Was he relapsing or just mean or both? Grieving.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 7
Was he relapsing or just mean or both? Grieving.
I’d really appreciate advice, is really like to know if people think my ex was in fact relapsing and the behaviour I describe below is that of a relapse, or if he was just a poor choice of partner, or both. I come from a background of emotional abuse, so My automatic response to certain behaviour is it must be me, it’s my fault or I’m just too sensitive due to my past. I loved this man and thought he was going to be my husband, suddenly his behaviour changed and all his friends seemed to think he was so kind amazing, but he seemed to be so unkind to me - it was like I must have got it wrong and it must be me.
Eventually I felt I had no option but to end the relationship because of how he was treating and making me feel, I didn’t have confidence he wasn’t going to relapse and I was worried he could not manage the demands of a normal relationship and he might even kill himself, he was so emotional. To protect us both, I ended it. 2 months later he was found dead in his flat. Results inconclusive, all that can be ruled out is suicide. As the ex I was completely on the outside and the friends of his I did get communication from seemed cryptic and I spent weeks worrying if he’d left a suicide note about me, I know our relationship end will have contributed to him feeling low. I felt like everyone was blaming me for being bad to their lovely boy, including his mum, I’ve had no one who knew him to talk about it all. I thought his mum would be the one person who might understand you love someone, but will have also experienced bad treatment from them. I treated him the best and kindest I could, but I feel a huge weight of others looking at me badly, when they have no idea what I endured or how I cared for him. I feel like a grieving widow, but I’ve been completely isolated and looked down on.
With little experience of addiction, I am now reading and it sounds like his mood swings etc were in fact indicators he may relapse. I feel so guilty, could I have done more, did I think he was mean when in fact he was a lost soul relapsing? I’ll put examples of what he did below.
I dated my ex boyfriend, introduced to me by a friend who’s husband went through a recovery programme at the same time as him 6 years ago. Her husband is now running a ministry for addicts and they vouched he was a great guy, clean and matured. He worked supporting others in the rehab centre and told me he wanted to be a pastor.
We became serious pretty quickly and I thought he was the man I was going to marry. Everything was great until 2 months in, on our way for a week of introducing me to his friends he started to behave really irrationally and Irratically. He drove like a maniac, despite me pleading him I was genuinely scared, he had a look on his face like he just wanted to do what he wanted to do, it was scary, He became incredibly moody and mean at times, we are Christians and despite agreeing that we wouldn’t sleep together at this stage he would fall out with me all day into the next day if I wouldn’t do what he wanted. He seemed unable to see my basic needs and I felt like his needs, particularly physical and emotional engulfed me until I had nothing left, yet he would call me selfish.
My gran died and cousin raped in the same week and he seemed to really struggle to support me and had college work he hadn’t completed and suddenly panicked and asked me to do it at 10pm on a Saturday night, including the fact he was willing for someone else to do his work, he seemed unable to recognise I was grieving and he thought i was a bad, unsupportive girlfriend for not sitting for the next few days to complete his work for him.
He lied about various things, and was mainly defensive at anything I tried to raise. He had this look on his face at times like he was completely fixated on his want or need. He gave up his job at the rehab centre and the first thing he did was have a cigarette- first time he smoked in front of me. I was really concerned. At times he seemed addicted to the feeling of love with me, but not actually being able to take my needs into consideration.
A week after we broke up he went out and got really drunk for 3 days. He was on self destruct. He was missing for those days and I had to alert his pastor as was worried he was relapsing/ going to kill himself.
I found out near the end of the relationship he had actually been re admitted to the rehab centre as a patient 7 months earlier for what he called ‘a wee slip’ of alcohol, not cocaine, which he said was his issue. He also later told me he was acting as a volunteer not a paid member of staff at the centre, he was offered a paid job there but he had to complete a year of being clean first. I also knew he was getting into trouble at the centre at times.
I’m so confused and would really appreciate someone with experience to help me unpick this. Do you think the rehab centre would talk to me or would confidentiality mean there is no point contacting them? Thank you so much everyone.
Eventually I felt I had no option but to end the relationship because of how he was treating and making me feel, I didn’t have confidence he wasn’t going to relapse and I was worried he could not manage the demands of a normal relationship and he might even kill himself, he was so emotional. To protect us both, I ended it. 2 months later he was found dead in his flat. Results inconclusive, all that can be ruled out is suicide. As the ex I was completely on the outside and the friends of his I did get communication from seemed cryptic and I spent weeks worrying if he’d left a suicide note about me, I know our relationship end will have contributed to him feeling low. I felt like everyone was blaming me for being bad to their lovely boy, including his mum, I’ve had no one who knew him to talk about it all. I thought his mum would be the one person who might understand you love someone, but will have also experienced bad treatment from them. I treated him the best and kindest I could, but I feel a huge weight of others looking at me badly, when they have no idea what I endured or how I cared for him. I feel like a grieving widow, but I’ve been completely isolated and looked down on.
With little experience of addiction, I am now reading and it sounds like his mood swings etc were in fact indicators he may relapse. I feel so guilty, could I have done more, did I think he was mean when in fact he was a lost soul relapsing? I’ll put examples of what he did below.
I dated my ex boyfriend, introduced to me by a friend who’s husband went through a recovery programme at the same time as him 6 years ago. Her husband is now running a ministry for addicts and they vouched he was a great guy, clean and matured. He worked supporting others in the rehab centre and told me he wanted to be a pastor.
