London393

After a year and half on and off with him because of his drinking, five detoxes, two month-long rehabs, and now with about 45 days sober for him he's now living in a Sober House. Which is great! But he's also pushed me away, our relationship is over, and I feel like he somewhat blames me for things, seems angry and aggressive when I have spoken to him. Had told me to move on, go find someone else. Just this past Christmas we spent a couple of days together after he got out of detox and was waiting to go into rehab (for the second time) and things were great. He even talked about marriage, me still knowing how sick he is and how much work he first has to do on himself. But this 180 flip in attitude and the pushing me away has me lost, shattered. Even if it was best to end it, I still only wanted to be here as a friend. Did he have to end it in such a harsh way? I understand he needs to do what he needs to do, but now I'm having trouble coming to terms with this. I'm shattered.

saoutchik

Well if you stuck by him for 5 detoxes and two month long rehabs and he now decrees that the relationship is over I would say that he doesn't deserve you and you have had a narrow escape. At AA and similar they teach the importance of gratitude and whilst that alone would not be enough to sustain a relationship he obviously feels none.

I know you feel shattered now but I suspect that in time you will be glad this happened before any marriage. One final thing, 45 days is great for him but no guarantee he will not relapse again.

Hold your head up high London, his loss.

London393

Undeserving or not, aren't we still supposed to love? Be compassionate souls? When he wasn't drinking and was "on" it was the best ever and that's the reason I'd keep hanging on. After I found out his drinking was as bad as it was I still felt he had the capability, the strength, the tenacity to overcome. I saw these traits in other aspects of his life and always felt the same would ultimately carry him thru. The times he did relapse and went thru his episodes he'd tell me again over and over to go away as well. This isn't the first time I'm hearing it. I'd leave him alone and eventually he'd come back and reach out again. I tried to stay away and for a long time would not accept any of his calls ... but then I thought, perhaps he needs the closure, he needs me to hear him out for the sake of making himself a bit better, to offer an apology for whatever that meant at the moment. I also wanted both of us to find a "peace" with this. Not necessarily jumping back into the relationship we had way back again, but I do love and care for him and god forbid anything happened to either of us I didn't want to leave things off in this terrible place with bitter angry hateful feelings.

He wanted me to spend Thanksgiving with him and his family and I didn't because I didn't think it was a good idea at the time. We had only started recently communicating again and I didn't want to lead him on, make him think this was something it wasn't. At least not yet until we both figured things out. But it was then just before Christmas he relapsed this last time and the family he was living with told him he MUST leave and go get help. That's when he went into detox this last time and it was the couple of days in between that and while he was waiting for a bed to open up at the rehab that he was out for Christmas. His family wouldn't allow him back. His grandmother who took pity on him put him up in a hotel room while he was out since the alternative would be him sleeping in his truck. Regardless of our past I couldn't leave him alone upset and depressed on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day to stay in a hotel and that's when I decided to see him and picked him up and took him to spend Christmas with me and my family. It was such a nice day. We were both so happy.

So he went into rehab, got out and went into sober living and that's when everything flipped. And this is what I don't understand.

Apparently someone can only love or care for me if they're drunk. And this is what I'm having the difficulty with.

Ladysadie

I think it's healthy to detach. Your BF sounds like he's got a lot on his plate. Maybe focusing on his sobriety is all he can handle right now. Give it time, get going on your life, build yourself a future. If he re-enters your life, imagine the man he is trying to be for himself then being healthy enough to compliment the wonderful person you sound like you are.

Oftentimes those of us who are on the edge cannot take one more thing no matter how good it would be, there are expectations in relationships and maybe he cannot reciprocate or offer you the balance you seek. Love him anyway but understand the process, the disease. Al-anon could be a real help to you.

least

What do you want from this relationship? Sounds like he's not too stable right now. I'd move on and let him focus on his recovery.

London393

Yes healthy, just not easy. I've been in tears for days now, haven't even been able to get myself up and out the door to go to work. My circle is small. The ones I've let in have meant the most to me and to let him in and for this to happen ... I'm crushed.

I won't contact him, won't reach out, I know I shouldn't because more importantly than anything else is him trying to get better. But I'm hurt. And I know time will heal. But I need to learn and educate myself on how to do. I've never been thru anything like this before. I just don't know what to do.

Ladysadie

London, I feel for you both. Your BF has to stay the course for his own sake. Stay strong and reach out (you say you have a small circle): Get busy with some self care, go to the gym. Start a class through your community education in anything you have always had an interest in --for instance, take yoga or an art class, get distracted but work on developing you. Have fun trying new things that will help you get through the day joyfully. Another thought would be to take a cooking class. Most classes through community ed have a nominal fee. I've taken several jewelry making classes that were fun and I met some nice people that way. Build into your life something to look forward to. That is part of self care.

