How are you?.... I don’t know?
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How are you?.... I don’t know?
I think someone recently posted about being “in between”. I don’t know if this is that, but if you asked me to describe the state I am in right now it certainly doesn’t feel like here or there, so surely it must be the between.
My sister called today and asked..”.how are you? Well being check”
He’s been gone from my life now for three 3 weeks exactly. I haven’t cried once. It feels weird to me to be sad but not to cry. To be sad, but go on completely as normal. And then when I catch myself being normal, I question it because there’s a part of me that’s still unsure how you move on without knowing anything. Did they die? Did they have another life you didn’t know about they are living now? Are they doing what they usually do when they leave to drink? I knew how to do the benders. Years of practice I got used to you. I knew that one day after he did it again I’d have the strength to have the talk, and we’d split amicably like we had tried to do so many times only to end up back together (what do you want to do today?). But I didn’t know how to do this.
I didn’t really know how to prepare for him leaving like this. In this way. I’m not really sure how to move on aside from just doing so and knowing that I may never know what happened to him. And I just have to be ok with that. When someone asks me how I am it’s okay not to really know. You just have to ride it out and make peace with whatever the next day brings.
My sister called today and asked..”.how are you? Well being check”
He’s been gone from my life now for three 3 weeks exactly. I haven’t cried once. It feels weird to me to be sad but not to cry. To be sad, but go on completely as normal. And then when I catch myself being normal, I question it because there’s a part of me that’s still unsure how you move on without knowing anything. Did they die? Did they have another life you didn’t know about they are living now? Are they doing what they usually do when they leave to drink? I knew how to do the benders. Years of practice I got used to you. I knew that one day after he did it again I’d have the strength to have the talk, and we’d split amicably like we had tried to do so many times only to end up back together (what do you want to do today?). But I didn’t know how to do this.
I didn’t really know how to prepare for him leaving like this. In this way. I’m not really sure how to move on aside from just doing so and knowing that I may never know what happened to him. And I just have to be ok with that. When someone asks me how I am it’s okay not to really know. You just have to ride it out and make peace with whatever the next day brings.
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Sounds like you already have prepared somewhat. From reading your posts you were already detaching, maybe this non-dramatic feeling is from that.
And speaking of drama, it probably feels pretty weird to be out of that, is there a bit of a void? I've heard others speak about that.
I think that maybe part of the "moving on" needs to be doing things differently, maybe change a few things up. I'm sure you are used to having your time consumed by him or worrying about him or waiting for him.
Can you do some stuff with your Sister? Girls night out? Friends over for a netflix binge? A pottery making afternoon. Just something that you wouldn't normally do.
It will probably seem strange at first I would think because I suspect you are somewhat used to being on high alert but even if none of the things above are your "thing" they might lead to things and people who are.
And speaking of drama, it probably feels pretty weird to be out of that, is there a bit of a void? I've heard others speak about that.
I think that maybe part of the "moving on" needs to be doing things differently, maybe change a few things up. I'm sure you are used to having your time consumed by him or worrying about him or waiting for him.
Can you do some stuff with your Sister? Girls night out? Friends over for a netflix binge? A pottery making afternoon. Just something that you wouldn't normally do.
It will probably seem strange at first I would think because I suspect you are somewhat used to being on high alert but even if none of the things above are your "thing" they might lead to things and people who are.
Last edited by trailmix; 02-03-2018 at 09:03 PM. Reason: because I like to
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trailmix. I think you hit the nail on the head. I had been detaching for some time. Even when he was not drunk the recent times together were extremely strained and buried in resentment. I began pulling away. Probably for longer than I even know. Now it’s just getting use to that final break, and doing it without the luxury of any real closure. Still with that secret fear that I’ve held the last few years which is, what if he dies and I’m not there. Something I need to continue and heal from.
I like a lot of things you mention doing. Thankfully I have a lot of great friends that are always ready to go do fun things. This weekend hitting me harder because I’m home sick. I hope to be back to myself next week and take it one day at a time.
I like a lot of things you mention doing. Thankfully I have a lot of great friends that are always ready to go do fun things. This weekend hitting me harder because I’m home sick. I hope to be back to myself next week and take it one day at a time.
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Still with that secret fear that I’ve held the last few years which is, what if he dies and I’m not there. Something I need to continue and heal from.
My exah has been hospitalised numerous times since we split up. In the 3 years post divorce he has had several near death illnesses, cpr twice in one weekend, massive bled out from an ulcer caused by his drinking and my daughter has asked the police to do 4 safe and well checks on him after he dropped off the radar for months at a time. The police never did find him to see if he was OK but to date he is still alive afaik. I used to fret like you if he died and I wasn't there and then I realised being there would not change him dying. My presence at his death would not stop him dying. He is choosing to kill himself with drink and there is absolutely nothing I can do to stop him. When ( and it is more likely when than if) I get a call he has passed I will tell his sons and we will move on with our lives same as before. You will get to that resigned stage. It just takes time and filling your life with things other than him.
My exah has been hospitalised numerous times since we split up. In the 3 years post divorce he has had several near death illnesses, cpr twice in one weekend, massive bled out from an ulcer caused by his drinking and my daughter has asked the police to do 4 safe and well checks on him after he dropped off the radar for months at a time. The police never did find him to see if he was OK but to date he is still alive afaik. I used to fret like you if he died and I wasn't there and then I realised being there would not change him dying. My presence at his death would not stop him dying. He is choosing to kill himself with drink and there is absolutely nothing I can do to stop him. When ( and it is more likely when than if) I get a call he has passed I will tell his sons and we will move on with our lives same as before. You will get to that resigned stage. It just takes time and filling your life with things other than him.
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Thankfully I have a lot of great friends that are always ready to go do fun things. This weekend hitting me harder because I’m home sick. I hope to be back to myself next week and take it one day at a time.
We invest SO MUCH into someone that can't really love us the right way. It's difficult to change that empty feeling of when they're gone, and realize that we DO have people that love us the right way, and we DO have people we can rely on - lots of them! You're doing just fine girl!!
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