Infidelity: How to be strong when my alcoholic wife cheated and hid it for 14 months?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 6
Infidelity: How to be strong when my alcoholic wife cheated and hid it for 14 months?
A few weeks ago my wife (of 3 1/2 years, no children) told me that she had cheated on me 14 months earlier, while on a business trip in Mexico. She’s a recovering alcoholic, and admits that this happened when she got drunk in a Mexican bar. What’s worse is that her ****** female friend/co-worker (who WAS my friend too) was there and, encouraged it to happen, though that’s a story for another day. In any case, she slept with a random guy, and then felt tremendous remorse the next day when sober
When she returned, I had to leave almost immediately to see my family for a reunion. I could tell she was upset, but chalked it up to the many multiple instances of her feeling constantly stressed due to her job. In addition, several times that years, she would go out for one drink with friends/co-workers, and wouldn’t come back until 5am, completely drunk and irrational. I expressed my fears to her each and every morning after, that if she continued, I feared she would cheat on me or possibly get raped. In short, when she returned from Mexico, possibly ready to tell me what happened in Mexico, I was frustrated with her constant sad demeanor, and in hindsight, I should’ve been there.
So, the cheating of November 2016 led to December 2016, where she told me of at least two other drunken instances: 1) kissing/making out at party, and 2) a possible sexual assault. I never knew about #2 but bc of it, she stopped sleeping with me for a month, concerned about any possible STDs (tests came back fine). It pains me to know that a man took advantage of her in such a vulnerable state.
Besides one more drunken kissing (this time with a woman) incident in January 2017, she decided to become sober and did a great job (besides three minor relapses that did not result in infidelity) sticking with a healthy eating and exercise regimen. But during 2017, Her SOBER self hid the horrific things her DRUNKEN self did. How can I reconcile the fact that 14 months of our lives are basically a lie?
In any case , she admitted to this about two and a half weeks ago and my world has NOT been the same since. Since then, I’ve gone through what feels like Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, and find myself CONSTANTLY thinking bad thoughts (like, “if she knew there was a condom on the guy from mexico,then she obviously wasn’t TOO drunk and could’ve stopped it.”, or “did she go down on him?”, or “was he stronger/more attractive than me?”) to doubts about the future... like, “even if I improve my flaws, and even if she is very committed to staying sober, what’s to say that this won’t happen again if she relapses?”
And now she tells me that she needs to leave on ANOTHER work trip in about a week, for three days. As a reminder, she cheated on me on a similar work trip to Mexico, though obviously she knows I’ll be calling/checking in on her very often when she leaves.
Guys... when does this get better? When can I wake up in bed and not get that painful realization a minute later that, “your wife cheated and covered it up for 14 months?” How do I stop the bad thoughts that make me visualize a stranger having the time of his life at my wife’s expense? I trust her as a sober person, but how do I trust her knowing the demon of alcoholism still lurks inside of her?
To her end, she DID confess (obviously 14 months later) and is trying very hard to change/grow and distance herself from alcohol. However, my greatest fear is this: that if I forgive her and she fails me, then we are no longer partners or even friends. If this happens, she will cause me to have real trust issues with ANY future relationship I may have.
What do I do?
When she returned, I had to leave almost immediately to see my family for a reunion. I could tell she was upset, but chalked it up to the many multiple instances of her feeling constantly stressed due to her job. In addition, several times that years, she would go out for one drink with friends/co-workers, and wouldn’t come back until 5am, completely drunk and irrational. I expressed my fears to her each and every morning after, that if she continued, I feared she would cheat on me or possibly get raped. In short, when she returned from Mexico, possibly ready to tell me what happened in Mexico, I was frustrated with her constant sad demeanor, and in hindsight, I should’ve been there.
So, the cheating of November 2016 led to December 2016, where she told me of at least two other drunken instances: 1) kissing/making out at party, and 2) a possible sexual assault. I never knew about #2 but bc of it, she stopped sleeping with me for a month, concerned about any possible STDs (tests came back fine). It pains me to know that a man took advantage of her in such a vulnerable state.
