Met a guy who disclosed 2years sober;continue or not?
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Join Date: Jan 2018
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Met a guy who disclosed 2years sober;continue or not?
Hi everyone,
I need some advice.
I met a very nice guy, like I see a future with him potentially. On 1st date he was completely honest and open that he is 2years sober from three addictions (sex;pot and alcohol). He underwent 12 steps and is now a sponsor himself and does service I think it's called. He was so open and told me it was a must for him that any woman knows from the very beginning and so I was floored by his honesty. He said he never dated for the two years since the recovery program does not allow any new relationships for 1 year. He told me to ask him anything I wanted. He also said that the reality is he can't guarunteee a lifelong remission and that it would be irresponsible of him tovpromise me that, and that in any addiction it's just a daily reprieve from the addiction,so I was very impressed by his candour. He literally has his phone always on for sponsees to call him and has meetings with them all through the night. He seems so motivated and dedicated. He has such insight into his past addiction by not bullshitting me about anything. He told me his family knows everything and it is not a secret that he is pat shame and it id important for him tgat everyone in the family knows. He is a devout christian and wants to organize meetings for addicts within his Church by collaborating with the priest- the ethnic middle eastern community he is part of is obviously extremely closed and hush hush about such an issue so for him to do this and expose himself to the whole community was so impressive to me. He has a list of women he has hurt through his sex addiction and has flown to other countries to specifically apologize to them. I told him I had fears obviously and he said of course and wanted me to go away and make a decision whether to continue factoring in only what I want in my life. I feel he has shown such integrity that although I fully understand the risk which is very real, I feel his good qualities in light if his integrity and motivation are enough to out weigh the risk. Am I crazy to continue our relationship? I have no experience whatsoever with addiction either with friends or family. I feel he deserves for me to see him for who he is sober and not judge him for his past. I do suffer from OCD so perhaps this will be relevant. Thank you and God bless.
I need some advice.
I met a very nice guy, like I see a future with him potentially. On 1st date he was completely honest and open that he is 2years sober from three addictions (sex;pot and alcohol). He underwent 12 steps and is now a sponsor himself and does service I think it's called. He was so open and told me it was a must for him that any woman knows from the very beginning and so I was floored by his honesty. He said he never dated for the two years since the recovery program does not allow any new relationships for 1 year. He told me to ask him anything I wanted. He also said that the reality is he can't guarunteee a lifelong remission and that it would be irresponsible of him tovpromise me that, and that in any addiction it's just a daily reprieve from the addiction,so I was very impressed by his candour. He literally has his phone always on for sponsees to call him and has meetings with them all through the night. He seems so motivated and dedicated. He has such insight into his past addiction by not bullshitting me about anything. He told me his family knows everything and it is not a secret that he is pat shame and it id important for him tgat everyone in the family knows. He is a devout christian and wants to organize meetings for addicts within his Church by collaborating with the priest- the ethnic middle eastern community he is part of is obviously extremely closed and hush hush about such an issue so for him to do this and expose himself to the whole community was so impressive to me. He has a list of women he has hurt through his sex addiction and has flown to other countries to specifically apologize to them. I told him I had fears obviously and he said of course and wanted me to go away and make a decision whether to continue factoring in only what I want in my life. I feel he has shown such integrity that although I fully understand the risk which is very real, I feel his good qualities in light if his integrity and motivation are enough to out weigh the risk. Am I crazy to continue our relationship? I have no experience whatsoever with addiction either with friends or family. I feel he deserves for me to see him for who he is sober and not judge him for his past. I do suffer from OCD so perhaps this will be relevant. Thank you and God bless.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Boston MA
Posts: 726
Hello!
Wow he sounds very grounded in his recovery. Honest too which is good. There are a lot of active alcoholics dating that don't even know they have a problem. Its always a risk with whom ever you date.
I have seen countless people in recovery that have years and years of continuous sobriety. I am sure more on the board will give their opinions.
I wish you the best. My suggestion would be to take it slow. I don't think this person is out to take you for a ride or deceive you.
There is much to consider though to protect your heart and feelings.
Wow he sounds very grounded in his recovery. Honest too which is good. There are a lot of active alcoholics dating that don't even know they have a problem. Its always a risk with whom ever you date.
I have seen countless people in recovery that have years and years of continuous sobriety. I am sure more on the board will give their opinions.
I wish you the best. My suggestion would be to take it slow. I don't think this person is out to take you for a ride or deceive you.
There is much to consider though to protect your heart and feelings.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by faith823 
Hello!
Wow he sounds very grounded in his recovery. Honest too which is good. There are a lot of active alcoholics dating that don't even know they have a problem. Its always a risk with whom ever you date.
I have seen countless people in recovery that have years and years of continuous sobriety. I am sure more on the board will give their opinions.
I wish you the best. My suggestion would be to take it slow. I don't think this person is out to take you for a ride or deceive you.
There is much to consider though to protect your heart and feelings.
Wow he sounds very grounded in his recovery. Honest too which is good. There are a lot of active alcoholics dating that don't even know they have a problem. Its always a risk with whom ever you date.
I have seen countless people in recovery that have years and years of continuous sobriety. I am sure more on the board will give their opinions.
