BAW81

Has anyone seen that movie? It's from the late 90s with Gwyneth Paltrow and explores how her life would be if she makes a train and how her life would be if she missed the train, side by side.

I find myself thinking about that movie a lot lately and comparing it to my life. In my movie, I think about how life is for me right now and how my life might be had I never filed from divorce and stayed in my marriage.

While it has been over a year since I filed and numerous lows, sometimes I catch myself thinking "was it really worth it?" I am transported back into fantasy land of how I so desperately wanted my life to be. Images of family holidays, celebrations, BBQs, trips with friends, a family unit. The fantasy is so vivid and it brings tears to my eyes. Tears because I'm so angry everything turned out the way it did, sad because those memories will never happen, judge mental of myself for wanting those things so badly I never truly opened my eyes to the person I chose as my partner and if he was even capable, and then the worst of all, self doubt that maybe there was something more I could've done to help make those fantasies our reality....

BUT I KNOW...that thinking is wrong and unhealthy.

And something that helps me when I start getting the blues is to think about the moment I am in, i.e. 1)cuddling with my child or 2)playing with my child at the park or 3)enjoying a dinner party with friends, and imagine what those same experiences would have been like had I chosen NOT to file and we were still together.

I make myself imagine the REAL version of my STBXAH and not the fantasy version of my STBXAH and I realize...those experiences would be bad and feel yucky.

Scenario 1: I probably would be resentful that while I'm cuddling on the couch with our child, he was in the other room by himself drinking watching sports.

Scenario 2: I would most likely be at the park alone playing with our child anyway and he'd be home alone laying on the couch OR if he was there, he'd awkwardly stand there .OR on our way home from the park, he would want to stop for tobacco or alcohol

Scenario 3: I would be nervous to bring up the topic of a dinner party to him because a. he wouldn't want to go and I'd go alone. b. he wouldn't want to go but we'd go and he'd be awkward and want to leave early c. we would go and he would drink too much and embarrass me

Anyway, the conclusion I come to is that while leaving was/is/will be hard, staying wouldn't have been a happy life either. I want something he isn't capable of giving me and I don't believe I can give him what he ultimately wants either....If I had stayed, it would've only just delayed the inevitable and I am trying to find comfort knowing I didn't waste another ten years chasing a fantasy.

I have no idea if this post made sense to anyone else...but it felt good to share so that I can stay on track and not regress.

Ladybird579

I am transported back into fantasy land of how I so desperately wanted my life to be. Images of family holidays, celebrations, BBQs, trips with friends, a family unit. The fantasy is so vivid and it brings tears to my eyes. Tears because I'm so angry everything turned out the way it did, sad because those memories will never happen, judge mental of myself for wanting those things so badly I

I stayed with my now exah 20 years. We had the family times, the parties, the celebrations and the trips but he ruined every single one by drinking, being a misery while waiting to drink or hungover from drinking or not turning up and never, ever been present or engaged even if he was physically in the room, which he rarely was as he usually needed a "nap."

I still cry over the loss of my kids childhoods. It was all me trying to make it happen for them but I'd have been better off on my own with them as he brought nothing but debt and chaos to the table.

My daughter...the only one out of 4 of them who has a relationship with me now, came to see me today. She told me her other sisters have "stropped off" and one is refusing to let any of them see her baby...my grandson who I have never seen either...as they are all toxic in her eyes. None of them drink tho. The upshot of this has a massive knock on effect to me as my daughter told me in no uncertain terms she cannot take charge of my autistic son ( her brother)which was previously agreed, as she will be "as alone as I am." If I had left years previously we would not be having that conversation and our family would probably still be intact, not fragmented with no one speaking to each other. I must admit to being devastated and a bit afraid now. She was my only support and she withdrew it today. I don't blame her but I am sad she feels so alone herself. You are doing the right thing. I wish I had done it years ago.

BAW81

I am so sorry Ladybird. Sending you hugs.

Learning14

Yes, I just recently watched the movie again. It's good.

Wamama48

I am sorry you are hurting so much.
Both of my boys have mild Autism. That is a whole other full time job in itself. My heart goes out to you. My boys have done ok over time, my oldest is aware of his sensory needs and seeks them out when he needs them. My youngest still needs a lot of social coaching. He tends to be very intense. Would your daughter at the very least, be able to watch your son sometimes while you take a much needed break?

Sasha1972

BAW, it sounds like you are using a reality check in the best possible way - using your knowledge of the reality (your ex is an alcoholic) to keep the fantasies of the perfect family life in check (that perfect life was never going to happen - you have the life you have). I do the same thing: imagining a wonderful alternate universe for Kid in which she has two happy, devoted parents and is not being raised by a somewhat frazzled single mom. Then I remember that the happy-two-parent-home was never really an alternative - the only real alternative for Kid would have been growing up in a home with one parent who's an addict with undertreated mental illness and another parent who is tying herself in knots trying to compensate for the first one. Kid's real life with me is not perfect, but it's much better than what could have been.

I also take some comfort in knowing that I am modelling independence and responsibility for self and others for Kid - she will grow up knowing that she doesn't have to live with dysfunction and that she can choose her own health and well-being.

PeacefulWater12

A lovely film, I have seen it several times.

Thought provoking indeed.

