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Sober, but I have a strange anxiety...

Old 02-02-2018, 06:01 AM
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Sober, but I have a strange anxiety...

This is really long, sorry, but I just want to talk....

So I haven’t had a sip of alcohol since Jan 19. It hasn’t been too easy, but I’m not really struggling. I told all my friends and family “I am not going to drink less and I don’t want to drink less, I am going to stop forever.” So maybe that declaration helped make it stick for these past days.

But I’m worried. And I want to talk. I hope that’s okay. It’s kind of a weird worry and it has to do with a girl, and I have to explain it. Sorry if this is long and rambling and kind of pointless, but you’ve been warned.

I first posted here about how I embarrassed myself and said some very hurtful things to a girl I liked (who was also a good friend) while I was drunk. I tried to link to it but it wouldn’t let me.

So since then, the girl who rejected me has been the most supportive of friends. She graduated from law school and is studying for her BAR exam at the end of this month, so she can become a practicing lawyer. I’ve been going over to her place every few days and pretty much sitting with her and helping her study (timing her, making sure she doesn’t get distracted, encouraging her, she says it helps).

So a couple of days ago, we are talking about law stuff, mostly her just telling me about it, when she goes “I think you would really like constitional law.... why don’t you apply for law school?” And I’m immediately thinking like “Me? Law school?? Me???” I tell her my grades were terrible, that no law school would ever accept someone like me. I tell her it’s impossible. She tells me her grades were bad too, she tells me that she knows how I think, and that if I practiced I could ace the LSAT and that would make up for my poor grades, she tells me that since 8 years have passed since I received my degree it would seem distant compared to a recent LSAT, she tells me they would like that I had a degree in Philosophy, that I could for sure get into at least a lower tier law school (like she did), she tells me that the school she went to is cheap (relatively speaking), she basically tells me a lot of things. She tells me I would make a excellent professor at a law school one day. She looks up LSAT dates for me and I start to get excited. Actually, I get really excited. For the past dozen years or so, no one has ever believed in me before. Not like that.

I go home full of hope and happy thoughts, thinking, if I was drinking every day I couldn’t do it, but now maybe I can. I am filled with gratitude towards my friend, I even tell her “I’m so glad I decided to come sit with you today.” And I meant it. She replied “everything happens for a reason.” I have not felt this giddy in the longest time. At that moment I don’t care that she doesn’t feel the same way towards me that I feel for her, I absolutely love her with a pure grateful love, because she gave me a goal and a hope, for something I kind of always wanted but never let myself wish for or dwell on it because I thought it could never happen.

But of course, worry crops up. I can’t remember my GPA. It’s been 8yrs since I graduated. I frantically look around for a transcript, but only find the first page. I finally manage to log in to my university’s website and look at my GPA. It’s bad. Like much worse than I thought. I feel my heart sinking. I want to drink and just pass out. It’s hopeless, I got my hopes all up for nothing, just more wishful thinking, I hate myself for even thinking I deserved a shot at this. My self-loathing is extreme.

But I don’t drink, I call her, trying to control any trembling in my voice. “I’m so sorry to bother you, I know you’re studying, but I just looked at my GPA and it’s bad.” We talk it about it. She is absolutely unwavering, adamant that i cannot give up, that I have to try, that while my GPA was low, it wasn’t a lost cause. She sends me a bunch of texts telling me not to give up, that all this means is I have to study that much harder for the LSAT. She tells me she will take me to meet the dean of her Law School after she takes the BAR, that she will put in a good word for me and ask him what I need to do to get accepted, and she absolutely refuses to believe that It is impossible.

I google “can I get into law school with a GPA of...” and I find that the vast majority of answers say, exactly what she told me, “yes, with a high LSAT, it’s certainly possible.”

I am filled with hope again. I’m going to go get my picture taken today so I can register for the June LSAT, then I’m going to go buy some Prep Books and maybe sign up for a course. There’s no memorization needed for the LSAT, but studying helps improve your speed for the logic questions.

So why am I worried. Oddly, I am no longer worried about the LSAT or my future. I’m worried about the girl. Or rather, my feelings about the girl. I’ve become almost dependent on her. And maybe that would be ok, sometimes you need to lean on people, except that I still have feelings for her, and they’ve only grown stronger after this recent stuff. And I know she doesn’t like me the way i like her, and I thought I was ok with that. I thought I know myself and I know my triggers, I even told her “you know I have feelings for you, it’ll take some time for them to leave, but please don’t ever mention anything to me about hooking up with anyone, as it will make me want to drink.”
She said “nooo! Nothing at all like that is going on! I’m at home studying all day!”