Besides one more drunken kissing (this time with a woman) incident in January 2017, she decided to become sober and did a great job (besides three minor relapses that did not result in infidelity) sticking with a healthy eating and exercise regimen. But during 2017, Her SOBER self hid the horrific things her DRUNKEN self did. How can I reconcile the fact that 14 months of our lives are basically a lie?
In any case , she admitted to this about two and a half weeks ago and my world has NOT been the same since. Since then, I’ve gone through what feels like Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, and find myself CONSTANTLY thinking bad thoughts (like, “if she knew there was a condom on the guy from mexico,then she obviously wasn’t TOO drunk and could’ve stopped it.”, or “did she go down on him?”, or “was he stronger/more attractive than me?”) to doubts about the future... like, “even if I improve my flaws, and even if she is very committed to staying sober, what’s to say that this won’t happen again if she relapses?”
And now she tells me that she needs to leave on ANOTHER work trip in about a week, for three days. As a reminder, she cheated on me on a similar work trip to Mexico, though obviously she knows I’ll be calling/checking in on her very often when she leaves.
Guys... when does this get better? When can I wake up in bed and not get that painful realization a minute later that, “your wife cheated and covered it up for 14 months?” How do I stop the bad thoughts that make me visualize a stranger having the time of his life at my wife’s expense? I trust her as a sober person, but how do I trust her knowing the demon of alcoholism still lurks inside of her?
To her end, she DID confess (obviously 14 months later) and is trying very hard to change/grow and distance herself from alcohol. However, my greatest fear is this: that if I forgive her and she fails me, then we are no longer partners or even friends. If this happens, she will cause me to have real trust issues with ANY future relationship I may have.
What do I do?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 869
I'm sorry I don't have much to add as an un-married person, but my alcoholic boyfriend (ex) cheated on me several times. The one where I found out was an affair that lasted several months and devastated me. I forgave him, but I never forgot. Not that it mattered because things in general were getting worse outside of the cheating so really I never had the opportunity to get past it since there was always another bomb going off somewhere else. One thing to please keep in mind is that there are MANY alcoholics that do NOT cheat. I feel that tying this back to her drinking is a bit of a cop out for her. Also, you mentioned you feel bad a man took advantage of her. Not to say she may not have been assaulted, but it really just sounds to me like someone who was at least at one point, completely out of control with no regard for herself, much less you.
That is one thing I really needed to get past and understand when I was hurt by the addict, is that he didn't care about himself. He drank because he hated himself. What made me think he was going to treat me respectfully if he couldn't treat himself with respect?
So now it's been about a year past the incident....She's going on another trip where something may or may not happen. It doesn't matter if you play babysitter across the way. You mention checking up on her but I highly suggest you reconsider that. Not only will it not prevent anything from happening, you may drive her away if you start behaving jealous or controlling eventhough she hurt you and it makes sense for you. But it will not solve anything. She is going to do what she is going to do and all the checking up on her won't do squat. Now I am not saying to trust her necessarily and you should just trust she will "be good", because that trust has been broken. But I would instead say to take the time that she is away and think about what you truly want. Think about whether you can move past these incidences and are committed to doing so. If you don't think you will ever trust her again, think about whether you think you can be truly happy.
I'm sorry for your pain. It's probably the most painful thing anyone has ever done to me. I did the same thinking about whether the woman was prettier than me, were they romantic ever...did they cuddle, was it just sex. It's a real painful experience. Don't let it get you down. It says everything about them, nothing about you.
Does she honestly seem committed to a real program and telling you is part of her making amends? What kind of recovery program is she in? It sounds like these incidences were all over a year ago so hopefully she really is working a program and is growing and that was part of other issues she has.
That is one thing I really needed to get past and understand when I was hurt by the addict, is that he didn't care about himself. He drank because he hated himself. What made me think he was going to treat me respectfully if he couldn't treat himself with respect?
So now it's been about a year past the incident....She's going on another trip where something may or may not happen. It doesn't matter if you play babysitter across the way. You mention checking up on her but I highly suggest you reconsider that. Not only will it not prevent anything from happening, you may drive her away if you start behaving jealous or controlling eventhough she hurt you and it makes sense for you. But it will not solve anything. She is going to do what she is going to do and all the checking up on her won't do squat. Now I am not saying to trust her necessarily and you should just trust she will "be good", because that trust has been broken. But I would instead say to take the time that she is away and think about what you truly want. Think about whether you can move past these incidences and are committed to doing so. If you don't think you will ever trust her again, think about whether you think you can be truly happy.
