Roseb123

Hello I am new to this form and this is my first post so I'm not sure if this is where I need to be. In any event I had a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend of over 1 year, we would travel back and forth to see each other. I knew he had a drinking problem but tried to stick it out with him. He would drink almost every weekend and I would either get phone calls or text messages with passive aggressive behavior. More recently when I was there to visit him we were at a show, sitting next to each other, he had only had a few drinks in him when apparently my knee had touched his leg a few times and that annoyed him, and he said so. The next night we were at an upscale restaurant having dinner and once again, apparently my knee hit his leg.... he reached under the table, grabbed my leg and shoved it twice away from his. When I asked him later what that was all about he said "your knee kept hitting my leg and it was annoying me"... at that point when he said this, he had a lot to drink. Once when he was sober and we went to the movies, he was annoyed that I was eating popcorn during the movie and told me so. He openly admits that he is not happy in life & hes mad at the world. Now Fast forward to a few days ago and he says he wants out of the relationship because HE hasn't been happy in a few months, claiming that he feels like he's doing things out of obligation for me rather than excitement and that's not right.... He blames me for a lot of the disagreements are arguments during the course of the relationship. I'm a happy person I have a good job, I have a nice home life, good family and friends support and he tells ME that I am the one who's not happy??All his friends that he hangs around with drink until they can't see straight. That's his way of life, that's his way of escaping his unhappiness yet I'm the one who is bringing him down. I can't wrap my head around him dumping someone like me. Has anybody here been dumped by an alcoholic boyfriend who claims that they are the problem and doesn't see their drinking as an issue? Of course I talked to a few of my friends, one who is a recovering alcoholic (and he is also my exboyfriend's close friend), who tells me that it's not me it's my ex bf, and whether or not he's drunk at the time when he says ridiculous things its still the effect of the alcohol because alcoholics personalities, even when they aren't drunk still are affected from the alcohol because they're NOT drinking. Huh?
Few weeks ago when he and I were together he admitted that he was anxious and on the edge but said once he got a beer in him he should be fine.
How can I feel good about myself when I've been dumped by an unhappy alcoholic man who doesn't have a good outlook on life?

Bird615

Welcome to SR, Rose!

If you go to the Family & Friends of Alcoholics forum, you'll find lots of stories and information there that'll tell you that maybe what happened is a good thing.

Someone like this is not relationship material.

What he did has very little to do with you and how you feel about yourself has nothing to do with him. In my case, I needed to look at myself to see why I would get involved with people like that.

biminiblue

The lesson I got from bad relationships was 1.) Thank God I got out with my sanity and/or my life. Dodged a bullet there. 2.) Take it very slowly when getting to know new people. It takes a long time.

doggonecarl

By not tying your self worth to the behaviors of a unhappy alcoholic man.

Anna

Welcome!

Breakups are always hard and usually take some time to get over. It sounds like the breakup is probably a good thing and that your boyfriend has some serious issues to work through. I hope that you find some peace.

ScottFromWI

It's really not possible to understand "Why" he did the things he did, other than that he's an addict, and addiction is a very selfish affliction. Your friends are right that it has nothing to do with you, it's his problem and his problem alone.

It is certainly not a pleasant situation, but for your own sake you need to move forward with your life. It is very common for addicts to try and blame other people for their own problems too - denial is a common characteristic of addiction as well.

noturningback2

honestly, you will look back and be thankful this happened. He is not at a point he wants to quit by sounds of it, so you would be having to endure hideous mood swings for however long, and walking on eggshells is not a fun way to live life. It will feel a bit rubbish for a while, but don't take it personally, the thoughts and actions of an addict make little to no sense. Move on and be happy

ChloeRose63

You deal with it by thanking the powers that be for giving you a blessing! You have dodged a bullet. Move on to a healthy life! Don't look back. Rejoice!

LBrain

Think of it like running out of a burning building before it crashes down and takes you with it.

FreeOwl

Well.... you could try recognizing that an alcoholic man who doesn't have a good outlook on life lacks the tools to be present in a caring relationship and therefore, you were less 'dumped' than just never actually in a relationship to begin with.

From there, you could move on to allowing yourself to grieve the loss of the good parts you felt the relationship offered....

From there, you could move on to acceptance of what is, and a focus on gratitude that you're not entangled in a co-dependent situation which would have been deeply unhealthy to continue.....

And from there, you could maintain a loving hope in your heart for him to heal and find his happiness, and get on with living yours.

It'll be OK.

Roseb123

Thank you

Roseb123

Thank you...

Roseb123

Thank you

Roseb123

Thank you. And the funny thing is I know it's a blessing, but it still bothers me, hurts. I did love him and I know he love me. 😢

Roseb123

Thank you. And yeah I found myself walking on eggshells a lot. He would pick the most ridiculous arguments with me. And now in the end, tells me that he's not happy and it's not working for him.

CaliButterfly

Yes, go to the friends and family forum. Honestly, he did you a HUGE favor. He treated you horribly drunk and sober and is on his way into an abyss of heavy daily alcoholism. And doggonecarl's statement is right on the money. Who you are is not defined by his opinion. Consider the source.

Roseb123

Thank you.