Have you figured out internal happiness?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 172
Have you figured out internal happiness?
I got into an argument today with someone in my family about how I organize things vs how someone else would like them organized. They asked me my opinion and I flat out said That doesn’t work for me. They got really condescending and acted as if I wasn’t trying. They really hurt me but I’m also obviously angry too. Then I sat and wished I could let this thing be. Why do I need to be affected so much by their disappointment that I don’t keep certain things organized in a way that they would want. I know how my brain works and it would be an argument later about how I did something wrong or forgot about something, or was incomplete with some other detail. Now I’ve been stewing and annoyed along with hurt. Emotions I’m obviously working through without any hopes of a liquid shield.
I feel like lately I’m working on being okay being me, but I keep hearing ways I’m coming up short, wether it’s cleaning, cooking, parenting, organizing. You get the jist.
Where does internal happiness come from. I’m not expecting to be totally okay with everything but I also figure something so trivial shouldn’t get me so upset, right? I’m looking forward to the continual clarity and intro-perspective that people talk about with becoming sober.
I feel like lately I’m working on being okay being me, but I keep hearing ways I’m coming up short, wether it’s cleaning, cooking, parenting, organizing. You get the jist.
Where does internal happiness come from. I’m not expecting to be totally okay with everything but I also figure something so trivial shouldn’t get me so upset, right? I’m looking forward to the continual clarity and intro-perspective that people talk about with becoming sober.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I think when you live with other adults there is a certain amount of conflict resolution that has to be agreed upon on an ongoing basis. Stuff I say/have said:
"We can agree to disagree."
"I'll be doing it this way, you're free to do it your way."
"This is not worth arguing about. Let's step away from this for now and get a little perspective."
"Really? I'd like to hear why your way works for you."
"I am going to walk away now since I feel like we are arguing in circles."
You get the picture. Little household chores are really not a hill worth dying on. But being right isn't something one person or another is entitled to own on every incident, either. This is just adult relationships. If it's a spouse, how about a little joint counseling? No one gets to abuse me in my own home. Obviously I can't possibly be wrong about everything! Right?
"We can agree to disagree."
"I'll be doing it this way, you're free to do it your way."
"This is not worth arguing about. Let's step away from this for now and get a little perspective."
"Really? I'd like to hear why your way works for you."
"I am going to walk away now since I feel like we are arguing in circles."
You get the picture. Little household chores are really not a hill worth dying on. But being right isn't something one person or another is entitled to own on every incident, either. This is just adult relationships. If it's a spouse, how about a little joint counseling? No one gets to abuse me in my own home. Obviously I can't possibly be wrong about everything! Right?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 634
Yep, get this too, it is no fun to feel like you're being criticised all the time. It my youth it was my VERY tidy mum and now it is my husband's new found tidiness.
I'm not sure I can really help, but I am more accepting of me. I am not tidy, no one person is the same, this is just me. I do try for the sake of my marriage but I'm not always enthusiastic about it!! If it was another family member (e,g. My mum), well that is a different story, like it or lump it (in the nicest possible way!)
I also think searching for happiness doesn't get us anywhere. I did a therapy course and we watched a video, I think it was called "the pursuit of happiness". Basically, don't chase happiness, no one is always happy, what is happy anyway? People aren't always happy, that isn't possible.
Being sober doesn't solve these things, we have to work on them. I'm by no means there either as you can tell!
I try to go with the acceptance theme, accept these things and try, try, try not to let the voice in my head get the better of me! By voice I mean the one that says, "I'm not good enough, I can't do this etc". Of course we're good enough, we're just different. It would be boring if everyone was the same.
Blimey, I'm in a chatty mood today!!
I'm not sure I can really help, but I am more accepting of me. I am not tidy, no one person is the same, this is just me. I do try for the sake of my marriage but I'm not always enthusiastic about it!! If it was another family member (e,g. My mum), well that is a different story, like it or lump it (in the nicest possible way!)
I also think searching for happiness doesn't get us anywhere. I did a therapy course and we watched a video, I think it was called "the pursuit of happiness". Basically, don't chase happiness, no one is always happy, what is happy anyway? People aren't always happy, that isn't possible.
Being sober doesn't solve these things, we have to work on them. I'm by no means there either as you can tell!
I try to go with the acceptance theme, accept these things and try, try, try not to let the voice in my head get the better of me! By voice I mean the one that says, "I'm not good enough, I can't do this etc". Of course we're good enough, we're just different. It would be boring if everyone was the same.
Blimey, I'm in a chatty mood today!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Washington state
Posts: 571
May I ask how long you have been sober?
My first year was not good as far as brain function goes.
