Did you feel like an out of control child?

Old 01-26-2018, 11:13 PM
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Did you feel like an out of control child?

I posted in the wrong area, so am reposting here......

Its been six weeks since I told him I was done and moved into my own room. I haven't been able to even look at him, much less let him touch me. He seems like a stranger. After a long 20 years, hes 16 days sober. We had a long talk last night. He listened more than he talked. I shared with him my plan for me and the boys to leave if I need to. Today I told him I wanted to put half of our tax return in my own account, to be used as an emergency fund for me so I don't feel trapped. He said I can put the whole amount in there if it helps me. I was sceptical and said so and he said he had 18 years to make up to me. This is him as his normal self (before he starts drinking in the evening.)
He asked if Id cut his hair. I thought Id meet him in the middle since I can see he is at least trying. I can tell he is genuine, but honestly, I don't even trust my own emotions anymore. I didn't want to but it was a way to extend the olive branch.
I barely got through it and just couldn't do it. I had to touch him to cut his hair. I got shaky and started crying and walked off. I flinch when I think about him touching me. This is STUPID. I haven't been beat or mentally or sexually abused. Yes, there's a lot of hurt, anger and resentment for things he's done while drunk. But feeling this is way is just overboard, and has come out since I finally decided I was done. It has gotten worse in the past week.
It will be a few weeks until I can get in to see my counselor. Meanwhile I am baffled by my emotions. Wow, it just occurred to me, I think I am scared to death to get close to him and trust him again.
Ladies, have you been through this? What did you do, did you work through it?
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Old 01-26-2018, 11:21 PM
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Wamama...the time that I felt like you describe was when I was going through a very painful breakup of an almost 4yr. relationship. I was grieving so hard!!! I had a kalidescope of feelings....
I soldiered through all the pain...because there was no other choice...no other way....I thought it would kill me...but, it didn't!! After I finished grieving...I went on to have a wonderful rest of my life.....
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Old 01-26-2018, 11:53 PM
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Im relieved to know I'm not an out of control freak. I feel like one though.
I am grieving...lost years, regrets, everything a spouse of an alcoholic feels. I know Ill get through it, I am strong, I am determined and I am stubborn. I just feel like I'm overreacting and I feel like a fool. You are such an encouraging person, thank you.
Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Wamama...the time that I felt like you describe was when I was going through a very painful breakup of an almost 4yr. relationship. I was grieving so hard!!! I had a kalidescope of feelings....
I soldiered through all the pain...because there was no other choice...no other way....I thought it would kill me...but, it didn't!! After I finished grieving...I went on to have a wonderful rest of my life.....
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Old 01-27-2018, 12:11 AM
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Wamama....there were a few things that helped me through the hard part of the grieving....I will share them if you are interested....
I was such a hot mess.
Crying was one thing that helped me...and, believe me...I cried oceans of tears...
Mother Nature gave us tears for several reasons...and, relief from pain is one of them....
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Old 01-27-2018, 02:05 AM
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I'm interested,
share away.
Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Wamama....there were a few things that helped me through the hard part of the grieving....I will share them if you are interested....
I was such a hot mess.
Crying was one thing that helped me...and, believe me...I cried oceans of tears...
Mother Nature gave us tears for several reasons...and, relief from pain is one of them....
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Old 01-27-2018, 03:16 AM
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Originally Posted by Wamama48 View Post
I flinch when I think about him touching me. This is STUPID. I haven't been beat or mentally or sexually abused. Yes, there's a lot of hurt, anger and resentment for things he's done while drunk. But feeling this is way is just overboard, and has come out since I finally decided I was done. It has gotten worse in the past week.
Wama, the feelings you have are the feelings you have. There is no set of rules for what you "should" be feeling or how strong that feeling is allowed to be. In my experience, the best thing to do is to feel each feeling as fully as you can. The following line is from Oriah Mountain Dreamer's poem "The Invitation":

I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it, or fade it, or fix it.

(link to full poem here if you're interested: Poetry - Oriah Mountain Dreamer - The Invitation - It doesn't interest me what you do for a living)

I had seen the poem many times over the course of my life, but I never understood those words until I came to SR and started working through into my own recovery. Like dandy, there were times where I thought I couldn't live through the pain, but truly, the only way out of it is through it. If you "hide it or fade it or fix it", it'll just come back around some other time, dressed up in another way, and blindside you then.

