Mother Died, My Guilt hasn't though
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Join Date: Feb 2018
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Mother Died, My Guilt hasn't though
This my personal, lengthy, poorly written experience with my late alcoholic mother who died of alcoholism related causes.
My mother died November 2016. The day after Thanksgiving. At the beginning of that month she had her first hospitalization due to cirrhosis. She left the hospital against orders and in a couple of days she suffered a stroke that left her unable to speak and write. She got a little better though and was sent home. Her level of cirrhosis was at the end stages. A couple of days later she went back to the hospital because she was in a lot of pain from her legs and she was getting more and more confused because of the Encephalopathy. The ER doc was going to send her home with some antibiotics because they she had an infection. A family friend who was a doctor at that hospital called the hospital and asked them to not send her home. She died there 5 days later. We knew her time would come soon as we could hear the death rattle coming from her as she slept. She was also seeing my late grandmother in the room with us. She was receiving a plasma transfusion when she starting having a coughing fit and began seizing. I panicked and couldn't be in the room. My 2 sisters stayed with her. They called me in and told me she had died.
I had humble beginnings. My dad was a landscaper and my mom was a nurse. We were happy. I was 5 when my older sister and I learned that we were getting a baby sister. She was born and that same year my parents had won the lottery. I don't remember the exact amount but it was in the millions. It seemed like we had it all. A big house. Financial stability. Expensive vacations. My mom had a gastric bypass when I was in 4th grade. There were complications in the procedure and she was hospitalized for about 2 months. It was a long recovery. I believe that her addiction to food was replaced by alcohol.
The first recollection I have of my mom being drunk was when I was 12 and she came home from a charity auction and she bought me a skateboard. I was so excited but I noticed mom was acting strange. I started crying and told her that I didn't like when she was drunk because it was scary. She asked me "why honey?" and I told her "you're not you when you're drunk."
From then on things got worse. She had several failed business ventures and our financial situation worsened. We couldn't keep up with payments and we lost one of our houses and had to move to our vacation house which was 45 minutes away from where me and my sisters went to school. I was almost finished with High School at the time. One of my moms business partners (who was also her cousin-who was like her sister) had decided to cut my mom out of her life due to her drinking. That was a devastation for my mom. Her cousin tried rehabbing my mom on her own- she didnt let her contact us and she was watching her for a whole month. She relapsed after that. That, and the guilt from our financial situation. The family was falling apart. So many traumatic screaming fights and attempts to make her understand that her drinking was an issue-- but it just got worse.
I was a senior in high school when she first told me that she was so depressed that she wanted to die. And that she thought of ways of how she could die. There is no feeling like the helplessness you feel when you want your alcoholic loved one to get better and to find their happiness. She told me in a drunken slur, "I lost it. I don't know where it went." That same year my grandmother died of cancer. The diagnosis was sudden and her time left was short. It sounds awful but when that was happening, I was more concerned with mom and what this would do to her. It did make things worse.
The week before my high school graduation, my mom stumbled and fell on her face which left it badly bruised. She was so ridden with guilt and the shame of her face that she did not attend my graduation. I tried to assure her that it was okay and to please not feel guilty. The only thing on my mind was for her to get better. After I graduated I suffered my own mental health issues. I had a breakdown and was hospitalized. I remember thinking, Okay maybe this will scare my mom into getting sober. I was foolish.
Flash forward to 2016, my moms 11 year old dog had just died and my mom was in a bad place. She had binged and I hadn't spoken to her in about a month. In the summer she got sober and went through her "Im pumped and I'm gonna get better phase." She had her yearly doctors checkup was excited because everything was normal. She had sent my sisters and I long email about her results. Then we didnt talk to her for about 2 months. She was bingeing. I was so angry because I was offered a new job and wanted to get her advice whether to take it or not. I sent her angry texts telling her I wish I had a mom to talk to. I wanted her to feel guilty.
She got sober and I came over to visit her. She looked awful. Skin and bones. We chatted for awhile and I left. The next day I called her and she wasn't putting words together correctly. I left work and rushed her to the ER. I knew I didn't have much more time with my mother.
Each hospital visit was a roller coaster of emotions. I describe it this way because her condition would get worse- to the point of chaplains visiting her, conversations regarding her affairs being in order, hospice- then her condition would improve and we naively thought: she's gonna pull through and she's gonna recover! Then back to: she could die any day now.
It was a month of torture and stress in addition to knowing my mother was dying.--asking myself, "Okay..you have to think of things to ask her, your mom...because pretty soon, you wont be able to. So think quickly!"
My sisters and I are lucky though. We got to say good bye to her. We had the opportunity to tell her that she is forgiven for everything. And that we know she loved us. We told her everything that we wanted to tell her. We told her it isn't her fault. It was so hard. She was still so guilty. She sobbed and told us sorry over and over. "I just thought I had more time with you all." I can hear that in my head over and over again. It breaks me a little more every time I replay it.
