Lostnconfu

oday 06:41 AM by Lostnconfu

Hi everyone. I'm super hurt and lost. Just trying to reach out I guess. I have been with the same man for 2 years. He always drank. I do not as I don't care for alcohol. He and I are best friends. We love each other. He drank but was never too crazy. He was working and able to function. We bot took leave from work around February last year and that's was when his drinking became more excessive. When he had nothing to do during the day. We transitioned into new careers in March. We were happy. Rarely argued. As time went on though, he started missing work. Was obviously drunk at work and was terminated when he refused to take a BAC level test. I blamed the job for a long time. Honestly, he was at fault. He didn't find a job and was just drinking. Always. In July, he began to have problems with his legs and feet being in pain. We went to the ER. And he was admitted with a severe infection and neuropathy. He had to be medically detoxed since his body is so dependent on alcohol. I stayed with him all 5 days over night. Bathed him. He was too weak on his own. Called into work to be with him. He got out and stopped drinking for 4 months. Sobriety excited him. He started working out twice a day and said he would never go back. I, of course paid all of the bills and really didn't complain because he was sober. It was greatly. I paid for him to get his license back. Bought him all new clothes and shoes and watches because I wanted his outside to reflect his new inside. I bought a new car. Gave him my old car. Because he wanted to drive for Uber. I made sure he was set up to be successful. Anyway, around this time he relapsed. And it was like something inside of him clicked. He began embarrassing me in restaurants by calling botched and stupid. He would call me fat ass at home. Scream and yell. So I asked him to go to AA with me. He made every excuse not to. Even at one point saying he was going but st the last moment refusing to get in the car because I was "bothering him". So, I went to alanon that night
When ii came back to the house, he had barricaded the door with a chair and told me to leave. He then called the police on me. When they got there, he was upset I wouldn't leave. Tried to flinch if I took a step close to him and told the police i was depressed and crazy. I explained what happened to the officers. They knew he was drunk. He reeked of whiskey. I decided to leave that night though we had never slept apart. Checked myself into a hotel. He has since called the police on me several times. And one night while i was sleeping, he took my keys out of my bag. When I came home, I couldn't get in. That was 2 weeks ago. He called his family and LIED on me, blatantly. He called the police on me last Monday. Saying I was stalking him and couldn't accept our breakup. I had no idea. Tuesday we talked on the phone just fine and reaffirmed that we are together. He was just struggling. He blamed me for his children knowing he is an alcoholic. When they knew that before I existed. Wednesday he called me for money. Friday I saw him and he was acting crazy. But told me he needed me to come upstairs and to be with him and told me go come back Friday night. I did. He ignored my calls and when he finally answered it was to tell me he wasn't there but I vould have a happy life and he was "gonna ley me go now". I waited in the car but he never showed. I called him a million yimes Saturday because all of my work clothes ate in the house. I need them. I've been rotating 2 outfits. Saturday I text him and told him I was calling the police and my uncle as I needed my things. His sister called me shortly after that text, I missed her call and then blocked me. Idk why as I haven't spoken to her in weeks. Months actually. Sunday I called the police to meet me at the home to get my things and that's when i found out about the report he did on Monday. He has also blocked me from calling. Idk why. He will NOT give me my clothes. At all. I'm not sure why! Idk what to do. And keep in mind, he drinks morning and night. Half a gallon of whiskey a day. He isn't ever sober. He has convinced everyone that I'm crazy and unstable. His family. The police. I've done EVERYTHING for him. He isn't even working. He just lays there and drinks. He is 2 months behind on rent that I paid and got money from me last Weds. Even though he made the report on Monday. It's like he's lost his mind. Completely. He has become cruel and vicious. He claimed he wanted to go to therapy with me because I'm having mental probs. I work. Paid my bills and his. I don't have a problem. I don't even drink. I'm going crazy trying to understand what's happening. Why won't he give me my clothes? How did he stop loving me like this? What's happening???

FeelingGreat

Hi, that is a terrible story. He obviously has a screw loose at the moment, no doubt caused by uncontrolled drinking, and he's nasty as well. It's causing you understandable distress, but for now concentrate on the practical. It will keep your mind off the emotional side of this, even for a short time, and it's essential you protect yourself.

I think it's time to seek urgent legal advice on this. Find a lawyer who can get you escorted into he house. Maybe the landlord can help there. Collect your stuff, get your name off the lease and cut all and any financial ties including not giving him any money. If the lease is in your name, take action to get him out. I hope you don't have any joint bank accounts or loans, because it's quite plain that he's not in any state to spend money on anything that's not alcohol.

