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Old 01-29-2018, 04:09 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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I'm new and have no idea if I'm in the right place but I Googled 'why am I a monster when I drink' and I found myself here.

To give a little background I knew I had a problem with alcohol from 18-22 y/o. I would drink and do cocaine for days at a time. One day I came out of a house party after days of binging on any drug I could get my hands on and drank until I wasn't sure if it was tears coming out of my eyes or drops of vodka were trying to escape the madness inside. I felt rock bottom hit me and I tried to commit suicide. After a short stay in a mental hospital the madness continued for a few months after that until one day I just had enough. I haven't done a drug since that day (except alcohol). Fast forward 6 years I'm doing what I felt was a lot better. I can hold down a job and I matured a hell if alot. I look back at that time as a definite alcohol problem time but as I drink a lot less now I always convince myself I don't have a problem. Now I can go days without drinking, weeks even. But when i do drink, i really do.
What brings me here is shame. I'm ashamed of my latest (of quite a few) black out rages. All the other black out rages I could make some sort of excuses for but not this time. Before I went out last weekend I promised myself I was going to be in control. I was only going to drink white wine because vodka, gin, beer, rum, brandy and rose have all been excuses for previous outbursts. White wine was my last hope. Long story short 4 beers, 2 bottles of white wine and 4 tequilas later I was in my mother's house I physically tried to push her out of the way so I could physically assault my partner. Now let me tell you before anybody judges.. I have not and never would in my right mind hurt anybody sober. I worship the ground they walk on and this has never happened before. It feels like an out of body experience being told your behaviour and slowly trying to put the puzzle together of the night before. I have no idea who that person was and like I have said the shame and guilt is eating me alive. Although I've sworn off alcohol forever I know it's only a matter of time before I convince myself I can have just 1 or 2 and I'm back to square 1 but i really dont want to and im actually desperate for something .. i just don't know what it is
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Old 01-29-2018, 04:18 PM
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Could it be a lack of communication between you and your partner?

I've had the same thing happen with me except it was blacked out insulting texts. For me, it was about things that were on my mind that I felt wasn't worth the potential disagreement it could create so I kept things inside. So, sure enough, when I drank these issues came up and caused a huge over reaction on my part of which I felt guilty the next day.

I've lost 3 girlfriends this way and I'm hoping to change by taking alcohol out of the equation because that was the common thing with all situations.
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Old 01-29-2018, 04:30 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
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I think what you're desperate for is change! Real, positive change. If you get sober for good, your life will change.

I hope with our support, you can get sober for good.
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