fhl41

I was in such a weird place before I finally quit drinking again (five days sober). I was sober for 9 months the last time I was sober for any long period of time. It was fantastic! I mean don't get me wrong it was damn hard at first, but I joined AA because I am such an introvert I knew if I didn't do something to get me out of the house I would go crazy. I got a sponsor and I worked the steps. I learned so much about myself in the process. My mom was unfortunately dying of cancer so I started missing meetings because i had to care for her. I held off drinking though (most of the time). When she passed away in September my brother was in town and he is a big drinker so damnit I was going to drink and I had every excuse to do so. I will never forget the first time I woke up with a hangover during that time. This may sound really strange but I honestly felt like I was letting darkness enter my life again, it was a scary thought i will never forget it actually. But whatever I put it aside and continued with the drinking episodes. I thought i could control it this time.

Then came xmas and again my brother came to town and well damnit this was the first xmas without mom so I am going to drink whenever I want. And plus I can control this.

Well of course slowly it started consuming my thoughts most days and especially on the weekends, should I pick up a bottle of wine, who should i call to go out for drinks blah blah blah. Again it had a hold of me. I remember sitting there just staring into space asking my HP do i have a drinking problem? should i quit again?? No i don't have a problem I don't drink as much as other people, then it dawned on me, non alcoholics don't sit there contemplating if they have a drinking problem!!

Anyways I don't enjoy drinking anymore anyways because i know what life is like being sober and I miss it so much. Its like being in purgatory now when I drink.

PeacefulWater12

I found sobriety and working my recovery "ruined" drinking for me too.

Verdantia

Hey, flh--I get it; sustained sobriety certainly 'ruined' drinking for me as I know how good life can be without poisoning myself and then waking filled with guilt, shame and physical pain.
You are so correct that people without drinking problems don't obsess over alcohol and wonder if they've got an issue; if you think you have a problem you most likely do.
Great job on 5 days-- wishing you all the best on your sober journey.

Nonsensical

Welcome Back!

So true.

DarklingSong

Thank you for articulating something I couldn't quite make sense of.......Since I started to try and quit (six months sober, drank five days, 24 days sober, drank 1 night- now 14 days sober) the drinking has been a miserable, shame filled experience. Once you have seen the other side, its impossible to 'enjoy' it any more. I suppose thats a very good thing!
Best wishes

entropy1964

so damnit I was going to drink and I had every excuse to do so.
Or so our addiction says. But in reality, there is no reason to drink, none. I drink because I'm an alcoholic. The rest is just a rationalization/justification. At least that is true for me. There will always be life....the ups and the downs. Tragedy and trauma. Unfortunately that just happens. Learning to cope is the only way.

Good on you for stopping.

Ken0331

There's a saying in the rooms of AA -

"A headful of AA and a belly full of booze don't sit well together."

Yeah, a good stretch of sobriety really kills drinking, doesn't it? Just use what you learned about yourself from this experience and begin again.

BTW, your "I deserve this - to get drunk," really reminds me of that old Bill Cosby "Himself" skit:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uNRzq-DcDzg

Change4good

Thank you for this. For me, it was a matter of not "unknowing" what I knew, or unlearning what I had learned.

As you and others have said, once you see the other side, drinking is an entirely different experience.

fhl41

Now is especially difficult because I feel incredibly alone now without my mom because she was my best friend, i was drinking to escape the feelings but I've decided I need to grieve without drinking or I will never get through this. I have always run from my feelings with numbing out with the alcohol. One day at a time though.

fhl41

It was just a dumb excuse, now I see that. My mind will tell me anything so that i will drink at times.

DontRemember

That's how I got after multiple half assed attempts at quitting. It wasn't until I went to AA and stopped thinking of drinking as something special did I quit. I haven't worked the steps,but it put alcohol in a new light for me.

fhl41

you are so right, it is NOT anything special, quite the opposite actually. To me it kills my spirit.

Ken0331

When I drank the way Ken wants to drink, it took my spirit and soul to a very deep, dark, lonely, isolated, hopeless place. And I continued to feel that way even after I'd stopped for several days.

And they call alcohol a depressant . . .

Hevyn

fhl - You've learned something so valuable through all of this. I had to come to the same conclusion before I was ready to stay quit. You're right about grieving - we must allow ourselves to feel the pain. Masking it by getting numb just prolongs the process. I wish I had back all the years I spent numbing myself against feelings of all types - I didn't mature or grow the way I needed to.

You're also right about it being a spirit killer - and a soul destroyer, if we let it. I was nearly there. I'm so glad we know better now.