Finally hit MY rock bottom
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 16
Finally hit MY rock bottom
I created this account because, as much as I’ve gotten support from my loved ones today, it’s hard when they don’t know what I’ve been through and why I chose to put myself through it this long.
I left my boyfriend of 3.5 years today. When we met he was going through a divorce and drinking a bottle of whiskey a day plus other drinks. His ex wife drank like he did. When I wouldn’t tolerate that specific level of drinking and the chaos it caused, he stopped going to the liquor store, stopped keeping alcohol in the house, and mostly stopped drinking alone.
He did, however, continue to drink at the bar daily. Usually 5-6 drinks on a normal night, 10+ on a day off. We never went on dates or did the things I loved, we were only allowed to go to the 3 bars he liked. Things went up and down, we would fight and he’d cut back and then he’d hit a stressor and weeks of heavier drinking followed. I ended up drinking way more than I even cared to because we could only hang out at the bar and honestly, sometimes it was easier to deal with his drunk crazy if i was drunk enough to throw it back at him.
Anyway, the last month the drinking ramped up and he started with name calling. He’s always been good at picking dumb fights when drinking (like basically forcing me to talk politics that I don’t agree with and then getting mean about it), but now it escalated to horrible names for no reason. He wouldn’t like a look I had on my face and would start in. But then the next day he’d tell me he never said that. Or I take things he says too seriously and need to relax. Or that it’s not his fault I get “triggered” so easily.
On Wednesday last week he started the nasty name calling at the bar and then told me to give him his keys and get my stuff and get out. Because he didn’t like the way the guy sitting next to me at the bar (who I had my back to) looked. It was my last straw. Thankfully I never moved in with him because I was afraid this day would come so I went and packed my bags. He cussed me out for breaking up with him because he forgot he was the one who told me to get out. And I left.
Today after multiple drunk text tirades he texts me this morning that he loves and wants to get married and start our lives together. Because he’s that insane. I told him if he got completely sober to call me and we could talk. He said he would “cut back and work on being nicer.” Hahahahaha I said zero drinks or zero me. He obviously chose zero me.
I sat down with him Mom today and showed her some of the more threatening texts and told her to be prepared because I’ve been money-wise helping him stay afloat for most of the relationship and I think he’s going to not be able to pay his rent soon. She had an idea the problem was there but since I’m much closer to his parents than he is, they only seen him a few times a year and didn’t know the extent. We cried together and went to an al anon meeting together so she knows how to protect herself if he turns to them with me gone. They aren’t telling him they know unless he reaches out to them because we decided he’s going to do this to himself no matter what. I’m just glad someone other than his alcoholic friends, someone who loves him knows.
Sorry for the novel. I have so many feelings to deal with after trying to take care of him all these years. The urge to check on him. The urge to save him. The fog in my head from all the gaslighting and manipulations and verbal abuse and lies.
Letting go is hard.
I left my boyfriend of 3.5 years today. When we met he was going through a divorce and drinking a bottle of whiskey a day plus other drinks. His ex wife drank like he did. When I wouldn’t tolerate that specific level of drinking and the chaos it caused, he stopped going to the liquor store, stopped keeping alcohol in the house, and mostly stopped drinking alone.
He did, however, continue to drink at the bar daily. Usually 5-6 drinks on a normal night, 10+ on a day off. We never went on dates or did the things I loved, we were only allowed to go to the 3 bars he liked. Things went up and down, we would fight and he’d cut back and then he’d hit a stressor and weeks of heavier drinking followed. I ended up drinking way more than I even cared to because we could only hang out at the bar and honestly, sometimes it was easier to deal with his drunk crazy if i was drunk enough to throw it back at him.
Anyway, the last month the drinking ramped up and he started with name calling. He’s always been good at picking dumb fights when drinking (like basically forcing me to talk politics that I don’t agree with and then getting mean about it), but now it escalated to horrible names for no reason. He wouldn’t like a look I had on my face and would start in. But then the next day he’d tell me he never said that. Or I take things he says too seriously and need to relax. Or that it’s not his fault I get “triggered” so easily.
