Divorce, death and Guilt!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 21
Divorce, death and Guilt!
I have been searching the web for help and landed here. I hope that its ok that I share my story. It has a sad ending.
I divorced the father of my children three years ago. For the past 12 year he was an alcoholic. I at times battled with my own substance abuse issues. Because I wanted to be a mother and not alcoholic I decided to get out and take my kids with me.
It was ugly. My ex made it very hard for me, all along declaring that I was the love of his life. I did love him. We were married for 18 years and together for 24.
Last week he died. He dropped dead of a brain hemorrhage at work.
So many unresolved issues. So much pain. And now my children do not have their dad.
I'm not sure I will ever know if his death was due to his addiction. My gut tells me it was the cause.
But I am left with a ton of guilt. Maybe if I had of stayed I could have helped him. The kids would have had their dad three more years....and the list goes on. I don't know how to process any of this.
Help! I feel like I am sinking and I am really needing to be there for my 12 and 15 year old daughters.
I divorced the father of my children three years ago. For the past 12 year he was an alcoholic. I at times battled with my own substance abuse issues. Because I wanted to be a mother and not alcoholic I decided to get out and take my kids with me.
It was ugly. My ex made it very hard for me, all along declaring that I was the love of his life. I did love him. We were married for 18 years and together for 24.
Last week he died. He dropped dead of a brain hemorrhage at work.
So many unresolved issues. So much pain. And now my children do not have their dad.
I'm not sure I will ever know if his death was due to his addiction. My gut tells me it was the cause.
But I am left with a ton of guilt. Maybe if I had of stayed I could have helped him. The kids would have had their dad three more years....and the list goes on. I don't know how to process any of this.
Help! I feel like I am sinking and I am really needing to be there for my 12 and 15 year old daughters.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Elle.....being there would not have made any difference. You were not able to help him when you were there for many years. Living in a home that is centered around their dad's alcoholism would not have made their relationship with him any better...and, it could have made their memories of him a lot worse.
The grieving period is hard on everyone, regardless of the circumstances.
Sudden death from brain hemorrhage is a common occurance...even in those who have never touched a drug or alcohol....
The grieving period is hard on everyone, regardless of the circumstances.
Sudden death from brain hemorrhage is a common occurance...even in those who have never touched a drug or alcohol....
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Hello, Elle -and welcome to this forum, but so very sorry for what brought you here.
I'm sure you did everything you could to help me previously, but nothing within him changed, correct? If love, perseverance (on our part), nagging, begging, and pleading were enough to 'straighten up' and alcoholic - this forum would have no need to exist.
If he really was an alcoholic, and I'm sure he was - did his kids really 'have him' anyway? Or did they have someone who was consistently under the influence of booze, which takes away who they once were.
I understand your guilt, but you alone did not have to the power to save him he needed to make that decision for himself. And sadly, for the children's' sake, he did not.
Take good care of yourself, and give those kiddoes extra hugs.
COD
I'm sure you did everything you could to help me previously, but nothing within him changed, correct? If love, perseverance (on our part), nagging, begging, and pleading were enough to 'straighten up' and alcoholic - this forum would have no need to exist.
If he really was an alcoholic, and I'm sure he was - did his kids really 'have him' anyway? Or did they have someone who was consistently under the influence of booze, which takes away who they once were.
I understand your guilt, but you alone did not have to the power to save him he needed to make that decision for himself. And sadly, for the children's' sake, he did not.
Take good care of yourself, and give those kiddoes extra hugs.
COD
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 9
Elle,
I lost my husband of 18 years in December, he literally drank himself to death. I left him last January and filed for divorce that February. He made all last year one of the worst years ever. We had 3 kids together, and I just couldn't take care of myself, him, and our 3 kids. I feel your guilt, blame, pain, and grief. My husband died alone and I wasn't there to tell him to stop. I told him I didn't love him anymore and to leave me alone. If I would've reached out would he still be here. There is nothing anyone can say that will make you feel better. But you had to do what you had to do to make sure you and your girls don't go down that dark street he caused. But I can tell you you're not alone. I'm here to talk whenever. Many prayers and strength for you to get through these years.
I lost my husband of 18 years in December, he literally drank himself to death. I left him last January and filed for divorce that February. He made all last year one of the worst years ever. We had 3 kids together, and I just couldn't take care of myself, him, and our 3 kids. I feel your guilt, blame, pain, and grief. My husband died alone and I wasn't there to tell him to stop. I told him I didn't love him anymore and to leave me alone. If I would've reached out would he still be here. There is nothing anyone can say that will make you feel better. But you had to do what you had to do to make sure you and your girls don't go down that dark street he caused. But I can tell you you're not alone. I'm here to talk whenever. Many prayers and strength for you to get through these years.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello and welcome. I am so very, very sorry for you and your children's loss.
