He doesn't tell me much
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 1
He doesn't tell me much
Hi there! I'm dating a someone who has been sober seven months. He was addicted to alcohol and cocaine. We have been dating almost 5 months.
When he first told me in the third date about having had past issues with alcohol I didn't think it was that much of an issue (I have no prior experience with this). On date five he gave me more info that he is living in a sober house and that his alcoholism was an issue. I stopped seeing him after that, but he pursued me and I gave in. Last week he revealed that he also goes to NA meetings when he previously told me that alcohol was his issue.
I ask him about his recovery, and he says he is on step 5 and goes to meetings 3 to 4 times a week. I ask him about his past and all he says is he partied too much and he didn't know how to say "no" to his friends. One day he got up, left his city without telling friends, changed his phone number and moved to a sober house.
Beyond that he tells me next to nothing. He says compared to others his issues aren't so bad. I feel like he minimizes everything so I don't know if he doesn't want to share things with me or if he isn't being realistic about his sobriety. He once told his sponsor that he will get sober and then go on vacation. That's how easy he thought it would be.
I care a lot about him but his lack of communicating to me about anything concerning his sobriety scares me. Part of me wants to walk away and another part of me wants to stay because of how kind and gentle he is. That's why I'm on this forum to learn and to ask for advice.
So far it's such a happy relationship, but some days like today I think a lot and hard about him and what I am potentially getting myself into.
When he first told me in the third date about having had past issues with alcohol I didn't think it was that much of an issue (I have no prior experience with this). On date five he gave me more info that he is living in a sober house and that his alcoholism was an issue. I stopped seeing him after that, but he pursued me and I gave in. Last week he revealed that he also goes to NA meetings when he previously told me that alcohol was his issue.
I ask him about his recovery, and he says he is on step 5 and goes to meetings 3 to 4 times a week. I ask him about his past and all he says is he partied too much and he didn't know how to say "no" to his friends. One day he got up, left his city without telling friends, changed his phone number and moved to a sober house.
Beyond that he tells me next to nothing. He says compared to others his issues aren't so bad. I feel like he minimizes everything so I don't know if he doesn't want to share things with me or if he isn't being realistic about his sobriety. He once told his sponsor that he will get sober and then go on vacation. That's how easy he thought it would be.
I care a lot about him but his lack of communicating to me about anything concerning his sobriety scares me. Part of me wants to walk away and another part of me wants to stay because of how kind and gentle he is. That's why I'm on this forum to learn and to ask for advice.
So far it's such a happy relationship, but some days like today I think a lot and hard about him and what I am potentially getting myself into.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome to SR LRCSX. It's difficult for addicts even themselves to understand their issues, much less explain them to others. It does sound like your friend is actually telling you quite a bit about his past and current work towards staying sober - what exactly is it you don't think he's telling you?
Addiction aside completely, trust is very important in any relationship. If you feel you don't trust this person ( for whatever reason ) that is probably not a good sign.
Addiction aside completely, trust is very important in any relationship. If you feel you don't trust this person ( for whatever reason ) that is probably not a good sign.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 219
LRCSX,
Addiction and recovery are very selfish.. they must focus on themselves... for him to even be in a relationship while recovering is risky as it distracts him for what must be his primary focus and also adds additional stresses.
Now having said that, being in a relationship with an addict, former or active, it will always be work for you in maintaining your health... emotionally and physically.. and it is a lifelong commitment (recovery is a lifelong journey... there is only one end to it). He will open up to you when he is ready, if ever, that will be his choice what he shares. You have to accept that, or you don't... but if you don't then time to cut the relationship off. There are many things he likely did that he is not proud of... shame and pride all are parts of what gets addicts in trouble and prevents them from seeking help. I know it did with my wife... and it prevented her from coming out with it all to me... she has told me much, and I am sure there is more to tell....
Educate yourself if this relationship is something you think you want to pursue. Attend al-anon/nar-anon meetings, do some reading/research, be involved in the forum, even support him by attending an open meeting with him. However, also educate yourself on codependancy and enabling behaviors.... I enabled my wife to further her addiction... something I am learning how to avoid in the future. You will find all this to be very tiring and time consuming... so it might be a gauge of what your relationship might be like at times.
Now, after you have done all that, if you choose to get into a relationship with him, tread slowly.. take your time... addiction is a lifelong disease.. there is no cure for it... he will always have to work it... and so will you.