I'm sorry for your pain. It's probably the most painful thing anyone has ever done to me. I did the same thinking about whether the woman was prettier than me, were they romantic ever...did they cuddle, was it just sex. It's a real painful experience. Don't let it get you down. It says everything about them, nothing about you.
Does she honestly seem committed to a real program and telling you is part of her making amends? What kind of recovery program is she in? It sounds like these incidences were all over a year ago so hopefully she really is working a program and is growing and that was part of other issues she has.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
“I trust her as a sober person, but how do I trust her knowing the demon of alcoholism still lurks inside of her?“
For me, this is why an addict/alkie is a deal breaker to have a relationship with. I would always be looking over my shoulder waiting for the other shoe to drop. She could be pure as the driven, white snow when she leaves for business on a Tuesday morning with all the best intentions in the world, Then she gets around some work buddies who want to meet in the bar before going to dinner. She thinks, what’s the harm - you’re not there to judge her. She throws down a couple with a couple more at dinner then BAM hits the bars later with or without her work buddies. Is she commited to a sobriety program or is she just white knuckling her not drinking?
For me, this is why an addict/alkie is a deal breaker to have a relationship with. I would always be looking over my shoulder waiting for the other shoe to drop. She could be pure as the driven, white snow when she leaves for business on a Tuesday morning with all the best intentions in the world, Then she gets around some work buddies who want to meet in the bar before going to dinner. She thinks, what’s the harm - you’re not there to judge her. She throws down a couple with a couple more at dinner then BAM hits the bars later with or without her work buddies. Is she commited to a sobriety program or is she just white knuckling her not drinking?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Wcabs...I get a feeling that she is not following an intensive alcoholism program...like AA...
The alcoholics that I know who are into genuine recovery programs...always go to AA meetings when they are traveling out of town for work...etc.....they don't go drinking in bars...ESPECIALLY in early recovery....
do you know what a strong program consists of?
The alcoholics that I know who are into genuine recovery programs...always go to AA meetings when they are traveling out of town for work...etc.....they don't go drinking in bars...ESPECIALLY in early recovery....
do you know what a strong program consists of?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,979
Welcome Wcabs. I'm glad you found us and so very sorry for what brings you here.
Less than a month in recovery with slips is hardly even starting sobriety. I do hope she succeeds at staying sober however the saying around here is "hope is not a plan". More will certainly be revealed as time goes by however sobriety is a very difficult thing to achieve for most alcoholics.
Please educate yourself about alcoholism and codependency. Let us know how you get on.
Less than a month in recovery with slips is hardly even starting sobriety. I do hope she succeeds at staying sober however the saying around here is "hope is not a plan". More will certainly be revealed as time goes by however sobriety is a very difficult thing to achieve for most alcoholics.
Please educate yourself about alcoholism and codependency. Let us know how you get on.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by Bekindalways 
Welcome Wcabs. I'm glad you found us and so very sorry for what brings you here.
Less than a month in recovery with slips is hardly even starting sobriety. I do hope she succeeds at staying sober however the saying around here is "hope is not a plan". More will certainly be revealed as time goes by however sobriety is a very difficult thing to achieve for most alcoholics.
Please educate yourself about alcoholism and codependency. Let us know how you get on.
Less than a month in recovery with slips is hardly even starting sobriety. I do hope she succeeds at staying sober however the saying around here is "hope is not a plan". More will certainly be revealed as time goes by however sobriety is a very difficult thing to achieve for most alcoholics.
Please educate yourself about alcoholism and codependency. Let us know how you get on.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: ohio
Posts: 3,615
Hi wcabs,
It’s obvious that you care about your wife and her wellbeing. This is a great site full of lots of good support.
I’m going to try and give you one recovering alcoholic’s perspective.
Cheating and alcoholism don’t go hand in hand. They’re not the same issue. When I was a drinker I did some really dumb things, but cheating wasn’t one of them.
