Newcomer, is he an alcoholic?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 1
Newcomer, is he an alcoholic?
Thanks to someone on GBCN for sending me over. I am 8 months pregnant and currently don't know what to do but I'm going to Al Anon tonight.
My husband is a problem drinker. In 2015 there was an incident in which he blacked out and never came home. I was very pregnant with my 2nd child at that time and couldn't get ahold of him all night. We agreed nothing like that could ever happen again. In late 2016 a similar but worse incident happened, this time he wasn't somewhere safe but passed out in the street. He decided to stop drinking entirely in recognition that he wasn't able to moderate himself once he started getting drunk. Specifically he committed to not drinking for all of 2017 and I feel quite certain he stuck to that. He lost a ton of weight and had a lot more energy - it was so good.
Stroke of midnight 2018 he decides to have a beer. I told him before he starts drinking at all again I want him to write down a list of the red lines that he self-identifies so if he crosses one he can't just say it's me being the bad guy. In retrospect we didn't even come up with what would happen if he did cross a boundary because he was so assured he wouldn't. These are three crossing the line points he chose: (1) drinking liquor, (2) drinking at home unless it's a party or a big football game, (3) being unreachable because of drinking [e.g. going missing again].
There have been three beers sitting in our fridge for a while and yesterday when I was making my breakfast I noticed there were two. I called and asked him if he drank one and he said yes, that he'd had too much caffeine and was having a hard time falling asleep so he drank it and that he knows that's not a good excuse.
Now he's saying he thinks he should go back to not drinking at all because he isn't making good decisions or is misusing alcohol but doesn't identify as having an addiction or alcoholism. So then anything constructive I suggest like treatment, therapy, or AA he rejects because that's for "true addicts." He keeps pointing out he was easily sober for an entire year and he can just do that again. When he says things like this it makes me feel like I am blowing things out of proportion and maybe I am crazy over-sensitive for thinking he's an alcoholic...? But then the ladies on GBCN seemed to think it was very severe. We both grew up with unhealthy alcohol examples around and I don't know what's "normal."
My husband is a problem drinker. In 2015 there was an incident in which he blacked out and never came home. I was very pregnant with my 2nd child at that time and couldn't get ahold of him all night. We agreed nothing like that could ever happen again. In late 2016 a similar but worse incident happened, this time he wasn't somewhere safe but passed out in the street. He decided to stop drinking entirely in recognition that he wasn't able to moderate himself once he started getting drunk. Specifically he committed to not drinking for all of 2017 and I feel quite certain he stuck to that. He lost a ton of weight and had a lot more energy - it was so good.
Stroke of midnight 2018 he decides to have a beer. I told him before he starts drinking at all again I want him to write down a list of the red lines that he self-identifies so if he crosses one he can't just say it's me being the bad guy. In retrospect we didn't even come up with what would happen if he did cross a boundary because he was so assured he wouldn't. These are three crossing the line points he chose: (1) drinking liquor, (2) drinking at home unless it's a party or a big football game, (3) being unreachable because of drinking [e.g. going missing again].
There have been three beers sitting in our fridge for a while and yesterday when I was making my breakfast I noticed there were two. I called and asked him if he drank one and he said yes, that he'd had too much caffeine and was having a hard time falling asleep so he drank it and that he knows that's not a good excuse.
Now he's saying he thinks he should go back to not drinking at all because he isn't making good decisions or is misusing alcohol but doesn't identify as having an addiction or alcoholism. So then anything constructive I suggest like treatment, therapy, or AA he rejects because that's for "true addicts." He keeps pointing out he was easily sober for an entire year and he can just do that again. When he says things like this it makes me feel like I am blowing things out of proportion and maybe I am crazy over-sensitive for thinking he's an alcoholic...? But then the ladies on GBCN seemed to think it was very severe. We both grew up with unhealthy alcohol examples around and I don't know what's "normal."
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Alanon is a great resource. It doesn't matter if your husband is alcoholic or not. It is enough that you have a problem with his drinking.
Another resource is Adult Children of Alcoholics, also known as ACoA or ACA meetings. When I first went to one, I found it's for adult children of alcoholics and other dysfunctional families. Again, no need to diagnose what's going on with someone else before reaching out for help for ourselves.
I'm sorry for what brings you here. I'm glad you've found these forms and are reaching out for face-to-face help from others who've made it through similar situations.
I don't see you throwing anything out of proportion.
(((Hugs)))
Another resource is Adult Children of Alcoholics, also known as ACoA or ACA meetings. When I first went to one, I found it's for adult children of alcoholics and other dysfunctional families. Again, no need to diagnose what's going on with someone else before reaching out for help for ourselves.
