herdofcrickets

This is my first post... I apologize if I ramble and bounce around.

I have recently decided to finally go to AlAnon, hopefully I can find a late night one this week sometime.

My wife is currently sober about 135 days, so thats a great start... a little history... We were always social drinkers, her a little more into the drinking then being social but it was never out of control until 3 years ago after our 2nd girl was born. Then she went off the deep end.... drinking at home alone (vodka). passing out instead of picking up our oldest from school.

She has 2 DUI's on her record, one with our kids in the car. She should have an additional 2 but the police literally drove her home instead of arresting her. The DUI's were within a 60 day period but I'm sure there are countless times that she just didn't get caught.

She was a day drinker when she was supposed to be at home raising the kids... She has done inpatient rehab 4 times and IOP 2 times; completing one of them.

Me filing for divorce after the last DUI scared her straight, and she has been sober since... Of course the house arrange and RBU helped get that started. Once she was sober for 30 days, I pulled the divorce papers back.

Due to kids being in the car for the last DUI, now the State is mandating in home counseling or they're threatening to remove my kids (or I have to kick my wife out).

Side note if it's important; the State has said I cannot have alcohol in the house, which I am fine with in principle. I still drink, maybe one night a week (I'll grab a tiny bottle and make sure to finish it)... 3-4 drinks, nothing out of control. But I did nothing wrong... if I want to come home after working a 10 hour day and have a bourbon, why the hell can't I... Out of respect I do not drink in front of her, I'd wait until she went to bed and have a nightcap. My kids should also know that some level of drinking is acceptable, if controlled and safe. But I digress...

Why am I here.... Now that she's on the early path to being sober, I'm looking back and wondering why the heck the kids and I stuck around so long in the first place... I'm insane for knowing what was going on and still leaving every day for work.

I should have divorced her then, and I should not have pulled the divorce papers when she started seeking treatment.

My kids (7 and 3) are glad that she is sober and we are back to a normal family... But I'm not happy. I don't look at her the same. I look at her like a good friend and a roommate, and I love her... but I am not in love with her.

I expressed this to her last weekend and she broke down crying... saying she's doing all the can to make things better (and she's right). But what if thats not enough?

I toyed with the idea of a trial separation, but I can't bear to think of the look on my kids faces as she leaves for an unknown amount of time.

She needs me a lot more then I need her.... both for emotional and fiscal support (she hasn't worked in 8 years). I feel horrible for thinking I want her to leave when she's working so hard at being sober, but at what point do I deserve to be with someone I am excited to come home to each day...

I would be fine if we split, I can tell I'm starting to detach from her... But I fear the look on my 7 year olds face and I fear my wife would respond... would she go back to drinking? I can't bear hurting her despite everything she put me through.

I'm sure this has been asked over and over, and I'll start scrolling through old posts... just wanted to put my thoughts down before we see a therapist on Thursday...