But in the past, it’s made me want to drink before. It’s a major trigger for me. One of the big ones.
I’m not sure if it’s appropriate to say this sort of thing, but something that affected me deeply was when I asked her about the time she said some guy slept with her and then never called her back and she replied “which one?” I don’t know why it hurt me so much. I tried to make heads or tails of it and I just can’t. God, it still hurts, it even hurt to type it out, and I don’t know why it hurts so much, it’s so simple, just two words “which one?” But I keep replaying it over and over in my head and it hurts everytime, it’s not jealousy, it’s something else something worse. It’s like, kind of anger, but not at the guys in question, at her, but it’s not envy either, it’s, I don’t know. But I do know that it’s a trigger. Definitely.

But I’ve been ok with it now. Not the “which one?” comment, that will always hurt. But I could be happy being around her even knowing we would never be together. But then I realized, I was only really ok with it because she’s studying everyday for the bar and not going out and meeting guys. And I realized, that no matter what she didn’t tell me, I would still imagine it happening. And it would tear at me.

But it’s like I need her now. I haven’t felt this excited for something in the longest time. And she is one of the few people in my life who does not insult me and bring me down and make me feel like I’m worthless all the time, even after all my screw ups. She lifts me up and encourages me, and I need that.

I’m also worried she’s gonna slip up. Or she’ll forget. Or she’ll think I’m over it. Or I’ll think I’m over it and ask. Or she’ll say something she would never consider seriously harms me, like really, “which one?” It’s like just two words, it’s all it takes and stays with me forever, cutting me every time I think about it and she doesn’t realize it.

I don’t know. This is too long. I know. I’m sorry. But I just needed to share. I don’t know what will happen after this month. I’m worried I’m going to get depressed and want to drink again. Maybe my feelings for her will die. Maybe I’ll start to see her as just a friend. It’s happened before. I’ve fallen for girls before and then just fallen out of that feeling. I’m really hoping that will happen. I’m trying to force it, sometimes it works, but then she goes out of her way to do something really nice for me and I fall for her all over again. I’m so confused.
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Old 02-02-2018, 06:19 AM
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Did you ever get drunk when you had a good relationship going in the past?
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Old 02-02-2018, 06:29 AM
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Originally Posted by Gottalife View Post
Did you ever get drunk when you had a good relationship going in the past?
Wow. That is a powerful thought. I did have a relationship with a girl who loved me deeply before. And she was like, hot hot, like she could be a model. I’m not bragging, to this day I still have no idea what she liked about me. It was like a fluke or something. But I would actually ditch her to go drink by myself sometimes. Often, actually.

I guess alcoholics will always come up with reasons to drink. I suppose I’m just trying to prep myself so when the trigger eventually comes by, I’ve already processed it, and it won’t just hit me like a train or something.
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Old 02-02-2018, 07:03 AM
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Thanks for your post I can say that I went back to law school as a mature student here in Ireland, and did not even get me leaving cert. I left school at 16 without completing secondary school your equivalent to senior high and I quit drinking got various diplomas and applied for a place at university studying law not only did I get accepted, I studied hard stayed sober for 18 months and passed every single exam and a lot with top grades and I also meet some amazing people and some nice girls. So I would say go for the law school application and if you want it bad enough you will find a way but first things first you have to stay sober it must be your first priority without it I know I could not have got through law school,I have my BA in civil Law and am back at day 6 of no alcohol and am due to sit bar exam in 8 months but only if I can stay abstinent from alcohol.You can do it my friend we are all in this together "we can get by with a little help from our friends"
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Old 02-02-2018, 07:05 AM
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I've been in your shoes, I'm on day 5 today with no drinking, after slip up after slip this past year allot of it based on my sometimes neurotic feelings about men and relationships I've decided i can't be in a relationship or anything that resembles a relationship that will trigger those thoughts. These thoughts will always lead me to drink, always. I can't risk my sobriety or my health.

I heard a quote the other day that resonated with me "You need to get right with God on how wonderful you are before you meet someone who says you're wonderful otherwise you won't believe them" because when I am drinking my self esteem is shot, well actually I have no self esteem regardless which is why I drank in the first place.

