Can’t live this way anymore
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: the coast
Posts: 246
Can’t live this way anymore
After being sober for a long time I have been relapsed for six months. I am not sure where I went wrong but I started toying with the idea off a relaxing drink or two so I drank. Picked up right where I left off. It was like I never stopped. Went right to blacking out.
Yesterday I drank all day. I went to a bar to watch the super bowl but hardly remember any of it. I sat at the bar crying my eyes out. Don’t remember why. The bartender had to drive me home. I am so incredibly embarrassed by all of this. This sad part? This is pretty much par for the course. I blackout every weekend. I wake up hating myself every weekend. Borderline suicidal.
I cannot live this way anymore. I feel like I live two separate lives. My drinking life almost doesn’t feel real. I am going back to AA today and going to therapy. I am considering rehab.
Just needed to let that out. Thanks for listening.
Yesterday I drank all day. I went to a bar to watch the super bowl but hardly remember any of it. I sat at the bar crying my eyes out. Don’t remember why. The bartender had to drive me home. I am so incredibly embarrassed by all of this. This sad part? This is pretty much par for the course. I blackout every weekend. I wake up hating myself every weekend. Borderline suicidal.
I cannot live this way anymore. I feel like I live two separate lives. My drinking life almost doesn’t feel real. I am going back to AA today and going to therapy. I am considering rehab.
Just needed to let that out. Thanks for listening.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome back Josh, so glad to hear that you are seeking help again. If you are serious about the suicide comment please seek immediate help...there are people you can call right now that know what you are going through and want to help you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: the coast
Posts: 246
Originally Posted by ScottFromWI 
Welcome back Josh, so glad to hear that you are seeking help again. If you are serious about the suicide comment please seek immediate help...there are people you can call right now that know what you are going through and want to help you.
I could see peace instead of this
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Canada, eh
Posts: 2,360
Welcome back!
My relapse showed me just how precious my sobriety was.
Getting help is an excellent idea. Just think... you never have to feel that way again if you don't want to.
My relapse showed me just how precious my sobriety was.
Getting help is an excellent idea. Just think... you never have to feel that way again if you don't want to.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
Welcome, Josh!
So many people say the same - drinking after a long period of sobriety takes you right back to where you were. I'm sorry that you're struggling. You will find lots of support here.
So many people say the same - drinking after a long period of sobriety takes you right back to where you were. I'm sorry that you're struggling. You will find lots of support here.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: York County, PA
Posts: 302
I was not only having suicidal tendencies, I actually took action to end my life.
There is help, and the medical professionals who you reach out to will be a lot more understanding than you can imagine. But, you do have to reach out to the right resources. Our friends and family love us, but they are not equipped to deal with this, so don't put that burden on them.
I'm very happy to hear you are putting all options on the table. I spent far too long not willing to do that, and it cost me far for than I was willing to wager to get better.
In the end, after spending far too long in the depths of my blackness, rehab was a turning point for me. I'm glad you still have that on the table. Rehab isn't something I'd want to do again, but when I went it I was ready, and it was something I'd define as a pinnacle point in my life. And that includes my time in Parris Island.
You don't have to go to rehab to make a change. At the end, I just knew I needed to. And I found that finally surrendering, accepting I couldn't do it anymore and was willing to accept that there was a better way of living, I found that freeing.
Go admit you have a problem, and need help. For a Marine Infantryman, to admit I needed help, was a huge hurdle to overcome. But if I can admit I need help, so can you.
There is help, and the medical professionals who you reach out to will be a lot more understanding than you can imagine. But, you do have to reach out to the right resources. Our friends and family love us, but they are not equipped to deal with this, so don't put that burden on them.
I'm very happy to hear you are putting all options on the table. I spent far too long not willing to do that, and it cost me far for than I was willing to wager to get better.
In the end, after spending far too long in the depths of my blackness, rehab was a turning point for me. I'm glad you still have that on the table. Rehab isn't something I'd want to do again, but when I went it I was ready, and it was something I'd define as a pinnacle point in my life. And that includes my time in Parris Island.
You don't have to go to rehab to make a change. At the end, I just knew I needed to. And I found that finally surrendering, accepting I couldn't do it anymore and was willing to accept that there was a better way of living, I found that freeing.
Go admit you have a problem, and need help. For a Marine Infantryman, to admit I needed help, was a huge hurdle to overcome. But if I can admit I need help, so can you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 293
For me my relapses helped solidify my strong desire to stay sober. My relapses were very ugly. I hated the self hatred along with all the other garbage that comes with a relapse. As I built myself back up in sobriety it made it easier to turn away from the "just one" crap that my AV was notorious for. 6 months is awesome! Build on the things that worked for you in that time. Know that you are not alone in this. It is a battle that is shared by so many and there are so many success stories.
Boxer
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Tampa, Florida
Posts: 151
Alcohol sure is a sneaky snake! I’m somewhat recently divorced and have been romanticizing (but not really considering) the social and related drinking aspect of single life. Fortunately I’m in no big rush to meet someone and posts like yours help me stay sober. There is no doubt I’d pick up where I left off too and that would not make a pretty picture. You got this, hang in there!!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,537
I'm so glad you came back, Joshly. The same thing happened to me after a long period of abstinence - I was more out of control than ever. I put myself in danger & turned into someone I didn't recognize. Thankfully, that was all the further proof I needed to reclaim my life. You will do it!
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