High functioning alcoholic...anyone married to one?
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Join Date: Jan 2018
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High functioning alcoholic...anyone married to one?
Me: raises hand
The mind games are plentiful with this one! I wish he was a fall down drunk, seems like it would be easier as the sickness shows on the outside.
Not us. AH has a great job and does it well. Never misses a day and gets plenty of accolades. Our sickness is hidden- manipulation, guilt, lying, constant money problems, etc,,,
And then he takes a break, doesn't drink, pays attention to the budget we are supposed to be using (and agreed to the terms of), is somewhat helpful. Makes me question all my thoughts and and makes me think I am crazy. Mind games
The mind games are plentiful with this one! I wish he was a fall down drunk, seems like it would be easier as the sickness shows on the outside.
Not us. AH has a great job and does it well. Never misses a day and gets plenty of accolades. Our sickness is hidden- manipulation, guilt, lying, constant money problems, etc,,,
And then he takes a break, doesn't drink, pays attention to the budget we are supposed to be using (and agreed to the terms of), is somewhat helpful. Makes me question all my thoughts and and makes me think I am crazy. Mind games
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Awake, let me share these words of wisdom w/you. They are from another SR member, and I copied them to my "Wisdom of SR" folder. The original poster was talking about so-called "high functioning" alcoholics, a group to which my XAH definitely belonged. Here's what she had to say:
I'm not going to be very eloquent here, but when people who aren't in it use the phrase "functioning alcoholic" or imply that the situation isn't that difficult because the alcoholic is able to maintain a job and doesn't beat anyone, or because they "obviously" care for their families, those people are dismissing the biggest parts of what makes humans who we are. The fact that a person can hold a job, can move about the world without stumbling and hurting themselves or others, that they can make a sandwich for their kids - those functions don't make a human a full and complete human. A robot can do all of those things. To truly function, a human has to be able to do more than that, and honestly a human doesn't need to be able to do the things above to be able to "function" as a human being. The other things - like connecting to others with truth - are so much more important. I've come to the realization that there's no such thing as a functioning alcoholic. There may be physically capable alcoholics, but that's as far as I can go.
I'm not going to be very eloquent here, but when people who aren't in it use the phrase "functioning alcoholic" or imply that the situation isn't that difficult because the alcoholic is able to maintain a job and doesn't beat anyone, or because they "obviously" care for their families, those people are dismissing the biggest parts of what makes humans who we are. The fact that a person can hold a job, can move about the world without stumbling and hurting themselves or others, that they can make a sandwich for their kids - those functions don't make a human a full and complete human. A robot can do all of those things. To truly function, a human has to be able to do more than that, and honestly a human doesn't need to be able to do the things above to be able to "function" as a human being. The other things - like connecting to others with truth - are so much more important. I've come to the realization that there's no such thing as a functioning alcoholic. There may be physically capable alcoholics, but that's as far as I can go.
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty 
One thing to remember: "High-functioning" is not a TYPE of alcoholism, it's a STAGE. This thing is progressive. While no one can give you an exact timeline, left untreated, it will get worse.
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Raises hand
Yes. It is difficult. Mine somewhat hides his drinking but I know. I think the most difficult part is the deception to the "outside world". And yes I understand the feeling that wishing it could be just obviously out in the open
Yes. It is difficult. Mine somewhat hides his drinking but I know. I think the most difficult part is the deception to the "outside world". And yes I understand the feeling that wishing it could be just obviously out in the open
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Awake, I empathize. It's difficult, painful and insanity inducing being married to an addict.
I was married to a self proclaimed, "very high functioning alcoholic" for a long time. It sucked...I drove myself crazy because of what I allowed into my life.
Now, I am no longer married to that alcoholic. My life is happy and peaceful. There is no longer chaos... no lies,no broken promises, no deflection, no gaslighting, no manipulation, no financial woes.... my life is much healthier now
Wishing you peace and clarity while you deal with your situation.
I was married to a self proclaimed, "very high functioning alcoholic" for a long time. It sucked...I drove myself crazy because of what I allowed into my life.