London393

All those things to do, taking classes, yoga, the gym, having "fun" trying new things ... all I keep thinking about is I should be doing these things, sharing these things with him. And then I don't want to do them because I'm depressed, I'm sad, I'd be that "one person" in the middle of class bursting out into a meltdown in the middle of it all. I'm not ready to go have "fun". I want to "understand". I don't know ... will Al-Anon help for that? I have to do something.

After not responding and avoiding me since he's been in, he finally answered his phone and we were able to actually talk on the phone a few days ago. He was irritated and agitated, his tone was hostile. I told him I just wanted to apologize for not answering my phone the couple of times he tried calling me from rehab, and possibly making him feel like I wasn't there for him. This was after he made comment about not being able to get ahold of me until after he got out. With that comment alone, sounds like he still wanted me, wanted me to be there, and because I didn't answer is he and has he now just been punishing me by not responding to me? I apologized, told him I was conflicted, told him I didn't know if talking to me at that time was the best thing for him at the moment. And I was afraid, I didn't want to accidentally say something that might trigger him, upset him, possibly have taken the wrong way with him going thru what he was going thru. I just thought I'd then hear from him when he was out. But that's when he didn't let me know (again, punishing me?).

I apologized for what I felt I could have possibly done to hurt him, just told him I didn't want to leave things in a bad way with him and that I understood he needs to do what he needs to do. He just kept repeating that I need to respect what he's doing, I need to give him the time. I told him I do respect it and again the only reason for the call was to not end things on bad hurtful angry terms. He really didn't want to hear it, and then I let him go. I told him "I love you" just as he hung up on me.

I then sent him a text thanking him for talking to me and apologizing for keeping him. Reiterated I understood what he needs to do and how no one wanted this more than me for him because I wanted a relationship with him. I told him the heart wants what the heart wants and I can't help that and that I didn't want or expect anything from him. I just didn't want to go away with him angry or hating me. I just wanted to hear that he did care for me and did love me, but his tone and this hostility toward me it feels like he thinks I'm the worst person in the world and that all of it was for nothing. I told him it wasn't nothing to me, it became everything to me and I wanted it and that's why I tried to be there, because I had faith in him that he would pull through and knew that he is strong enough to overcome. I apologized and said I was sorry for making him unhappy and not being what he wanted. I told just please please not to hate me, I can't stand the thought of that. I told him again I loved him and that was it.

No immediate response to that but I later received a text from him saying "I never said nor do I hate you or am angry with you. I need time to fix myself. I hope you as well as everyone else understand that and I cannot be the man or boyfriend you need or deserve right now". Responded to him that I do and I just want to be here for you because I love and care for you. Just know I'm here if he ever needed anything. Told him I loved him and then he wrote back "thank you, I love you too".

Do I feel a little better knowing he's not angry with me? Yes. Does it still hurt? Absolutely.

Ladysadie

Sounds like he's trying to work his program, which is excellent! Sounds like you want him to know (1) that you love him (2) that you want to work with what you have together, (3) that you feel emotional for what you hope is a future together.

Yes the Al-anon would help. Another resource if you need support is check out your public library or county mental health as a place where you can go to check out tapes. When I broke up with a man back in the 90's that was completely abusive, controlling, and mean to my children (he was a retired cop) I found Melanie Beattie to be the best resource who "spoke to me". I painted my house listening to her tapes *(over and over again) and finally hearing what she meant. She is one of the codependent gurus. Try her books or tapes if you need additional support.

Being codependent isn't always a toxic thing like it was for me, but she explains healthy boundaries - probably a lot of what your boyfriend is getting on a daily basis. Stay up with him in doing your own "work", part of that self care piece.... it will be a gift to yourself you can wrap your head around and get a sense of what your BF is going through as part of his treatment plan. I'm just sharing what worked for me, what helped me overcome the pangs of missing the man I was with even though (for me) he was not good for me. Give it a try, it's well worth it. Also this website has a lot of resources beyond Melanie Beattie's.

Anna

I'm glad that you feel better after he contacted you. It sounds like he explained his position and that you've accepted that. I agree that working on yourself and your life/activities is the best thing to do, even though you don't really feel like it right now. I also suggest AlAnon in your area as a support for you and to help you deal with your feelings.