Best wishes in your decision.
T
P.S. There is also no requirement that if you decide to hold off on the relationship part that you can not explore a friendship... addicts are mostly good people when sober...
Addiction and recovery are very selfish.. they must focus on themselves... for him to even be in a relationship while recovering is risky as it distracts him for what must be his primary focus and also adds additional stresses.
Now having said that, being in a relationship with an addict, former or active, it will always be work for you in maintaining your health... emotionally and physically.. and it is a lifelong commitment (recovery is a lifelong journey... there is only one end to it). He will open up to you when he is ready, if ever, that will be his choice what he shares. You have to accept that, or you don't... but if you don't then time to cut the relationship off. There are many things he likely did that he is not proud of... shame and pride all are parts of what gets addicts in trouble and prevents them from seeking help. I know it did with my wife... and it prevented her from coming out with it all to me... she has told me much, and I am sure there is more to tell....
Educate yourself if this relationship is something you think you want to pursue. Attend al-anon/nar-anon meetings, do some reading/research, be involved in the forum, even support him by attending an open meeting with him. However, also educate yourself on codependancy and enabling behaviors.... I enabled my wife to further her addiction... something I am learning how to avoid in the future. You will find all this to be very tiring and time consuming... so it might be a gauge of what your relationship might be like at times.
Now, after you have done all that, if you choose to get into a relationship with him, tread slowly.. take your time... addiction is a lifelong disease.. there is no cure for it... he will always have to work it... and so will you.
Best wishes in your decision.
T
P.S. There is also no requirement that if you decide to hold off on the relationship part that you can not explore a friendship... addicts are mostly good people when sober...
Michael Satterfield
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 5
So, there's some really good responses on here already, but the one thing I can say is I wouldn't worry so much about his recovery. If he says he's sober and doesn't seem to be presenting any signs of not using that's a good sign. You don't need to know what and where he's at in his step-work. All you really need to consider is whether or not you want to continue being part of his life, or if you trust in him to work a program of recovery.
Look, recovery can work miracles. A little about me: I used to rob people so I could keep getting high on heroin. I spent a decade in prison. Before getting clean and sober I was a nightmare of a human being.
Three years and six months of being clean and I graduated from Rutgers University with highest honors, have been published by a Harvard Journal twice... and that's just the beginning of all the achievements in the past three years.
Addiction and alcoholism can be scary, however people can and do recover. So, just ask yourself if you have faith that is what he's trying to do, and that you trust in him to keep working a program.
Look, recovery can work miracles. A little about me: I used to rob people so I could keep getting high on heroin. I spent a decade in prison. Before getting clean and sober I was a nightmare of a human being.
Three years and six months of being clean and I graduated from Rutgers University with highest honors, have been published by a Harvard Journal twice... and that's just the beginning of all the achievements in the past three years.
Addiction and alcoholism can be scary, however people can and do recover. So, just ask yourself if you have faith that is what he's trying to do, and that you trust in him to keep working a program.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, LRCSX,
Welcome to SR.
As with any new relationship, whether alcohol or other addictive substances are a factor or not, I would proceed with caution.
It takes a while to really get to know another person.
We have a saying round here: Recovery looks like recovery.
Once you know what recovery looks like, I think you will be better able to gauge the situation.
Good luck.
Welcome to SR.
As with any new relationship, whether alcohol or other addictive substances are a factor or not, I would proceed with caution.
It takes a while to really get to know another person.
We have a saying round here: Recovery looks like recovery.
Once you know what recovery looks like, I think you will be better able to gauge the situation.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
I don't know if anyone else has pointed this out but he is WAY early in recovery. AA says no new relationships in the first year....I would say at least a year. He also says he's on Step 5....this is just my perspective but ya don't just sit and chill on step 5...at least that is not the way I was guided. Once step 4 is done, steps 5,6, and 7 go pretty quick. There is no action involved. Unlike step 4 where there is a lot of writing etc.
Soooo just taking a stab but he sounds young. He sounds like maybe he hasn't reached a bottom. And just by reading your post, and him being willing to date you and pursue you even after you walked away, tells me his program is not his P1. And it should be.