Hopefully she can embrace recovery and live a better, happier, sober life. If you want to stay with her, I hope she doesn’t hurt you again. There aren’t really any guarantees on that, unfortunately.
It’s obvious that you care about your wife and her wellbeing. This is a great site full of lots of good support.
I’m going to try and give you one recovering alcoholic’s perspective.
Cheating and alcoholism don’t go hand in hand. They’re not the same issue. When I was a drinker I did some really dumb things, but cheating wasn’t one of them.
Hopefully she can embrace recovery and live a better, happier, sober life. If you want to stay with her, I hope she doesn’t hurt you again. There aren’t really any guarantees on that, unfortunately.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,979
Originally Posted by Wcabs
Thanks. To be clear, she became sober in Feb 2017, and had three minor relapses. So, 3 small relapses in 11 months (I was there for two of them and may have enabled them, bc I was obviously unaware of the infidelity, but obviously will NEVER drink around her or encourage her to drink again).
Also have you considered Alanon? There does seem to be more women in this but many including our own gentleman moderator, Deserteyes, found it helpful.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Wcabs, I'm not a man and you asked for some feedback from men with similar experience, so I can't help there.
What I can say as a universal idea is that churning this around in your head unresolved is going to take a huge toll on your peace of mind. This is why I suggest you talk to a counsellor as soon as you can arrange it. Just on your own to start with then, if you can see a way forward, with your wife.
It's great you've come to SR, and that you have the wish to discuss, but nothing beats one-on-one with a neutral person. SR is a fantastic resource for education and learning from others' experience though.
As for checking in with you RAW, if she's going to cheat that won't stop her. Resist the impulse if you can, apart from normal contact.
What I can say as a universal idea is that churning this around in your head unresolved is going to take a huge toll on your peace of mind. This is why I suggest you talk to a counsellor as soon as you can arrange it. Just on your own to start with then, if you can see a way forward, with your wife.
It's great you've come to SR, and that you have the wish to discuss, but nothing beats one-on-one with a neutral person. SR is a fantastic resource for education and learning from others' experience though.
As for checking in with you RAW, if she's going to cheat that won't stop her. Resist the impulse if you can, apart from normal contact.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,775
Originally Posted by Wcabs
A few weeks ago my wife (of 3 1/2 years, no children) told me that she had cheated on me 14 months earlier, while on a business trip in Mexico. She’s a recovering alcoholic, and admits that this happened when she got drunk in a Mexican bar. What’s worse is that her ****** female friend/co-worker (who WAS my friend too) was there and, encouraged it to happen, though that’s a story for another day. In any case, she slept with a random guy, and then felt tremendous remorse the next day when sober
When she returned, I had to leave almost immediately to see my family for a reunion. I could tell she was upset, but chalked it up to the many multiple instances of her feeling constantly stressed due to her job. In addition, several times that years, she would go out for one drink with friends/co-workers, and wouldn’t come back until 5am, completely drunk and irrational. I expressed my fears to her each and every morning after, that if she continued, I feared she would cheat on me or possibly get raped. In short, when she returned from Mexico, possibly ready to tell me what happened in Mexico, I was frustrated with her constant sad demeanor, and in hindsight, I should’ve been there.
So, the cheating of November 2016 led to December 2016, where she told me of at least two other drunken instances: 1) kissing/making out at party, and 2) a possible sexual assault. I never knew about #2 but bc of it, she stopped sleeping with me for a month, concerned about any possible STDs (tests came back fine). It pains me to know that a man took advantage of her in such a vulnerable state.
Besides one more drunken kissing (this time with a woman) incident in January 2017, she decided to become sober and did a great job (besides three minor relapses that did not result in infidelity) sticking with a healthy eating and exercise regimen. But during 2017, Her SOBER self hid the horrific things her DRUNKEN self did. How can I reconcile the fact that 14 months of our lives are basically a lie?
In any case , she admitted to this about two and a half weeks ago and my world has NOT been the same since. Since then, I’ve gone through what feels like Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, and find myself CONSTANTLY thinking bad thoughts (like, “if she knew there was a condom on the guy from mexico,then she obviously wasn’t TOO drunk and could’ve stopped it.”, or “did she go down on him?”, or “was he stronger/more attractive than me?”) to doubts about the future... like, “even if I improve my flaws, and even if she is very committed to staying sober, what’s to say that this won’t happen again if she relapses?”
