ashley12

So... long story short. ABF is in rehab (been there for 4 months) we have a 5 year old together. I live with my parents in a single family home, and our child doesnt know what is going on with his father nor does he ask. He is happy, healthy, and getting lots of love from my family. Anyways, abf and I got into a little fight over the phone. I was telling him my feelings on something and he completely shut me off and said my feelings are wrong and don't matter. Then I told him, if this was him he would want me to listen to what he has to say instead of shutting him out..he goes on and says I'm trying to fight with him which I wasn't, I just wanted to express my feelings just like he is able to do everyday in rehab. I told him I feel like I'm not able to talk to him without him getting mad, or thinking it's a fight.. and that if we continued to go in this direction then we might need to take some space from each other and go our seperate ways until he is finished with his recovery program. That way he can focus on him and I can focus on what I need to do. He then tells me "Thanks for telling me how you really feel you don't want me i understand now you made some really great points" and I told him those words never came out of my mouth and I repeated what I had originally said. He said that I'm just another person in is life that has left him ... I never even told him that though! I then told him I can't continue to go through these mind games and feel like im walking on eggshells with him, it's so draining .. and then he says I just want everyone to gooooo and leave me alone f*ck i just want to die and everyone's life will be easier. He said "They diagnosed me with depression in here and idgaf anymore I'm don't want to live any more just go and save yourself !! Everyone left me now you I'm used to this it's cool"...and i told him I will back away then. I didn't know what else to say.. and he said yes just go.... so I don't know anymore... is this just his way of trying to get his way or? I don't know how someone could say something like that knowing they have a child... this just really hurts me but at the same time makes me realize he is far from being recovered and I can't take this load on my back. I just don't know why he would threaten me with him dying ..

FeelingGreat

Hi Ashley, firstly it seems obvious he's in mental turmoil. He's not capable of listening or hearing you. He doesn't seem to have learned anything about having a constructive discussion about a relationship, and takes your feelings as an attack on him personally. There's also a lot of emotional blackmail going on there.

I think you're right to back off for now and let the rehab stabilise his depression if they can. Chances are he will recover, especially if he stays off the alcohol when he comes out. I would suggest you contact the rehab and say he's talking about suicide so they have a heads up. They should be able to evaluate whether he's serious or not, and at least they'll have an insight into what's in his head.

He will eventually contact you as you have a child together and I hope he will be in a better frame of mind. For the moment he wants some space, and I hope you can respect that. If you crowd him he'll push back even harder.

Sleepyhollo

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this but there is really nothing you can do short of contacting his counselor/rehab and letting them know what is going on. It doesn't seem like rehab has done much for him so far. Is he there willingly? After 4 months he should've made some progress and not be so manipulative anymore and should no longer say at that point your feeling don't matter and what you're feeling is wrong. My RAH was in rehab for 90 days and it took him a good 7 weeks before he finally started getting some insight on how manipulative he was. After 90 days he was not where he is today after a year out of rehab but he had much improved. I'm surprised they just now diagnosed him with depression. h had a pretty thorough psych evaluation early on in rehab. Your BF is clearly still not thinking clearly. If he is inpatient I can't imagine he is drinking because they would've caught that. But he also does not seem to get much out of their counseling if he is still like that after 4 months. If he isn't there willingly that maybe why. He could be resisting but I would think at some point the rehab would see he isn't progressing and tell him it isn't doing him any good if he isn't participating. It sounds like he is still very manipulative and probably still a dry drunk which would explain he is still acting the way he is and not thinking rationally and still acting like an active alcoholic. Other than notifying his rehab of what he said about not caring anymore and wanting to die, there really isn't anything you can do and the best thing maybe to cut off contact for now so he can focus on himself. I didn't cut off all contact with my H but I stoped talking to him and once he was able to leave the campus in month 3 I would drop of my kid to go do something with him and not even visit. We would only talk by text about things concerning our kid. I really needed to do that to focus on me and let him focus on himself ratehr than him focusing on me. It is really hard but you have to do what is best for you and your kid. At some point you probably should tell him what is going on with his dad (that he is sick and needed to get special help...not the troubles between you two) . He may not be asking about it but more than likely he has thoughts about it and they may be far from the truth. He may be internalizing a lot. He probably knows something is going on and that it is a secret because no one talks about it and that may be why he has not asked. Just something to think about. You can keep it simple and just state facts. Short and to the point (age appropriate).
Take care of you, check out alanon if you haven't already done so, read codependent no more and watch the documentary pleasure unwoven. It explains addiction very well. Also, if they have a family week at rehab go to that. You will learn a lot about addiction and it focuses on the family and educating them on addition but also on how to take care of themselves. Also get individual counseling if you can. It has been a life saver for me and I'm not someone that is comfortable with a lot of pscyhobabble (there is a lot of good but it gets to be a little out there for me sometimes)
I'm glad you have your parents support. That is huge.

