Needadvice777

Been married for 10 years to my dh. He's a great man, but a ****** drunk. All drama aside, I've decided to leave him because he won't quit drinking. I have my finances in order and a plan for the future. May problem is how to move on with the children. They will be hurt, but I figure the pain will be less than what they are going through now. I could use some support and suggestions on how to deal with this. I've thought about going no contact if he refuses to get help after I walk out the door. Divorce is the only option that might help his obstinacy. If you have been here, I'd like to talk to you. Thanks.

Clover71

I'm still living with my AH, so I cant give any advice

But I'd like to say hugs and good luck. You sound very strong. You will get good advice here

Bekindalways

Welcome to Soberrecovery Needsadvice. I hope you find lots of support here.

I didn't marry my qualifier (qualifier = addict with whom I was involved) so can't give much support beyond the moral variety.

Most of us suggest reading Melody Beatie's Codependent No More. It is a bit of a bible around here.

trailmix

Hi Needadvice, welcome.

Sorry you are going through such a tough time. I would suggest reading around this forum, there are many people here in the same situation you are in and there are lots of suggestions and wisdom from people who have been through the same thing.

Sleepyhollo

I've read your other post as well and it sounds like you made the right choice. You've basically given him an ultimatum and you've been living apart for 5 months and that hasn't been enough of an incentive to quit so chances are he won't be ready to do that any time soon. Cirrhosis at 35 already, being young isn't gonna help him if he is gonna keep drinking. He is going to drink himself to death before to long and you're right that you shouldn't expose your kids to that.,I don't know that there is a nice way to deal with this for the kids. How old are they? I would say that they cannot see their dad unsupervised and they can only see him ifhe is sober. You might be able to get a court to order mandatory sober link so he can prove that he is sober prior to seeing kids. Otherwise no contact.
First i would take care of you. It sounds like you've got a plan in place and your finances are i on order but I would highly recommend checking out alanon and also doing individual therapy. Also read codependent no more if you haven't already. My kid was 6 when RAH went to rehab unexpectedly (I had given him an ultimatum and one more chance to get clean, due to his type of work he was ordered to go to rehab, he could've r fused but would've lost me right away and probably his job) . Initially we told her he had a boo boo in his stomach and needs to go to a special hospital. We had no time to prepare since he found out and was leaving for rehab the next day and it was totally unexpected (she also never saw him drink and no one knew he was an alcoholic because he drank in secret). She never asked more questions surprisingly enough despite the fact that rehab looks nothing like a hospital. Towards the end of rehab I read a couple of books to her to break the subject because she needed to know the truth. One book talked about a magic potion that an evil man was selling to adults, it made the people happy but only for a little while, then they needed more potion to get happy again until they needed it all the time. Then the man was chased out of town because the kids were worried about the adult ps and they no longer had the potion. Then the adults became normal people again that had time for their children. Simplified a bit obviously but it got the message across without ever mentioning alcohol, the other book was about a girl whose dad was alway ps tired and got angry very essily especially after work. And when he was tired and angry he would start drinking and often get mean. He also missed a lot of her activities because of his drinking. And she was always afraid how he was going to react if she didn't make him happy or if she made a mistake or said the wrong thing. It talked about how she did not cause her daddy to drink but that he had the alcohol disease that made him drink and that he could not stop on his own and that he needed special help. Then after I read them I told her that was why daddy was in the hospital as well because he cousins not stop on his own because his brain would tell him to keep drinking. I explained that there wasn't just a pill he could take to fix him (even though technically there are meds but meds only would not be enough anyway ) she asked a few questions but that was it. Now I realize our situation is different because mine actually did go to rehab but it is important to tell the kids age appropriate truth and make it clear that it isn't their fault. If you don't they will come up with their own conclusions about what is going on which can be worse. They need to know he is sick, maybe tell them that he is sick but that he does not want to see a doctor for it. I would probably explain to them that daddy cannot take care of them when he is drinking and so you need to find a safe place for you and the kids.
I don't know where you are at but my kid did the Betty ford children's program a year ago (they have to be close to 7/in first grade because they have to be able to read and write a bit) which is for kids 7-12. They learn all about addiction in a playful way. I think there are programs in TX, Ca and CO . If you don't have a program in your state check out http://mybeamersworld.com/ they are some videos about a boy named Beamer who's parents are both addicts and it goes over addiction and feelings etc very well. They also have book series that I think you can order online. Maybe consider play therapy for them.
Do you have addiction in your family? The reason I ask is because early on in our relationship I probably would've been considèred an alcoholic because I was drinking wine pretty much every night. I drank because I figured if I would help him finish the bottle he would drink less, but then of course he would just open another one . So after some time I just quit doing that. I would have a glass sometimes two but I realized what I was doing didn't change how much he drank, even though I drank a lot I never considered myself an alcoholic because I did not crave it or need it. I did it because I thought he would drink less that way (dumb I know but you do dumb things when you're in love). And if i wasn't with him I wouldn't drink at all. It kind of sound like you may have done a similar thing.