Now, I am no longer married to that alcoholic. My life is happy and peaceful. There is no longer chaos... no lies,no broken promises, no deflection, no gaslighting, no manipulation, no financial woes.... my life is much healthier now
Wishing you peace and clarity while you deal with your situation.
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Originally Posted by SmallButMighty
Awake, I empathize. It's difficult, painful and insanity inducing being married to an addict.
I was married to a self proclaimed, "very high functioning alcoholic" for a long time. It sucked...I drove myself crazy because of what I allowed into my life.
Now, I am no longer married to that alcoholic. My life is happy and peaceful. There is no longer chaos... no lies,no broken promises, no deflection, no gaslighting, no manipulation, no financial woes.... my life is much healthier now
Wishing you peace and clarity while you deal with your situation.
I was married to a self proclaimed, "very high functioning alcoholic" for a long time. It sucked...I drove myself crazy because of what I allowed into my life.
Now, I am no longer married to that alcoholic. My life is happy and peaceful. There is no longer chaos... no lies,no broken promises, no deflection, no gaslighting, no manipulation, no financial woes.... my life is much healthier now
Wishing you peace and clarity while you deal with your situation.
My oldest daughter (who I am beginning to see) has been the most affected is my inspiration for action. I don't know how I could go this long and just see it as a wife/husband issue when all along my children have been rowing the same boat as me.
Peace and clarity for us all.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
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My exah was high functioning until he wasn't. As people have said it is a stage and in my exah case it didn't last very long. He went from working to losing his job, then from being out of work to drinking more and more and more. Then the health related issues got worse and more obvious to people we knew. Then the debt piled up and I was taking out bank loans to cover kids clothing and bills. Next he was doing things in front of our friends and before long the fact I was married to an alcoholic was an open secret. That took...5 years from wet to set after 15 of the supposed high function in which he wasn't really. He had a t shirt which said "Am out of bed what more do you want?" printed on it. Summed him up really.
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Originally Posted by Awake2018
people will gossip, what will others think. They wont "see" it for themselves
Someone here recently used the phrase "house devil, street angel" to describe what I'm sure you're well familiar with...
However, you also mention "defending yourself", "proving your case", and "justifying your decisions." NONE of those things are necessary unless you're talking about when you are before the judge for your divorce. Other people do not live your life, and thus they do not get to make your decisions, or judge them, for that matter. Live your own truth and let the rest fall by the wayside.
Like the saying goes, "the ones who mind don't matter, and the ones who matter don't mind."
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Join Date: Oct 2017
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Originally Posted by Awake2018
Thank you. I am working through the why you stay reasons. Really trying to grasp, people will gossip, what will others think. They wont "see" it for themselves so I will have to defend myself and prove my case to justify my decisions. That's where I am today anyway
My oldest daughter (who I am beginning to see) has been the most affected is my inspiration for action. I don't know how I could go this long and just see it as a wife/husband issue when all along my children have been rowing the same boat as me.
Peace and clarity for us all.
My oldest daughter (who I am beginning to see) has been the most affected is my inspiration for action. I don't know how I could go this long and just see it as a wife/husband issue when all along my children have been rowing the same boat as me.
Peace and clarity for us all.
Surround yourself with supporters and take care of you and your kid(s). Check out an alanon meeting.
Let me guess - everyone thinks he's a "great guy?"
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Originally Posted by Clover71
I had a catalyst that made me start to think (and kicked me in the ass) You know what I did? I made a list of what I want out of life and from a partner - from simple everyday things to dreamie things. I studied that list, and I thought hard and long about it. I finally opened up to my closest friends and closest members of my family. My family asked me why I had waited so long to tell them, and they knew something was off. I now have support. I no longer talk to one friend about the topic at all because she said it would be cruel for me not to stay with him if he decided to go to rehab. In her words "he would quit and everything would be back to normal. You would just have to alter your lifestyle a bit". I schooled her about that "normal" stuff. I grew up with and went through that "new normal" several times. I don't want to live that way.
Surround yourself with supporters and take care of you and your kid(s). Check out an alanon meeting.
Let me guess - everyone thinks he's a "great guy?"