The littlest thing set me off. It was almost like I was searching for things to set me off. And then I would stew in my juices for days.
If what had happened back then happened now (over 2 years sober), I would not respond the same. Happiness comes and goes, but at least the crazies have left the building.
My first year was not good as far as brain function goes.
The littlest thing set me off. It was almost like I was searching for things to set me off. And then I would stew in my juices for days.
If what had happened back then happened now (over 2 years sober), I would not respond the same. Happiness comes and goes, but at least the crazies have left the building.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: East Coast
Posts: 853
I find that I OBSESS over every little interaction, dispute, and disagreement. I replay things constantly in my head and even when i "win" or get my way, I can't seem to shake the feeling. I suppose it comes back to anxiety and people-pleasing. I don't know how to walk away or let things be unresolved.
So...I have tons of sympathy and no solution either
So...I have tons of sympathy and no solution either
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 100
after years of reading eastern and western philosophy i think it starts with acceptance.
accepting of others and yourself. you will never be able to change someone, so don't even try. you control how you react. well-being comes from within. it comes from accepting the present moment. realizing the present moment is all we'll ever be.
i believe the buddha was right. attachments leads to suffering. life is mostly suffering. in moments of tranquility and acceptance we can ease that pain and suffering. why is the world the way it is? many reasons but i think a big one is craving for things and "more." i look at us as addicts and i believe it is a spiritual disease. we are overcompensating for something lacking deep within us. some people do it with food, others with work, etc.
i have over 3 months sober and i am slowly becoming more peaceful on the inside. even though it feels my life is headed pretty much nowhere, the thing is there is really nowhere to go. achievements, money, fame, status in the end none of those will fix us. we believe they will but they won't. we will never reach that moment of continuous happiness and bliss. that's not the way life works.
there are no solutions, no answers to be found, nowhere to go, just accepting and being in the now as much as possible.
mastering my mind is a lot easier sober.
PS. not sure how i went on this rant but there it is. my 2 cents on the topic.
accepting of others and yourself. you will never be able to change someone, so don't even try. you control how you react. well-being comes from within. it comes from accepting the present moment. realizing the present moment is all we'll ever be.
i believe the buddha was right. attachments leads to suffering. life is mostly suffering. in moments of tranquility and acceptance we can ease that pain and suffering. why is the world the way it is? many reasons but i think a big one is craving for things and "more." i look at us as addicts and i believe it is a spiritual disease. we are overcompensating for something lacking deep within us. some people do it with food, others with work, etc.
i have over 3 months sober and i am slowly becoming more peaceful on the inside. even though it feels my life is headed pretty much nowhere, the thing is there is really nowhere to go. achievements, money, fame, status in the end none of those will fix us. we believe they will but they won't. we will never reach that moment of continuous happiness and bliss. that's not the way life works.
there are no solutions, no answers to be found, nowhere to go, just accepting and being in the now as much as possible.
mastering my mind is a lot easier sober.
PS. not sure how i went on this rant but there it is. my 2 cents on the topic.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 634
Originally Posted by readyt0change 
after years of reading eastern and western philosophy i think it starts with acceptance.
accepting of others and yourself. you will never be able to change someone, so don't even try. you control how you react. well-being comes from within. it comes from accepting the present moment. realizing the present moment is all we'll ever be.
i believe the buddha was right. attachments leads to suffering. life is mostly suffering. in moments of tranquility and acceptance we can ease that pain and suffering. why is the world the way it is? many reasons but i think a big one is craving for things and "more." i look at us as addicts and i believe it is a spiritual disease. we are overcompensating for something lacking deep within us. some people do it with food, others with work, etc.
i have over 3 months sober and i am slowly becoming more peaceful on the inside. even though it feels my life is headed pretty much nowhere, the thing is there is really nowhere to go. achievements, money, fame, status in the end none of those will fix us. we believe they will but they won't. we will never reach that moment of continuous happiness and bliss. that's not the way life works.
there are no solutions, no answers to be found, nowhere to go, just accepting and being in the now as much as possible.
mastering my mind is a lot easier sober.
PS. not sure how i went on this rant but there it is. my 2 cents on the topic.
accepting of others and yourself. you will never be able to change someone, so don't even try. you control how you react. well-being comes from within. it comes from accepting the present moment. realizing the present moment is all we'll ever be.
i believe the buddha was right. attachments leads to suffering. life is mostly suffering. in moments of tranquility and acceptance we can ease that pain and suffering. why is the world the way it is? many reasons but i think a big one is craving for things and "more." i look at us as addicts and i believe it is a spiritual disease. we are overcompensating for something lacking deep within us. some people do it with food, others with work, etc.
i have over 3 months sober and i am slowly becoming more peaceful on the inside. even though it feels my life is headed pretty much nowhere, the thing is there is really nowhere to go. achievements, money, fame, status in the end none of those will fix us. we believe they will but they won't. we will never reach that moment of continuous happiness and bliss. that's not the way life works.
there are no solutions, no answers to be found, nowhere to go, just accepting and being in the now as much as possible.
mastering my mind is a lot easier sober.