You need to take care of you and the kids and it sounds like you're doing that. You can't do anything to make him stop drinking, it all has to come from him. Even if he decides to seek treatment there is nothing you can do to help him with his recovery. It is all on him. All you have control over is you and so that's what I would focus on. Leaving the marriage is not enough. You need help as well do process all of this for you and your kids. Even if he sought treatment things probably would get worse before they would get better and you need to take time for you to recover from all these years or dealing with an alcoholic.
Sometimes i really wonder if it would've been better to leave instead of giving him one last chance. I was pretty much done which is why I was able to give him the ultimatum because I knew I was ready to leave this time if he didn't seek treatment. But all those years have been so damaging to me and our relationship (and I did not realize to what extent and how until this past year ) and rehab made things a lot worse between us. It has improved somewhat but I still feel very detached and I'm just not sure that I can get past that.
Some people never hit rock bottom. If you've already been separated from him and he has cirrhosis of his liver and those things have not made him want to change it seems hard to imagine that he will anytime soon. Quitting drinking isn't enough. He would need intensive therapy because alcohol is only a small part of addiction. He is self medicating and unless he addresses the underlying issues he has little chance of becoming and staying sober.
My h went to rehab for 90 days even though he was 10 days sober when he went in. And he needed all of it.
I wish you good luck, it sounds like you're pretty well prepared to make that step. Do what you need to do for you and the kids because you have no control over your husband and his drinking. So keep you and your kids safe and away from the chaos.

Needadvice777

Thank you. I have a 10,9,8 y/o children. They already know that daddy has a problem, they know his whole family has a problem. The oldest has helped me (not asked to, just wanted to help me) clean up the beer bottles, cans and cigarette butts out of the yard several times. One day, I sent my oldest away because I didn't want to see them helping and I broke down for a while. I had to hide my tears from my children as best I could. But, I put my foot down after that and explained that the children will not clean up after dh or his family, nor will they give him any alcohol. He would ask them to get beers for him and I staunchly said no, which prompts fights all the time. I don't want my children to be addicts so we go do things outside of the house when he was home to avoid them having to see it. He also drank outside in the backyard or porch when he was home so they didn't find daddy drunk in the house. They've seen him passed out in his chair several times too. I've talked to the children about drug abuse and alcohol abuse. They have seen enough to understand how negatively it affects a person. I haven't told them grandpa lived with us because of alcohol, but my oldest has always suspected. Especially when I was dumping out liquor bottles that were hidden in the garden and my youngest's closet. And yelling at him about killing him self in front of his grandchildren. I want to sit them down and talk to them frankly about it. I just have to get to a place where I can do that without being teary and emotional about it. I'm currently working out, trying to lose a few pounds and get my mind off of everything. I haven't told my family the gritty details yet. They know my dad in law stayed with us but they think it was a non alcohol related illness. I have to have a long talk with them too.

Needadvice777

I think I stayed so long because I cared sooo much and I truly thought he would seek help. I know that his body is addicted and he thinks about it all the time. I feel stupid for staying, ashamed sometimes, taken advantage of, all the emotional abuse and years of neglect and being his servant. I had an epiphany and found God. This was a wake up call that I knew I would have to leave. It took me a long time to work up the courage to do this. Being apart made it easier. It also helped me regain my self esteem. I researched and researched and found that he is a high functioning alcoholic with a narcissistic personality. Sigh.

