if he seems okay once we fly away, then what? Even he is would agree to go to a hospital, I was under the understanding they can leave any time.
He doesn't drive - doesn't have a car. If he makes it through this, he will need to move from his apartment because he won't be able to afford that one.
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Join Date: May 2014
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Hummingbird, your son is an adult. You know you don't actually have to do anything, right? I know you might want to, but you don't have to save your son from the consequences of this. You actually can't.
Dealing with the consequences of his own actions as an adult, by himself might be just what he needs.
Dealing with the consequences of his own actions as an adult, by himself might be just what he needs.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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hummingbird.....one practical tool that I would use is this--find out the phone number of the closest police department that serves his address....
You can call them to do well checks on him....because of concern of suicidal tendencies....(if you call...they are obligated to go)...
You can also give them a brief history..at the time of the call about his other attempts.
They will take him to hospital, most likely..if they judge him to be harmful to self or others...
Once in hospital...he will be assigned a social worker....you can talk to the social worker...to give a back history...they can't share with you unless he gives permission...but, you can give info to them. The hospital social worker will det him up with services that he can call on....
As I see it...actual suicide attempts are the biggest concern....but, you will have to let go of the worry about how he will survive....he will have to learn that for himself...and, he has much more ability that he has ever tapped into, or, that you believe that he has....
Yes, he might lose his apartment...etc. That is a consequence that he can learn from.
I guess what I am saying to you, is that for his and your own good...that this would be transferring his dependency on you....to community institutions/services.....
this would give you the space to regain your own sanity and some peace of mind...and, for him to learn to cope with life, on his own...which he so badly needs to do....
I know of lots of people who have learned to live this way....many of them are adults with alcohol/mental health dual diagnosis people...but, they do learn, with the help of institutional/community services....to fashion a life for themselves....that is, after all, what these services are for....
This won't be easy--but, might be a goal for you to set for yourself....and for his long-term benefit.....
I am writing this to give you some food for thought....
You can call them to do well checks on him....because of concern of suicidal tendencies....(if you call...they are obligated to go)...
You can also give them a brief history..at the time of the call about his other attempts.
They will take him to hospital, most likely..if they judge him to be harmful to self or others...
Once in hospital...he will be assigned a social worker....you can talk to the social worker...to give a back history...they can't share with you unless he gives permission...but, you can give info to them. The hospital social worker will det him up with services that he can call on....
As I see it...actual suicide attempts are the biggest concern....but, you will have to let go of the worry about how he will survive....he will have to learn that for himself...and, he has much more ability that he has ever tapped into, or, that you believe that he has....
Yes, he might lose his apartment...etc. That is a consequence that he can learn from.
I guess what I am saying to you, is that for his and your own good...that this would be transferring his dependency on you....to community institutions/services.....
this would give you the space to regain your own sanity and some peace of mind...and, for him to learn to cope with life, on his own...which he so badly needs to do....
I know of lots of people who have learned to live this way....many of them are adults with alcohol/mental health dual diagnosis people...but, they do learn, with the help of institutional/community services....to fashion a life for themselves....that is, after all, what these services are for....
This won't be easy--but, might be a goal for you to set for yourself....and for his long-term benefit.....
I am writing this to give you some food for thought....
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So I am just supposed to let him out there... she leaves and he is all alone... with 2 cats.... in an apartment that my name is on the lease for 3 more months (had to co-sign in the beginning before the gf moved out and was not able to be removed from the lease until resigning)
Been through his breakups before and they are not good. Cutting and suicide threats, this will not end well. I pray God takes him home somehow before this occurs.
Been through his breakups before and they are not good. Cutting and suicide threats, this will not end well. I pray God takes him home somehow before this occurs.
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Hummingbird, I am a mother , I know how terrifying it can be, especially when there is a history of troubling behavior. I know it is our first instinct to protect our children, even when they are grown adults, we can't just turn that off.
My exhusband, my brother, and my current husband's eldest son... have all threatened and/or attempted suicide and committed other acts of self harm. It is devastating and frightening beyond words. However, all three of these men are still alive. All of them have differing types of mental health and substance abuse issues.
My mother has pretty much destroyed her own life by constantly trying to fix my brother's problems. He still isn't healthy or happy, and neither is she. She refuses to understand or accept that every time she rescues him from facing his consequences that she is helping him to stay sick. She refuses to see that a lot of his behavior is extremely manipulative. Nothing she can say or do will ever fix him. Only he has that power... but she never allows him the dignity of being an adult capable of figuring out his own "stuff". He is her 44 year old baby and it's a very sick way of life, for both of them.