Please don't worry one bit what his family or friends think as the truth will become obvious to them over a short period. Call on your uncle or other f & f to support you in dealing with the police and him, even if it's just as a witness.

I know there's many questions you need answers for, but please look after yourself first up, and the rest will fall into place over time.

ScaryTime

Good heavens! Obviously he is not in a right frame of mind right now...I agree that you are probably going to need to contact an attorney at this point in order to get your things as well as address how to get your name off the lease if it is on there. If he isn’t paying the rent and you are on the lease you are probably still liable. An attorney visit will help you figure out what you need to do to protect yourself from further damage to your credit and/or the housing situation.
If you have joint accounts with him get your own accounts open in your name only.
Pay no mind to what his family is doing, they are his family and listening to what he is telling them.
Get yourself safe, physically, financially and emotionally. And get as far away from this as you can.
Thinking of you and hoping for peace for you!

Lostnconfu

Thank you guys. It is all so much. I honestly thought he was cheating and seeing someone else. Really. Because it was so insane and swift. But my sister lives in his neighborhood. He is alone. Just doesn't want to be bothered by me. I have no idea what I did. I have been there for him and given him everything. He can't even pay the bills without me. I moved into his home and paid rent. We called it our home. I can't believe he took the keys while I was sleeping. This whole thing is surreal. And as far as my things, I do not understand why he won't just give them back. We have had a min breakup before. It didn't last a day. But he wasn't nuts and called me to gather my things. Now, it's like he is holding them hostage for some reason. I don't get it.

CentralOhioDad

He is cheating, he has a new love now - whiskey. And nothing you do/say/cajole/threaten, will change that. You are in a sh*tty situation, and I pray you get whatever you need, and you forget he ever existed. You don't deserve this. Save yourself, save your money, enjoy life without this creep.

You don't 'get it' because you are not an addict. You can't make sense from the nonsensical.

Bets of luck to you.

COD

biminiblue

Alcohol causes insanity - so trying to figure out the "whys" is not going to be very useful. He is out of his mind, literally.

I think you may be able to bypass the attorney as the first stop and you could call the police and tell them he is holding your stuff. They have escorted me to pick stuff up at past homes when someone refused to let me in to get them. If you can prove you had a legal residence there, they may be able to do that and stand by as you gather your things.

There is nothing you can do for him at this point, stop giving him money! Save yourself. By giving him money you are simply buying him more alcohol, and it sounds like he intends to self-destruct.

SmallButMighty

Wow... that's some crazy stuff. I am sorry he is putting you through this.

Trying to understand an why an alcoholic is acting crazy is a waste of your time. You can't reason with the unreasonable. This erratic kind of behavior is typical.
I know it feels overwhelming and confusing, but try as you might it will never make sense, so please don't waste your energy trying to find the answers that don't exist. It isn't anything you did or did not do that caused him to behave this way. Don't let him or anyone else try to convince you otherwise. He is saying and doing ridiculous alcoholic things because he is an alcoholic. His mind is in chaos and his actions are reflecting that. Unfortunately, those of us that stand to close to alcoholics get sucked into that chaos as well.

Focus on the things you CAN control. Focus on you and making sure your ducks are in a row. Try to eat healthy and get some exercise, take lots of deep breaths. Make sure finances are in order and untangled from his. Find help in getting your clothing and other belongings. Educate yourself about alcoholism and codependence, it doesn't eradicate the pain but it starts you in the right direction for healing.

I hope you hang around here and allow us to support you through this. We all know exactly what you are going through and how terrible it feels.

*hug*

Lostnconfu

Thank you so much. I appreciate the support. You have no idea how much I need it. I spoke to my therapist and he said he is keeping my things as a way to have an open line with me and even though he is being down right cruel, that he doesn't consider himself done with me. Even though he blocked me. I don't understand but you are right. You cannot rationalize the irrational. Thank you again.

Lostnconfu

I feel like the more I tried to reach out to him to get my stuff and I called multiple times and text multiple times, he used that to paint this picture of me being a stalker, erratic and mentally unstable. Even the police are rude to me. All based on false reports he is filing. It is making me crazy.

biminiblue

Exactly. He wants to keep you attached and enmeshed and the only thing he has now is your belongings.

Call the police and tell them you just want your things.

SmallButMighty

I have no doubt he is keeping your belongings as a means of control. He can't control anything else right now so this is what he does.... try not to let it make YOU crazy too. Alcoholics are master manipulators, but you don't have to play by his rules. Heck, you don't have to play along at all....