And now she tells me that she needs to leave on ANOTHER work trip in about a week, for three days. As a reminder, she cheated on me on a similar work trip to Mexico, though obviously she knows I’ll be calling/checking in on her very often when she leaves.
Guys... when does this get better? When can I wake up in bed and not get that painful realization a minute later that, “your wife cheated and covered it up for 14 months?” How do I stop the bad thoughts that make me visualize a stranger having the time of his life at my wife’s expense? I trust her as a sober person, but how do I trust her knowing the demon of alcoholism still lurks inside of her?
To her end, she DID confess (obviously 14 months later) and is trying very hard to change/grow and distance herself from alcohol. However, my greatest fear is this: that if I forgive her and she fails me, then we are no longer partners or even friends. If this happens, she will cause me to have real trust issues with ANY future relationship I may have.
What do I do?
When she returned, I had to leave almost immediately to see my family for a reunion. I could tell she was upset, but chalked it up to the many multiple instances of her feeling constantly stressed due to her job. In addition, several times that years, she would go out for one drink with friends/co-workers, and wouldn’t come back until 5am, completely drunk and irrational. I expressed my fears to her each and every morning after, that if she continued, I feared she would cheat on me or possibly get raped. In short, when she returned from Mexico, possibly ready to tell me what happened in Mexico, I was frustrated with her constant sad demeanor, and in hindsight, I should’ve been there.
So, the cheating of November 2016 led to December 2016, where she told me of at least two other drunken instances: 1) kissing/making out at party, and 2) a possible sexual assault. I never knew about #2 but bc of it, she stopped sleeping with me for a month, concerned about any possible STDs (tests came back fine). It pains me to know that a man took advantage of her in such a vulnerable state.
Besides one more drunken kissing (this time with a woman) incident in January 2017, she decided to become sober and did a great job (besides three minor relapses that did not result in infidelity) sticking with a healthy eating and exercise regimen. But during 2017, Her SOBER self hid the horrific things her DRUNKEN self did. How can I reconcile the fact that 14 months of our lives are basically a lie?
In any case , she admitted to this about two and a half weeks ago and my world has NOT been the same since. Since then, I’ve gone through what feels like Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, and find myself CONSTANTLY thinking bad thoughts (like, “if she knew there was a condom on the guy from mexico,then she obviously wasn’t TOO drunk and could’ve stopped it.”, or “did she go down on him?”, or “was he stronger/more attractive than me?”) to doubts about the future... like, “even if I improve my flaws, and even if she is very committed to staying sober, what’s to say that this won’t happen again if she relapses?”
And now she tells me that she needs to leave on ANOTHER work trip in about a week, for three days. As a reminder, she cheated on me on a similar work trip to Mexico, though obviously she knows I’ll be calling/checking in on her very often when she leaves.
Guys... when does this get better? When can I wake up in bed and not get that painful realization a minute later that, “your wife cheated and covered it up for 14 months?” How do I stop the bad thoughts that make me visualize a stranger having the time of his life at my wife’s expense? I trust her as a sober person, but how do I trust her knowing the demon of alcoholism still lurks inside of her?
To her end, she DID confess (obviously 14 months later) and is trying very hard to change/grow and distance herself from alcohol. However, my greatest fear is this: that if I forgive her and she fails me, then we are no longer partners or even friends. If this happens, she will cause me to have real trust issues with ANY future relationship I may have.
What do I do?
What to do?
Go to counseling or get a divorce.
It would really bother me if I found out my wife had been cheating and I would likely want a divorce.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
Originally Posted by Wcabs
Guys... when does this get better? When can I wake up in bed and not get that painful realization a minute later that, “your wife cheated and covered it up for 14 months?” How do I stop the bad thoughts that make me visualize a stranger having the time of his life at my wife’s expense? I trust her as a sober person, but how do I trust her knowing the demon of alcoholism still lurks inside of her?