BAW81

Sasha - Thank you SO much for your comment. I often look to your posts for guidance as I feel you are doing a model job of co-parenting with an A, seriously you inspire me.

Ladybird579

Would your daughter at the very least, be able to watch your son sometimes while you take a much needed break?

It's unlikely. She lives 2 hours on a train away now and is finishing uni in May and will have to get a job anywhere she can. She's primed me for the idea she will be going hundreds of miles away. I can leave my son with his twin for a few days at a time but we clash on when we want to go places now as he has a great social life. We are still negotiating August plans lol

honeypig

I am not a parent, but as someone who was a child in a VERY dysfunctional home, I feel really confident in asserting that the above is oh so true and SO important.

A few years ago, around Christmastime, I was listening to one of those awful morning talk shows that every radio station in the world seems to have. A listener had emailed in a question about how to handle the holiday and the associated traditions now that they were post divorce, regarding the kids, X and X's new SO. People were calling in with "answers" that were stupid, cruel, or a combination of the two (apparently thinking they were being funny, at least some of the time), and I was just about to turn off the show in disgust.

Then suddenly a woman came on and said "You know, you are just going to have to give up or change some of those traditions. It's just the way life is. And instead of feeling bad b/c you can't give your kids the exact same Christmas they've always had, feel GOOD b/c this is your opportunity to teach them about how to start over. Know that when they have to start over in life-and you KNOW they will, we all make mistakes--they will have learned from you that it can be done, and it's not the end of it all, but a new beginning."

I teared up, listening to her, and then thought "wow, the screeners didn't catch this one, they let a kind, intelligent, compassionate person onto the show!"

Again, as I say, I am not a parent, but I do applaud those of you who are bearing in mind that it is so much more important to teach your kids how to admit that things aren't right and how to go about making them right, than it is to teach them how to pretend and show a nice surface to the neighbors. If they have learned not to accept anything less than the full and complete truth, they will have an unfailing guide for the rest of their lives, or at least that's what I think.

lizatola

I've seen that movie and I remember having those same thoughts. Makes me want to see it again.

I could have written your post, probably word for word. My XAH was jealous and resentful of our son, didn't want to participate in things and when he did he was miserable and made the experience miserable as well. I stopped taking dinner party invitations a few years into our marriage, because he complained so much or made us leave early or made it clear he didn't want to be there. The frustration just wasn't worth it. I was married to him for 19 years.

It's been over 3 years since I asked for a divorce. I've had roller coasters of emotion in facing life on my own, being in a VERY different relationship with a new man today, and realizing just how much I still need my Al Anon program and need to continue growing and resolving issues from my past.

But, despite the pain and the turmoil I put myself through, I do find that I love my life today and I'm grateful I stepped out in faith. Happy to hear that you are, as well. HUGS

BAW81

Thank you so much for your post, Honeypig. I love what you heard on the radio from that person...I will tuck it away to remember when the hard days come.

I recently listened to the following Ted Talk and it was really interesting and impact and I think is in the same theme of that person's comment -https://www.facebook.com/susandavidphd/videos/10159946579040652/

I hope others enjoy it as well.

BAW81

Thank you, Lizatola!

OpheliaKatz

I really like that movie... I mean I liked that movie, but can't really watch it anymore because I also start thinking about what if. Except my "what if" isn't "what if he were sober", it's "what if I had never stuck with him all those years"... I could have met someone healthy and actually had children, which is now medically impossible for me to have. I suppose I should be thankful that I never had children, because sometimes people tell me that I should be thankful for that. However, I'm not. I also don't want to imagine my STBX saying, "you're welcome". I struggle with feelings of worthlessness... because I am not doing anything that makes the world a better place except for existing. Of course, millions of other people on this planet also just exist and are quite happy to do it. I am probably slightly depressed.

I've started to realize that whenever I did something that I found interesting (or useful, or was rewarded or acknowledged by other people for something I did), my ex would act really resentful... quietly resentful. I kind of think that if I had had children with him, he would have been a terrible father. Still, I had all the chaos of a marriage to an addict, without having built my own family out of it so that now that he's gone, it's just me... worrying about how to support myself now (I might have to re-train, which I don't have the funds for) and when I'm too old to work. So my regrets do not involve wanting to have had a life with him, but wanting to have never gotten involved with him. If I had not gotten involved, I would not miss this terrible selfish person, I would not be broke, I would not... blah, blah, blah. Better for me to forget the past... and think about what I'm going to do tomorrow.

OpheliaKatz

[I suppose if I had had children with him, I would complain about having done that... with him.] This is why I've stayed away from romantic dramadies since the break-up. I used to watch them a lot... guess romance was missing in my relationship (obviously). Last thing I watched lately was "The End of the F***ing World" and episodes of "The Good Place".

I have thought about this more. There are two words I don't want in relation to my ex: shared custody. So... it's just what it is.

Nata1980

Hugs to you, Ladybird. My 13 year old son has autism as well - and no siblings or extended family around.

If XAH relapses again - I will have no one to leave him overnight with (outside of sitters etc). I have to choose not to worry about these things and take them as they come

I can totally relate to how you feel as well - we all have “what if” moments. The trick is to get grounded and realize that there is nothing to it.

You will get through this.