Sad but hanging on
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 869
Sad but hanging on
It's been two weeks today since I've seen him. That's the longest I think I have ever gone without contact. When I told him to leave and that I didn't want this anymore, he got very drunk and disappeared. I am not blaming myself either because he was already drinking again when I hit my limit. But it was then when he went off into a bender. Again, not blaming myself because he was due for another.
I've been living life ok, trying to stay positive and functional despite the dark cloud nagging and hanging over me. The truth is that I feel quite afraid and a bit out of control - but not out of control in a crazy way. I feel it quite literally. Out.of.control. As in....I don't have it and it's very hard to accept. As in, I don't really know if he is alive or dead and hey, I still care and I think that's a normal emotion. It's really a mind screw to have developed a bond with another who comes and goes and when they go there is a decent chance it's the last time you'll see them.
I think about the last time I saw him sober and how down he was. How he talked about suicide. I try not to think about it too much or the scaries get to me and suddenly I'm sweating and short of breath. I say instead to myself that he is safe somewhere or recovering at his mom's house. Or I think, his bender is just going a little over than the norm. That it's ok because another alcoholic I talked to just came off of a two week bender and well it's normal. As normal as it can be for the addict.
I try and move on without him and know that even if I had insurance of his safety right now it would still be hard and I would still be grieving, but I think it's the not knowing as the days and hours pass that are trying to get me. My mind wonders if he died and they had the funeral, but since I have no connection to his family or friends nobody would know to tell me. I think about the purple Teletubbie who they found frozen to death on the streets of Liverpool and how some of the comments in the article I read all pointed to "he must have had alcoholism and fell drunk into the streets and died there frozen". My heart sinks a little again, but then I get busy and don't think about it.
I hope things get easier. I am going to spend the weekend with family and looking forward to not having any plans for once. I have lied to them about the relationship so it seems odd now that I am going to lie to them about my anxiety and worry, put on a happy face. My sister knows I left him but also knows he is on a bender and what it does to me, but I play it pretty cool. You never know how strong you can be until you have to be!
I've been living life ok, trying to stay positive and functional despite the dark cloud nagging and hanging over me. The truth is that I feel quite afraid and a bit out of control - but not out of control in a crazy way. I feel it quite literally. Out.of.control. As in....I don't have it and it's very hard to accept. As in, I don't really know if he is alive or dead and hey, I still care and I think that's a normal emotion. It's really a mind screw to have developed a bond with another who comes and goes and when they go there is a decent chance it's the last time you'll see them.
I think about the last time I saw him sober and how down he was. How he talked about suicide. I try not to think about it too much or the scaries get to me and suddenly I'm sweating and short of breath. I say instead to myself that he is safe somewhere or recovering at his mom's house. Or I think, his bender is just going a little over than the norm. That it's ok because another alcoholic I talked to just came off of a two week bender and well it's normal. As normal as it can be for the addict.
I try and move on without him and know that even if I had insurance of his safety right now it would still be hard and I would still be grieving, but I think it's the not knowing as the days and hours pass that are trying to get me. My mind wonders if he died and they had the funeral, but since I have no connection to his family or friends nobody would know to tell me. I think about the purple Teletubbie who they found frozen to death on the streets of Liverpool and how some of the comments in the article I read all pointed to "he must have had alcoholism and fell drunk into the streets and died there frozen". My heart sinks a little again, but then I get busy and don't think about it.
I hope things get easier. I am going to spend the weekend with family and looking forward to not having any plans for once. I have lied to them about the relationship so it seems odd now that I am going to lie to them about my anxiety and worry, put on a happy face. My sister knows I left him but also knows he is on a bender and what it does to me, but I play it pretty cool. You never know how strong you can be until you have to be!
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
oh babe Smarie stop stop stop.. no more fibbing. do you have an Aunt a Grand mother or just your Mom. you can sit down with and open up and spill it all.. please its not good for you or your life. please please come clean Stand Tall Hold the High Ground and Start Punching. for the days to come. please .. love and hugs and prayers and hopes for a better tomorrow.. ardy
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,615
Good for you. Yes, you knew this would be hard and it is.
The more you put yourself out there with regular people who care about you, the better.
It's really too bad that you aren't going to Al-Anon (I assume) because there you wouldn't have to keep any secrets because they understand and that might be reassuring to you.
The more you put yourself out there with regular people who care about you, the better.
It's really too bad that you aren't going to Al-Anon (I assume) because there you wouldn't have to keep any secrets because they understand and that might be reassuring to you.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 219
I find that the more experience I have with addicts, this is just what they do... it is very selfish... so think of yourself as best you can... take care of yourself.. best you can....