Surround yourself with supporters and take care of you and your kid(s). Check out an alanon meeting.
Let me guess - everyone thinks he's a "great guy?"
I have been to one meeting so far and will go again next week. I am doing a lot of reading and making mental lists. I think I will start to write stuff down- put it out into the universe.
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Now, I am no longer married to that alcoholic. My life is happy and peaceful. There is no longer chaos... no lies,no broken promises, no deflection, no gaslighting, no manipulation, no financial woes.... my life is much healthier now
Yay! Me too! I woke up this morning and thought, just for today, I will honor my peace. High five, Sistah!!
Yay! Me too! I woke up this morning and thought, just for today, I will honor my peace. High five, Sistah!!
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Originally Posted by Awake2018
Thank you. I am working through the why you stay reasons. Really trying to grasp, people will gossip, what will others think. They wont "see" it for themselves so I will have to defend myself and prove my case to justify my decisions.
This helped me:
" It's none of your business what other people think of you"
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My ex was "high-functioning" until he wasn't. And, like someone told me, when they're not in a hands-on job (like construction) where the effects of their drinking is obvious, they get that much further down the drain before they crash.
My ex was a high-flyer. The kind that was interviewed on TV with some regularity. When he crashed, he lost his job, was convicted of a crime, and ended up friendless and living in squalor before he died.
Like SparkleKitty said: It's a stage, not a type. And it doesn't get better without them seeking recovery. The only thing I regret is that I didn't get out earlier.
Also: The "I wish he was a falling-down drunk" is an excuse to not do anything. I used to say to myself "I wish he would actually beat me, because then I would know he's abusive and I'd be able to leave." It is so hard when the abusive behavior doesn't leave visible marks. And the mind games make you doubt whether it really is as bad as you think it is.
Let me tell you: When he starts falling down drunk, or beats you -- you'll find another excuse why it was just temporary and he'll never do it again... because that's what the disease of alcoholism does to those of us who live with the alcoholic.
My ex was a high-flyer. The kind that was interviewed on TV with some regularity. When he crashed, he lost his job, was convicted of a crime, and ended up friendless and living in squalor before he died.
Like SparkleKitty said: It's a stage, not a type. And it doesn't get better without them seeking recovery. The only thing I regret is that I didn't get out earlier.
Also: The "I wish he was a falling-down drunk" is an excuse to not do anything. I used to say to myself "I wish he would actually beat me, because then I would know he's abusive and I'd be able to leave." It is so hard when the abusive behavior doesn't leave visible marks. And the mind games make you doubt whether it really is as bad as you think it is.
Let me tell you: When he starts falling down drunk, or beats you -- you'll find another excuse why it was just temporary and he'll never do it again... because that's what the disease of alcoholism does to those of us who live with the alcoholic.
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Join Date: Sep 2017
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I have used the term to describe my AH. Nice car, dresses well, schmoozing clients, everyone loves him...yes.
It's a f'd up way to live and you just want to shout the truth to the world. To see it all fall down around him. I'd love my AH's parents to see my husband bombed out of his mind and acting like a complete a-hole. But you know what? A few months ago it actually happened. AH fell into our koi pond face first and his parents had to come help me get him out. They didn't care. Nothing changed. It's like you're screaming in a vacuum.
It's a f'd up way to live and you just want to shout the truth to the world. To see it all fall down around him. I'd love my AH's parents to see my husband bombed out of his mind and acting like a complete a-hole. But you know what? A few months ago it actually happened. AH fell into our koi pond face first and his parents had to come help me get him out. They didn't care. Nothing changed. It's like you're screaming in a vacuum.
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Also: The "I wish he was a falling-down drunk" is an excuse to not do anything. I used to say to myself "I wish he would actually beat me, because then I would know he's abusive and I'd be able to leave." It is so hard when the abusive behavior doesn't leave visible marks. And the mind games make you doubt whether it really is as bad as you think it is.
Let me tell you: When he starts falling down drunk, or beats you -- you'll find another excuse why it was just temporary and he'll never do it again... because that's what the disease of alcoholism does to those of us who live with the alcoholic.
These perspectives and experiences are really helping so much. Thank you all!