Sleepyhollo

I'm sorry that sounds like a mess. Glad you're putting some good boundaries in place and sticking to them. And kudos that you're being open with your kids. I would see if you can orders those Beamer books from Betty ford. It is a series of 8 books I believe (it's been a few months since I looked at them). It explains addiction very well and in an interesting story. It also goes over feeling and emotions and labels then with colors (red for anger, blue for shame etc) because kids often have a hard time expressing what they feel and this give ps them something to work with.
In rehab they told us the biggest predictor in whether kids become addicts or not is if they have learned to talk about their feeling and emotion. Often when growing up in an alcoholic home things are kept secret and expressing emotions is usually not done much by the adults and so everyone keeps everything bottled up inside and over time that makes it hard to live with and that's when people start self medicating with substances. And with their family history they are certainly at risk. They illustrated this to us by making us walk with a back pack full of rocks. Each rock was a feeling (shame, anger, guilt, sadness etc). And over time the back pack becomes heavier if you don't talk about your feeling and together them out, you keep adding rocks and the back pack becomes more and mor difficult to carry around and do your daily things (hard to play soccer with a heavy back pack, or sleep etc) . Once you start talking about your feeling ps the rocks start coming out and the backpack becomes lighter again and it becomes easier to function. I thohnit was a very effective way of showing this and they did the same exercise at the kids program.
Is there a rehab facility nearby somewhere that you could contac and see what resources they might have for kids? That might helpful too. And if you decide to do counseling (I highly recommend it, it's been a life saver for me and I'm not one that jumps at the idea of counseling per se) didn't someone with an addiction background because it really complicates things.
Glad you're doing stuff for you. Exercise certainly helped me keep my sanity among all the chaos. You need to take care of you and your needs it will help,your kids I as well if mom takes care of herself .

Sleepyhollo

Believe me I've have felt all of that too (and still do sometimes ). He was high functioning as well and I didn't really see it for what it was. Maybe I was just in denial but they are masters at hiding it and lying and manipulation. He also kept the fact that both his parents were alcoholics from me. Didn't really know until he was in rehab. Had I known then what I know now I more than likely would've wised up in time. We did have good times obviously but the last few years that really changed. And I have my kid whom I can't imagine life without.
A friend of mine is a doctor and she didn't see it until she got,pregnant and she stopped drinking and he didn't. Hindsight is 20/20. I think we've probably all been there.

Also check out pleasure unwoven. It is a very good documentary that explains additions nd alcoholism very well.

hopeful4

I have married and divorced my XAH, with children. Feel free to read my threads.

PrettyViolets

I filed for divorce twice and both divorces timed out.

I would file for divorce because you have gotten to the point that you no longer love him and you need to be legally separated from your husband.

With the first divorce, I found out that he had $80,000-$90,000 of credit card debt (hey gotta love Seattle) and then he lost his job. His alcoholism just got worse. So when the townhome apartment building that we were living was turning into condos that were going to be sold, I separated from my husband and moved to another apartment. His family did take care of me and made sure that I did not get hit with his debt. His family hired a lawyer to settle his debt.

We later got back together. We had two kids. He would go through periods of sobriety and then he would relapse. He would go through periods where he kept a job and then he would relapse and eventually lost his job. We actually moved our kids to the inlaws when they were 7 months old and 2 years old. We could no longer afford daycare in Seattle because my husband lost his job and the inlaws lived 3 hours away and it was not easy for them to come help us in Seattle because of my mother-in-laws health.

I filed the second time for divorce because he got his 2nd DUI. It is just like this rockbottom feeling of looking at a picture of a totaled car and luckily he was okay. Our kids were not with him. They were at the inlaws. Luckily no one else was hurt. It was just that feeling of that someone else could have been hurt. I really wanted him to sit in jail. But his father bailed him out. I really needed space.

It is like if you really love someone you will let them go.

I want to clarify that I did not divorce him just for him to get sober. I was taking care of myself and my kids.

With divorce, there was always the chance that my husband could have moved on and not came back to me.

My husband got sober and he served out his sentence at his parent's house where my kids lived.

And eventually my job in Seattle went to being a telecommuting position where I worked from home, and I live now at the inlaws with my kids working from home. My kids are now 5 and 7 years old.

We have a simpler life in a small town. The daycare is more affordable. My son has been going to the Boys and Girls Club. My kids still have McDonald's.

DivorceCare at a local church and Divorced and Single Mom Support groups helps me a lot during those years.

Mango blast

How are you doing today?

((((Hugs))))

Chandni

I recently moved out and filed for divorce. I initially thought that would be his rock bottom. It wasn't. It was easier for me because we have no kids . It's still tough to walk away when you love someone. I did not hear back from my AH ever after that. He continued to drink and spend money on fancy cars . He is a functional alcoholic with a great job for now but other than that he has no life. No friends. Just parents who are big time enablers. He used to drink at home only earlier but now he is out more often at bars.
Prepare for the divorce beforehand as much as you can. All the financial stuff. Divorce sometimes brings out the worst in people. You need to protect yourself and the kids.
Go to al anon meeting. That has been my saving grace through this divorce .
Hugs