Frustrated
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 13
Frustrated
I've never reached out like this before. I'm just so frustrated and hurt right now and would like some advice.
I met my partner 9 years ago. She had an alcohol problem then but was in denial, she was for many years. Not now though. She finally got help after the third pancreatitis attack landed her in hospital. I was so full of hope. She was sober for a few weeks then fell off the wagon, back in hospital pancreatitis again! This cycle went on for a while.
She finally decided to commit 100%. She was sober for 17 weeks. I finally felt like we had a real marriage I was so happy, felt like I was no longer in limbo. I wasn't just her carer and cleaner.
Now we are both under great stress with her dad being in hospital, very unwell. She is drinking again. The rest of her family blame me for her drinking. They have all seemed to have forgotten that both my grandparents are in hospital too. I'm so stressed! Every time I try and say anything about her drinking she screams at me, sometimes she even screams for no reason. I feel like she doesn't even care! They all expect me to deal with it and not have emotions myself. I'm not allowed to feel anything.
Sorry for ranting. I'm just so frustrated she can't see how much I love her or how much all this is hurting me.
I met my partner 9 years ago. She had an alcohol problem then but was in denial, she was for many years. Not now though. She finally got help after the third pancreatitis attack landed her in hospital. I was so full of hope. She was sober for a few weeks then fell off the wagon, back in hospital pancreatitis again! This cycle went on for a while.
She finally decided to commit 100%. She was sober for 17 weeks. I finally felt like we had a real marriage I was so happy, felt like I was no longer in limbo. I wasn't just her carer and cleaner.
Now we are both under great stress with her dad being in hospital, very unwell. She is drinking again. The rest of her family blame me for her drinking. They have all seemed to have forgotten that both my grandparents are in hospital too. I'm so stressed! Every time I try and say anything about her drinking she screams at me, sometimes she even screams for no reason. I feel like she doesn't even care! They all expect me to deal with it and not have emotions myself. I'm not allowed to feel anything.
Sorry for ranting. I'm just so frustrated she can't see how much I love her or how much all this is hurting me.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hey Olli91,
The details always vary but the infrastructure is familiar to all of us here on SR.
And again, the details are different in how we choose to make our lives better, but the basic road map is the same since our destination is usually: sanity, peace, health, joy in life.
You're under a lot of stress right now. Sick family members and an active alcoholic spouse is a lot to face every day. Have you tried AlAnon? That's what really turned my head around and got me on the path to a more peaceful, sane life, in spite of the continued drinking and self-destruction in my family.
http://al-anon.org
Glad you're here - lots of ESH (experience, strength, and hope) on this forum. You're not alone.
Peace,
B.
The details always vary but the infrastructure is familiar to all of us here on SR.
And again, the details are different in how we choose to make our lives better, but the basic road map is the same since our destination is usually: sanity, peace, health, joy in life.
You're under a lot of stress right now. Sick family members and an active alcoholic spouse is a lot to face every day. Have you tried AlAnon? That's what really turned my head around and got me on the path to a more peaceful, sane life, in spite of the continued drinking and self-destruction in my family.
http://al-anon.org
Glad you're here - lots of ESH (experience, strength, and hope) on this forum. You're not alone.
Peace,
B.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,629
Hi Olli,
Is there any possibility that you can take some time away? Can you go stay with family or friends for a week or two and get some space for yourself?
Sounds like you are caught up in a tornado of accusations and frustrations being thrown your way and it must be hard to keep a clear and calm head under the circumstances.
Anyway, just a thought. You can't help her with her alcoholism, so you need to help yourself. As for "them" - it's not really their business.
Have you looked in to Al-Anon meetings at all?
Is there any possibility that you can take some time away? Can you go stay with family or friends for a week or two and get some space for yourself?
Sounds like you are caught up in a tornado of accusations and frustrations being thrown your way and it must be hard to keep a clear and calm head under the circumstances.
Anyway, just a thought. You can't help her with her alcoholism, so you need to help yourself. As for "them" - it's not really their business.
Have you looked in to Al-Anon meetings at all?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,999
Welcome Ollie. I am so very glad that you found us as you sound like one of us.
This must be beyond painful for you to watch this beautiful woman self-destruct. Unfortunately there is not much you can do for her; fortunately there is lots you can do for yourself.
I second Bernadette's suggestion of Alanon although it doesn't work for everyone. If you are a reader you might try Codependent No More. This book is a bit of a bible around here.
Also take a good wander around through the stickies at the top of this forum. They contain a mish mash of some of the best of what has been written here along with links to good resources.
Peace and courage to you. Keep posting and we will do our best to support you.