Sleepyhollo

I can very much relate. I've been with my RAH for 16 years and have dealt with his alcoholism for that long, except I didn't really see it for what it was at that point and time. He was nice and kind and able to work and function. As they years went on he stopped and restarted several times. The last 2 years of his addiction were the worst (and the first half of that he was not drinking but was a dry drunk which is basically the same person who no longer had his one coping mechanism so still miserable) and I really started detaching a lot and doing my own thing. I hit my rock bottom of September of 2016. I confronted him and gave him an ultimatum meaning one more chance to do something about it and seek help this time. He got sent to rehab for 90 days which didn't help our relationship at all and made it worse. He came home a little over a year ago. It has been very rough despite the fact that he is doing really well and really has changed for the better. The years took a toll on me but I just kept in trucking because of our family (my now 7 y/o and we also raised his 2 nieces). I totally enabled him by keeping. It a secret and always covering for him. The last 2 years I really detached and I'm not sure I can come back from that. I didn't realize how much it really had affected me over the years (im great at keeping everything inside me) and once it was all out in the open it was like I was finally allowed to let it all out. I've learned a lot about myself and have had to work on changing myself as well. Whether our marriage survives this or not I need to change to avoid falling into a same type of codependent relationship again. They usually recommend not making any life changing decisions for the first year. My RAH has changed a lot even from leaving rehab to now. So 4 months into recovery is great but she will likely continue to change if she is working a program. I will admit that if it wasn't for my 7 y/o I doubt I would still be here. And it is so hard because everyone thinks he has done such an awesome job kicking his addiction that it is hard for people to understand why I can't just be happy and move on. But unless you've lived it you have no idea how badly it affects a relationship. It is easier for my RAH because his feelings for me weren't affected really because he was too busy with his drinking. Me on the other hand it really changed my feelings for him and I still have a lot of anger and resentment to work through. So I totally get what you're saying. I do individual counseling once a week and marriage counseling once a week. I still can't talk to him much outside of counseling other then just non emotional stuff. I feel guilty (working on that ) because he has done so well and it would be a huge deal,if we split up for many reasons. But ultimately I need to think about myself and do what's right for me for once. At this point I still don't really know what that is exactly, it's still hard to put my own needs first without thinking of how it affects others. I don't enjoy being with him, I cringe when he touches me and I just don't feel like I can get to the point where I need to be to be a proper married couple so to speak. He just recently is really understanding that all this years of active addiction with him don't just go away overnight and it took me 16 years to get to a breaking point and it may take a lot more than a year for me to get past this. And right now there are still plenty of things that need to be said and sorted out, mostly on my end probably, but that is taking time. I'm still discovering why I feel the way I do about certain things even after a year. And this forum has helped with that as well. My counselor keeps telling me that running away isn't the answer. That doesn't mean I should stay he just wants to make sure that whatever decision I make I make because it is best for me and that I can feel confident about making that decision without having too much guilt if I decide I don't want to stay. This sounds so bad but it would be easier if he was still a jerk or if he relapsed. Because then the decision would be much easier. I don't wish that on him but I can't help feel that way sometimes. Also every relationship I've been in (my mom, then my XH then my RAH) has been dysfunctional and I went from one into the other so I have never not been in a relationship. Now I see that that was not a good idea. But hindsight is 20/20.
Take your time, she is still early in recovery. Go to counseling and get a lot of your curent and past feelings worked out. It may not fix the marriage but hopefully you will be able to understand yourself better and her as well. Ultimately your kids will be fine. Kids will know things are not right and they will be better off with two divorced but happier parents than parents that stay together for the kids sake and therefore giving up a lot of their happiness. Which in turn will cause a lot of resentment, I know that's easier said than done because it is still a very difficult decision to make as I find myself in a very similar situation. I have no deadline but I know I won't be able to live this way for years to come, but I'm willing to give it more time and see where things go. If nothing else at least we'd hopefully understand each other better and will have worked out a lot of the resentments so we can at least get along. Only time will tell. Are you doing alanon and or individual counseling? It may help you a lot to sort things out as well. Good luck with everything.

trailmix

Hi HOC and welcome,

Sorry for your situation.

I'm just going to throw this out there, please take what you like and leave the rest.

You have two children and your wife has been sober almost 5 months.

I assume at some point you had a good or great relationship?

What have you tried, if anything, to perhaps get back to that? Marriage counseling at this point might be a good idea.

I know many people say run and in some cases I think that advice is spot on, however perhaps (and this is not a judgement) perhaps it is a bit irresponsible to split up your family with young children and a newly sober wife.

It is possible she could spiral without you. You are NOT responsible for her drinking, of course, she will drink if she wants to but this is still so new I am guessing she is still a bit off balance?

My point is, maybe you owe it to your children to give this a chance. Maybe you can't be bothered to go to counselling or try to repair the relationship, that is 100 percent your choice and you have been put through the wringer, so it wouldn't be a huge surprise. You do however have a responsibility to those children, if not to your wife and how will you feel if this all falls apart and the children are without their Mother because of it.

Again, I want to reiterate that you are not responsible for her drinking whatsoever, just seems like perhaps, if for no other reason, you can at least be there for her until she gets back on her feet.

Now, if she relapses, based on her past behaviour, well that's a different kettle of fish.

Anyway, just some thoughts I had.

FeelingGreat

HOC, I'm not sure 'herd' is the right term for crickets, but I digress.

You're coming over as very angry with her, quite naturally. Have you been to see a counsellor, or Al-anon for your own sake? Spouses of As have a very rough time, and often can't express their anger while still in crisis mode. Then the A stops drinking and all those emotions spill over. This is where talking to a trained counsellor can help. Then if she remains sober, a marriage counselling. Even if it doesn't save your marriage it can make separation and divorce less destructive.

