How long until he falls off again?
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Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 1
How long until he falls off again?
A pint of whiskey and a six pack. That's a normal night when he doesn't have to get up early the next day. When he does, its generally a six pack but sometimes nothing. He does take an occasional break. Drinking five nights a week on average.
I think I got him to actually admit his problem after Monday. He came home after a "work meeting" plastered. He had to go vomit while telling our daughter goodnight. We have a 3 yr old and a newborn, and this is the second time in less than two weeks he's gone out to drink. Normally he's anti social and drinks in his basement. The other recent outing was with coworkers. After being out for 6 hrs (4-9pm), I texted to find out when he'd be home. He responded by reminding me of his undying love for me and that he would be on his way right then. And then proceeded to ignore my texts and calls and showed up at 4am. He never apologies for any of it. Or if I force one, it's "sorry?".
I keep waiting for him to step up and help me more. But every weekend or any day he doesn't have to work, I'm never offered a sleep in to help with my deprivation (newborn doesn't sleep much at night), I have to get up with both kids, I do EVERYTHING in the house. He sleeps until 11, 12, 1pm.
Anyway, he's one the wagon again after his behavior on Monday and even bought me an early Valentine's gift...trying to buy back my love. I can't find the courage to tell him what I'm thinking, which is if/when he falls off again, either he's moving out or I'm taking our girls to my home state. I don't want to do that, he's a great daddy when he wants to be. But I can't have them grow up around that. He knows that; he grew up around it and swears he'll live a different life. Yet doesn't. He blames work (he's AD Marine), he blames depression, he blames me. Anything but himself. I think he needs a call to Jesus to wake him up before something serious happens. I'm realizing my part in this as the codependent/provoker and learning as much as I can. Seems he will only do what he can get away with, which right now is quit a lot.
Advice?
I think I got him to actually admit his problem after Monday. He came home after a "work meeting" plastered. He had to go vomit while telling our daughter goodnight. We have a 3 yr old and a newborn, and this is the second time in less than two weeks he's gone out to drink. Normally he's anti social and drinks in his basement. The other recent outing was with coworkers. After being out for 6 hrs (4-9pm), I texted to find out when he'd be home. He responded by reminding me of his undying love for me and that he would be on his way right then. And then proceeded to ignore my texts and calls and showed up at 4am. He never apologies for any of it. Or if I force one, it's "sorry?".
I keep waiting for him to step up and help me more. But every weekend or any day he doesn't have to work, I'm never offered a sleep in to help with my deprivation (newborn doesn't sleep much at night), I have to get up with both kids, I do EVERYTHING in the house. He sleeps until 11, 12, 1pm.
Anyway, he's one the wagon again after his behavior on Monday and even bought me an early Valentine's gift...trying to buy back my love. I can't find the courage to tell him what I'm thinking, which is if/when he falls off again, either he's moving out or I'm taking our girls to my home state. I don't want to do that, he's a great daddy when he wants to be. But I can't have them grow up around that. He knows that; he grew up around it and swears he'll live a different life. Yet doesn't. He blames work (he's AD Marine), he blames depression, he blames me. Anything but himself. I think he needs a call to Jesus to wake him up before something serious happens. I'm realizing my part in this as the codependent/provoker and learning as much as I can. Seems he will only do what he can get away with, which right now is quit a lot.
Advice?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
Advice? Take your husband out of the equation entirely and do what you need to do for yourself and your children. Let the chips fall where they may for him. It's his own bed. Let him lie in it. There is more to life than having the dead weight of an active alcoholic to drag around day in and day out. Wishing you strength.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
I lived in hope of sobriety from my now exah for 20 years. He didn't want to stop and never did. He still hasn't now we are divorced. He was good at promises but couldn't keep them. He was selfish, never could get up to the kids or if I was ill. He didn't work but the day I came out of coronary care he went on a session and slept all the next day leaving me to do everything. He would push me and push me and always seemed to know how far to go so just when I was teetering on the edge of calling it a day he improved briefly. We did this dance for years. Only you know if this is the kind of life you want.
he's a great daddy when he wants to be.