To her end, she DID confess (obviously 14 months later) and is trying very hard to change/grow and distance herself from alcohol. However, my greatest fear is this: that if I forgive her and she fails me, then we are no longer partners or even friends. If this happens, she will cause me to have real trust issues with ANY future relationship I may have.
What do I do?
To her end, she DID confess (obviously 14 months later) and is trying very hard to change/grow and distance herself from alcohol. However, my greatest fear is this: that if I forgive her and she fails me, then we are no longer partners or even friends. If this happens, she will cause me to have real trust issues with ANY future relationship I may have.
What do I do?
Some of the feelings and questions you wrote about here, I felt them too. I was in shock, went through stages of anger, sadness, confusion, even separated from him for a while because i needed time alone to work on it. I did talk to a therapist. Ever consider it?
What I learned is that it happened and nothing can change it. My husband did have to deal with his actions, shame, guilt. Once its accepted then all one can do is try to ask for forgiveness, be willing to work on trust, and focus on living in a way their partner can clearly see their personal values, beliefs in marriage, commitment, fidelity. Transparency was needed to rebuild trust. Because my husbands infidelity was linked to drugs and alcohol. Transparency in what he was doing to deal with these issues was necessary too.
We did counseling together also, and it helped a lot.
Also, I cant say whats going on in your situation, but in my own. I too felt like he had been living a lie and misleading me, and was anything he said real during the time frame when I didnt know? I believe now what we had was still real.
There are also sites that deal with marriage and cheating issues. You are not alone in dealing with this type of thing unfortunately.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 57
I second the statement saying that cheating and alcoholism are not always entwined. I'm an alcoholic (in early recovery yet again, but working the steps of AA this time), and I had in the past gone to bars, but would never cross that line. A few instances of "offers" scared me and I stopped the bar thing completely. But point being I think besides the addiction she must have some serious character flaws and at just 3.5 years--with no kids--if I were you I'd tell her she had to go to inpatient and she needs to find a job where she doesn't travel until she has at least a year sober. I'm mean, she was raped or had sex when blacked out??? Yes, she's lucky to be alive and you need to know for things like HIV you need to get tested more than once. Look into it yourself because any addict is a very experienced liar. And I'm so sorry for your pain, but come what may, at least you don't have kids. And if your a Christain, you do have Biblical grounds for divorce.
Originally Posted by wehav2day
Hi wcabs,
It’s obvious that you care about your wife and her wellbeing. This is a great site full of lots of good support.
I’m going to try and give you one recovering alcoholic’s perspective.
Cheating and alcoholism don’t go hand in hand. They’re not the same issue. When I was a drinker I did some really dumb things, but cheating wasn’t one of them.
Hopefully she can embrace recovery and live a better, happier, sober life. If you want to stay with her, I hope she doesn’t hurt you again. There aren’t really any guarantees on that, unfortunately.
It’s obvious that you care about your wife and her wellbeing. This is a great site full of lots of good support.
I’m going to try and give you one recovering alcoholic’s perspective.
Cheating and alcoholism don’t go hand in hand. They’re not the same issue. When I was a drinker I did some really dumb things, but cheating wasn’t one of them.
Hopefully she can embrace recovery and live a better, happier, sober life. If you want to stay with her, I hope she doesn’t hurt you again. There aren’t really any guarantees on that, unfortunately.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 6
Each day is long and difficult.
I've lost 13 pounds since I found out about this about 19 days ago), and have functioned on about 4-5 hours of sleep daily for the past three days. And yet, I find myself with enough energy to go to the gym for 2 hours and do tremendous cardio and weight lifting to get my mind off of it... but she's there with me as well. She's encouraging me to go to the gym more (she's been going steadily since February, when she sobered up). I like having her there with me. I don't like being alone without her.
So... it's hard, because in her, I see a person who caused me the greatest trauma of my adult life, and yet, a person who has always been my most trusted friend and true love. So it all goes back to the proverbial... "how could you do this to me?" and then my serenity disappears.
I've lost 13 pounds since I found out about this about 19 days ago), and have functioned on about 4-5 hours of sleep daily for the past three days. And yet, I find myself with enough energy to go to the gym for 2 hours and do tremendous cardio and weight lifting to get my mind off of it... but she's there with me as well. She's encouraging me to go to the gym more (she's been going steadily since February, when she sobered up). I like having her there with me. I don't like being alone without her.
