Givenup2018

The last few days have been awful. Not because he is drinking, he is going to AA avidly but I am falling apart. I moved into spare bedroom, I can barely look at him. I am lost, I feel I cannot bare to see him, I am tired of what he says, he sounds like a broken record. I want him to realize the depth of the damage he has done to me, but there is no understanding. Why do I crave this acknowledgement? What is wrong with me?
I am tired of holding it together, tired of pretending I can do this. I talked to a friend she said I should let it out.
When do I just let go and give up. I asked him to leave, he packed his bags, he came to me and begged me to give him another chance. Sometimes I wish he had died, it would be easier. How can I get past this? Why do I still allow him to suck me in, over and over?
My head is aching, my eyes are cried out. He gets to go to AA which he says makes him feel good about himself, whereas I get to be the collateral damage.

AnvilheadII

now is the time to do things for your own healing.

FeelingGreat

Al-anon, GU. It's there for you not him. Counselling if you can arrange it. It's not unusual for the partner to collapse once out of immediate crisis mode.

What you're going through is normal and I suggest you don't make any important decisions until you've talked it through with someone neutral .

Givenup2018

I saw a counsellor last week but now I’m falling apart. I’ve talked to close friends. They told me to leave but I cannot throw it all away, yet I cannot see him or bear to hear him. I hate him for what he has done to me.
I have to calm down and pull myself together but I’m a wreck, I do not know what is real or a lie anymore.

SparkleKitty

And you're not going to untangle this knot by forcing yourself to ignore what you are feeling in an effort to maintain the status quo or to protect some idea of what your relationship needs to be like right now.

Honor your feelings. If you need space, take it, because no one will give it to you. Sometimes time and distance are the only things that can give us the perspective we need to deal with what life has brought us.

dandylion

Givenup.....putting down the bottle is a necessary first step...but, that is not enough to bring about the kinds of changes that I think you are talking about....the kinds of changes that change the alcoholic thinking and attitude--change in behaviors...come from working a vigorous program (AA) and doing the hard work that is required.
It is quite of ten that the partner hangs all their hope on the partner to quit drinking and think that all of the relationship problems will be solved, if that happens....It is a big shock when this does not come to pass....
By the way---he has had two relapses in the past month, or so...if I am correct...?
This leads me to believe that he is not working his program as his first priority...

For a lot of marriages, there has been too much damage...too much water under the bridge....It is best if both partners are working a program, simultaneously....at least, that gives the best chance for the marriage to be salvaged. the partner needs as much support as the alcoholic.
I suspect that one counselor meeting, each week, is not enough. Alanon meetings would be a good support for you, in addition to the counselor....
If you were abused in the relationship...a different kind of counseling--by workers trained in this field is required. (you don't have to be hit to be abused--there are many types of mental and psychological abuse).....

Just because someone quits drinking is not always enough to change who they are at baseline....
It is o.k. if your marriage is not enough for you, any longer....
You were put on this earth to thrive...not to just exist...

I sure hope that you are reading all of the articles that I gave you in my previous post....lol...there is enough for you to read one every day....

If you can get a break from him for a little while, it would give you some time to clear your head and think about what you need and want to do.
You sound overwhelmed, right now...a break would do you some good....

You cannot control him or change who he is....
Your happiness is your responsibility to attend to...he may not be able or willing to do so....at least, not now...
You have a lot of years of life to live, still....
don't make the mistake of throwing them away behind someone else's alcoholism...-

Givenup2018

Thankyou all and DandyLion, I realise what you are saying. Yes I have read some of the articles. My problem is I live in an area in Asia which does not have an active Alanon, but has AA meetings. I have tried the online Alanon, but it is not quite the same. I think he is serious this time about sticking with AA. He has gone overseas on a work trip and has found the local AA as he intends to go a few times a week.
I know I have to focus on me, I am taking the space right now and reading and thinking. I just don't know if I have it in me anymore. I feel like glass, one more crisis and I will disintegrate. One day at a time. I never thought really actively doing the steps for myself but it looks like I need to.