Best wishes... I know it is hard.
T
Best wishes... I know it is hard.
T
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 869
Originally Posted by trailmix 
Good for you. Yes, you knew this would be hard and it is.
The more you put yourself out there with regular people who care about you, the better.
It's really too bad that you aren't going to Al-Anon (I assume) because there you wouldn't have to keep any secrets because they understand and that might be reassuring to you.
The more you put yourself out there with regular people who care about you, the better.
It's really too bad that you aren't going to Al-Anon (I assume) because there you wouldn't have to keep any secrets because they understand and that might be reassuring to you.
It's helpful, but sometimes I still feel sad when I go.
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Smarie...I like the self-talk idea. Maybe, do even more of that....have a long extensive mantra that you tell yourself...the same thing...every day..or when you feel panicky. The m ore you do it...the better you can "rewire".
Have you ever thought of going to a therapist, for a few sessions, that practices hypnosis...and/or guided imagry? This is one useful area...for your kind of obsessive, intrusive thoughts....good for averting phobias and associated panic reactions.....(I took a several weeks course in hypnosis (and guided imagry), once...as part of my continuing education credits. It was very interesting...and, it was recommended for this kind of thing. It could give you some tools and techniques that would be helpful.....Be sure to get someone who is properly credentialed....and who uses those techniques a lot with their clients.
Have you ever thought of going to a therapist, for a few sessions, that practices hypnosis...and/or guided imagry? This is one useful area...for your kind of obsessive, intrusive thoughts....good for averting phobias and associated panic reactions.....(I took a several weeks course in hypnosis (and guided imagry), once...as part of my continuing education credits. It was very interesting...and, it was recommended for this kind of thing. It could give you some tools and techniques that would be helpful.....Be sure to get someone who is properly credentialed....and who uses those techniques a lot with their clients.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,979
Argh Smarie, as I've probably said all this before, this stuff hurts so so much. We can not save our qualifiers; we can only save ourselves.
I've thought that we codependents really do have to "choose life" in ways many will never understand. As weird as it is, I so felt that leaving my qualifier was the ONE time I really loved someone, the kind of love that is life changing and life saving. Mine did eventually find sobriety but it was touch and go. I want to think that leaving him in some ways pushed him in that direction. I know staying with him would not have helped him even a smidgen.
Please remember that he is doing exactly what he wants to do and chooses to do. This is his right as a human being. He is out there doing something he loves to do . . . drinking.
I hope you can continue to choose life for yourself even when he eventually calls. It was one of the hardest things Ive every done. Honestly I still love the man who is my qualifier and think of him often. Leaving him didn't change that at all.
I've thought that we codependents really do have to "choose life" in ways many will never understand. As weird as it is, I so felt that leaving my qualifier was the ONE time I really loved someone, the kind of love that is life changing and life saving. Mine did eventually find sobriety but it was touch and go. I want to think that leaving him in some ways pushed him in that direction. I know staying with him would not have helped him even a smidgen.
Please remember that he is doing exactly what he wants to do and chooses to do. This is his right as a human being. He is out there doing something he loves to do . . . drinking.
I hope you can continue to choose life for yourself even when he eventually calls. It was one of the hardest things Ive every done. Honestly I still love the man who is my qualifier and think of him often. Leaving him didn't change that at all.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
hi Smarie, not to discount your strong feelings, but he's been doing this forever. It's what he does. Is this the hold he had over you - that without you he would literally die?
Knowing his history, chance are he's looking after his own needs to drink, meet other women and find someone to be his guardian. If he has come to harm I'm sure you would find out about it eventually, but his life is his own.
You know this, and your post was about the anxiety you're feeling. As an addict I can say that it takes a while for your mind/body to find other things to turn to when feeling anxious. For you it was him, and now he's gone you are gradually finding other strategies. For now, until this reflex disappears, try meditation and deep breathing to get you through the moment. My go-to, which I could do anywhere, was to take 5 deep slow breaths, concentrating on my body. It never failed to calm me.
Knowing his history, chance are he's looking after his own needs to drink, meet other women and find someone to be his guardian. If he has come to harm I'm sure you would find out about it eventually, but his life is his own.
You know this, and your post was about the anxiety you're feeling. As an addict I can say that it takes a while for your mind/body to find other things to turn to when feeling anxious. For you it was him, and now he's gone you are gradually finding other strategies. For now, until this reflex disappears, try meditation and deep breathing to get you through the moment. My go-to, which I could do anywhere, was to take 5 deep slow breaths, concentrating on my body. It never failed to calm me.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Sending hugs to you you smarie. It's warm here in Chicago so he won't be anything like the tellitube.