This must be beyond painful for you to watch this beautiful woman self-destruct. Unfortunately there is not much you can do for her; fortunately there is lots you can do for yourself.
I second Bernadette's suggestion of Alanon although it doesn't work for everyone. If you are a reader you might try Codependent No More. This book is a bit of a bible around here.
Also take a good wander around through the stickies at the top of this forum. They contain a mish mash of some of the best of what has been written here along with links to good resources.
Peace and courage to you. Keep posting and we will do our best to support you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Ollie91- there is often a feeling of pressure or panic when dealing with As. I know I have often felt this sense of urgency like I need to DO something (when what I really want is the A to do something! Now! How can this insanity go on for one more minute??!!).
So taking a step back has always been good for me. Getting away and literally separating my self from the chaos has been beneficial to me and my perspective and peace of mind. In fact, I stay pretty clear of the As in my family at all times. Doesn't mean I have escaped completely from the sorrow and anxiety, or that I have this all figured out, but it was far far worse and more damaging to me when I had a front row seat.
So I vote yes to going away. And you don't owe anyone a reason beyond, "I really needed some time to myself!" Our lives are our own.
Peace,
B.
So taking a step back has always been good for me. Getting away and literally separating my self from the chaos has been beneficial to me and my perspective and peace of mind. In fact, I stay pretty clear of the As in my family at all times. Doesn't mean I have escaped completely from the sorrow and anxiety, or that I have this all figured out, but it was far far worse and more damaging to me when I had a front row seat.
So I vote yes to going away. And you don't owe anyone a reason beyond, "I really needed some time to myself!" Our lives are our own.
Peace,
B.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,999
Originally Posted by Ollie91 
Thanks so much for the replies.
I'm thinking of going away for a while. The thing stopping me is that I feel guilty for even thinking about it.
I'm thinking of going away for a while. The thing stopping me is that I feel guilty for even thinking about it.
Pull up a seat mister and make yourself comfortable. You so belong with us.
Big hug.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Ollie,
Welcome and glad you posted. Can you explain your situation a little more. Your spouse has been an alcoholic ever since you have known her. She gets sober then drinks again. She falls off the wagon and its the spouses fault?
I fail to see what is going on. You obviously have a long history of dealing with your addict. Times are tough and she drinks, sun comes up she drinks, moon comes out she drinks... wash rinse repeat.
Are you coming to terms of "hitting your rock bottom" with your addict. Is that why you are reaching out for support? As said above, there is lots of support for us codies. Education is power. Keep reading, posting, hitting some alanon or open aa meetings. Maybe set an appointment for an addiction therapist. Life will get better, but you have to be willing to put in the work. Hugs my friend, we do understand what hxll you are going through!!
Welcome and glad you posted. Can you explain your situation a little more. Your spouse has been an alcoholic ever since you have known her. She gets sober then drinks again. She falls off the wagon and its the spouses fault?
I fail to see what is going on. You obviously have a long history of dealing with your addict. Times are tough and she drinks, sun comes up she drinks, moon comes out she drinks... wash rinse repeat.
Are you coming to terms of "hitting your rock bottom" with your addict. Is that why you are reaching out for support? As said above, there is lots of support for us codies. Education is power. Keep reading, posting, hitting some alanon or open aa meetings. Maybe set an appointment for an addiction therapist. Life will get better, but you have to be willing to put in the work. Hugs my friend, we do understand what hxll you are going through!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 13
Thanks for being so welcoming everyone.
I haven't smiled in a long time, but I did just there when reading your reply Bekindalways. Knowing that I'm not the only one. I know that sounds daft ha!
I've been told about AA but was never sure. I don't really know much about it, plus I thought it was only to help the addict. My wife has been to a few meetings. Said there was a few homophobe s and didn't feel comfortable.
I've never asked for help with this before
I haven't smiled in a long time, but I did just there when reading your reply Bekindalways. Knowing that I'm not the only one. I know that sounds daft ha!
I've been told about AA but was never sure. I don't really know much about it, plus I thought it was only to help the addict. My wife has been to a few meetings. Said there was a few homophobe s and didn't feel comfortable.
I've never asked for help with this before
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,629
Hey Ollie,
Well i'm glad you decided to post.
AA is for the addict but Al-Anon is a group specifically for those affected by someone else with alcoholism.
http://al-anon.org/
Al-Anon is about you and what you need and giving you tools to make your life better, not about them and their issues.
Well i'm glad you decided to post.
AA is for the addict but Al-Anon is a group specifically for those affected by someone else with alcoholism.
http://al-anon.org/
Al-Anon is about you and what you need and giving you tools to make your life better, not about them and their issues.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 13
Sorry maia1234 didn't see your post.