So... it's hard, because in her, I see a person who caused me the greatest trauma of my adult life, and yet, a person who has always been my most trusted friend and true love. So it all goes back to the proverbial... "how could you do this to me?" and then my serenity disappears.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,775
I am a recovering alcoholic and have had a number of chances over the years to cheat on my wife. However, being sober I understood the consequences and have never done so.
When I was drinking (and single) I was never faithful while in a relationship.
When I was drinking (and single) I was never faithful while in a relationship.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 57
You should really seek counseling for yourself and you and your wife together. But again, if she's not "working a program" and doesn't have a sponsor, it's just a matter of time before she drinks again. If this is the case, no wonder you have no peace, because you're witnessing another horrific thing unfolding in slow motion. She needs to be in AA or some other 12-step program, period. And that should just be a bare minimum requirement. For the infidelity peace she needs to hear how it grieved you and you need a third person there to ensure she doesn't minimize your pain or deflect it. And do not drink around her, unless you want more of the pain she's already inflicted on you. Again, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, but now is the crucial time to establish boundaries. And her "work trip" is just a horrible, horrible idea.
Originally Posted by Wcabs
Each day is long and difficult.
I've lost 13 pounds since I found out about this about 19 days ago), and have functioned on about 4-5 hours of sleep daily for the past three days. And yet, I find myself with enough energy to go to the gym for 2 hours and do tremendous cardio and weight lifting to get my mind off of it... but she's there with me as well. She's encouraging me to go to the gym more (she's been going steadily since February, when she sobered up). I like having her there with me. I don't like being alone without her.
So... it's hard, because in her, I see a person who caused me the greatest trauma of my adult life, and yet, a person who has always been my most trusted friend and true love. So it all goes back to the proverbial... "how could you do this to me?" and then my serenity disappears.
I've lost 13 pounds since I found out about this about 19 days ago), and have functioned on about 4-5 hours of sleep daily for the past three days. And yet, I find myself with enough energy to go to the gym for 2 hours and do tremendous cardio and weight lifting to get my mind off of it... but she's there with me as well. She's encouraging me to go to the gym more (she's been going steadily since February, when she sobered up). I like having her there with me. I don't like being alone without her.
So... it's hard, because in her, I see a person who caused me the greatest trauma of my adult life, and yet, a person who has always been my most trusted friend and true love. So it all goes back to the proverbial... "how could you do this to me?" and then my serenity disappears.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
Originally Posted by Ken33xx
I am a recovering alcoholic and have had a number of chances over the years to cheat on my wife. However, being sober I understood the consequences and have never done so.
When I was drinking (and single) I was never faithful while in a relationship.
When I was drinking (and single) I was never faithful while in a relationship.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: CA
Posts: 1,060
Originally Posted by Wcabs
Each day is long and difficult.
I've lost 13 pounds since I found out about this about 19 days ago), and have functioned on about 4-5 hours of sleep daily for the past three days. And yet, I find myself with enough energy to go to the gym for 2 hours and do tremendous cardio and weight lifting to get my mind off of it... but she's there with me as well. She's encouraging me to go to the gym more (she's been going steadily since February, when she sobered up). I like having her there with me. I don't like being alone without her.
So... it's hard, because in her, I see a person who caused me the greatest trauma of my adult life, and yet, a person who has always been my most trusted friend and true love. So it all goes back to the proverbial... "how could you do this to me?" and then my serenity disappears.
I've lost 13 pounds since I found out about this about 19 days ago), and have functioned on about 4-5 hours of sleep daily for the past three days. And yet, I find myself with enough energy to go to the gym for 2 hours and do tremendous cardio and weight lifting to get my mind off of it... but she's there with me as well. She's encouraging me to go to the gym more (she's been going steadily since February, when she sobered up). I like having her there with me. I don't like being alone without her.
So... it's hard, because in her, I see a person who caused me the greatest trauma of my adult life, and yet, a person who has always been my most trusted friend and true love. So it all goes back to the proverbial... "how could you do this to me?" and then my serenity disappears.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