One of the things that helps me when I feel overwhelmed by emotions, memories, or life in general is to do the "Mountain Meditation." You can find many versions of this online, both as audio/video and as a written script. The gist of it is to feel yourself sitting as a mountain, solid, grounded, immovable. All around you the wind blows, the sun shines, the rain or snow falls. All over your surface, the seasons change, plants grow and die, animals are born and die. But through it all, your essential self remains--calm, peaceful.

For me, picturing all those emotions as nothing but weather--strong storms that roar in the treetops but ultimately and eventually pass while leaving me still strong, solid and unchanged--was and still is very important.
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Old 01-27-2018, 04:25 AM
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when i am mad or upset at my husband, the last thing i'm going to do is get near him with a pair of scissors!

please pay attention to your feelings. honor them. don't shush them or shoo them away. if you feel uncomfortable around your husband, then so be it.
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Old 01-27-2018, 04:39 AM
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Wamama,
Yes, my AH is about 2 months sober... and I am a mess. It is a bit better now. Distance from him I believe is what helped me a bit which is hard as we are in the same house. Sounds to me like you are grieving...grieving the could have, should have, would have’s... and it’s OKAY. You are okay. Let yourself cry, I agree with dandylion (who Yes, is an amazing being).
When my AH was still drinking I went on auto pilot, I didn’t cry I got through, and when he decided to get sober my emotions spilled-all the feelings I wouldn’t let myself acknowledge for so long came to the surface and refused to be denied any longer. It gets better, I promise. And I also agree that you sound like you are done and you are grieving the relationship and who wouldn’t?
Let yourself grieve and know that you are ok and you are enough. Doesn’t matter what he thinks or is doing...this is about you. There is no normal here, there is just your normal. Hugs to you!
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Old 01-27-2018, 07:49 AM
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Wamama.....one of the exercises that was so very helpful, for me, was what I call the "Wailing Wall".....
this is how it goes....
Find a place where you are completely alone...(otherwise, onlookers may think you have flipped your bonnet)....lol...
I liked to go to a meadow on the edge of the woods....
Imagine that a person that you have strong emotions about is seated a few feet in front of you, as you face them.
Then, begin saying whatever is in your heart or mind to them. do NOT edit it...let it all come pouring out....anything that you would like to say or for them to hear....And/or....you can even scream at God or the Universe....
Keep going until it is all said...Scream if it feels good...the louder/the better....
Keep going until the tears have the mascara streaming down you face and the snot is flowing....keep going until you can't find any more to say....sob until there are no more tears will come....

This exercise will get you through some terrible pain. You can do it as often as you need/want to...
You can do a mini-version...in your car or in your house, or in your back yard...if you can truly be alone.
It really helps to externalize a lot of the negative energy and pain that is bottled up, inside....like you have shared it with the Universe and you are being heard....

***Some religions actually have this as part of their healing ritual for when a loved one is lost.....
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Old 01-27-2018, 08:42 AM
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It’s amazing what happens to us in dealing with an addict. I relate SO much to your post. In my heart I loved and cared for my qualifier deeply. When he disappeared on his benders I wanted nothing more than to hold him and consume him with my love, wrap my arms around him, never let him go. I was literally going through withdrawals. When he would show back up however, post-detox and newly sober, I felt extreme resentment and anger to the exact points you mention. I didn’t want him touching me. I would even flinch when he did. It felt so crazy because i loved this man so much and was a maniac watching over his drinking, yet when he had sober periods I wanted nothing to do with him. Normally before all the relapses started we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. I was so loving and warm but after all the damage was done I turned into a cold hearted B. He would reach over to get romantic, and I would just freeze. I couldn’t stand his touch anymore. It’s as though all of the anger and hurts and traumas were manifesting and coming out this way.

I felt crazy. That’s what addiction does to all involved. That’s why it’s a family disease. We all get to go along for the ride!
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Old 01-27-2018, 03:21 PM
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Can't tell what is real

Originally Posted by ScaryTime View Post
Wamama,
Yes, my AH is about 2 months sober... and I am a mess. It is a bit better now.
When my AH was still drinking I went on auto pilot, I didn’t cry I got through, and when he decided to get sober my emotions spilled-all the feelings I wouldn’t let myself acknowledge for so long came to the surface and refused to be denied any longer.
This very exact thing happened to me, all the feelings I didn't acknowledge and I wanted him to do something about it but he couldn't.
It went from that to thinking the same thing he did sober last time
( a major betrayal) was happening again. From there I had to detach and protect myself. I literally can't tell what is real. Thank you for putting that out there.
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Old 01-27-2018, 03:54 PM
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when i first got sober ('87) i had a hard time with the whole reality thing......as in i didn't really trust MY OWN concept.

