I don’t know what to do
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 1
I don’t know what to do
Hi everyone,
This is my first go at this type of thing. My name is Lauren. I met my boyfriend, almost a year ago. Things started out great, it didn’t take very long until I realized he had a drinking problem. I would come by his place and he would be hammered, or whatever activity we were doing it would always involve alcohol. Go to the movies, takes a few shots of vodka before we go or even fills a water bottle up with vodka. Whenever we leave the house, always a few shots of vodka first. I don’t condone any of those actions and he knows that. He buys beer AT LEAST every 2 days. He hides the vodka from me because he knows that is what really pisses me off. The vodka makes him stumble and fall all over the place. I am sick of it. It hurts me so much to see someone I love hurt themselves like this. I have seen him fall and hit his head over 5 times. When I bring it up to him, he always has an excuse and makes me feel like I’m questioning him on why he can’t enjoy a drink for working so hard. I can’t do this much longer. I need to be happy. He is selfish, I want to enjoy a day with a sober him. It’s unfair for me to have to babysit him all the time. We are about 10 days from moving into our apartment. We have gone through ALOT together. I know you are probably saying, why are they moving in if she can’t do it anymore? I love him. I care for him so much. I don’t want to love him but I do. He had a damaging childhood and his mother repulses him. Anyway, short story he was an alcoholic before I met him. So I know, it’s not my fault. It’s my job to support him during hard times and not enable him. I’m confused of what to do when, I guess. Like right now, I am pissed because we just had a talk about how I’m not going to be doing it much longer if he drinks like this much longer and he said that it’s not going to happen over night, which I understand but now as I woke up I heard him drinking straight from the bottle. Every being of my soul wants to dump out the bottle. We live with my mother currently and it is extremely stressful for us, we have no privacy and it’s just terrible. He says that has a lot to do with it. Idk if he is making up excuses or what. I just know, I can’t do it for much longer.
This is my first go at this type of thing. My name is Lauren. I met my boyfriend, almost a year ago. Things started out great, it didn’t take very long until I realized he had a drinking problem. I would come by his place and he would be hammered, or whatever activity we were doing it would always involve alcohol. Go to the movies, takes a few shots of vodka before we go or even fills a water bottle up with vodka. Whenever we leave the house, always a few shots of vodka first. I don’t condone any of those actions and he knows that. He buys beer AT LEAST every 2 days. He hides the vodka from me because he knows that is what really pisses me off. The vodka makes him stumble and fall all over the place. I am sick of it. It hurts me so much to see someone I love hurt themselves like this. I have seen him fall and hit his head over 5 times. When I bring it up to him, he always has an excuse and makes me feel like I’m questioning him on why he can’t enjoy a drink for working so hard. I can’t do this much longer. I need to be happy. He is selfish, I want to enjoy a day with a sober him. It’s unfair for me to have to babysit him all the time. We are about 10 days from moving into our apartment. We have gone through ALOT together. I know you are probably saying, why are they moving in if she can’t do it anymore? I love him. I care for him so much. I don’t want to love him but I do. He had a damaging childhood and his mother repulses him. Anyway, short story he was an alcoholic before I met him. So I know, it’s not my fault. It’s my job to support him during hard times and not enable him. I’m confused of what to do when, I guess. Like right now, I am pissed because we just had a talk about how I’m not going to be doing it much longer if he drinks like this much longer and he said that it’s not going to happen over night, which I understand but now as I woke up I heard him drinking straight from the bottle. Every being of my soul wants to dump out the bottle. We live with my mother currently and it is extremely stressful for us, we have no privacy and it’s just terrible. He says that has a lot to do with it. Idk if he is making up excuses or what. I just know, I can’t do it for much longer.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
It pains me to say this, so I say it gently and with all due respect. It sounds by what you've shared that he has a serious issue with alcohol and has no desire to stop drinking. What he wants, I'm guessing, is for you to either be ok with his drinking and accept it or at least not talk to him about it. But I doubt very very much that he's going to quit drinking. At least not any time soon. No matter how much he claims to love you. If I were you, I would definitely not move in with him. It's not going to get better. It's going to get worse. Just my own experience.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
Idk if he is making up excuses or what. I just know, I can’t do it for much longer.
