thephoenixrises

So one of the most frustrating things about getting out of an abusive or alcoholic relationship is the ability to trust again (and to trust reality and accept things as they are and not what you wish them to be). I just broke off an engagement with a man that I thought was “it” but though he stood by me through everything with my ex, I started to see patterns that I could no longer dismiss...I.e. promising or intending to do things, never actually doing them, not following through with items we had discussed and labeled as important prior to a marriage, blaming me for getting upset with him when I called him out - even though he admitted I was correct (that was a huge one - never going down that road again!!!). Honestly sometimes it did feel like I was with my alcoholic ex - you know minus the alcoholism and abuse! When I would call him on things he would react by getting defensive and pulling away and shutting down-then a few days later after complete avoidance I would get a “I am so sorry, I drove around for hours and went to the river and figured it all out. I don’t want to lose you”. Of course he’d admit to what I said and tell me he wanted to learn but with no plans or steps to achieve these things I was to accept the blanket apologies and move on without any more discussion of them. (Sound familiar ?!?! Like deja vu)

So, yeah...not exactly healthy. I had seen them all along but honestly thought he was a good guy. Now I am not so sure but I do know I am not going down the road again with anyone unwilling to grow up and do the hard work. So I chose to walk away. I’ve fought too hard for myself and my girls....and I just don’t have time to mother anyone else!!!! He’s not a bad guy, but you don’t marry someone based on intentions (I did that once and not doing it again).

Anyway, the reason I’m sharing all this is to show that 1) the effects of alcoholism and abuse last a LONG Time and 2) you can choose to walk away from red flags even if you didn’t with your alcoholic. You can choose differently in the now and future. Yet still I question myself...am I seeing things clearly?! Am I letting my past cloud my present?! Those are my questions related to “post alcoholism”.

Hope this helps someone today!!

hopeful4

I don't think you are letting your past cloud your future at all. I think what happens is that alcoholism and certain personality features go hand in hand. No all alcoholics have those personality traits, and not all with those personality traits are addicts, but many times you see them go together. Maybe we not only have to protect ourselves from addicts, but from that personality type as well. That is my way of thinking anyways.

I am ok being alone. If I find the right person fine, if not, that is fine as well. I would rather be alone than go back to anyone w/that personality type, or addiction. It's one thing if they recognize it and actually change, but we all know how often that happens!!

Sending big hugs. Never dismiss your gut feelings friend!

SmallButMighty

I dunno phoenix.... doesn't seem like bad stuff to me. Seems like a whole lot of personal growth. You've taken that hard earned wisdom and applied it to a situation you weren't comfortable with. You did what was right for you and by extension your kiddos. I think that's great!

thephoenixrises

^ thank you...and yes-absolutely agree.

Ladybird579

I've met non alcoholic drama addicts since splitting with my exah 4 years ago. When we initially split up I had this block inside me which prevented me from getting close to anyone. I think it was self preservation. Then I met a man I am still very good friends with but it was too soon. I just wasn't ready for anything then. Then I met a charismatic drama king. I kept him as just friends too even tho people thought we'd get together. I just knew deep down he wasn't all he seemed and I was right. I think once we are out of the crazy and we work on ourselves our ability to know what is good and bad does start to surface.

Last week the first man I mentioned above went away for a month. We both got quite emotional when we hugged goodbye. He's 19 hours on a plane away and I feel bereft. I am quite shocked that I miss him. It's not like me cos I've got very used to my own company and doing life as a singleton. I do not need a man to be happy. I am happy. I've no idea what will happen when he gets home..if anything but I'll be happy whatever. I think maybe my present is clouded by my past but possibly that's not a bad thing. It stops me rushing in where angels fear to tread as I used to do.

glenl

I don't think there's anything "bad" about learning what you want/need and then choosing to make sure you get it before you over-commit.

This is my goal where any future relationship is concerned - not letting the "good" cloud my judgment.

thephoenixrises

^^^^^ yes!!!

NYCDoglvr

I was sober 10 years when I had a disastrous relationship with another recovering alcoholic (with no program or therapy). I suffered a great deal and through Alanon, I saw I had to change or I'd pick someone similar. Codependency came in because I picked him and stayed far too long. My therapist said every woman meets disturbed men, they just don't date them. So in the end it was about me and ignoring red flags.

thephoenixrises

Does anyone follow through?! Arecthere any mature men not focused solely on themselves?!?
These are rhetorical and sarcastic, sort of...

hopeful4

Girl! I complete get what you are saying. The pond is ALOT smaller once you hit a certain age, refuse to be with and addict, and refuse to be with someone who has personality issues!

Mango blast

Pray... and follow.

Miracles can and do happen every day.

My recovery and my relationship with self needs to come first.

My husband and I have a good friendship. In going beyond the dysfunctions we brought to and developed in our marriage and through alcohol and work addictions our relationship is changing by prayer, seeing and honoring the good that's here and learning new ways of doing just about everything.

So whether it's the person you're with or one you're looking for.... pray... meditate.... listen for direction... and more is revealed....

thephoenixrises

^^^ mango blast, thank you ^^^ I’ve been a wreck. This is gut wrenching. I pushed this guy away bc I felt utterly alone going through the scariest time of my lif-fear 24x7, anxiety, not sleeping, caring for my scared kids, etc. I’m an abuse survivor so he said he had read all these things about abuse, etc. But when I pushed him away he would not see it was “trauma relapse” and not him. He didn’t get in and do the work with me to make me feel supported the way I needed-I needed to see proactive help from him-Making joint counseling appts, granting me grace, following through with those things. Instead he did not much and pulled away, when I needed him the most. I said some awful things to him when I ended things and he has stated he no longer wants to live his life with me always lashing out. (Stat-I don’t always lash out-99% of the time I’m good but when a life altering event like stalking , harassment and total shell shock fear hit, I shut down. I’ve been fighting for my life and my girls lives for so long that I don’t know how to not fight. I work on that in therapy, but I messed up big time with him, truth be told. At least that’s how I feel. I just wanted grace getting through a crisis. Honestly the engagement was too much thrown in the middle of protective orders, court hearings, keeping my gun on me all times of the day, constant fear and panic, termination, etc. I just shut down and ran him off.

That’s true, and accurate. Any other thoughts would be helpful.

hopeful4

I completely understand. I am still fighting, in therapy, the trauma response. I only knew fear and drama for so long that it became my go to response for real or imagined issues. I am working on this, and am good with it most of the time. However, it still comes up at times. It comes up for me mostly with my oldest daughter. We butt heads a lot, she is very head strong and trying to embrace some independence. I am trying to let her LOL.

Keep going to therapy. It will change eventually.

Big hugs!