I nearly killed myself
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Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 20
I nearly killed myself
My husband is an active alcoholic. When I first met him, I knew he would drink and we enjoyed some evenings drinking together. For the first two years of our marriage , we were long distance so I never realized how bad the situation was. i have never dealt with alcoholism before so I was naive to think that he was drinking a little too much than what he could handle and passing out or he would binge drink on weekends. He would not give me direct access to his bank account and now I am thinking that it was because he did not want me to see the trail of alcohol he was hiding and buying. Things got ugly when I started standing up to his addiction. He always redirected the blame and slowly became abusive towards me and my father everytime we brought the topic up. I finally came out of my denial when I found him in the closet with a vodka bottle to his mouth.
Of course his family blames me, work stress and everything under the sun for his drinking. I did not know how to verbalize my frustrations to them about his drinking but now I don't even know if it would've mattered. Their only goal of keeping me around was to be his caretaker. Someone who would cook and clean for him.
I hit rock bottom about 8 months ago. I asked him multiple times to go for therapy and to AA but he refused. He said he can control this on his own. I was lucky to be directed to al anon. Also because he was keeping me out of family finances, I filed for divorce when I left. He has not been cooperative with the divorce. Fast forward to 8 months now, I have guilt in me because I know so much more about this disease. At the same time, I never heard from him. He continues to drag the divorce in every way he can. I don't have kids and my biggest concern was that if I did end up having kids in that marriage, it would all be my responsibility because I could not trust him to be around them. I saw no future for a family. I still love him but the damage done has been so much. I feel like him not reaching out even once has been the biggest thing for me to deal with. I had my role to play too. I reacted horribly every time he would get drunk so I now have to work on cleaning my street and at some point make amends. Of course I was called psychotic for reacting that way but I have never been that person with anyone before. The frustration in me was through the roof and not being able to verbalize it slowly threw me into depression.
I want to reach out to him but at this point I feel like I will be talking to a wall. I also don't want him to think that this is me weakening and for him to manipulate the situation with false promises. Please help
Of course his family blames me, work stress and everything under the sun for his drinking. I did not know how to verbalize my frustrations to them about his drinking but now I don't even know if it would've mattered. Their only goal of keeping me around was to be his caretaker. Someone who would cook and clean for him.
I hit rock bottom about 8 months ago. I asked him multiple times to go for therapy and to AA but he refused. He said he can control this on his own. I was lucky to be directed to al anon. Also because he was keeping me out of family finances, I filed for divorce when I left. He has not been cooperative with the divorce. Fast forward to 8 months now, I have guilt in me because I know so much more about this disease. At the same time, I never heard from him. He continues to drag the divorce in every way he can. I don't have kids and my biggest concern was that if I did end up having kids in that marriage, it would all be my responsibility because I could not trust him to be around them. I saw no future for a family. I still love him but the damage done has been so much. I feel like him not reaching out even once has been the biggest thing for me to deal with. I had my role to play too. I reacted horribly every time he would get drunk so I now have to work on cleaning my street and at some point make amends. Of course I was called psychotic for reacting that way but I have never been that person with anyone before. The frustration in me was through the roof and not being able to verbalize it slowly threw me into depression.
I want to reach out to him but at this point I feel like I will be talking to a wall. I also don't want him to think that this is me weakening and for him to manipulate the situation with false promises. Please help
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Chandni.
Welcome!
You will find lots of support here.
When we know more, we do better.
You are doing the right things, working on your healing, and learning as much as possible about alcohol addiction.
I hope that in time you will come to see that he has his life to live and choices to make, and you have yours.
Guilt is a terrible thing. I don’t know your backstory, but, imo, you don’t have anything to feel guilty about.
Peace.
Welcome!
You will find lots of support here.
When we know more, we do better.
You are doing the right things, working on your healing, and learning as much as possible about alcohol addiction.
I hope that in time you will come to see that he has his life to live and choices to make, and you have yours.
Guilt is a terrible thing. I don’t know your backstory, but, imo, you don’t have anything to feel guilty about.
Peace.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
I want to reach out to him but at this point I feel like I will be talking to a wall.
Why? You are divorcing. Your relationship is over. I'd let the lawyer reach out to him and concentrate on myself so I can move on and heal. The best way to heal is to go no contact with him and admit to yourself it s over.
Why? You are divorcing. Your relationship is over. I'd let the lawyer reach out to him and concentrate on myself so I can move on and heal. The best way to heal is to go no contact with him and admit to yourself it s over.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
You didn't hear from him because he doesn't want to hear from you... and that's a good thing. Don't reach out to him. He doesn't deserve it. Also there is nothing he can say or do to help. You focus on changing your life for the better. Do it without him. You deserve better than this. Don't feel guilty. The behavior of an addict can be crazy-making. It was never your job to make him better. That was his job. Doesn't matter if it's a "disease" or not. He still had a choice... at some point... to stop before it became a problem. He still has choices now. I recommend Melody Beattie's "The New Codependency" and Alanon (for you not him).
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 122
You didn't hear from him because he doesn't want to hear from you.
It's hard to accept but OpheliaK is spot on. I know my ex was not missing me. He hooked up (still w her too) within two months of me leaving our 30+ marriage. He did keep me in his back pocket for a while though. believe me he isnt giving you a thought bc he's doing exactly what he wants.
There is life after living w a soul sucking alcoholic
It's hard to accept but OpheliaK is spot on. I know my ex was not missing me. He hooked up (still w her too) within two months of me leaving our 30+ marriage. He did keep me in his back pocket for a while though. believe me he isnt giving you a thought bc he's doing exactly what he wants.
There is life after living w a soul sucking alcoholic
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