i remember being in the kitchen with my roommate and banging on the fridge, asking:

is this a refrigerator????

yes he replied.

and it's not BLUE right?

no, it's not blue.

it's WHITE, right?

yes.

ok this is good, i could now identify a kitchen appliance AND it's color. when things got a bit sticky, as they do in early recovery, i often gave the ole fridge a good solid pat.....yup, still a fridge. it helped to ground me......give me a starting point, one thing i could rely upon.
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Old 01-27-2018, 05:44 PM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
when i first got sober ('87) i had a hard time with the whole reality thing......as in i didn't really trust MY OWN concept.

i remember being in the kitchen with my roommate and banging on the fridge, asking:

is this a refrigerator????

yes he replied.

and it's not BLUE right?

no, it's not blue.

it's WHITE, right?

yes.

ok this is good, i could now identify a kitchen appliance AND it's color. when things got a bit sticky, as they do in early recovery, i often gave the ole fridge a good solid pat.....yup, still a fridge. it helped to ground me......give me a starting point, one thing i could rely upon.
Thank you SO MUCH for sharing this!!!

One day at a time...

One day at a time...

things do get better!

Running a marathon of emotions today and holding on to... anything... signs from the universe... normality in shopping... for nothing to buy, just to explore, be a part of life and not really have to interact with people too much today.

Wamama, yes... I do understand. (((Hugs)))
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Old 01-27-2018, 05:52 PM
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Originally Posted by kayleezen View Post
This very exact thing happened to me, all the feelings I didn't acknowledge and I wanted him to do something about it but he couldn't.
It went from that to thinking the same thing he did sober last time
( a major betrayal) was happening again. From there I had to detach and protect myself. I literally can't tell what is real. Thank you for putting that out there.
Sure makes you feel like you are losing your mind though!
Hugs to you!
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Old 01-28-2018, 12:05 AM
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You guys are the bees knees. Soooo much good advice, so much to think about and mull over in my mind. Ill come back in a few days to comment on the advice many have given me, and let you know what's working. I'm thankful to you for taking time from your day to help. 😍
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Old 01-28-2018, 12:12 AM
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When I first read your post about going out into the woods and telling imaginary him everything,
no editing, I immediately tensed up and started shaking my head no. Then it occurred to me...even though its the last thing I want to do, that means I really need to do it. My Mastiff Piper and I trapse around in the woods several times a week. Its my relaxation,
my thinking and crying time. So Ill be talking to imaginary him very soon. 😊
Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Wamama.....one of the exercises that was so very helpful, for me, was what I call the "Wailing Wall".....
this is how it goes....
Find a place where you are completely alone...(otherwise, onlookers may think you have flipped your bonnet)....lol...
I liked to go to a meadow on the edge of the woods....
Imagine that a person that you have strong emotions about is seated a few feet in front of you, as you face them.
Then, begin saying whatever is in your heart or mind to them. do NOT edit it...let it all come pouring out....anything that you would like to say or for them to hear....And/or....you can even scream at God or the Universe....
Keep going until it is all said...Scream if it feels good...the louder/the better....
Keep going until the tears have the mascara streaming down you face and the snot is flowing....keep going until you can't find any more to say....sob until there are no more tears will come....

This exercise will get you through some terrible pain. You can do it as often as you need/want to...
You can do a mini-version...in your car or in your house, or in your back yard...if you can truly be alone.
It really helps to externalize a lot of the negative energy and pain that is bottled up, inside....like you have shared it with the Universe and you are being heard....

***Some religions actually have this as part of their healing ritual for when a loved one is lost.....
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Old 01-28-2018, 10:04 PM
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I flinch when I think about him touching me. This is STUPID. I haven't been beat or mentally or sexually abused. Yes, there's a lot of hurt, anger and resentment for things he's done while drunk. But feeling this is way is just overboard, and has come out since I finally decided I was done. It has gotten worse in the past week.
It will be a few weeks until I can get in to see my counselor. Meanwhile I am baffled by my emotions. Wow, it just occurred to me, I think I am scared to death to get close to him and trust him again.
Ladies, have you been through this? What did you do, did you work through it?