On Wednesday last week he started the nasty name calling at the bar and then told me to give him his keys and get my stuff and get out. Because he didn’t like the way the guy sitting next to me at the bar (who I had my back to) looked. It was my last straw. Thankfully I never moved in with him because I was afraid this day would come so I went and packed my bags. He cussed me out for breaking up with him because he forgot he was the one who told me to get out. And I left.
Today after multiple drunk text tirades he texts me this morning that he loves and wants to get married and start our lives together. Because he’s that insane. I told him if he got completely sober to call me and we could talk. He said he would “cut back and work on being nicer.” Hahahahaha I said zero drinks or zero me. He obviously chose zero me.
I sat down with him Mom today and showed her some of the more threatening texts and told her to be prepared because I’ve been money-wise helping him stay afloat for most of the relationship and I think he’s going to not be able to pay his rent soon. She had an idea the problem was there but since I’m much closer to his parents than he is, they only seen him a few times a year and didn’t know the extent. We cried together and went to an al anon meeting together so she knows how to protect herself if he turns to them with me gone. They aren’t telling him they know unless he reaches out to them because we decided he’s going to do this to himself no matter what. I’m just glad someone other than his alcoholic friends, someone who loves him knows.
Sorry for the novel. I have so many feelings to deal with after trying to take care of him all these years. The urge to check on him. The urge to save him. The fog in my head from all the gaslighting and manipulations and verbal abuse and lies.
Letting go is hard.
Last edited by Imaginarium; 02-05-2018 at 07:05 PM. Reason: Grammar
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Albany, NY
Posts: 75
Originally Posted by Imaginarium 
I created this account because, as much as I’ve gotten support from my loved ones today, it’s hard when they don’t know what I’ve been through and why I chose to put myself through it this long.
I left my boyfriend of 3.5 years today. When we met he was going through a divorce and drinking a bottle of whiskey a day plus other drinks. His ex wife drank like he did. When I wouldn’t tolerate that specific level of drinking and the chaos it caused, he stopped going to the liquor store, stopped keeping alcohol in the house, and mostly stopped drinking alone.
He did, however, continue to drink at the bar daily. Usually 5-6 drinks on a normal night, 10+ on a day off. We never went on dates or did the things I loved, we were only allowed to go to the 3 bars he liked. Things went up and down, we would fight and he’d cut back and then he’d hit a stressor and weeks of heavier drinking followed. I ended up drinking way more than I even cared to because we could only hang out at the bar and honestly, sometimes it was easier to deal with his drunk crazy if i was drunk enough to throw it back at him.
Anyway, the last month the drinking ramped up and he started with name calling. He’s always been good at picking dumb fights when drinking (like basically forcing me to talk politics that I don’t agree with and then getting mean about it), but now it escalated to horrible names for no reason. He wouldn’t like a look I had on my face and would start in. But then the next day he’d tell me he never said that. Or I take things he says too seriously and need to relax. Or that it’s not his fault I get “triggered” so easily.
On Wednesday last week he started the nasty name calling at the bar and then told me to give him his keys and get my stuff and get out. Because he didn’t like the way the guy sitting next to me at the bar (who I had my back to) looked. It was my last straw. Thankfully I never moved in with him because I was afraid this day would come so I went and packed my bags. He cussed me out for breaking up with him because he forgot he was the one who told me to get out. And I left.
Today after multiple drunk text tirades he texts me this morning that he loves and wants to get married and start our lives together. Because he’s that insane. I told him if he got completely sober to call me and we could talk. He said he would “cut back and work on being nicer.” Hahahahaha I said zero drinks or zero me. He obviously chose zero me.