We met when we were teenagers. We both had issues. We just clicked. Teens drink do stupid things, I didn't know how bad the drinking was at the time but it didn't take me long to notice but by that time I was hooked on her, I loved her so much that I would do anything for her and I still do that will never change. She begged me for help. That's all I've been trying to do ever since. On our wedding day I swore I would never give up on her.
But now her drinking with all the added stress of 3 very close family members in hospital isn't helping my mental health. My psychiatric nurse is now on the verge of trying to get me sectioned again. That's why I'm trying to find any advise out there. I'll try anything to help her get sober before she kills herself with booze
We met when we were teenagers. We both had issues. We just clicked. Teens drink do stupid things, I didn't know how bad the drinking was at the time but it didn't take me long to notice but by that time I was hooked on her, I loved her so much that I would do anything for her and I still do that will never change. She begged me for help. That's all I've been trying to do ever since. On our wedding day I swore I would never give up on her.
But now her drinking with all the added stress of 3 very close family members in hospital isn't helping my mental health. My psychiatric nurse is now on the verge of trying to get me sectioned again. That's why I'm trying to find any advise out there. I'll try anything to help her get sober before she kills herself with booze
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Welcome, I also think you are in the right place from what you have shared.
My experience was that I had to step away from it all so I could rest and recover a little. Taking a break allowed me some distance and I could breath for a while.
Al-anon was a life changer for me. I thoroughly recommend it. Meetings, get a sponsor and work the Steps. Its a program of actions that change your life beyond anything you could hope for.
Sending kind thoughts to you.
My experience was that I had to step away from it all so I could rest and recover a little. Taking a break allowed me some distance and I could breath for a while.
Al-anon was a life changer for me. I thoroughly recommend it. Meetings, get a sponsor and work the Steps. Its a program of actions that change your life beyond anything you could hope for.
Sending kind thoughts to you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Ollie,
Welcome to SR. My AW (alcoholic wife) has blamed me for the weather before, and traffic jams that I'm no where near. Alcoholics blame, alcoholics yell - it's called deflection, they want you to take the focus off of them so you feel bad about yourself and leave them to do what they do best - drink and be stupid.
Welcome to SR. My AW (alcoholic wife) has blamed me for the weather before, and traffic jams that I'm no where near. Alcoholics blame, alcoholics yell - it's called deflection, they want you to take the focus off of them so you feel bad about yourself and leave them to do what they do best - drink and be stupid.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
But now her drinking with all the added stress of 3 very close family members in hospital isn't helping my mental health. My psychiatric nurse is now on the verge of trying to get me sectioned again. That's why I'm trying to find any advise out there. I'll try anything to help her get sober before she kills herself with booze
As the welcome in al-anon says---------- Without such spiritual help, living with an alcoholic is too much for most of us. Our thinking becomes distorted by trying to force solutions, and we become irritable and unreasonable without knowing it.
And the newcomer welcome for al-anon
As a newcomer you may feel that you are here tonight for the alcoholic…
that your presence here may teach you how to stop his or her drinking.
The truth is you are here because of the alcoholic and not for the alcoholic.
You will soon learn you did not cause the alcoholic to drink,
you cannot control the drinking, nor can you cure the alcoholic.
You are here for yourself. You and you alone are responsible for
dealing with your own pain. This is your program, it is your recovery
from the effects of the disease of alcoholism.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,629
Originally Posted by Ollie91
I'll try anything to help her get sober before she kills herself with booze
I commend you for your compassion with your wife but you really do need to look out for your own welfare.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Ollie,
Just like everyone says, this is a one man job. We have all tried to help our addicts, its just not possible. Finally we accept defeat and try to help ourselves. I hope that you have been able to attend an alanon meeting. I don't think I could have survived if it wasn't for those amazing people.
Hugs!!
Just like everyone says, this is a one man job. We have all tried to help our addicts, its just not possible. Finally we accept defeat and try to help ourselves. I hope that you have been able to attend an alanon meeting. I don't think I could have survived if it wasn't for those amazing people.
Hugs!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 13
Thanks everyone for the replies.
I haven't yet been to a meeting, but I have gone through to my sister's it's just for tonight. I'm relaxed for the first time in a while. It's good.
I just want to thank everyone here. I was going down a really dark path, just about to fall off that rope, this time maybe for good. You guys, just by replying letting me know I'm not alone made me think before I done anything permanent. Thank you.
I haven't yet been to a meeting, but I have gone through to my sister's it's just for tonight. I'm relaxed for the first time in a while. It's good.
I just want to thank everyone here. I was going down a really dark path, just about to fall off that rope, this time maybe for good. You guys, just by replying letting me know I'm not alone made me think before I done anything permanent. Thank you.
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