We became serious pretty quickly and I thought he was the man I was going to marry. Everything was great until 2 months in, on our way for a week of introducing me to his friends he started to behave really irrationally and Irratically. He drove like a maniac, despite me pleading him I was genuinely scared, he had a look on his face like he just wanted to do what he wanted to do, it was scary, He became incredibly moody and mean at times, we are Christians and despite agreeing that we wouldn’t sleep together at this stage he would fall out with me all day into the next day if I wouldn’t do what he wanted. He seemed unable to see my basic needs and I felt like his needs, particularly physical and emotional engulfed me until I had nothing left, yet he would call me selfish.
My gran died and cousin raped in the same week and he seemed to really struggle to support me and had college work he hadn’t completed and suddenly panicked and asked me to do it at 10pm on a Saturday night, including the fact he was willing for someone else to do his work, he seemed unable to recognise I was grieving and he thought i was a bad, unsupportive girlfriend for not sitting for the next few days to complete his work for him.
He lied about various things, and was mainly defensive at anything I tried to raise. He had this look on his face at times like he was completely fixated on his want or need. He gave up his job at the rehab centre and the first thing he did was have a cigarette- first time he smoked in front of me. I was really concerned. At times he seemed addicted to the feeling of love with me, but not actually being able to take my needs into consideration.
A week after we broke up he went out and got really drunk for 3 days. He was on self destruct. He was missing for those days and I had to alert his pastor as was worried he was relapsing/ going to kill himself.
I found out near the end of the relationship he had actually been re admitted to the rehab centre as a patient 7 months earlier for what he called ‘a wee slip’ of alcohol, not cocaine, which he said was his issue. He also later told me he was acting as a volunteer not a paid member of staff at the centre, he was offered a paid job there but he had to complete a year of being clean first. I also knew he was getting into trouble at the centre at times.
I’m so confused and would really appreciate someone with experience to help me unpick this. Do you think the rehab centre would talk to me or would confidentiality mean there is no point contacting them? Thank you so much everyone.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, 1Blueglass.
Welcome to SR.
Very sorry for your loss.
It sounds as if your significant other had a lot of issues and problems..
I appreciate that you want answers, particularly regarding your role here, but you may not get them.
Not now, not ever.
Do you have someone you can talk to about this?
Someone who is not related or friends with your former SO.
Time and distance will bring clarity, I hope.
Meantime, try not to blame yourself. Things may have turned out the same whether you were still together or not.
Take good care.
Welcome to SR.
Very sorry for your loss.
It sounds as if your significant other had a lot of issues and problems..
I appreciate that you want answers, particularly regarding your role here, but you may not get them.
Not now, not ever.
Do you have someone you can talk to about this?
Someone who is not related or friends with your former SO.
Time and distance will bring clarity, I hope.
Meantime, try not to blame yourself. Things may have turned out the same whether you were still together or not.
Take good care.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 7
Thank you for taking the time to read and reply. I have sought a counsellor and have friends, but no one to even discuss what happened who knew him. The ‘friend’ who introduced us suddenly turned around and said they didn’t know him well anymore and told me just to get over it, he was bad to me and plenty of other people would appreciate life and he didn’t as he took drugs. She has not asked again how I am. That’s been very hard too. Particularly as she helps support addicts and their families.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i am very sorry for your loss. it is good that you have sought counseling as grief is a treacherous road to go alone.
as i read some of your descriptions of his behavior, it seems it is quite likely he WAS using, thus the mood swings. coke would have that effect.
altho it's difficult, do try to have some compassion for his family and their reactions, as they too are full of questions and wondering what THEY missed, what THEY did wrong. none of you caused it, none of you could control it, none of you could cure it.
as i read some of your descriptions of his behavior, it seems it is quite likely he WAS using, thus the mood swings. coke would have that effect.
altho it's difficult, do try to have some compassion for his family and their reactions, as they too are full of questions and wondering what THEY missed, what THEY did wrong. none of you caused it, none of you could control it, none of you could cure it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I am very sorry for your loss, I hope one day with the help of your counselor you will come to accept that love doesn’t make an addict better and that there was nothing you could have said or done that would change the fact he was using drugs.
Based on what you shared I’d say he was using, and his behavior was related to that. He may never even had more than a week or so clean, they hide it well.
I think grief is something that people deal with differently. I think it’s pretty natural that when death occurs the family looks to blame whether it’s a car accident, a drug overdose or falling down the stairs.
My neighbor’s son died of a drug overdose a year ago and all she could initially focus on was his friends and how they should have stopped him. She treated his girlfriend badly and even though she knew the girlfriend was not doing drugs she blamed her for not making her son stop using them. Irrational thoughts in the grief process, try not to take it personally.
Based on what you shared I’d say he was using, and his behavior was related to that. He may never even had more than a week or so clean, they hide it well.
I think grief is something that people deal with differently. I think it’s pretty natural that when death occurs the family looks to blame whether it’s a car accident, a drug overdose or falling down the stairs.
My neighbor’s son died of a drug overdose a year ago and all she could initially focus on was his friends and how they should have stopped him. She treated his girlfriend badly and even though she knew the girlfriend was not doing drugs she blamed her for not making her son stop using them. Irrational thoughts in the grief process, try not to take it personally.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 61
Hi Bluegrass. I hope you’re feeling a bit better now. You took a hard emotional hit and it will take time to heal. But know that you will heal and go on to have a loving relationship with someone who loves you very much. You did the right thing in ending that relationship under the circumstances. You’re not responsible for the sad outcome. Take it one day at a time and say the serenity prayer every morning. That’s what I am doing and the support I am receiving here is slowly lifting the burden of guilt from my shoulders. Do the same and it will lift your grief in time. Look forwards and don’t look back. Keep well x
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