London393

And I just received another text from him just now. Having tears of joy, tears of sadness, tears of relief:

HIM: Just got done with my meeting and I just want to be clear ... I don't hate you. I do care about you and love you. The more days I'm here, the more people I hear speak, and now I'm starting my step work with my sponsor, I find it hard to express myself. I write alot and that's why I'm texting you. I don't want to upset you it's just hard for me to explain my emotions because it's hard for my brain more and more to put my thoughts into words. It's hard to explain. The more I hear people speak and share the more I find things in myself that I have in common, things I pushed down and locked up in me. So I'm trying and I feel bad if I didn't express myself the right away. Please give me time. I feel a little comfort because a guy I know who shared today nailed how I've been feeling in my head and with my thoughts and how hard it is being new to this and trying to respond to your loved ones, etc. With my brain going in a million directions like a finale at a fireworks show it's hard for me but I hope this gives you some idea of my situation. I know with time I can articulate and speak with a clear head. It's just all overwhelming right now and everyone with time here says that's normal. Cause I have have been feeling bad about not really talking to my loved ones. I was told to just give it time and start healing myself and even though I think you or my family won't understand I was told you all do and to stop beating myself up. I hope you and my family understand this. I love you.

ME: Thank you for giving me this. I knew you were just sick and it was uncontrollable on your own. But I saw and do see the good and potential in you and I KNOW you, that WE were and could be great and that's why I held on. I've always said from day one that I thought you and I could rule the world. I just felt like you were blaming me, hating me because you've seemed very irritated and agitated with me lately. But I do understand. I can't imagine the overwhelm you must feel going thru this and I'm not going to claim to know. I can only imagine it is normal. I just miss you so much and it hurt me that you were going to be gone again for so long.

HIM: I can't say where the future will take me. I will ALWAYS be your friend. I miss you and my family as well.

ME: I love you and I want more than friends but I expect nothing. You just do what you need to do.

HIM: I can't do that right now nor can I promise that in the future. That wouldn't be fair to you.

ME: Not expecting anything not asking for promises. I will do what my heart tells me to do and for now it's you.

HIM: I understand. I just ask you to understand where I'm at.

I told him I do understand and we both then signed off with I LOVE YOUs. I know I can't ask or expect anything of him but there are such strong feelings there and that's what makes me the saddest and that's what makes it hurt the most ... if it weren't for this sickness, things could be so great.

Thank you Ladysadie, I will definitely look into Melody Beattie. Will be attending my first Al-Anon meeting tomorrow.

London393

I don’t know if I’ve “accepted it”. I really had no choice in the matter. All I know is that I worked at it, and was there, and tolerated things, and tried to be understanding and loving and caring all for the sake of having this relationship and love I know could be great. But now I have nothing. Absolutely nothing. All that was put into it and then like in a blink of an eye all gone. No boyfriend, no relationship, no caring, no love. Nothing.

Ladybird579

But now I have nothing. Absolutely nothing. All that was put into it and then like in a blink of an eye all gone. No boyfriend, no relationship, no caring, no love. Nothing

Maybe this is your sign you need to put more into loving yourself and working on your own issues surrounding this relationship and how you have reacted too it? Putting all our affection and hope into others is not healthy and puts too much pressure on them. We can only be responsible for our own happiness. Noone can make us whole, only ourselves and that is a difficult lesson to learn. It took me ages.

Your ex is trying to work a programme of sobriety and recovery. That is hard to do and you said on another thread you are drinking yourself so maybe he feels you are not healthy for each other at this moment in time cos you aren't. He needs to focus on himself to recover. Your focus would be best on yourself and work on the issues that got you to the place that makes you feel as you do. You need to recover to if you can accept you need help.

soberista

He sounds like he is in the best place to help him to heal. So go back to the beginning:

"To kill the pain. Aside from two days when I had to work and go into the office I’m home starting to drink from the afternoon thru late in the night for the last five nights straight."

I would suggest that you both have issues that need resolving separately. It is detrimental to his recovery to be around someone who is using alcohol to "kill their pain" whatever and wherever that pain comes from. Focus on getting sober, your recovery. Am AA meeting would be a great start so you can start to unpick all this. All the best

London393

Your ex is trying to work a programme of sobriety and recovery. That is hard to do and you said on another thread you are drinking yourself so maybe he feels you are not healthy for each other at this moment in time cos you aren't.

I would suggest that you both have issues that need resolving separately. It is detrimental to his recovery to be around someone who is using alcohol to "kill their pain" whatever and wherever that pain comes from.

To Ladybird and Soberista (sorry I don't know how to use the quote feature!) I only started drinking like this this week, over the last few days. Never before like this, never with him. I haven't even seen him since Christmas, this is just me now what I've been doing.

Dee74

I'm sorry you're in so much pain Lon don - but please believe us... drinking is not the answer. Thats something you do not want to come to rely on as a problem solver.

I really recommend Melody Beatties book Codependent No More.

I didn't think think I was co dependent at all, but that book really opened my eyes. Who knows, it might be useful to you too?

D

London393

Have already downloaded FOUR of her books last night and started Co-Dependent No More! =)