Stay busy. Go and volunteer and help someone in need. That will warm your heart. No one expects you to get over him, you can still love him and pray for him. That's ok. We just need to stay away from him. Maybe if you give him his time, this could be the alanon miracle they say to stick around for.
Hang in there, put a smile on your face. You got a job and your health and a great family. You have a lot more then a lot of people.. Hugs!!
Stay busy. Go and volunteer and help someone in need. That will warm your heart. No one expects you to get over him, you can still love him and pray for him. That's ok. We just need to stay away from him. Maybe if you give him his time, this could be the alanon miracle they say to stick around for.
Hang in there, put a smile on your face. You got a job and your health and a great family. You have a lot more then a lot of people.. Hugs!!
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
Smarie
I can very much relate to everything you said in your opening. I relate to all of it.
I broke thing off with my addict in June of 2017. It was extremely hard for me to let go. I worried constantly about her. I worried about really bad things happening to her including death by OD or a fatal car accident. I still worry but to a much lesser extend about getting that bad news phone call.
I worried constantly over her whether I was with her or not with her. Crazy things happened constantly when I was with her. There was no end to it.
Back in June when I posted my story on SR, I was strongly advised to go no contact. I didn't follow that advice. I couldn't bring myself to do it. It took all of my strength to walk away. I don't even know how I was able to do it. I couldn't block all means of contact. I didn't have the strength back then to do it.
About 6 weeks went by without contact. That was by far the longest period we ever went without talking to each other. I was committed in my mind not to contact her. She contacted me - three times in one week in mid July. It was ugly & left me in very bad shape.
The couple months prior to June, she was heavily chasing her addictions. She became very distant. I didn't know who she was. A dramatic change occurred. She has been a hard core drug addict since her late teens. Close to 20 years. I didn't know when I met her, but I only knew her as an addict. In mid July she was still heavily chasing her addictions. It tore me up. I had no choice I went no contact.
My point in above, is you need to save yourself. You (same as me) cant save him. He can die from his addiction with or without you (same as mine). I've read your various threads. I know you have been given the advice to go no contact. I know you struggle with it. I struggled with it too.
In the end, I had no choice but to save myself. She cant help herself let alone help me. The answers to my problems concerning my relationship with her do not lie with her. She cant help me with those answers. If she could I would be all over it.
Your path to peace & healing is not going to be easy. But there is a path. There is hope for you. It will take great strength & determination to save yourself. I hope you choose to do so. For me time away has helped me greatly.
I wish you peace. I am very sorry for your situation.
I can very much relate to everything you said in your opening. I relate to all of it.
I broke thing off with my addict in June of 2017. It was extremely hard for me to let go. I worried constantly about her. I worried about really bad things happening to her including death by OD or a fatal car accident. I still worry but to a much lesser extend about getting that bad news phone call.
I worried constantly over her whether I was with her or not with her. Crazy things happened constantly when I was with her. There was no end to it.
Back in June when I posted my story on SR, I was strongly advised to go no contact. I didn't follow that advice. I couldn't bring myself to do it. It took all of my strength to walk away. I don't even know how I was able to do it. I couldn't block all means of contact. I didn't have the strength back then to do it.
About 6 weeks went by without contact. That was by far the longest period we ever went without talking to each other. I was committed in my mind not to contact her. She contacted me - three times in one week in mid July. It was ugly & left me in very bad shape.
The couple months prior to June, she was heavily chasing her addictions. She became very distant. I didn't know who she was. A dramatic change occurred. She has been a hard core drug addict since her late teens. Close to 20 years. I didn't know when I met her, but I only knew her as an addict. In mid July she was still heavily chasing her addictions. It tore me up. I had no choice I went no contact.
My point in above, is you need to save yourself. You (same as me) cant save him. He can die from his addiction with or without you (same as mine). I've read your various threads. I know you have been given the advice to go no contact. I know you struggle with it. I struggled with it too.
In the end, I had no choice but to save myself. She cant help herself let alone help me. The answers to my problems concerning my relationship with her do not lie with her. She cant help me with those answers. If she could I would be all over it.
Your path to peace & healing is not going to be easy. But there is a path. There is hope for you. It will take great strength & determination to save yourself. I hope you choose to do so. For me time away has helped me greatly.
I wish you peace. I am very sorry for your situation.
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