Years before her death there was a moment that I try to remind myself of. One of the many times I would come into her room to see if she was still breathing, I found her waking up from a long binge. She started crying and I was sitting with her. She said to me "what ever happens to me, please don't ever blame yourself and think there was anything you could do. What ever happens to me is because of me and the choices I made."
Some days this works for me. Other days I feel this is no consolation to an adult child of an addict and the guilt they feel. Why? She is no longer in pain. She no longer sick. I no longer have the stress of wondering what pain she is dealing with this week. Yet I still look at pictures of her sweet face and think I failed her. She gave me life and raised me. And I couldn't help her with this sickness at all.
Why do I still think its mine and my family's fault for not trying harder to get her sober? We were so ill equipped to know how to be and what to be for an alcoholic. Were we enablers? Were we killing her faster? She fought, and fought..and fought some more. And for what? To die? Life is ugly.
My mother died November 2016. The day after Thanksgiving. At the beginning of that month she had her first hospitalization due to cirrhosis. She left the hospital against orders and in a couple of days she suffered a stroke that left her unable to speak and write. She got a little better though and was sent home. Her level of cirrhosis was at the end stages. A couple of days later she went back to the hospital because she was in a lot of pain from her legs and she was getting more and more confused because of the Encephalopathy. The ER doc was going to send her home with some antibiotics because they she had an infection. A family friend who was a doctor at that hospital called the hospital and asked them to not send her home. She died there 5 days later. We knew her time would come soon as we could hear the death rattle coming from her as she slept. She was also seeing my late grandmother in the room with us. She was receiving a plasma transfusion when she starting having a coughing fit and began seizing. I panicked and couldn't be in the room. My 2 sisters stayed with her. They called me in and told me she had died.
I had humble beginnings. My dad was a landscaper and my mom was a nurse. We were happy. I was 5 when my older sister and I learned that we were getting a baby sister. She was born and that same year my parents had won the lottery. I don't remember the exact amount but it was in the millions. It seemed like we had it all. A big house. Financial stability. Expensive vacations. My mom had a gastric bypass when I was in 4th grade. There were complications in the procedure and she was hospitalized for about 2 months. It was a long recovery. I believe that her addiction to food was replaced by alcohol.
The first recollection I have of my mom being drunk was when I was 12 and she came home from a charity auction and she bought me a skateboard. I was so excited but I noticed mom was acting strange. I started crying and told her that I didn't like when she was drunk because it was scary. She asked me "why honey?" and I told her "you're not you when you're drunk."
From then on things got worse. She had several failed business ventures and our financial situation worsened. We couldn't keep up with payments and we lost one of our houses and had to move to our vacation house which was 45 minutes away from where me and my sisters went to school. I was almost finished with High School at the time. One of my moms business partners (who was also her cousin-who was like her sister) had decided to cut my mom out of her life due to her drinking. That was a devastation for my mom. Her cousin tried rehabbing my mom on her own- she didnt let her contact us and she was watching her for a whole month. She relapsed after that. That, and the guilt from our financial situation. The family was falling apart. So many traumatic screaming fights and attempts to make her understand that her drinking was an issue-- but it just got worse.
I was a senior in high school when she first told me that she was so depressed that she wanted to die. And that she thought of ways of how she could die. There is no feeling like the helplessness you feel when you want your alcoholic loved one to get better and to find their happiness. She told me in a drunken slur, "I lost it. I don't know where it went." That same year my grandmother died of cancer. The diagnosis was sudden and her time left was short. It sounds awful but when that was happening, I was more concerned with mom and what this would do to her. It did make things worse.
The week before my high school graduation, my mom stumbled and fell on her face which left it badly bruised. She was so ridden with guilt and the shame of her face that she did not attend my graduation. I tried to assure her that it was okay and to please not feel guilty. The only thing on my mind was for her to get better. After I graduated I suffered my own mental health issues. I had a breakdown and was hospitalized. I remember thinking, Okay maybe this will scare my mom into getting sober. I was foolish.
Flash forward to 2016, my moms 11 year old dog had just died and my mom was in a bad place. She had binged and I hadn't spoken to her in about a month. In the summer she got sober and went through her "Im pumped and I'm gonna get better phase." She had her yearly doctors checkup was excited because everything was normal. She had sent my sisters and I long email about her results. Then we didnt talk to her for about 2 months. She was bingeing. I was so angry because I was offered a new job and wanted to get her advice whether to take it or not. I sent her angry texts telling her I wish I had a mom to talk to. I wanted her to feel guilty.
She got sober and I came over to visit her. She looked awful. Skin and bones. We chatted for awhile and I left. The next day I called her and she wasn't putting words together correctly. I left work and rushed her to the ER. I knew I didn't have much more time with my mother.
Each hospital visit was a roller coaster of emotions. I describe it this way because her condition would get worse- to the point of chaplains visiting her, conversations regarding her affairs being in order, hospice- then her condition would improve and we naively thought: she's gonna pull through and she's gonna recover! Then back to: she could die any day now.