I still feel this way after my H has been out of rehab for a year and has been doing great sobriety wise and has really changed (and I have never been physically or sexually abused either but all the years of alcoholism and everything that comes with it is technically a form of emotional abuse). I think I had just been on autopilot for so long prior to that and for the most part just doing my "wifely duties" from time to time that once the alcoholic cat was out of the bag I was finally allowed to feel what I really felt, and that was repulsion resulting from many years of having to smell alcohol just walking into the bedroom at night and also resentment over the situation etc. That stuff takes a toll.
Per an earlier thread it also is more common than you think apparently for the non alcoholic partner to feel this way (that goes for both men and women). It made me feel a little less of a jerk because I really felt like I was the only one especially since my H is doing well and I "should" just get over myself. But the years of addition really do a number on people. The addict hasn't really been there for us for emotional intimacy and physical intimacy can obviously be affected for one or more reasons.
Don't be too hard on yourself. He has only been sober for a very short time. Give yourself time to deal with this and if you avent already done so read the thread from a few days ago about physical repulsion after spouse gets sober. I found it very helpful to help me sort through my feelings. It didn't do anything to improve the situation but it validated that I'm not the only one that feels this way and made me more aware of the why on some of it. And that of course is helpful.
They really cannot expect the non alcoholic spouse to just welcome them back with open arms once they get sober. There has been so much hurt etc that needs to be worked through. I'm pretty sure if I had welcomed my H back with open arms we would've quickly fallen back into the codependent unhealthy relationship because I would not have addressed my issues adequately at that point. He has admitted that that would've been very liked the case.
I'm still working on stuff myself now. I honestly don't know if I will ever get over that feeling. It is hard to imagine that you can go from just cringing at the thought of having someone touch you back to being in a loving intimate relationship.
Only time will tell so give yourself a break and take your time to work through stuff. He is still very early up in recovery which oftentimes can be worse emotionally than when they were still drinking
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Old 01-28-2018, 10:35 PM
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Sleepyhollo thank you! Several others replied that they have gone through the same thing. I really thought I was losing it. I explained how I felt to my AH and he is hurt and doesn't understand. But he said he won't touch me if that's what I want. Its not a matter of want, its a need right now. I cringe when he walks by me. I can understand your guilt with feeling that way with your husband when he is doing so well. Just like the damage wasn't done overnight, the damage won't be worked through overnight either. We can cheer them on in their successes, but they have to earn back that trust. Thanks for sharing, it really helped. 😁
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Old 01-29-2018, 05:42 AM
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Just wanted to share some insight...

I have done a lot of reading about the survival of relationships after addiction recovery... one thing that struck me hard was this...

In family counseling, the recovering addict with a couple months sober was commenting on how his wife did not trust him and was not very welcoming.... the therapist asked the man how long he had been in active addiction.. the man said 15+ years.... The therapist then went to point out that he was only 2 month sober... so the amount of time to do the damage was much longer than the recovery time being given their partner to recover... the husband then just sat quiet having gotten the point.

Long winded I know, but the point is, often times the recovering addict expects things to change right away... not realizing that like themselves, it will take time to recover/heal/restart the relationship... years of damage can simply not be repaired in months.

Recovery, whether it is addiction or relationships, takes time, and most of us want instant gratification..... patience is a virtue... one that most of us could stand more of. I know I could.

T
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Old 01-29-2018, 07:00 PM
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I can very much relate to what the therapist said. Thank you for sharing. It makes a lot of sense. There was __ number of YEARS of damage stacked up, each one a thin layer. One thin layer stacked on top of another for years. Then the tower couldn't hold itself up anymore and fell, shattering into hundreds of pieces.Those pieces wont just disappear. They have to be painfully picked up one by one. There is no timeframe, but suffice it to say it will take a very long time to pick up those pieces. And the pieces may never be picked up, they might just lay shattered on the ground, unable to be moved. That's the analogy that came into my head.

Originally Posted by Spence7471 View Post
Just wanted to share some insight...

I have done a lot of reading about the survival of relationships after addiction recovery... one thing that struck me hard was this...

In family counseling, the recovering addict with a couple months sober was commenting on how his wife did not trust him and was not very welcoming.... the therapist asked the man how long he had been in active addiction.. the man said 15+ years.... The therapist then went to point out that he was only 2 month sober... so the amount of time to do the damage was much longer than the recovery time being given their partner to recover... the husband then just sat quiet having gotten the point.

Long winded I know, but the point is, often times the recovering addict expects things to change right away... not realizing that like themselves, it will take time to recover/heal/restart the relationship... years of damage can simply not be repaired in months.

Recovery, whether it is addiction or relationships, takes time, and most of us want instant gratification..... patience is a virtue... one that most of us could stand more of. I know I could.

T
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