Let me tell you: When he starts falling down drunk, or beats you -- you'll find another excuse why it was just temporary and he'll never do it again... because that's what the disease of alcoholism does to those of us who live with the alcoholic.
These perspectives and experiences are really helping so much. Thank you all!
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 497
Originally Posted by lillamy
My ex was "high-functioning" until he wasn't. And, like someone told me, when they're not in a hands-on job (like construction) where the effects of their drinking is obvious, they get that much further down the drain before they crash.
My ex was a high-flyer. The kind that was interviewed on TV with some regularity. When he crashed, he lost his job, was convicted of a crime, and ended up friendless and living in squalor before he died.
Like SparkleKitty said: It's a stage, not a type. And it doesn't get better without them seeking recovery. The only thing I regret is that I didn't get out earlier.
Also: The "I wish he was a falling-down drunk" is an excuse to not do anything. I used to say to myself "I wish he would actually beat me, because then I would know he's abusive and I'd be able to leave." It is so hard when the abusive behavior doesn't leave visible marks. And the mind games make you doubt whether it really is as bad as you think it is.
Let me tell you: When he starts falling down drunk, or beats you -- you'll find another excuse why it was just temporary and he'll never do it again... because that's what the disease of alcoholism does to those of us who live with the alcoholic.
My ex was a high-flyer. The kind that was interviewed on TV with some regularity. When he crashed, he lost his job, was convicted of a crime, and ended up friendless and living in squalor before he died.
Like SparkleKitty said: It's a stage, not a type. And it doesn't get better without them seeking recovery. The only thing I regret is that I didn't get out earlier.
Also: The "I wish he was a falling-down drunk" is an excuse to not do anything. I used to say to myself "I wish he would actually beat me, because then I would know he's abusive and I'd be able to leave." It is so hard when the abusive behavior doesn't leave visible marks. And the mind games make you doubt whether it really is as bad as you think it is.
Let me tell you: When he starts falling down drunk, or beats you -- you'll find another excuse why it was just temporary and he'll never do it again... because that's what the disease of alcoholism does to those of us who live with the alcoholic.
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Awake.....I am wondering if you worry about having to "justify" yourself applies to close family members....or, the greater community...?
I really don't know about your particular situation....but, I know that a lot of people have gone to lengths to keep the alcoholism a secret...even from close friends and family....
Also, you might be surprised that people (in general)...the public...won't react like you think they would. People are pretty consumed with their own day to day lives and challenges, they don't pay that much attention to other people's lives....
And....almost everybody has had someone in their lives who is an alcoholic...
I really don't know about your particular situation....but, I know that a lot of people have gone to lengths to keep the alcoholism a secret...even from close friends and family....
Also, you might be surprised that people (in general)...the public...won't react like you think they would. People are pretty consumed with their own day to day lives and challenges, they don't pay that much attention to other people's lives....
And....almost everybody has had someone in their lives who is an alcoholic...
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Me too- 22 years to be exact.
The feeling of insanity was never far because my AH made/makes very good money, is highly thought of by the people he works with, friends and family who don't know the truth of what happens behind closed doors. He always gave his best when he had a captive audience but as soon as the doors closed, he was distant, isolating, judging, disconnected, angry and sad. The part that made me crazy was that he seemed to give the best of himself away to anyone and everyone except for the family of 3 he had at home waiting for him. He was capable he just didn't value us more than the strangers he was constantly trying to impress. He may "function" like that for the rest of his life, but he won't have an authentic, close loving relationship like the one the 3 that were left behind have created.
The feeling of insanity was never far because my AH made/makes very good money, is highly thought of by the people he works with, friends and family who don't know the truth of what happens behind closed doors. He always gave his best when he had a captive audience but as soon as the doors closed, he was distant, isolating, judging, disconnected, angry and sad. The part that made me crazy was that he seemed to give the best of himself away to anyone and everyone except for the family of 3 he had at home waiting for him. He was capable he just didn't value us more than the strangers he was constantly trying to impress. He may "function" like that for the rest of his life, but he won't have an authentic, close loving relationship like the one the 3 that were left behind have created.
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