I know you have so much fear and concern in your heart for your son, but I think the best thing you can do for him (and for yourself) is allow him the dignity to figure out his life on his own terms.
Nothing he does, or doesn't do will ever be your fault.
Do you utilize any resources such as a counselor for yourself?
My exhusband, my brother, and my current husband's eldest son... have all threatened and/or attempted suicide and committed other acts of self harm. It is devastating and frightening beyond words. However, all three of these men are still alive. All of them have differing types of mental health and substance abuse issues.
My mother has pretty much destroyed her own life by constantly trying to fix my brother's problems. He still isn't healthy or happy, and neither is she. She refuses to understand or accept that every time she rescues him from facing his consequences that she is helping him to stay sick. She refuses to see that a lot of his behavior is extremely manipulative. Nothing she can say or do will ever fix him. Only he has that power... but she never allows him the dignity of being an adult capable of figuring out his own "stuff". He is her 44 year old baby and it's a very sick way of life, for both of them.
I know you have so much fear and concern in your heart for your son, but I think the best thing you can do for him (and for yourself) is allow him the dignity to figure out his life on his own terms.
Nothing he does, or doesn't do will ever be your fault.
Do you utilize any resources such as a counselor for yourself?
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hummingbird.....I am not telling you exactly what to do....I was just giving you the general outline of a goal to work toward. You make your own decisions, of course...(I thought she was taking the 2 cats with her..but, I must have misunderstood). If you were to go out...I definitely think you should take the cats home with you. If he can't take care of himself,,,how can he ensure the care of the cats? The cats can't care for themselves and would, doubtless, end up in a shelter....
I can't advise you on the legal aspects of the apartment...If you have to pay for three more months...I suppose you have to...
Perhaps, with the help of a social worker that specializes in mental health, a group living situation can be arranged for him. That might be a better environment for him....with the company of peers....
I am only trying to give you suggestions of options that other people have used......in similar situations...
I think the essential thing, here is to break the cycle of dependency that has developed between him and you....otherwise, you will probably end up with him and the same cycle going on for another few decades....
The longer it goes on, the harder it is to break....
I am not trying to strong arm you...only give compassion and suggestions...keeping in mind I don't know every detail of your life....
this is so hard for the parent...don't try to walk this alone...you need support from p ro fessionals who know the field of alcoholism/mental health.....
I can't advise you on the legal aspects of the apartment...If you have to pay for three more months...I suppose you have to...
Perhaps, with the help of a social worker that specializes in mental health, a group living situation can be arranged for him. That might be a better environment for him....with the company of peers....
I am only trying to give you suggestions of options that other people have used......in similar situations...
I think the essential thing, here is to break the cycle of dependency that has developed between him and you....otherwise, you will probably end up with him and the same cycle going on for another few decades....
The longer it goes on, the harder it is to break....
I am not trying to strong arm you...only give compassion and suggestions...keeping in mind I don't know every detail of your life....
this is so hard for the parent...don't try to walk this alone...you need support from p ro fessionals who know the field of alcoholism/mental health.....
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My mother has pretty much destroyed her own life by constantly trying to fix my brother's problems. He still isn't healthy or happy, and neither is she. She refuses to understand or accept that every time she rescues him from facing his consequences that she is helping him to stay sick. She refuses to see that a lot of his behavior is extremely manipulative. Nothing she can say or do will ever fix him. Only he has that power... but she never allows him the dignity of being an adult capable of figuring out his own "stuff". He is her 44 year old baby and it's a very sick way of life, for both of them.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Please- help me with what steps
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
The first 3 steps in the al-anon program are about Giving up perceived control we believe we have over another person’s drinking and behaviors.
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The fact of the matter remains that you are 1700 miles away from him, which was his choice to begin with.
It's been a while since I've been single, but whenever somebody broke up with me, the last people I wanted to talk to were my parents. If they hovered over me moments after the breakup (and one time someone called off a marriage the day after our invites went out), it would have been humiliating for me. My 40something sister financially depends on my parents, and I cannot tell you the years of resentment, HER resentment, caused because she knows my parents don't believe that she'll ever get financially independent, even as she blows cash on plastic surgery and pot and prosperity gospel seminars even though she doesn't earn enough money for her daughters to live with her. Guess who takes care of them - my parents.
Of course, I'm not your son. And you know him better than I do, but I do think you should open yourself to the possibility that the best person to help him may not actually be you. It might be a friend his own age, but ideally it should be someone who is geographically closer, especially if your son finds out accidentally that his GF is intending to leave. Which is why dandylion suggested contacting the police and talking to the hospital social worker - your son would ideally have a local support system in place. It is impossible for you to expect that you can do it all. What would happen if something happened to you? It is also hard to admit that no matter what, the best long-term solution to his situation is practically guaranteed to be imperfect.