I'm sorry for what brings you here. I'm glad you've found these forms and are reaching out for face-to-face help from others who've made it through similar situations.
I don't see you throwing anything out of proportion.
(((Hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 219
Based on the clinical definition of an alcoholic.. his present behavior is not matching the definition. However, prior behavior certainly did.
There is a saying, once an addict, always an addict... he may have it under control now, but it is a very fine line that he walks and it is too easy to step onto the other side....
My wife is an addict.... and her therapist stated that even the slightest consumption of any mind altering substance could easily send her into a relapse. The therapist's recommendation was to abstain from all mind altering substances (unless used as prescribed by a medial MD). So, my recommendation to you would be to ask him to abstain from alcohol entirely....
T
There is a saying, once an addict, always an addict... he may have it under control now, but it is a very fine line that he walks and it is too easy to step onto the other side....
My wife is an addict.... and her therapist stated that even the slightest consumption of any mind altering substance could easily send her into a relapse. The therapist's recommendation was to abstain from all mind altering substances (unless used as prescribed by a medial MD). So, my recommendation to you would be to ask him to abstain from alcohol entirely....
T
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 196
There is a book called Getting Them Sober (Volume I and Volume IV) that they basically states that if you have to ask the question if they are an alcoholic then they probably are.
When I first started dating my husband, he was just a fun guy to go to a bar with. We dated a year and got engaged. It was when I was engaged to him that I realized that there was a little more of a double life. And when I was married to him, I saw the complete picture.
When I first started dating my husband, he was just a fun guy to go to a bar with. We dated a year and got engaged. It was when I was engaged to him that I realized that there was a little more of a double life. And when I was married to him, I saw the complete picture.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
zephyr, I agree that it would be better if your H did give up alcohol altogether, and if he's suggesting he can do that, go with it.
I gave up alcohol for a year myself, and when I got to the end of the year I was so determined not to go back to nightly drinking I just kept going and it's been almost 6 years. The fact that he had a beer in the first minute of the new year is a worry and does suggest he's in denial.
There are no hard and fast facts about how people should stop drinking. Some do it without support like therapy and AA, and others find support essential. I talked to my doctor, and also use SR, but didn't do a program. If your H feels he can stop drinking again, take him up on the offer. He was the one who suggested it, so you can't be accused of forcing him. At the moment he's only had a minor amount of alcohol, but if he keeps 'sipping' it will probably set him back into addiction.
You might have a discussion about the action he'll take if he relapses (therapy etc). Although you have no power to force him to recover, you do have the right to speak on your own behalf about how it's affecting you and the children. How he acts on that info is up to him.
Good luck, I hope you both manage to deal with this successfully.
I gave up alcohol for a year myself, and when I got to the end of the year I was so determined not to go back to nightly drinking I just kept going and it's been almost 6 years. The fact that he had a beer in the first minute of the new year is a worry and does suggest he's in denial.
There are no hard and fast facts about how people should stop drinking. Some do it without support like therapy and AA, and others find support essential. I talked to my doctor, and also use SR, but didn't do a program. If your H feels he can stop drinking again, take him up on the offer. He was the one who suggested it, so you can't be accused of forcing him. At the moment he's only had a minor amount of alcohol, but if he keeps 'sipping' it will probably set him back into addiction.
You might have a discussion about the action he'll take if he relapses (therapy etc). Although you have no power to force him to recover, you do have the right to speak on your own behalf about how it's affecting you and the children. How he acts on that info is up to him.
Good luck, I hope you both manage to deal with this successfully.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
zephyr......it sounds like he is an alcoholic, to me.....not being able to moderate, once started is a classic sign.....
Alcoholism is progressive, over time...so, it will reveal itself, in time....
I like the suggestion of Adult Children of Alcoholics for you....You can get their book and literature from amazon.com....or, the local library. Cheaper, if you get the used material. It would be a real eye opener for you, I think.....
I will, also give you the following link to our extensive library of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones....
I hope you will take the time to read through them....there are enough for you to read one every single day!...lol...
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Alcoholism is progressive, over time...so, it will reveal itself, in time....
I like the suggestion of Adult Children of Alcoholics for you....You can get their book and literature from amazon.com....or, the local library. Cheaper, if you get the used material. It would be a real eye opener for you, I think.....
I will, also give you the following link to our extensive library of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones....
I hope you will take the time to read through them....there are enough for you to read one every single day!...lol...
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
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