Also don't worry what anyone else thinks. They haven't been living through the chaos, you have. Sooner or later the truth always comes out.

Givenup2018

Lostnconfu, so sorry you are going through all of this. Use this as an opportunity to get away from him for good. Get a good lawyer to gain access to get your belongings. Stick with Al Anon and get your own life on track again, forget about him. The truth will come out, and you will need all the resolve and support in the world to avoid going back into that drama again.

biminiblue

Also, this, "The police are rude to me."

I had to get police involved in a couple relationships where I didn't feel safe. One of the guys I kept letting come back even after I'd called the police on him. The police don't like to be played, and their attitudes to me definitely changed; I can't blame them. They became more authoritative. They aren't baby sitters or therapists. They are no-nonsense and a lot of their daily jobs are dealing with drug and alcohol abusers. They don't like this stuff and do not like having to deal with the same people repeatedly after they've given suggestions.

Get your stuff and then go no-contact with this guy and the police will have no reason to be in your life.

AnvilheadII

I've done EVERYTHING for him.

when we DO everything for another, give them things, buy them things, pay their bills, allow bad behaviors and just give more, we cease to be a partner or a person, we become a RESOURCE.

and resources are expendable. he was still calling you for money. and if i understand right, had you over to have sex. and then asked you to leave.

he's definitely unstable. your best bet is to just stay away. quit phoning. quit texting. i know it's your "stuff" but it's just STUFF. your safety and sanity are far more important. and he is neither safe or sane.

cut him off. cease to be a resource. even if it's just someone he can torment. get some new clothes.

atalose

The issue at hand is, you can’t take the proper measurers to get your things back if after all of this you still want to work things out with him, you can’t have it both ways.

You can play into his control drama, his addiction or you can be done with this mess that choice is all yours.

One factor that can make all the difference here is, is your name on the lease? Are you legally entitled to enter that apartment?

This is no longer about him or his drinking or the behaviors from that...........this is now all about you and your life moving forward.

Lostnconfu

Thank you. I am going to talk to a lawyer today and check my options. I am so tired. Not sleeping. Barely eating. I am so gone from all this. I think I would have some finality if I had my stuff and it was done. But he has blocked me from AND is refusing to let me get my things. How c an he possibly think he can come back from this? My Doctor says he wants me to keep calling and going bananas. He told me that my ex would reach out to me. And I needed to be prepared. He said I had to decided to end it, It has to be me. It is terrifying.

Ladybird579

I'd walk away. Buy new stuff....go no contact and forget he exists. Anything else just keeps the crazy train on the track.

atalose

I don’t mean this in a mean way, but truthfully you are putting to much though into what he is thinking or doing and why. He’s an individual under the influence constantly and I’m sure the only time he’ll be reaching out to you is when the rent is due or he needs money. As it was pointed out above, you are nothing more to him today then a resource, that may be hard to accept but sadly, it is the truth.

Not sure why you would need the added cost of an attorney, you are not married to him and I am assuming it is his house or your name is not on the mortgage/lease. File a police report for stolen property and a civil suit which you can do yourself seeking the return of your property.

Needabreak

What is terrifying? That he might reach out to you and that you would have to choose whether to stand up for yourself or get sucked back in?

From what I gather you have been with him for 2 years but you are not married and don't have kids together. What is holding you to this situation? Even after police intervention and humiliation by him and his family?

Maybe you could look at your own thinking here, as it is your thought processes that are keeping you trapped. This guy is an addict and his thinking is dysfunctional. But you are choosing to obsess and to stay involved with him.

Spence7471

Crazy stuff.. but that is what addiction is about...

I would have to agree with all on here that he is keeping you in his life and drama. I told my wife when i had had it that it was her monkey and her circus... I did not need to have it in my life. I said that to her during her detox when she was sober... it was a solid moment for her to realize I was sticking with her because I wanted to... not needed to.

As a landlord myself, there are certain laws dealing with evictions. If you are serious about getting your thing, then seek a Tenant advocacy group and they will guide you in the laws. Even without a lease, if you can prove you were residing there and paying rent (not even a requirement), then you have legal right as a tenant and must be properly evicted. This is why legally getting a spouse out of house is a very tough thing to do...

As was mentioned elsewhere, if you can afford it, just walk away during all this drama while you let the legal process work, or just to let him work it out. But go no-contact... best thing you can do for yourself.

T