aliciagr

I dont think you did anything wrong Ashley so I wouldnt cast blame on yourself, even if the two of you did argue. When my husband was early in recovery there were times when he was very emotional, he also suffered from diagnosed depression, anxiety issues. Withdrawing substances, looking at life from a different perspective, thinking of the future and its challenges. There was just a lot for my husband to work through. We had some arguments, there were tears, there was a lot of sadness on his part at times. So based on my experience, I would say not to take this too seriously in terms of what it means for you as a couple, or his feelings about the child you have together. If there is a pattern of emotional instability then possible you could speak to someone at the rehab facility and express your concerns. Nothing wrong with this.

From what you posted, it didnt really sound like he was threatening his own life or anything, and I assume he has quality care at the rehab? It just sounded to me like he was upset, down, and sort of wanting to isolate himself.

I would just breathe and think of these ups and downs as part of the overall process of recovery. If this is deeply affecting you, or it gets to that point then for your own peace of mind what you suggested about stepping back and giving space to each other might be best. Constant emotions can wreck havoc on family too. Interactions with my husband were best when I was calm and centered, even if he wasnt.

Ladybird579

My exah has been in residential rehab many times and not learnt one thing about himself and how much he lies to himself and everyone around him so your abf being like that with regards to manipulating you after 4 months is probably cos the rehab is not very good or he is closed off to learning and working on himself..or maybe a bit of both. Or he may just feel overwhelmed and sad and not able to articulate how he feels in a constructive way yet so was sounding off. Early recovery is very, very hard for addicts. Each time my exah was in my sons never contacted him at all for the first 5 months. He had no head space for them. I think your abf has no head space for you. It seems unfair but he can't listen to your problems and keep on track. Alcoholism is selfish and so is recovery. He has to focus on himself. I'd suggest you focus on yourself and leave him be and see how things pan out.

tomsteve

ashley, ill reply to this from personal experience of being the drunk

is this just his way of trying to get his way
its a pity party and hes trying to get people to attend.hes trying to manipulate.probably something he has been doing long before going to rehab, but maybe in different ways:


he's been in rehab 4 months- the reaction could have been something he has said similarly before he went to rehab. it could have been a knee jerk reaction- he was having feelings/emotions surface he hasnt dealt with or learned new ways of reacting yet.
the reaction could be because he isnt honest with the staff there, he might not be working on himself, a couple other reasons,too.

what i suggest is keep YOUR boundaries. if hes still getting mad every time you talk, theres something amiss after 4 months.
idk if its proper or acceptable, but maybe talk to the person in charge of his case at the rehab- tell them what happens during communication- ask them how hes doing? like i said, i dont know if thats proper or not.

but keep your boundaries. if ya dont have any, get em.

Sleepyhollo

idk if its proper or acceptable, but maybe talk to the person in charge of his case at the rehab- tell them what happens during communication- ask them how hes doing? like i said, i dont know if thats proper or not.

When RAH was in rehab and being a manipulative a** I emailed his counselor a few times and it always welcomed it and was helpful. It also gives them insight to the other side so to speak. So I don't think it would be frowned upon

Smarie78

He use to do this a lot. It made me feel like a hostage. It scared me. That not only could I not control the drinking that was going to kill him if he didn’t stop, but now I couldn’t keep him alive outside of the drink either. I hated the feeling. It’s very scary. Sometimes I think he did it to distract me away from being angry at the drinking, other times I really do believe he felt this way.
After a while when he said it I found I had no reaction. This may have been exhaustion over the years of playing out the same scene, or finally just accepting that I had ZERO control over him drinking or whether he lives. I just had to accept his choices and know that nothing I could do could save him. Spent years trying God knows.

LovePeaceSushi

Without reading anyone elses response, I am going to say he sounds like a child. This is his version of "nobody likes me, everybody hates me, guess I'll eat some worms". Don't take the bait.

Nata1980

Yep. Good ole “me against the world”. IMO - give rehab heads up that he is talking suicide - it should deter him from doing that in the future.

Best course of action is to tune the rambling out. You can get through this!