Some women don't thrive as SAHM. It can be isolating and intellectually deadening. She might want to consider finding a job to give her an outlet and of course earn some money. Just a thought.

dandylion

herdofcrickets.....you two are seeing a therapist on Thursday? Good.
I just encourage you to be open and honest in therapy.....
She is only 4-5 months into sobriety.....
Early recovery period can be hellacious for the alcoholic and loved ones, alike...
Why not give more time to see how things unfold.....?

Here are a couple of books that might be helpful for you, right now....

"Loving Someone in Recovery"
"Everything Changes"

maia1234

HOC,
Welcome, glad you reached out. Have you ever heard the term "the family disease of alcoholism?" That would pertain to you and your kids also. They are the passed out drunk alcoholics, but we are the crazy spouses/kids of alcoholics.

Its just wonderful after all you have been through and she is doing great. Getting her shxt together and moving on. But you..... bearing all that you have gone through, remembering everything, fixing everything, protecting the kids and so on. What help are you receiving?

You need to break down all the anger, resentment, and everything else that goes with being a spouse of an addict. You need support to recognize what has/had happened to your family. You are in an angry faze, which is all part of the disease. Seek support, alanon, open aa meetings, and addiction therapist. Just because she isn't drinking doesn't mean life will get back to "normal". Seek support for you and your kids and then evaluate if your marriage can survive. Either way you need some help. I too feel since there are kids involved that it is worth the effort. You stayed with her so you obviously love/loved her. They say in alanon not to make any big decisions for at least 6 months as you are in a crazy stage. Step back work on yourself and then when your head is clearer, you can tackle what you need to do.

Keep posting, reading all over this forum. Education is power with this horrible disease. Just count your blessings that she is sober .... today!!

Learning14

I, too, have gone through some of the same emotions. The reason I am here was because of my AF (alcoholic friend and ex roommate), but I was married to my son's father for 17 years before we divorced.

We were very young when we got married (19 and 22) and didn't date very long at all. The marriage was awful from the beginning. He got in trouble at work for drinking, but quickly rebounded.

We had our son 6 years into the marriage. He was very much wanted. My son was 7 months old when my now ex got a DUI. I went into panic/crisis/fixing mode. I thought that is what a "good wife" and "supportive partner does." I realize now that I kept my ex from getting the consequences he deserved by breaking the law. It wasn't supposed to be my burden to carry. I didn't know.

I didn't really give him an "ultimatum." I told him what I would and would not be putting up with in my and our son's life. The ex quit drinking. We still got divorced (11 yrs later).

We did so many stints at counseling over the course of 17 years, but nothing ever changed with him and me relationship wise. Yes, the drinking stopped, but our personality clashes didn't. I finally was tired of being miserable.

He's not a horrible person. He's my son's father. I love and care about him still. We are amicable and friendly and get along well (even with significant others). It's very nice for our adult son, too.

I've gone through times (less frequent now) where I think, "What if I would've stayed with him" or "Why didn't I leave after the DUI? Why did I bail him out of jail?"

Only YOU, HOC, can answer when you are "done" with the relationship/marriage. I would definitely do the counseling and see what happens.

Plus, you don't have to make any decisions right now. You're not under a time table. DO YOU AND YOUR KIDS. PERIOD. Your wife needs to work her life and program.

P.S. I would suggest like another poster did that she gets a job. Employment needs to be on her immediate horizon whether you stay together or not.

atalose

I remember when I felt that way about my ex, it was during that calm after storm #4 or 5 when he was sober/clean and working a program AGAIN.

I had spent so much time, energy and focus pushing him towards sobriety I lost interest in romantic love and only felt obligated love. I knew it was never going to be like it once was and that making it better was impossible. I gained a lot of knowledge about addiction and knew that at any given moment he was always going to be one bad decision away from relapse. I was no longer willing to bet my life or happiness on those odds because his history of addiction was far greater than his history of sobriety.

A friend of mine shared this with me…………..Don’t say the relationship is over, say it’s complete. Some aren’t meant to last forever.

herdofcrickets

Thank you all for the kind words.

We do have our first couples therapy on Thursday, but last weekend I did tell her that I wasn't sure I was in love with her anymore... I was honest for once... I told her I loved her, very much, and want her to be safe and happy... but I dont know how I fit into that.

She was crushed, as you can imaigne. Broke my heart...

But I also know that I don't want to live the rest of my life with a "good enough" relationship when there is probably something amazing around the corner..