If your son had cancer and you were not a doctor, would you be the one delivering the chemo to him? Would you be developing a treatment plan? No, you would be entrusting that role to someone who has had vast experience with not just your son, but other addicts as well.
And if your son decided not to take chemo, you can't strap him to a chair and shove an IV up his arm. You'd have to make peace with the choices he's made, even if they are choices that you would not make for yourself. When my mom elected to go to hospice, I cannot tell you how many relatives tried to talk her out of it. But they weren't living inside her body, and they couldn't tell what was going inside her mind.
When she decided to resume treatment again, it was her choice, and this time she embraced it. And despite the odds, she's still here.
I wish the same for your son.
It's been a while since I've been single, but whenever somebody broke up with me, the last people I wanted to talk to were my parents. If they hovered over me moments after the breakup (and one time someone called off a marriage the day after our invites went out), it would have been humiliating for me. My 40something sister financially depends on my parents, and I cannot tell you the years of resentment, HER resentment, caused because she knows my parents don't believe that she'll ever get financially independent, even as she blows cash on plastic surgery and pot and prosperity gospel seminars even though she doesn't earn enough money for her daughters to live with her. Guess who takes care of them - my parents.
Of course, I'm not your son. And you know him better than I do, but I do think you should open yourself to the possibility that the best person to help him may not actually be you. It might be a friend his own age, but ideally it should be someone who is geographically closer, especially if your son finds out accidentally that his GF is intending to leave. Which is why dandylion suggested contacting the police and talking to the hospital social worker - your son would ideally have a local support system in place. It is impossible for you to expect that you can do it all. What would happen if something happened to you? It is also hard to admit that no matter what, the best long-term solution to his situation is practically guaranteed to be imperfect.
If your son had cancer and you were not a doctor, would you be the one delivering the chemo to him? Would you be developing a treatment plan? No, you would be entrusting that role to someone who has had vast experience with not just your son, but other addicts as well.
And if your son decided not to take chemo, you can't strap him to a chair and shove an IV up his arm. You'd have to make peace with the choices he's made, even if they are choices that you would not make for yourself. When my mom elected to go to hospice, I cannot tell you how many relatives tried to talk her out of it. But they weren't living inside her body, and they couldn't tell what was going inside her mind.
When she decided to resume treatment again, it was her choice, and this time she embraced it. And despite the odds, she's still here.
I wish the same for your son.
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They have a dog and 3 cats. So she is taking the dog and the oldest cat. This alone will tear him to pieces.
I have made calls and have numbers in place for when we go incase he does commit to getting help. As much as it hurts, I guess if he tells us to leave, that is when I will tell him that we are done. Everything is now his.
I did see a doctor today and scheduled counseling.
I have made calls and have numbers in place for when we go incase he does commit to getting help. As much as it hurts, I guess if he tells us to leave, that is when I will tell him that we are done. Everything is now his.
I did see a doctor today and scheduled counseling.
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HB,
I am so sorry for what you are going through. Have you ever thought about letting him work this out himself. He is an adult in an adult relationship. Why don't you wait to see if he calls you and "needs" you. You are assuming that he can't handle this. Maybe he can and maybe he can't. But he has gotten accustomed to mommy always rescuing him so he acts like king baby. (as they say in the big book)
Maybe if he hits his "rock bottom" this could be the chance that he seeks support, on his own. Finds the facility or maybe walks in to an AA meeting alone. He knows where to find support as it sounds like this is not his first rodeo. Give him the respect and dignity to handle this on his own. If he plans on suicide, you being there or not is really not going to stop anything.
Take some deep breaths, hit some alanon meetings and your therapist. Keep posting and step back. You do not have to always be there to cushion the blow. hugs my friend and PRAY!!
I am so sorry for what you are going through. Have you ever thought about letting him work this out himself. He is an adult in an adult relationship. Why don't you wait to see if he calls you and "needs" you. You are assuming that he can't handle this. Maybe he can and maybe he can't. But he has gotten accustomed to mommy always rescuing him so he acts like king baby. (as they say in the big book)
Maybe if he hits his "rock bottom" this could be the chance that he seeks support, on his own. Finds the facility or maybe walks in to an AA meeting alone. He knows where to find support as it sounds like this is not his first rodeo. Give him the respect and dignity to handle this on his own. If he plans on suicide, you being there or not is really not going to stop anything.
Take some deep breaths, hit some alanon meetings and your therapist. Keep posting and step back. You do not have to always be there to cushion the blow. hugs my friend and PRAY!!