You have to know that loving someone from afar does not mean you loved them any less. It means you saved yourself, and more importantly your children, from going down that rabbit hole as well. Keep reading. The three C's are something to always remember. You did not Cause it, you cannot Control it, and you cannot Cure it.
People speak of addicts having a "bottom." For many, there is no such thing. All you can do is the best you can do, from day to day. I recommend grief counseling for you and your children. Please do not blame yourself. It does not good, and you simply don't have that sort of power over another human being.
Sending out huge hugs and healing to you.
You have to know that loving someone from afar does not mean you loved them any less. It means you saved yourself, and more importantly your children, from going down that rabbit hole as well. Keep reading. The three C's are something to always remember. You did not Cause it, you cannot Control it, and you cannot Cure it.
People speak of addicts having a "bottom." For many, there is no such thing. All you can do is the best you can do, from day to day. I recommend grief counseling for you and your children. Please do not blame yourself. It does not good, and you simply don't have that sort of power over another human being.
Sending out huge hugs and healing to you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 21
So ...I went to the service. I stood with my head help high and I was there for my kids. It wasn't as bad as I had expected. There were many tears and I kept my private thoughts private.
Now that it is 'over' I am left with many questions. I realized that I never did deal with my divorce. The disappointment. The broken dreams. I am still mourning the loss of the man he once was before alcohol took his soul. Losing him to alcohol, then losing our relationship and finally losing the father of my children permanently.
You would think after all of that that I would not feel guilty. That I wouldn't have regrets. But I spent so much time with my guard up, pushing him away, not trusting him, now that he is gone I feel like I treated him like a second class citizen. That maybe if I was stronger or a better person I would have stuck around and helped him. I feel selfish. Especially when I see the pain on my kids faces. The guilt threatens to swallow me up.
I spent so much time being angry at him. Years and years. Why now am I feeling this way?
Now that it is 'over' I am left with many questions. I realized that I never did deal with my divorce. The disappointment. The broken dreams. I am still mourning the loss of the man he once was before alcohol took his soul. Losing him to alcohol, then losing our relationship and finally losing the father of my children permanently.
You would think after all of that that I would not feel guilty. That I wouldn't have regrets. But I spent so much time with my guard up, pushing him away, not trusting him, now that he is gone I feel like I treated him like a second class citizen. That maybe if I was stronger or a better person I would have stuck around and helped him. I feel selfish. Especially when I see the pain on my kids faces. The guilt threatens to swallow me up.
I spent so much time being angry at him. Years and years. Why now am I feeling this way?
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Originally Posted by Elle1974 
I spent so much time being angry at him. Years and years. Why now am I feeling this way?
You did what you could with the abilities and judgement you had at the time, and you acted for your childrens and your sake. Time will give you perspective.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 229
Originally Posted by Elle1974
So ...I went to the service. I stood with my head help high and I was there for my kids. It wasn't as bad as I had expected. There were many tears and I kept my private thoughts private.
Now that it is 'over' I am left with many questions. I realized that I never did deal with my divorce. The disappointment. The broken dreams. I am still mourning the loss of the man he once was before alcohol took his soul. Losing him to alcohol, then losing our relationship and finally losing the father of my children permanently.
You would think after all of that that I would not feel guilty. That I wouldn't have regrets. But I spent so much time with my guard up, pushing him away, not trusting him, now that he is gone I feel like I treated him like a second class citizen. That maybe if I was stronger or a better person I would have stuck around and helped him. I feel selfish. Especially when I see the pain on my kids faces. The guilt threatens to swallow me up.
I spent so much time being angry at him. Years and years. Why now am I feeling this way?
Now that it is 'over' I am left with many questions. I realized that I never did deal with my divorce. The disappointment. The broken dreams. I am still mourning the loss of the man he once was before alcohol took his soul. Losing him to alcohol, then losing our relationship and finally losing the father of my children permanently.
You would think after all of that that I would not feel guilty. That I wouldn't have regrets. But I spent so much time with my guard up, pushing him away, not trusting him, now that he is gone I feel like I treated him like a second class citizen. That maybe if I was stronger or a better person I would have stuck around and helped him. I feel selfish. Especially when I see the pain on my kids faces. The guilt threatens to swallow me up.
I spent so much time being angry at him. Years and years. Why now am I feeling this way?
Do not blame yourself. Get grief counseling for all of you and grieve the loss of the man who was and of the dreams you had. You will get through this and the sun will shine again. Hugs.
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