I have no chance with anybody that will treat me decent right now because I will never feel worthy with them which in turn causes my anxiety and frantic thoughts about them etc.

The ONLY way I am going to get right with my HP is not to drink. I have to do this for me and me alone. I honestly believe that once I get a handle on my sobriety I may actually like what I see in the mirror, I have been sober in the past and I do recall how much better I felt about myself and how much I lived in my truth. The key is I need to have patience, something I need to learn more of. It makes me very impatient though lol.

I am writing this to help myself more than anything, I hope it helps you too.
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Old 02-02-2018, 07:12 AM
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I hope that you start to believe in yourself. Yes, sometimes we must lean on other people, but ultimately, you can tackle law school if you believe in yourself.
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Old 02-02-2018, 03:31 PM
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The law school thing kinda sounds more like her idea than yours to me MisterA?

If I'm wrong, great but if I'm not...

I've done many things to try and impress a girl or 'get' her to like me.

None of it worked out long term.

The other thing is - you're really early recovery man - you got a head full of 'stuff'...I really believe you need your head full of recovery for a while.

I was one hot mess when I quit - I was sober but I was still looking for something, anything, to fill the void in me.

A few months on with some sober time and some deep introspection, I felt a lot more complete in myself and much less desperate for love.

It's meant a world of difference to my relationships since then

D
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Old 02-02-2018, 06:43 PM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
The law school thing kinda sounds more like her idea than yours to me MisterA?

If I'm wrong, great but if I'm not...

I've done many things to try and impress a girl or 'get' her to like me.

None of it worked out long term.
D
Ya, I can see how it would seem that way. The truth is, after I graduated, I pretty much bounced from one bs job to the next. All my previous classmates were attending graduate schools and getting their masters and I felt like that was impossible for me because of my low GPA. I didn’t even bother looking at any graduate schools, I just assumed I was an automatic rejection. My dad is a heart surgeon and my mother is a doctor of internal medicine. I always felt like I screwed up.

Law school thing WAS her idea, primary because I never thought it was possible. Someone telling me I should look into law school was like someone telling me I should look into being an astronaut or something. I was under the mistaken impression that you had to have a 3+ GPA to even be considered for any of those schools. But I’ve always liked the idea of law. I like thinking about law. I can’t talk about law as much as I would want to because you have to be a lawyer to do that. Whenever I heard about one of my friends going to law school I always thought “I wish I had better grades...” but I never dwelt on it, because it seemed so far from reach. It was just something I could watch other people do, like watching sports players at a game or something. So when she gave me the idea that it was not actually impossible, it did open up a whole new perspective for me. And when I looked it up later and found out she was right, it was indeed not impossible, well damn. I’ve decided. I’ve already registered for the June LSAT anyway.

But although, it is true I do find myself trying to do things to impress her, all the damn time, even though I know for a fact it won’t work. In my experience, if a girl isn’t romantically interested in you, she will never be romantically interesting in you, and nothing you do can change that. And yet I do still find myself wanting to impress her. Pointless, I know.

But the law school thing isn’t one of things.

Edit: and thanks for all the other replies. They all helped.
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Old 02-02-2018, 06:43 PM
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Originally Posted by MisterA View Post
Wow. That is a powerful thought. I did have a relationship with a girl who loved me deeply before. And she was like, hot hot, like she could be a model. I’m not bragging, to this day I still have no idea what she liked about me. It was like a fluke or something. But I would actually ditch her to go drink by myself sometimes. Often, actually.

I guess alcoholics will always come up with reasons to drink. I suppose I’m just trying to prep myself so when the trigger eventually comes by, I’ve already processed it, and it won’t just hit me like a train or something.
Great insight Mister A. A guy did a bit of a “hands up” survey in an AA workshop one time. Hands up if you drank when you had good relationship, bad relationship, good job, great job, bad job, no job, happy, sad, good day, bad day, ordinary day, tragedy, joyous occasion, lotsa money, no money etc.

Most hands went up for most of those things. The point being that external circumstances are not the issue. It’s an inside job.
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Old 02-02-2018, 06:49 PM
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No worries then - hope you get in - a lot of my friends did law - not all of them made it through but they all found it worthwhile

And yeah - there will be other women who want the same things you do...when the time is right
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