Codependency
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 128
Codependency
Background: husband is in rehab, sober for first time in 30 years, I'm going to maybe learn how to be honest about my feelings without regrets.
We spent the whole weekend together last week. It was wonderful. But I am very very tired. We went to an AA meeting and then to the gym. I loved AA, felt like coming home because 19 years ago I was active in alanon. This was a perfect date for me, I'd like to do this every weekend tbh. I told him yesterday that he Can't come home this weekend, I have tickets to a concert and a hotel. I wasn't super excited to go, partly because I worry about him all the time. But self care right? And we'd have the next two weekends at home. I'm learning to be honest, I told him I needed a weekend off, I cried, I felt bad, he said he doesn't understand, but he respects my decision, etc.
So before I went to sleeo last night I cancelled my plans and told him I would pick him up on Friday for the weekend. I also made plans to go to alanon last night but my daughter had already arranged to borrow my car, she said she would change her plans but I said don't and stayed home (depressed mood).
I woke up this morning at 4:00 am, read about codependency, cried about myself. The weekend situation is ok and the right thing to do. But I need to learn some things (I turn 50 in two weeks, and I'm ashamed of my learning needs)
I need to learn: 1) to express my feelings not repress them. All of my childhood and all of my thirty years of marriage I have not had a safe place to express my feelings, and I have learned to be the one who carries the responsibility of other's emotions, 2) self care. And I'm good at registering for dance lessons and participating in competitions, being a running coach, working on my masters to force the self care, but I need to move beyond this a be a bit more authentic and deliberate with meeting my needs. And 3) stop worrying about how and what the alcoholic in my life is doing.
We spent the whole weekend together last week. It was wonderful. But I am very very tired. We went to an AA meeting and then to the gym. I loved AA, felt like coming home because 19 years ago I was active in alanon. This was a perfect date for me, I'd like to do this every weekend tbh. I told him yesterday that he Can't come home this weekend, I have tickets to a concert and a hotel. I wasn't super excited to go, partly because I worry about him all the time. But self care right? And we'd have the next two weekends at home. I'm learning to be honest, I told him I needed a weekend off, I cried, I felt bad, he said he doesn't understand, but he respects my decision, etc.
So before I went to sleeo last night I cancelled my plans and told him I would pick him up on Friday for the weekend. I also made plans to go to alanon last night but my daughter had already arranged to borrow my car, she said she would change her plans but I said don't and stayed home (depressed mood).
I woke up this morning at 4:00 am, read about codependency, cried about myself. The weekend situation is ok and the right thing to do. But I need to learn some things (I turn 50 in two weeks, and I'm ashamed of my learning needs)
I need to learn: 1) to express my feelings not repress them. All of my childhood and all of my thirty years of marriage I have not had a safe place to express my feelings, and I have learned to be the one who carries the responsibility of other's emotions, 2) self care. And I'm good at registering for dance lessons and participating in competitions, being a running coach, working on my masters to force the self care, but I need to move beyond this a be a bit more authentic and deliberate with meeting my needs. And 3) stop worrying about how and what the alcoholic in my life is doing.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Worrying will never change the outcome! Worrying does not take away tomorrows troubles, it takes away today’s peace. Don’t fill your head with worries because then there won’t be room for anything else.
We have to change our self-talk from unhealthy to healthy. We need to stop the negative thoughts in their tracks once they begin and replace them with positive ones. We need to place ourselves on the top of the list of important people in our lives. We need to do things even they do not feel right like saying no and sticking to it. Get back into al-anon, seek therapy to help you change your behaviors that don’t work for you and learn to accept the new healthy ones in their place.
We have to change our self-talk from unhealthy to healthy. We need to stop the negative thoughts in their tracks once they begin and replace them with positive ones. We need to place ourselves on the top of the list of important people in our lives. We need to do things even they do not feel right like saying no and sticking to it. Get back into al-anon, seek therapy to help you change your behaviors that don’t work for you and learn to accept the new healthy ones in their place.
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