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The girlfriend is the one who told me she felt we should be there because he won't be well.
When she leaves with 2 of the 4 pets, that will crush him.
She fears he will be suicidal and felt we needed to be there.
When she leaves with 2 of the 4 pets, that will crush him.
She fears he will be suicidal and felt we needed to be there.
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none of his "support system" appear to have ANY faith that he might NOT completely fail. everyone assumes things will go bad, he will be crushed, unable to cope. everyone is planning MONTHS in advance for an event and how THEY all perceive he will handle things. no one is treating him like an adult............
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Originally Posted by hummingbird1094 
The girlfriend is the one who told me she felt we should be there because he won't be well.
When she leaves with 2 of the 4 pets, that will crush him.
She fears he will be suicidal and felt we needed to be there.
When she leaves with 2 of the 4 pets, that will crush him.
She fears he will be suicidal and felt we needed to be there.
Neither the girlfriend nor you are experts on mental health. I'm not either. There are folks who deal with this all the time.
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Originally Posted by hummingbird1094
The girlfriend is the one who told me she felt we should be there because he won't be well.
When she leaves with 2 of the 4 pets, that will crush him.
When she leaves with 2 of the 4 pets, that will crush him.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
none of his "support system" appear to have ANY faith that he might NOT completely fail. everyone assumes things will go bad, he will be crushed, unable to cope.
I get the feeling GF is something of a drama llama with her own inability to make decisions and her "He can't possibly survive without meeeee !" attitude.
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I get the feeling GF is something of a drama llama with her own inability to make decisions and her "He can't possibly survive without meeeee !" attitude.
If I knew everyone thought this little of me, it would make me feel worse, not better. When my parents let me do things, even badly, I grew to believe they had confidence in me.
I was once in $3000 in credit card debt and overdrawing from my checking account every single month. My credit rating was atrocious. I did not say one word to my parents about it and picked up side jobs to pay it off. I went through my "One Million Ways to Serve Tuna Fish" phase. Years later, my mom was horrified to find out that I was in such financial straits and asked me why I didn't just tell her so she could pay it off. But I got myself into the hole, and I needed to get out of it myself. I needed to do that for me.
My sister will sometimes complain about how my parents treat her like a teenager even though she acts like one. My dad has pretty much given up on her and says that perhaps she is mentally ill and she will always be incapable of taking care of herself. It gets me angry that he doesn't believe that she can't get her own ass in gear, especially because my sister uses this as proof to others that my parents think she's a screwup. So the cycle continues.
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Back in March of 2016 after his dui, she broke up with him over the phone while he was west and she was east. I received text message after text message with instructions on where the key was, where his passwords were written, what to do with his belongings. I was told that he wanted to no funeral service to just let him die. He had no reason to live if she wasn't in his life. This was almost 2 years ago. I called 911 from the east and they went to check on him. He had been drunk and they took him to the hospital to sober up. Called me and told me that they were letting him go because he didn't have a weapon... We flew out and got him a counselor to see. He agreed to see him and we agreed to help if he did. He was a total mess. Not even enough money to drive home at that point because he was having a hard time finding a job. Ended up working 2 jobs for a while. Stood on the street asking for money. One would have thought this would have shook him enough to get serious help. Unfortunately, he stopped seeing the counselor when the gf moved out with him and he began his dui classes.
So, when she leaves this time and takes 2 of the pets, I know what will happen.
Yes, he is an adult.
It is really hard for me to let him out there with no one. I am struggling. Thinking of all of the scenarios of what will take place. Praying for peace.
I will have to just walk away if he refuses help. She is leaving because she is looking long term. Wants a family and a wedding both he doesn't want. She told me it isn't just the booze.
I know it was his choice to move there. His addiction took him there. His addiction caused him to sell the car so he wouldn't be responsible. For years he has struggled and refused help.
Even through struggling he managed to get a decent job and be employee of the quarter. Yes, I am proud of that.
This is why it is so hard to walk away.
So, when she leaves this time and takes 2 of the pets, I know what will happen.
Yes, he is an adult.
It is really hard for me to let him out there with no one. I am struggling. Thinking of all of the scenarios of what will take place. Praying for peace.
I will have to just walk away if he refuses help. She is leaving because she is looking long term. Wants a family and a wedding both he doesn't want. She told me it isn't just the booze.
I know it was his choice to move there. His addiction took him there. His addiction caused him to sell the car so he wouldn't be responsible. For years he has struggled and refused help.
Even through struggling he managed to get a decent job and be employee of the quarter. Yes, I am proud of that.
This is why it is so hard to walk away.
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