It’s my job to support him during hard times and not enable him.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 22
So I am new to this journey but I will tell you this-
there were signs, there were many signs of the future to come.
I chose to ignore them all, turn off my voice, make excuses, carry the burden alone.
There are always signs and listen to the voice telling you the truth. You came here to vent because your voice knows the truth.
there were signs, there were many signs of the future to come.
I chose to ignore them all, turn off my voice, make excuses, carry the burden alone.
There are always signs and listen to the voice telling you the truth. You came here to vent because your voice knows the truth.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 219
Just excuses....
I agree with the others... he has a problem, maybe not for him, but per normal society... he has a problem. He will not change unless he desires too, and it sounds like he has no desire.
Do not move in with him, as it will only create additional problems for you... having to kick the one you love out onto the streets because you need peace in your household is not pleasant. If you still want to be with this guy because you love him, set up some boundaries so he knows what you will accept when with him... what he does when you are not around is then not your concern.
Please note that addiction is a very selfish disease... their love for the substance outweighs that of anything around them and as such you will find yourself on a lower priority than you should be.
Best wishes in your journey, and one final advice, something i wish I knew before getting involved with an addict... tread lightly and slowly...
I agree with the others... he has a problem, maybe not for him, but per normal society... he has a problem. He will not change unless he desires too, and it sounds like he has no desire.
Do not move in with him, as it will only create additional problems for you... having to kick the one you love out onto the streets because you need peace in your household is not pleasant. If you still want to be with this guy because you love him, set up some boundaries so he knows what you will accept when with him... what he does when you are not around is then not your concern.
Please note that addiction is a very selfish disease... their love for the substance outweighs that of anything around them and as such you will find yourself on a lower priority than you should be.
Best wishes in your journey, and one final advice, something i wish I knew before getting involved with an addict... tread lightly and slowly...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
It’s my job to support him during hard times and not enable him.
He is selfish, I want to enjoy a day with a sober him. It’s unfair for me to have to babysit him all the time.
Seriously, you love him, love hurts sometimes. Dating is all about getting to know someone, seeing if the two of you fit together and are a match. This guy is NOT your match no matter what you keep telling yourself you are never going to get what you want or need from him.
The worst thing you could possible do to yourself right now is sign a lease with this guy and be legally obligated.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 284
Lauren,
I am very sorry for your situation, especially because I know it VERY well. I lived it. I remember when I was first dating my STBXAH "soon to be ex-alcoholic husband" and I fell in love with him all while the warning signs about his alcohol abuse were glaring. He was experiencing issues with his family to which he attributed his excessive use and even though I didn't like it, I allowed it, I let his family situation be the reason. I also hated his family which should've been a warning sign to me but wasn't. I thought i was going to save him from those people...and the joke is on me now. Cause he turned out to be just like them.
After a little over a year, we moved in and the very first weekend together, I went out with a friend for dinner only to come back to a house padlocked shut from the inside and no way for me to enter. After hours of banging, sleeping on the floor, calling his phone to hear it ringing inside, I broke through the door (old door). He was passed out to the world with the tv blaring. I should've left then but I didn't, I loooved him!
I have so many countless stories to add here but will spare you as I'm sure you have your own too.
I kept in the relationship, got engaged, got married all while numerous things happened that I didn't like. I wanted the relationship, I wanted the wedding, I wanted the marriage, I wanted the life I dreamed of more than anything and so I kept going unwilling to OPEN MY EYES TO WHAT WAS GOING ON.
It took having a child with this person and seeing how his behavior threatened our innocent baby for me to finally wake up and leave. And now I get to co-parent with an absolute mess of a human for the rest of my life.
I have been where you are. I have walked in your shoes. And while I will never regret having my beautiful son, it doesn't take away the guilt I'll carry always knowing that I brought him into this world with an unfit father.
I'm learning now through this site, personal therapy, etc that love shouldn't feel like what I had with my ex. Love is about respect and trust on BOTH sides.
If you've taken the time to find this site and post, you know in your heart something is terribly wrong. Please listen to that voice, do it for me and all of the others here who silenced ourselves for years.
You might care for him but what you have is not love. He is incapable of love. Go find someone that respects himself and therefore can respect you. Only then can you truly be in love. It is a two way bond.