Is he or are you minimising how not great he is most of the time? You have small children. Is this the childhood you envisaged for them? The drinking and being a "part time dad when he wants to be" when he's sober will only get worse. Dads are supposed to be dads ALL the time, not when it suits them. My exah completely ignored our kids in later years. All he did was lecture them when drunk.
I'd advise you to read the stickies at the top of the forum so you can gather knowledge about what you are truly up against. I'd also say get the hell out of Dodge but you can only do that when you know it is right for you.
he's a great daddy when he wants to be.
Is he or are you minimising how not great he is most of the time? You have small children. Is this the childhood you envisaged for them? The drinking and being a "part time dad when he wants to be" when he's sober will only get worse. Dads are supposed to be dads ALL the time, not when it suits them. My exah completely ignored our kids in later years. All he did was lecture them when drunk.
I'd advise you to read the stickies at the top of the forum so you can gather knowledge about what you are truly up against. I'd also say get the hell out of Dodge but you can only do that when you know it is right for you.
Hi, DAV.
Welcome to SR.
What you describe sounds like a great situation for him: drinking with pals or by himself, choosing when he wants to be a dad, blaming everyone but himself for drinking.
Really lousy situation for you, though.
I read postings like yours far more than I would like to, and often my response is: where do you see yourself in five years, or ten?
I Realize that, with children, decisions are different.
But....your husband is at the very least, alcohol dependent, more likely adddicted.
Unless he chooses sobriety, which doesn’t seem likely right now, things will only get worse, as alcohol addiction is progressive.
Good luck. Keep coming back.
Welcome to SR.
What you describe sounds like a great situation for him: drinking with pals or by himself, choosing when he wants to be a dad, blaming everyone but himself for drinking.
Really lousy situation for you, though.
I read postings like yours far more than I would like to, and often my response is: where do you see yourself in five years, or ten?
I Realize that, with children, decisions are different.
But....your husband is at the very least, alcohol dependent, more likely adddicted.
Unless he chooses sobriety, which doesn’t seem likely right now, things will only get worse, as alcohol addiction is progressive.
Good luck. Keep coming back.
Nothing needs to happen this minute, DAV, so take a breath.
If I were you, I would start putting together a plan for going forward.
And part of that plan ahould be a consult with an attorney, one who is skilled in separation and divorce.
You should know your rights.
You don’t have to act on anything, but it’s important for you and your children’s future.
You can stop waiting for him to step up, as he shows no inclination to do so, and, bit by bit, take control of your life.
He may be ruled by drink, but you don’t have to be.
If I were you, I would start putting together a plan for going forward.
And part of that plan ahould be a consult with an attorney, one who is skilled in separation and divorce.
You should know your rights.
You don’t have to act on anything, but it’s important for you and your children’s future.
You can stop waiting for him to step up, as he shows no inclination to do so, and, bit by bit, take control of your life.
He may be ruled by drink, but you don’t have to be.
He KNOWS what you're thinking. You think he'd be off the juice and buying you gifts otherwise?
Thing is, a few days off is not going to change anything long term. I urge you to look into ACoA (adult children of alcoholics) and see the potential long term (life time) effect that growing up in a home with an alcoholic parent can have. Believe me, it isn't pretty. No 3 year old should be learning to associate love and supposed security with scary, strange behaviour and the stench of whisky tinged with vomit.
BB
Thing is, a few days off is not going to change anything long term. I urge you to look into ACoA (adult children of alcoholics) and see the potential long term (life time) effect that growing up in a home with an alcoholic parent can have. Believe me, it isn't pretty. No 3 year old should be learning to associate love and supposed security with scary, strange behaviour and the stench of whisky tinged with vomit.
BB
If you had the power to help him achieve sobriety he would be sober and happy now. I just went through the same thing. Minus the little ones, mine are older. He might be a functioning alcoholic right now. But functioning alcoholic is just a STAGE of alcoholism. It will get worse. Leaving doesn't have to be written in stone, it can be just for now, until he's cleaned up for a while. And you will probably have family to help you? Read everything you can on this forum, you will learn so much! Thing of you. Hugs hugs hugs.
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