Soooo just taking a stab but he sounds young. He sounds like maybe he hasn't reached a bottom. And just by reading your post, and him being willing to date you and pursue you even after you walked away, tells me his program is not his P1. And it should be.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
I think him getting involved with anyone when he was just 2 months sober was potentially not the best idea. No offence to you of course 
just that so early on in sobriety all I can think about is staying sober. Getting involved in a new relationship would just be too much. I'd also pass before you get too much further involved.
just that so early on in sobriety all I can think about is staying sober. Getting involved in a new relationship would just be too much. I'd also pass before you get too much further involved.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,492
It does sound like he has told some things about his addiction and recovery. If you ask him specific questions, does he answer you? I think that ultimately, trust is very important in a relationship and I'm not sure how much trust you are feeling right now.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,468
Welcome,
Sounds like you are having trust issues with him. Trust is the key foundation to a relationship, if that is not there, nothing is.
I am not sure why you would need to know so much about his past with addiction unless you are looking for things to watch for in the future. But always having to look for those things sounds kind of exhausting.
In AA it is just a suggestion to not date for a year, I believe the reason for this is so other addictions don't happen such as codependency. Which can also affect you.
Be open and honest with him, maybe tell him what you wrote above, I would hope he would understand your concerns.
Best of luck,
DC
Sounds like you are having trust issues with him. Trust is the key foundation to a relationship, if that is not there, nothing is.
I am not sure why you would need to know so much about his past with addiction unless you are looking for things to watch for in the future. But always having to look for those things sounds kind of exhausting.
In AA it is just a suggestion to not date for a year, I believe the reason for this is so other addictions don't happen such as codependency. Which can also affect you.
Be open and honest with him, maybe tell him what you wrote above, I would hope he would understand your concerns.
Best of luck,
DC
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
I'm probably in the minority, but I think him being quiet is a good thing. I know way too many addicts that early in sobriety still LOVE to tell their war stories....non stop. How much they drank, the crazy things they did and on and on. Those folks are still living in the past and I believe are at greater risk. If he's quiet, maybe he's facing the realizing that his drinking days are in the past and he'd like to leave them there.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
Lots of good advice here already LRCSX, so I'll just say welcome.
For what it's worth I didn't speak a lot about my past either. For a long time I was ashamed of it, got over that, and then it just wasn't relevant anymore to who I was.
D
For what it's worth I didn't speak a lot about my past either. For a long time I was ashamed of it, got over that, and then it just wasn't relevant anymore to who I was.
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,284
Originally Posted by BlownOne 
7 months is a drop in the bucket. He has a lot more work to do on himself. If it were me, I'd pass. Too much risk.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: York County, PA
Posts: 302
Yeah, starting to date 2 months into sobriety is highly discouraged. Not just in AA, but my therapist in rehab suggested we wait 1 year before making any major life decisions unless they were unavoidable and urgent - and those we were to bounce off a sponsor, others with more sobriety, a trusted "normal" person . . .
This included starting new relationships.
Problem is that new relationships can serve as a distraction from working on ourselves. And working on ourselves is the only thing that matters, especially in those first several months. All those feel-good emotions and endorphins bouncing around in the head from the pursuit, the dating, the romance, the sex. It can replace the high we got from drugs and alcohol, and it definitely will take our attention off where it needs to be - spending time on recovery.
I wish you the best.
This included starting new relationships.
Problem is that new relationships can serve as a distraction from working on ourselves. And working on ourselves is the only thing that matters, especially in those first several months. All those feel-good emotions and endorphins bouncing around in the head from the pursuit, the dating, the romance, the sex. It can replace the high we got from drugs and alcohol, and it definitely will take our attention off where it needs to be - spending time on recovery.
I wish you the best.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
Welcome! I guess my take is that his recovery is his alone and it doesn't really concern you. By that I mean it's not about you. He's going through a lot and certainly he may want to share more as things progress for him and you.
I suppose it depends on your expectations. Are you looking to get married soon or just want to spend time with someone you connect with? Even if he had never been into drinking or drugs five months would still be the beginning of a relationship.
If you like his company and feel a connection there's nothing wrong with giving it a shot. But take care of yourself. Let him know that you're fine with giving him space for recovery but that you aren't gonna put up with any BS from him.
I suppose it depends on your expectations. Are you looking to get married soon or just want to spend time with someone you connect with? Even if he had never been into drinking or drugs five months would still be the beginning of a relationship.
If you like his company and feel a connection there's nothing wrong with giving it a shot. But take care of yourself. Let him know that you're fine with giving him space for recovery but that you aren't gonna put up with any BS from him.
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