Wamama48

It is because of all the support and sharing of wisdom for all of the members of SR that this wonderful thing has happened to me. .....

I don't know if this qualifies as a breakthrough or a step forward or whatever its called. AH has been sober 26 days now. I posted a few days back that I asked my husband to leave b/c I needed space (about 10 days ago) He had excuses as to why he couldn't, and eventually said he doesn't want to have to leave his house and he is scared.
I made it crystal clear that I was suffering badly, I'd never been this hurt and I needed him to leave. I told him I thought losing my mom was the most painful thing Id ever felt. I was wrong, this was. I was just devastated and broken.
He told me last night (a week had passed since I asked him to leave) he was going to talk to his dad a few days ago about moving in with him. Someone was visiting his dad at the time we were there, so we left. That was three days ago, he never made arrangements to go back over there to talk to him.
Last night I pointed out that by doing that, he showed in no uncertain terms that he didnt love me enough to put me first, to give me what I needed. He loved himself first, and most. Then I may or may not have called him a coward.
I had a thought yesterday....he doesn't love me enough to suffer, so my suffering can be relieved. He loves himself more right now. Then after hours of anger and writing furiously in my journal I cried until I fell asleep.
I spent time with my daughter, granddaughter and youngest son at an indoor play center today. Good gosh it was loud! Anyway it's an hour drive there and back, which gave me time to think (when my son wasnt talking my ear off . How can a 12 year old kid have so much to say? LOL)
So I thought to myself....Im not working on this marriage right now. He cares more about himself than me, has for a long time. I'm giving 100%, he is giving 50%. That hit hard. To have stayed with him through thick and thin, to know he is the only man I've ever loved with all of my heart, and the only man I have ever trusted fully.
*I'm not wasting any more emotional energy and getting hurt every day, usually several times a day.
*I'm not going to allow myself to be devastated and depressed, unable to function or stop crying.
*I'm going to pick myself up, no matter how much it hurts to move on without him. I still love him deeply, but he doesn't feel the same. It's a hard, hard step because we've always been together, he's been there for me, I've cried on his shoulder and he's had my back so many times, despite being a drunk. He is really a great husband, father and friend. When he's SOBER. And I miss him. A LOT.
If he cant/wont meet me halfway, I cant stay stuck. I'm not trusting him, and Im not going down with him. Man I am excited!!! What a revelation! I'm too excited to sleep. Thank you for sharing many of your thoughts with me. After reading many posts on SR, something just clicked. I don't know what or how, but the light bulb came on! I didn't know a person could be devastated, enlightened, excited and broken all at the same time. Weird.
***For those of you new to the forum.... read everything you can about alcoholism, research it to death until you understand it. Read the stickies at the top of the page, post and ask for help, and read the posts that you feel apply to your situation. Your light bulb moment will come! ***

Harperlee4

You are SO brave and I’m very proud of you. I can’t imagine after so much history together the strength it would have taken to make this decision. I’m sure you are bound to have some really tough times ahead but with the guts that it took for you to just make that decision I’m sure you will be okay

You were a lot of comfort to me yesterday when I was feeling really down but today I’m feeling a lot better so thank you. Sending you lots of love and support back at you!

Vivie

„Not going down with him..“ resonates deeply with me.

Stay strong, it’s hard, but so worth it.

Givenup2018

Good for you, that is an important revelation.
When the A shows you that your pain is more important than their discomfort, then that is progress. Until then put yourself first.

Maudcat

Enlightenment comes when enlightenment comes.
Good for you.

TropicalWinter

Yes! It's definitely a strange feeling, but I think that many of us can identify with this. Broken but hopeful, grieving but fierce... recovery is all of these, and more, often all at the same time.

Learning14

I'm very glad for your breakthrough!


That is the BEST time to talk to your kids...especially tweens/teenagers. They can't leave and for the most part, it's uninterrupted conversation.

My son is 23, self-sufficient and living in another state and what I wouldn't give to have back a "car conversation with him."

Mango blast

Listen, talk... ebb and flow. When words and actions are positive, firm and meet up together it's a wonderful thing.

For quite some time, my insides and outsides were having a bit of a struggle lining up together. To listen is an action. To pray is an action. To allow feelings to flow are powerful actions... letting your son have these things, too, is very powerful.

DS11 and I have good, interesting convos in the car, yet he gets sick of anything too heavy very quickly. A little at a time. Carpool karaoke, singing competitions and alphabet sign challenges -- finding the letters from a to z ... winner gets bragging rights and the next game begins... these are what have helped him the most. He gets enough of the rest filled in smaller moments, as needed.

Alakid/Alateen has been invaluable to him. He went regularly at first, then as needed.



The more I let go, the stronger I become, then there is room for God to work in my marriage... He even guided me through all the steps of filing, of having the papers in my hand, of burning those papers in a beautiful release.

I don't know if my marriage will make it or not... and it no longer bothers me. I don't need to know.

I have a bigger strength inside me that keeps growing.

My recovery is going strong.

My husband is in his strongest recovery that I've seen. It was just as difficult learning to have a new friendship with him in recovery as it was learning to walk away during his relapses... both the alcohol and dry drunk ones.

One day at a time.

Things change quickly, we heal FASTER when we focus on one day at a time.

Mango blast

Self care. Self compassion.

With each stepping out in new realizations, with emotional break-downs and break-throughs, I'm finding it ULTRA important to balance that out with great self care and self compassion. These things aren't easy for me and don't come naturally, yet they are learned skills that strengthen as I turn towards doing them.

Little things, big things...

Keep it simple. Pray and follow. Something good will come to mind.

Breathe deeply and enjoy this day.

You've got this!!!