I sat down with him Mom today and showed her some of the more threatening texts and told her to be prepared because I’ve been money-wise helping him stay afloat for most of the relationship and I think he’s going to not be able to pay his rent soon. She had an idea the problem was there but since I’m much closer to his parents than he is, they only seen him a few times a year and didn’t know the extent. We cried together and went to an al anon meeting together so she knows how to protect herself if he turns to them with me gone. They aren’t telling him they know unless he reaches out to them because we decided he’s going to do this to himself no matter what. I’m just glad someone other than his alcoholic friends, someone who loves him knows.
Sorry for the novel. I have so many feelings to deal with after trying to take care of him all these years. The urge to check on him. The urge to save him. The fog in my head from all the gaslighting and manipulations and verbal abuse and lies.
Letting go is hard.
I left my boyfriend of 3.5 years today. When we met he was going through a divorce and drinking a bottle of whiskey a day plus other drinks. His ex wife drank like he did. When I wouldn’t tolerate that specific level of drinking and the chaos it caused, he stopped going to the liquor store, stopped keeping alcohol in the house, and mostly stopped drinking alone.
He did, however, continue to drink at the bar daily. Usually 5-6 drinks on a normal night, 10+ on a day off. We never went on dates or did the things I loved, we were only allowed to go to the 3 bars he liked. Things went up and down, we would fight and he’d cut back and then he’d hit a stressor and weeks of heavier drinking followed. I ended up drinking way more than I even cared to because we could only hang out at the bar and honestly, sometimes it was easier to deal with his drunk crazy if i was drunk enough to throw it back at him.
Anyway, the last month the drinking ramped up and he started with name calling. He’s always been good at picking dumb fights when drinking (like basically forcing me to talk politics that I don’t agree with and then getting mean about it), but now it escalated to horrible names for no reason. He wouldn’t like a look I had on my face and would start in. But then the next day he’d tell me he never said that. Or I take things he says too seriously and need to relax. Or that it’s not his fault I get “triggered” so easily.
On Wednesday last week he started the nasty name calling at the bar and then told me to give him his keys and get my stuff and get out. Because he didn’t like the way the guy sitting next to me at the bar (who I had my back to) looked. It was my last straw. Thankfully I never moved in with him because I was afraid this day would come so I went and packed my bags. He cussed me out for breaking up with him because he forgot he was the one who told me to get out. And I left.
Today after multiple drunk text tirades he texts me this morning that he loves and wants to get married and start our lives together. Because he’s that insane. I told him if he got completely sober to call me and we could talk. He said he would “cut back and work on being nicer.” Hahahahaha I said zero drinks or zero me. He obviously chose zero me.
I sat down with him Mom today and showed her some of the more threatening texts and told her to be prepared because I’ve been money-wise helping him stay afloat for most of the relationship and I think he’s going to not be able to pay his rent soon. She had an idea the problem was there but since I’m much closer to his parents than he is, they only seen him a few times a year and didn’t know the extent. We cried together and went to an al anon meeting together so she knows how to protect herself if he turns to them with me gone. They aren’t telling him they know unless he reaches out to them because we decided he’s going to do this to himself no matter what. I’m just glad someone other than his alcoholic friends, someone who loves him knows.
Sorry for the novel. I have so many feelings to deal with after trying to take care of him all these years. The urge to check on him. The urge to save him. The fog in my head from all the gaslighting and manipulations and verbal abuse and lies.
Letting go is hard.
I am a recovering alcoholic and I know I put my ex husband through hell.
I think that you did the right thing for now.
I wouldn't have gotten sober if I'd stayed with my ex.
I am also currently struggling with reviewing our life together.
So many missteps and regrets.
It takes lots of time to heal from a relationship like that.
Much as we'd like folks to get better, we can't do it for them.
I hope that you are taking care of yourself and being safe.
In time, you'll be able to get some perspective.
Just take care of yourself. Some day you may look back and realize that what you've done was the best for both of you.