PS. not sure how i went on this rant but there it is. my 2 cents on the topic.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 937
This past Monday was a challenge. Horrible traffic, heavy rain, boss was in town, mandatory work dinner, then driving home in more bad traffic and heavy rain. I couldn’t see that well so it was stressful. Add to that some vicious cramps (sorry guys but they hurt!!)
Got home and more stress - felt like I was gonna snap.
Two years ago I’d have had wine at work dinner, driven home tipsy in that rain, bought a bottle of red and downed it while feeling sorry for myself and set myself right up for a crampy, hungover, anxious one on one meeting with my boss.
Instead I dimmed the lights, pet my dogs and watched Harry Potter. My mood began to change. Harry and friends made me smile, the dogs were soothing and I ended up sleeping well.
I had a good meeting at nine am with my boss, clear headed and rested.
Internal happiness isn’t a destination - for me, it is little choices I make every day.
Got home and more stress - felt like I was gonna snap.
Two years ago I’d have had wine at work dinner, driven home tipsy in that rain, bought a bottle of red and downed it while feeling sorry for myself and set myself right up for a crampy, hungover, anxious one on one meeting with my boss.
Instead I dimmed the lights, pet my dogs and watched Harry Potter. My mood began to change. Harry and friends made me smile, the dogs were soothing and I ended up sleeping well.
I had a good meeting at nine am with my boss, clear headed and rested.
Internal happiness isn’t a destination - for me, it is little choices I make every day.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
I read this as 2 issues. Ask yourself who keeps telling you you're doing x y and z wrong. You really don't need to put up with that. But they will keep saying it and putting you down as long as you allow them to. Of course we can't change what others say and so but we can learn to react different ly. Walk away stay calm stand up for yourself distance yourself from these people.
Your other issue. Happiness isn't getting what we want. It's wanting what we already have. Make changes to things that don't give you peace of mind. As pp said it's a journey not a destination.
Your other issue. Happiness isn't getting what we want. It's wanting what we already have. Make changes to things that don't give you peace of mind. As pp said it's a journey not a destination.
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,539
Originally Posted by doggonecarl
I pursued happiness, found it elusive.
Quit looking for it, found it everywhere.
Quit looking for it, found it everywhere.
Well guess what, its not all about me, and it's not about me feeling good.
Find a bigger more meaningful purpose for living. Feeling good will then become a byproduct of your life, rather than the purpose of it... and things will come into focus.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Bimini NAILed it!
And if this is hubby (if I'm wrong then its Mom
Or both.... ) there might be some emotional enmeshment going on? Little codie behavior maybe?
Its hard for me to stand my ground with confidence and maturity if I feel like a naughty child who isn't good enough. If my sense of me (that internal thang you're asking about it) is tied up in what I believe another person thinks of me then I'm kinda screwed. And it also assumes I KNOW what they think of me...which I don't, so it's all based on assumptions. In others words, enmeshment is a cluster that needs to be un-clustered.
While you're working through that, practice the things Bimini suggested. And know in your self that you are good just the way you are. Perfect? He!! no. And neither is he (or she) or whatever.
And if this is hubby (if I'm wrong then its Mom
Or both.... ) there might be some emotional enmeshment going on? Little codie behavior maybe? Its hard for me to stand my ground with confidence and maturity if I feel like a naughty child who isn't good enough. If my sense of me (that internal thang you're asking about it) is tied up in what I believe another person thinks of me then I'm kinda screwed. And it also assumes I KNOW what they think of me...which I don't, so it's all based on assumptions. In others words, enmeshment is a cluster that needs to be un-clustered.
While you're working through that, practice the things Bimini suggested. And know in your self that you are good just the way you are. Perfect? He!! no. And neither is he (or she) or whatever.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,432
for me internal happiness relies a lot on acceptance. Back to the old serenity prayer:
The Serenity Prayer
by Reinhold Niebuhr (1892-1971)
Complete, Unabridged, Original Version.
God, give us grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.
Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.
Amen. D
The Serenity Prayer
by Reinhold Niebuhr (1892-1971)
Complete, Unabridged, Original Version.
God, give us grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.
Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.