If I could go back 8 years ago when we first started dating and walked away, I would. If I could go back 7 years ago when we moved in and that incident occurred I would. Each and every time I stayed and got more stuck and more stuck....please learn from my mistakes.
Please look in the mirror and realize you deserve more. Love yourself more than to stick around with this person so you won't come back on this site ten years from now asking us how to get divorced and win custody of the kids.....
I am very sorry for your situation, especially because I know it VERY well. I lived it. I remember when I was first dating my STBXAH "soon to be ex-alcoholic husband" and I fell in love with him all while the warning signs about his alcohol abuse were glaring. He was experiencing issues with his family to which he attributed his excessive use and even though I didn't like it, I allowed it, I let his family situation be the reason. I also hated his family which should've been a warning sign to me but wasn't. I thought i was going to save him from those people...and the joke is on me now. Cause he turned out to be just like them.
After a little over a year, we moved in and the very first weekend together, I went out with a friend for dinner only to come back to a house padlocked shut from the inside and no way for me to enter. After hours of banging, sleeping on the floor, calling his phone to hear it ringing inside, I broke through the door (old door). He was passed out to the world with the tv blaring. I should've left then but I didn't, I loooved him!
I have so many countless stories to add here but will spare you as I'm sure you have your own too.
I kept in the relationship, got engaged, got married all while numerous things happened that I didn't like. I wanted the relationship, I wanted the wedding, I wanted the marriage, I wanted the life I dreamed of more than anything and so I kept going unwilling to OPEN MY EYES TO WHAT WAS GOING ON.
It took having a child with this person and seeing how his behavior threatened our innocent baby for me to finally wake up and leave. And now I get to co-parent with an absolute mess of a human for the rest of my life.
I have been where you are. I have walked in your shoes. And while I will never regret having my beautiful son, it doesn't take away the guilt I'll carry always knowing that I brought him into this world with an unfit father.
I'm learning now through this site, personal therapy, etc that love shouldn't feel like what I had with my ex. Love is about respect and trust on BOTH sides.
If you've taken the time to find this site and post, you know in your heart something is terribly wrong. Please listen to that voice, do it for me and all of the others here who silenced ourselves for years.
You might care for him but what you have is not love. He is incapable of love. Go find someone that respects himself and therefore can respect you. Only then can you truly be in love. It is a two way bond.
If I could go back 8 years ago when we first started dating and walked away, I would. If I could go back 7 years ago when we moved in and that incident occurred I would. Each and every time I stayed and got more stuck and more stuck....please learn from my mistakes.
Please look in the mirror and realize you deserve more. Love yourself more than to stick around with this person so you won't come back on this site ten years from now asking us how to get divorced and win custody of the kids.....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
unless you want to babysit a grown man who has made drinking his priority in his life, do NOT move into an apt with him!!!!!! look how it's gone SO FAR......he's not gonna just wake up and see the light. he will let you care take and enable, and he will just keep drinking. he has an excuse for EVERYTHING......and he has a truckload more just waiting for the next opportunity.
you can love him, and not live with him.
you can love him, and not make HIS problem YOUR problem.
you can love him, and not live with him.
you can love him, and not make HIS problem YOUR problem.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
I've seen it said here on many occasions--just b/c we love someone doesn't mean we get to keep them.
I've also seen it said here--you are not required to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
Put those matches away, Himlauren.
I've also seen it said here--you are not required to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
Put those matches away, Himlauren.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Himlauren.
Welcome to SR.
As others have stated, your SO is actively drinking and has many reasons why he needs to drink.
You can’t control another’s behavior, but you can control yours.
You sound about ready to make a change, and you should.
Get away from this relationship. It will go nowhere but down unless he chooses sobriety.
You are not his mother, his nurse, or his babysitter.
It sounds as though you care for him and feel responsible as you have been through so much together.
I wonder how much of that experience has been alcohol-fueled?
Good luck.
Welcome to SR.
As others have stated, your SO is actively drinking and has many reasons why he needs to drink.
You can’t control another’s behavior, but you can control yours.
You sound about ready to make a change, and you should.
Get away from this relationship. It will go nowhere but down unless he chooses sobriety.
You are not his mother, his nurse, or his babysitter.
It sounds as though you care for him and feel responsible as you have been through so much together.
I wonder how much of that experience has been alcohol-fueled?
Good luck.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
