12 monthes of soberity
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12 monthes of soberity
My husband hasn't been sober 12 monthes yet. It's more like 10 monthes. I thought if we give working a program and being sober at least 12 monthes that's what I should give him, during this sobriety without a program phase. He wasn't there when my mother died almost a year ago and I realize he isn't even aware that the anniversary of her death is close. He is just focused on himself which has caused me to detach. He has no idea what is happening in my life. I am realizing the writing is on the wall. A contact to a lawyer is at hand.
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I know in the end w/my XAH it was like we were living separate lives. And even though I was involved in what was going on with him and his family, it was much the same. He was clueless about my feelings or things happening with me. It was hurtful and definitely contributed to our demise.
Have you spoken to him about this at all? I am betting so, just asking. Also sending you a huge hug friend.
Have you spoken to him about this at all? I am betting so, just asking. Also sending you a huge hug friend.
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Just so I'm understanding. Is he focusing on himself as in focusing on his sobriety? If that's the case it can be a tricky time since sobriety has to come first for them. As much as addiction goes hand in hand with selfishness, so does sobriety - but in a much different way. Selfishness in sobriety is usually a good thing because keeping sober takes a ton of self work that everything else has to come second. Now you mention he is not working a program (pardon if I am misunderstanding)....that can be tough because to me that tends to mean white knuckling. I don't know his history or your story, but I have not heard of much success staying sober without a program or plan. It tends to be either a program (which doesn't neccesarily need to even be AA) or white knuckling in my experience. No in between.
I also want to tell you that I empathize with your pain in losing your mother. I am so very sorry. So often the addicts are so wrapped up in their own tornado and we are so wrapped up in cleaning up the aftermath, that who is there for us? Someone recently commented on a thread of mine where she stated just that while the addict was off numbing himself from his pain, I had to go through it without the anesthetic. Reminds me of when he would leave on his multi day benders. I was always left without a raft that when he came back I was so busy taking care of him, never once did it occur to him that I was now needing to recover from my own pain I was going through. Nobody was there to sooth the tears that flowed the nights I stayed awake not knowing if he was dead or alive. I had to go through everything alone. Addiction is one selfish disease. Probably the best adjective to describe it.
I also want to tell you that I empathize with your pain in losing your mother. I am so very sorry. So often the addicts are so wrapped up in their own tornado and we are so wrapped up in cleaning up the aftermath, that who is there for us? Someone recently commented on a thread of mine where she stated just that while the addict was off numbing himself from his pain, I had to go through it without the anesthetic. Reminds me of when he would leave on his multi day benders. I was always left without a raft that when he came back I was so busy taking care of him, never once did it occur to him that I was now needing to recover from my own pain I was going through. Nobody was there to sooth the tears that flowed the nights I stayed awake not knowing if he was dead or alive. I had to go through everything alone. Addiction is one selfish disease. Probably the best adjective to describe it.
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If he was being selfish working on his sobriety I wouldn't have as much a problem with it. He is acting like he's white knuckling it. Angry when conversing. Making sarcastic remarks without facts. Looking for things I've not done. Not trying to understand what my day was like. Instead of making changes to his own side of the fence. He knows I'm not happy. He's surprised it's not enough. It's more of just a bad relationship.
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Hi heart health,
I have read a lot of your posts and you seem to have arrived at a decision for yourself. In case you second guessing yourself, or in case you want some information from the A side of what recovery looks like, I’ve posted the AA promises below. Granted this is the AA version, but I have several friends in recovery who have over time had these promises come true no matter their program. Ifone seems true recovery and healing from alcoholism in an honest and open way, their life will change for the better and they will be better for their loved ones.
The 12 promises of AA are as follows:
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are halfway through.
We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
We will comprehend the word serenity, and we will know peace.
No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
Self-seeking will slip away.
Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
I have read a lot of your posts and you seem to have arrived at a decision for yourself. In case you second guessing yourself, or in case you want some information from the A side of what recovery looks like, I’ve posted the AA promises below. Granted this is the AA version, but I have several friends in recovery who have over time had these promises come true no matter their program. Ifone seems true recovery and healing from alcoholism in an honest and open way, their life will change for the better and they will be better for their loved ones.
The 12 promises of AA are as follows:
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are halfway through.
We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
We will comprehend the word serenity, and we will know peace.
No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
Self-seeking will slip away.
Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
Originally Posted by wehav2day 
Hi heart health,
I have read a lot of your posts and you seem to have arrived at a decision for yourself. In case you second guessing yourself, or in case you want some information from the A side of what recovery looks like, I’ve posted the AA promises below. Granted this is the AA version, but I have several friends in recovery who have over time had these promises come true no matter their program. Ifone seems true recovery and healing from alcoholism in an honest and open way, their life will change for the better and they will be better for their loved ones.
The 12 promises of AA are as follows:
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are halfway through.
We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
We will comprehend the word serenity, and we will know peace.
No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
Self-seeking will slip away.
Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
I have read a lot of your posts and you seem to have arrived at a decision for yourself. In case you second guessing yourself, or in case you want some information from the A side of what recovery looks like, I’ve posted the AA promises below. Granted this is the AA version, but I have several friends in recovery who have over time had these promises come true no matter their program. Ifone seems true recovery and healing from alcoholism in an honest and open way, their life will change for the better and they will be better for their loved ones.
The 12 promises of AA are as follows:
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are halfway through.
We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
We will comprehend the word serenity, and we will know peace.
No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
Self-seeking will slip away.
Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
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Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
Originally Posted by hearthealth
If he was being selfish working on his sobriety I wouldn't have as much a problem with it. He is acting like he's white knuckling it. Angry when conversing. Making sarcastic remarks without facts. Looking for things I've not done. Not trying to understand what my day was like. Instead of making changes to his own side of the fence. He knows I'm not happy. He's surprised it's not enough. It's more of just a bad relationship.
Take care of you. If he's not working a program and it is not out isn't he open he won't stay clean. Regardless though, even if he does stay clean he is still manipulative. Just because he is clean doesn't mean you have to stay with him. If you felt like giving him another chance if he really worked at changing himself and working a program there nothing wrong with that. But if your are done there is also nothing wrong with that.
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Gaslighting
Two days in a row he said something mumbled it. Then said he didn't say. He then replied, "If I said it I'm sorry" Then he had pills laying around and I asked him about it. It was either I've never seen that before. I looked it up it was his prescription or I've taken it already. It's laying right there. Is he like loosing it or want me to question myself. It's crazy making.
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Hearthealth....from what I can tell from your post...my first thought is that his cognition is clouded by some drug/s........? or....maybe a combination of alcohol with a drug......like his prescription drug......?
That would be my first thought...before a more complicated explanation.....
Perhaps more observation would shed more light.....
I can see why you would be concerned...if this is out of character, for him...
That would be my first thought...before a more complicated explanation.....
Perhaps more observation would shed more light.....
I can see why you would be concerned...if this is out of character, for him...
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Two days in a row he said something mumbled it. Then said he didn't say. He then replied, "If I said it I'm sorry" Then he had pills laying around and I asked him about it. It was either I've never seen that before. I looked it up it was his prescription or I've taken it already. It's laying right there. Is he like loosing it or want me to question myself. It's crazy making.
I'd bet the white knuckling is over...possibly has been a while and he's back to drinking again. My exah used to be nonsensical when he was trying to hide the fact he'd been drinking.
I'd bet the white knuckling is over...possibly has been a while and he's back to drinking again. My exah used to be nonsensical when he was trying to hide the fact he'd been drinking.
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Dandylion, LOL. I was afraid to watch your video. Is it child apropriate? How would I explain this video. Is it a virus? I finally got up the courage and alone time to watch it.
I told my H I wasn't feeling healthy. His response was, are you working this weekend? not what's wrong. I wonder if he's emotionally abusive just because he doesn't have a clue? Is it my place to teach him? Will he learn? I'm so close to retirement and going alone scares me. Is just not being good enough selfish? Last night he wanted me to call a service man because he was late. He ended up being two minutes late. I gave him the workers number. I wouldn't do it.
I told my H I wasn't feeling healthy. His response was, are you working this weekend? not what's wrong. I wonder if he's emotionally abusive just because he doesn't have a clue? Is it my place to teach him? Will he learn? I'm so close to retirement and going alone scares me. Is just not being good enough selfish? Last night he wanted me to call a service man because he was late. He ended up being two minutes late. I gave him the workers number. I wouldn't do it.
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hearthealth....LOL....I hope you liked the video. You do get the symbolism?
(I would never send you anything bad!)....
In my opinion, when you are asking or attempting to teach a man of your husband's age about emotional sensitivity....it is too late...you are on a fool's errand....
I tend to think that whatever his issues are...they are so deep seated...from childhood, most probably, and just "baked into the cake"....
A question....I am under the impression that you children are still young....and, you mention being close to retirement....I tend to think of people near retirement as being of an older age than those with younger biologic children....(though I have heard of early retirement)...why retire so early?.
I can tell you for 100 per cent...that "going alone" is much, MUCH, easier than living with an abusive man as a millstone around your neck. And, an act of kindness for the children....
I went alone, with three small children...and life was so much more fun, for all of us!
And, I can tell you that the more support you get...and, there is a lot of support out there...the easier it is....
(I would never send you anything bad!)....
In my opinion, when you are asking or attempting to teach a man of your husband's age about emotional sensitivity....it is too late...you are on a fool's errand....
I tend to think that whatever his issues are...they are so deep seated...from childhood, most probably, and just "baked into the cake"....
A question....I am under the impression that you children are still young....and, you mention being close to retirement....I tend to think of people near retirement as being of an older age than those with younger biologic children....(though I have heard of early retirement)...why retire so early?.
I can tell you for 100 per cent...that "going alone" is much, MUCH, easier than living with an abusive man as a millstone around your neck. And, an act of kindness for the children....
I went alone, with three small children...and life was so much more fun, for all of us!
And, I can tell you that the more support you get...and, there is a lot of support out there...the easier it is....
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Dandylion, I didn't think you would but... And yes the video was lovely. I knew exactly what you were saying.
I had my children late in life. There has been much talk on retirement. I will not retire early but I have been focused on the retirement stage. My H wants to retire early so that scares me for so many reasons. It will only be bad.
I had my children late in life. There has been much talk on retirement. I will not retire early but I have been focused on the retirement stage. My H wants to retire early so that scares me for so many reasons. It will only be bad.
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Hearthealth.....I agree that would be really bad,if he retired......people who don't have dysfunction issues going on have a lot of trouble adjusting to retirement.....
If you are going to leave...I think, the younger you are...the better...as you still have so much of life to enjoy....why throw any of it away, just existing....
If you are going to leave...I think, the younger you are...the better...as you still have so much of life to enjoy....why throw any of it away, just existing....
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I have good times with my children but I know he will be home soon and everything will be different. I wish I could have a house my way. I wish we could have a house of 100% love between the 3 of us instead of 75% among the four of us. No, I wish we could have 100% with the four of us but that isn't the way it will ever be. I think after he's recovered from his surgery I will ask him to leave. I need distance.
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