I wish you the best. My suggestion would be to take it slow. I don't think this person is out to take you for a ride or deceive you.
There is much to consider though to protect your heart and feelings.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
I've never dated an admitted addict, because I've never been given that info on a first date(surprise to me!!) and don't know if/think I would. I'd take it super slow and feel like I was 'on guard'. Not sure if I could start a relationship that way. Have a read around the friends and family section. I'd even post this thread in there too.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Well, he sounds like a good and honest guy. Someone who works hard on his recovery. I would say, be aware that this work NEEDS to continue. Ongoing. For the rest of his life. There have been plenty of people struck by their new partners commitment to recovery who further down the line grow to resent that recovery as it seems to take priority over them and their relationship. And, if he is sensible, it WILL take priority, as without it the relationship is kinda doomed anyway. I suppose this can feel like there is a lack of spontaneity at times, and having to share someone with people from the fellowship is likely to be irritating at times.
Like someone else said, I would suggest take it S L O W. Like an old fashioned courtship. Get to know how it feels to be in a relationship with someone so dedicated to his recovery. He warned you for a reason. Ie. That commitment will continue. It's likely to be irritating and frustrating at times. There'd be evenings when you'd like him at home and he's going off to meetings. Will you be able to live like that - or want to live like that? Set aside how impressed you are with his dedication (like the rest of us, it isn't selfless, we do it because it makes our life better the more secure we are in our recovery). He has been honest with you so you can make an informed decision about what this relationship is likely to look like and whether you can envisage living that way, because what he's telling you is that this stuff is non-negotiable. It will carry on. It is his life. And if you ever offer an ultimatum of you or his recovery, he's not likely to pick you. He can't do that any more than someone sick and dependent on a kidney dialysis machine could choose their partner over their sessions plugged into that. There will be times when this stuff is seriously annoying.
BB
Like someone else said, I would suggest take it S L O W. Like an old fashioned courtship. Get to know how it feels to be in a relationship with someone so dedicated to his recovery. He warned you for a reason. Ie. That commitment will continue. It's likely to be irritating and frustrating at times. There'd be evenings when you'd like him at home and he's going off to meetings. Will you be able to live like that - or want to live like that? Set aside how impressed you are with his dedication (like the rest of us, it isn't selfless, we do it because it makes our life better the more secure we are in our recovery). He has been honest with you so you can make an informed decision about what this relationship is likely to look like and whether you can envisage living that way, because what he's telling you is that this stuff is non-negotiable. It will carry on. It is his life. And if you ever offer an ultimatum of you or his recovery, he's not likely to pick you. He can't do that any more than someone sick and dependent on a kidney dialysis machine could choose their partner over their sessions plugged into that. There will be times when this stuff is seriously annoying.
BB
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 5
Originally Posted by Berrybean
Well, he sounds like a good and honest guy. Someone who works hard on his recovery. I would say, be aware that this work NEEDS to continue. Ongoing. For the rest of his life. There have been plenty of people struck by their new partners commitment to recovery who further down the line grow to resent that recovery as it seems to take priority over them and their relationship. And, if he is sensible, it WILL take priority, as without it the relationship is kinda doomed anyway. I suppose this can feel like there is a lack of spontaneity at times, and having to share someone with people from the fellowship is likely to be irritating at times.
Like someone else said, I would suggest take it S L O W. Like an old fashioned courtship. Get to know how it feels to be in a relationship with someone so dedicated to his recovery. He warned you for a reason. Ie. That commitment will continue. It's likely to be irritating and frustrating at times. There'd be evenings when you'd like him at home and he's going off to meetings. Will you be able to live like that - or want to live like that? Set aside how impressed you are with his dedication (like the rest of us, it isn't selfless, we do it because it makes our life better the more secure we are in our recovery). He has been honest with you so you can make an informed decision about what this relationship is likely to look like and whether you can envisage living that way, because what he's telling you is that this stuff is non-negotiable. It will carry on. It is his life. And if you ever offer an ultimatum of you or his recovery, he's not likely to pick you. He can't do that any more than someone sick and dependent on a kidney dialysis machine could choose their partner over their sessions plugged into that. There will be times when this stuff is seriously annoying.
BB
Like someone else said, I would suggest take it S L O W. Like an old fashioned courtship. Get to know how it feels to be in a relationship with someone so dedicated to his recovery. He warned you for a reason. Ie. That commitment will continue. It's likely to be irritating and frustrating at times. There'd be evenings when you'd like him at home and he's going off to meetings. Will you be able to live like that - or want to live like that? Set aside how impressed you are with his dedication (like the rest of us, it isn't selfless, we do it because it makes our life better the more secure we are in our recovery). He has been honest with you so you can make an informed decision about what this relationship is likely to look like and whether you can envisage living that way, because what he's telling you is that this stuff is non-negotiable. It will carry on. It is his life. And if you ever offer an ultimatum of you or his recovery, he's not likely to pick you. He can't do that any more than someone sick and dependent on a kidney dialysis machine could choose their partner over their sessions plugged into that. There will be times when this stuff is seriously annoying.
BB
all my best to you
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