Amen.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 456
I read this forum every day and each day learning something new to help me make it through my day.
This post has be crying while sitting here in my recliner with my tablet. I have been going through such a difficult time relationship wise since early December and reading this thread is such a blessing to have found today.
I am finishing up day 8 here tonight, the longest I have gone since joining here and I just had to post and say that the genuine caring and support here is such a lifesaver to so many of us. Quiet readers as myself lately do hear and feel you. xo
(Readygo: I feel like lately I’m working on being okay being me) that sounds like a good start.
This post has be crying while sitting here in my recliner with my tablet. I have been going through such a difficult time relationship wise since early December and reading this thread is such a blessing to have found today.
I am finishing up day 8 here tonight, the longest I have gone since joining here and I just had to post and say that the genuine caring and support here is such a lifesaver to so many of us. Quiet readers as myself lately do hear and feel you. xo
(Readygo: I feel like lately I’m working on being okay being me) that sounds like a good start.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,776
Find a bigger more meaningful purpose for living. Feeling good will then become a byproduct of your life, rather than the purpose of it...
Oh, and I also get great internal happiness from petting and interacting with my dogs and cats.
The kind that makes me feel all's well with my world. Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 172
Thank you everyone!! I am going to try to implore some of these. It’s hard. I tried this morning with another argument about the fact that coffee grounds were on the floor and I don’t pick that stuff up right away because honestly things like that don’t bug me and things seem to be on the kitchen floor so I usually get to a point where I vaccum. I made the comment that they can do it their way and I’ll do it my way. Which was followed by my comment about feeling like they are getting on me for everything lately. To which the other person pointed out something that was bugging them that they hadn’t brought up. Oh joy.
Anyway, thank you, I know this person is stressed but I never know if that’s how they triply feel or if it’s temporary stress because stress seemed to be with them often.
It’s hard trying to find happiness when someone else can bring you down with a few words.
Anyway, thank you, I know this person is stressed but I never know if that’s how they triply feel or if it’s temporary stress because stress seemed to be with them often.
It’s hard trying to find happiness when someone else can bring you down with a few words.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 172
Originally Posted by time2LLL60
I read this forum every day and each day learning something new to help me make it through my day.
This post has be crying while sitting here in my recliner with my tablet. I have been going through such a difficult time relationship wise since early December and reading this thread is such a blessing to have found today.
I am finishing up day 8 here tonight, the longest I have gone since joining here and I just had to post and say that the genuine caring and support here is such a lifesaver to so many of us. Quiet readers as myself lately do hear and feel you. xo
(Readygo: I feel like lately I’m working on being okay being me) that sounds like a good start.
This post has be crying while sitting here in my recliner with my tablet. I have been going through such a difficult time relationship wise since early December and reading this thread is such a blessing to have found today.
I am finishing up day 8 here tonight, the longest I have gone since joining here and I just had to post and say that the genuine caring and support here is such a lifesaver to so many of us. Quiet readers as myself lately do hear and feel you. xo
(Readygo: I feel like lately I’m working on being okay being me) that sounds like a good start.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 172
Originally Posted by madgirl
This past Monday was a challenge. Horrible traffic, heavy rain, boss was in town, mandatory work dinner, then driving home in more bad traffic and heavy rain. I couldn’t see that well so it was stressful. Add to that some vicious cramps (sorry guys but they hurt!!)
Got home and more stress - felt like I was gonna snap.
Two years ago I’d have had wine at work dinner, driven home tipsy in that rain, bought a bottle of red and downed it while feeling sorry for myself and set myself right up for a crampy, hungover, anxious one on one meeting with my boss.
Instead I dimmed the lights, pet my dogs and watched Harry Potter. My mood began to change. Harry and friends made me smile, the dogs were soothing and I ended up sleeping well.
I had a good meeting at nine am with my boss, clear headed and rested.
Internal happiness isn’t a destination - for me, it is little choices I make every day.
Got home and more stress - felt like I was gonna snap.
Two years ago I’d have had wine at work dinner, driven home tipsy in that rain, bought a bottle of red and downed it while feeling sorry for myself and set myself right up for a crampy, hungover, anxious one on one meeting with my boss.
Instead I dimmed the lights, pet my dogs and watched Harry Potter. My mood began to change. Harry and friends made me smile, the dogs were soothing and I ended up sleeping well.
I had a good meeting at nine am with my boss, clear headed and rested.
Internal happiness isn’t a destination - for me, it is little choices I make every day.
Congrats on a good meeting with the boss too, that’s a good pay off!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 172
Originally Posted by Dee74
for me internal happiness relies a lot on acceptance. Back to the old serenity prayer:
D
D
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