It was a month of torture and stress in addition to knowing my mother was dying.--asking myself, "Okay..you have to think of things to ask her, your mom...because pretty soon, you wont be able to. So think quickly!"
My sisters and I are lucky though. We got to say good bye to her. We had the opportunity to tell her that she is forgiven for everything. And that we know she loved us. We told her everything that we wanted to tell her. We told her it isn't her fault. It was so hard. She was still so guilty. She sobbed and told us sorry over and over. "I just thought I had more time with you all." I can hear that in my head over and over again. It breaks me a little more every time I replay it.
Years before her death there was a moment that I try to remind myself of. One of the many times I would come into her room to see if she was still breathing, I found her waking up from a long binge. She started crying and I was sitting with her. She said to me "what ever happens to me, please don't ever blame yourself and think there was anything you could do. What ever happens to me is because of me and the choices I made."
Some days this works for me. Other days I feel this is no consolation to an adult child of an addict and the guilt they feel. Why? She is no longer in pain. She no longer sick. I no longer have the stress of wondering what pain she is dealing with this week. Yet I still look at pictures of her sweet face and think I failed her. She gave me life and raised me. And I couldn't help her with this sickness at all.
Why do I still think its mine and my family's fault for not trying harder to get her sober? We were so ill equipped to know how to be and what to be for an alcoholic. Were we enablers? Were we killing her faster? She fought, and fought..and fought some more. And for what? To die? Life is ugly.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,468
Wow, I am sorry for your loss.
Thank you for sharing.
Just know the statement she made to you is the absolute truth, that she did this and it had nothing to do with you. In order for an addict to get/be sober, they, themselves have to want to get and be sober. There is nothing more you could have done.
Blessing,
DC
Thank you for sharing.
Just know the statement she made to you is the absolute truth, that she did this and it had nothing to do with you. In order for an addict to get/be sober, they, themselves have to want to get and be sober. There is nothing more you could have done.
Blessing,
DC
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: ohio
Posts: 3,615
Snh,
Thank you for sharing. My mom died when I was a kid, so I never experienced what you had to go through. I learned of her addiction through her death. Found her body, days later found her alcohol and drugs. As the years passed I put other things together. Like how I almost always either woke myself up for school or my older brother woke me. How I used to go to my brothers room when I was ilI or scared, not my parents.
I couldn’t save her. I didn’t even know she needed saving until after it was too late.
Sorry I’m not sure what exactly I’m trying to say here, other than you are not alone. And my thoughts go out to you.
Thank you for sharing. My mom died when I was a kid, so I never experienced what you had to go through. I learned of her addiction through her death. Found her body, days later found her alcohol and drugs. As the years passed I put other things together. Like how I almost always either woke myself up for school or my older brother woke me. How I used to go to my brothers room when I was ilI or scared, not my parents.
I couldn’t save her. I didn’t even know she needed saving until after it was too late.
Sorry I’m not sure what exactly I’m trying to say here, other than you are not alone. And my thoughts go out to you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2022
Posts: 2
Thank you for sharing!
My mother just passed away from alcohol induced cirrhosis and the feelings you shared are identical to how I feel. Even though, when I think about it rationally, I know there isn't more I could have done, my emotions keep telling me that I didn't do enough and that I am a bad son. What you wrote about your mother giving you life and raising you is so true and also so devastating. It breaks my heart that I couldn't repay her for what she did for me. I keep hiding from my wife and crying. Im embarrassed by that too. As a man I know I shouldn't be crying, but I cant help it. I just feel like a worthless and weak person.
I want to hate her for doing this to herself, but I can't because she was such a loving person. She found out about the cirrhosis fairly early, and the doctors were positive about her chances of maintaining a good quality of life. But she kept drinking, even increased her consumption. I have two little daughters and they loved her. I kept asking her to stop for me and for them, but she never did. I would call daily and try my hardest to make her stop, I offered to pay for treatment, take her on a vacation, but she never did stop.
I hope the pain that I am feeling will subside with time.
I want to hate her for doing this to herself, but I can't because she was such a loving person. She found out about the cirrhosis fairly early, and the doctors were positive about her chances of maintaining a good quality of life. But she kept drinking, even increased her consumption. I have two little daughters and they loved her. I kept asking her to stop for me and for them, but she never did. I would call daily and try my hardest to make her stop, I offered to pay for treatment, take her on a vacation, but she never did stop.
I hope the pain that I am feeling will subside with time.
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 32,374
Kprice, I'm so sorry for this sad conclusion to your mother's battle.
Losing a parent is a great grief, especially in such sad circumstances.
If you can, let your wife and little ones know your honest feelings and sadness, as appropriate. The little girls will be sad too.
I hope you will find all the support you need.
Sincere sympathy to you.
Losing a parent is a great grief, especially in such sad circumstances.
If you can, let your wife and little ones know your honest feelings and sadness, as appropriate. The little girls will be sad too.
I hope you will find all the support you need.
Sincere sympathy to you.
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