I'm so sorry that you are in this painful time.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
I,
Welcome and glad you posted. Good for you for packing your bags and leaving. It only took me 34 years of my life to do that. So what is your plan?
He really needs to hit that "rock" bottom before addicts truly commit to sobriety. Doesn't sound like he is there yet. I am sure you haven't hear the last of him. He will be nice then mean, then nice then mean. (wash, rinse and repeat). If I was you, I would cut off all contact. He is no longer "your" responsibility. If you can block him on your phone, email, all social media. It will hurt, but obviously he is not a "great" catch and you can do much better.
Hit some alanon meetings or open AA meetings. Seek support for you and find out why you accepted this behavior and how to make sure your next relationship will not end up the same. Work on yourself and things will fall into place. Keep posting and reading, we do understand on this forum. Hugs!!
Welcome and glad you posted. Good for you for packing your bags and leaving. It only took me 34 years of my life to do that. So what is your plan?
He really needs to hit that "rock" bottom before addicts truly commit to sobriety. Doesn't sound like he is there yet. I am sure you haven't hear the last of him. He will be nice then mean, then nice then mean. (wash, rinse and repeat). If I was you, I would cut off all contact. He is no longer "your" responsibility. If you can block him on your phone, email, all social media. It will hurt, but obviously he is not a "great" catch and you can do much better.
Hit some alanon meetings or open AA meetings. Seek support for you and find out why you accepted this behavior and how to make sure your next relationship will not end up the same. Work on yourself and things will fall into place. Keep posting and reading, we do understand on this forum. Hugs!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
I'm sorry you are going through this. As hard as it is it is the right decision for you and your sanity. And good for you for telling him zero drinks or zero you and sticking to it. He might be able to stop for a while or cut back but unless he gets some sort of treatment it is unlikely to last. So he either really wants you back and is ready to quit and get serious or he will just continue to drink into oblivion. Either way, you have zero control over what he does.
I'd say keep going to alanon, read codependent no more and if you can find it watch Pleasure Unwoven, it's a documentary on addiction that explains it very well. I would even consider counseling for you. Most people will like us continue to find the same type of relationships unless they make some changes themselves. We all tend to be caretakers and fixers and neglect ourselves and our needs in the process. I never realized how much I had to change my ways until this past year. It's tough but necessary regardless of whether my marriage works out or not.
I have no doubt that it is hard to let go but it really doesn't sound like you were getting any or YOUR needs met and do the things YOU wanted to do. Be glad that you weren't living with him, that you weren't married and didn't have any kids. Because that just makes it so much harder to get out. And I would probably encourage his mom to continue to go to alanon as well as learn as much as she can about addiction/manipulation. Because from the sounds of it chances are good that he will be showing up at their doorstep before too long. I'm glad you were able to talk to her. When it is a big secret to everyone but you it makes it very hard to deal with. It is very lonely and isolating.
Good luck and take care of yourself. You deserve it.
I'd say keep going to alanon, read codependent no more and if you can find it watch Pleasure Unwoven, it's a documentary on addiction that explains it very well. I would even consider counseling for you. Most people will like us continue to find the same type of relationships unless they make some changes themselves. We all tend to be caretakers and fixers and neglect ourselves and our needs in the process. I never realized how much I had to change my ways until this past year. It's tough but necessary regardless of whether my marriage works out or not.
I have no doubt that it is hard to let go but it really doesn't sound like you were getting any or YOUR needs met and do the things YOU wanted to do. Be glad that you weren't living with him, that you weren't married and didn't have any kids. Because that just makes it so much harder to get out. And I would probably encourage his mom to continue to go to alanon as well as learn as much as she can about addiction/manipulation. Because from the sounds of it chances are good that he will be showing up at their doorstep before too long. I'm glad you were able to talk to her. When it is a big secret to everyone but you it makes it very hard to deal with. It is very lonely and isolating.
Good luck and take care of yourself. You deserve it.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
