Struggling
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 1
Struggling
Very thankful to find this site and know that I'm not alone. My AH and I have been married for 15 years. He's been an alcoholic almost the entire time (entire time? Not sure). What started out as annoyance and irritation by his behavior after drinking at night has turned into complete Hell for me. He is now a maintenance drinker...he wakes up vomiting and has to drink (vodka) throughout the day just to feel normal. He's been to detox twice - the first time he was sober for 2 weeks (he went after falling and almost severing his ear. He had a BAC of .45; the doctors were shocked he was alive); this past time (Sept) for 7 weeks.
In the last year, he's become very mean, which is not his personality at all. He calls me fat (I'm only 5-10 pounds overweight). When I was going through treatment for breast cancer last year, he told me that I caused myself to get it. I've been falsely accused of having multiple affairs. When I cry out of frustration, he tells me I'm mentally unstable and he's afraid to let me be alone with the kids (oh, the irony). Thing is, he's completely and totally unapologetic for everything he has said and done. He is so self-centered and only focused on what HE is going through. I truly believe the alcohol is affecting his brain.
I have just started going to a therapist (who very aggressively told me that I'm being verbally and emotionally abused and promptly told me to call a lawyer) and I went to my first al-anon meeting yesterday. "Detach" I'm told. Hard to do when we have three young children, three children who I'm trying to protect from seeing what's going on in this house.
One foot in front of the other...one day at a time...
In the last year, he's become very mean, which is not his personality at all. He calls me fat (I'm only 5-10 pounds overweight). When I was going through treatment for breast cancer last year, he told me that I caused myself to get it. I've been falsely accused of having multiple affairs. When I cry out of frustration, he tells me I'm mentally unstable and he's afraid to let me be alone with the kids (oh, the irony). Thing is, he's completely and totally unapologetic for everything he has said and done. He is so self-centered and only focused on what HE is going through. I truly believe the alcohol is affecting his brain.
I have just started going to a therapist (who very aggressively told me that I'm being verbally and emotionally abused and promptly told me to call a lawyer) and I went to my first al-anon meeting yesterday. "Detach" I'm told. Hard to do when we have three young children, three children who I'm trying to protect from seeing what's going on in this house.
One foot in front of the other...one day at a time...
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
CamiraT,
(((Hugs)))
I've been there. I get it.
One thing I read recently at the beginning of the book "How Alanon Works":
It is not necessary to decide how to resolve the situation once and for all—only how to get out of harm’s way until this process of awareness, acceptance, and action can free us to make choices for ourselves that we can live with.
I didn't realize when I came into Alanon that emotional, psychological and verbal abuse IS every bit as damaging as physical abuse.
I encourage you to contact a local domestic violence help center for support.
Getting out of an abusive environment allows time and space for healing.... time and space to start seeing more choices... time and space to make healthy decisions for ourselves and our children.
You're asking great questions and taking great steps. The bigger and stronger your support network, the better.
(((Hugs)))
I've been there. I get it.
One thing I read recently at the beginning of the book "How Alanon Works":
It is not necessary to decide how to resolve the situation once and for all—only how to get out of harm’s way until this process of awareness, acceptance, and action can free us to make choices for ourselves that we can live with.
I didn't realize when I came into Alanon that emotional, psychological and verbal abuse IS every bit as damaging as physical abuse.
I encourage you to contact a local domestic violence help center for support.
Getting out of an abusive environment allows time and space for healing.... time and space to start seeing more choices... time and space to make healthy decisions for ourselves and our children.
You're asking great questions and taking great steps. The bigger and stronger your support network, the better.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Right now you are dealing with a cunning, baffling disease that effects all who are near it. Alcoholism is vicious... it has many tactics it'll use to keep us and the alcoholic hostage.
I am going to add a link about not taking things personally. These attacks feel very personal, and yet they are symptoms of a very ill person. The treatment is counter-intuitive. It requires that we care for ourselves FIRST. Anything having to do with the alcoholic will become more apparent as we have time and space to heal.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ml#post6758338 (The Second Agreement)
I am going to add a link about not taking things personally. These attacks feel very personal, and yet they are symptoms of a very ill person. The treatment is counter-intuitive. It requires that we care for ourselves FIRST. Anything having to do with the alcoholic will become more apparent as we have time and space to heal.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ml#post6758338 (The Second Agreement)
One foot in front of the other...one day at a time...
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Camira.....I agree that you are living in a very abusive environment....I also, encourage you to contact your local domestic violence center.....
Remember that you don't have to be hit to be abused.....there are several things that fall under the definition of abuse...such as mental and psychological abuse....
They can offer you many types of services that you may not be aware of...such as a safe place to stay...counseling of various kinds..referral to legal services...housing, employment, financial services, transportation...etc....They also have support groups....They are very understanding and are trained to deal with situations such as yours..and, really want to help you...
It is free, and confidential...you are not obligated to do anything that you don't want too..
You can just talk on the phone, if you wish. Sometimes, just talking to someone can bring a lot of relief....knowing the help is there when you ever need it....
The number is....1-800-799-7233...
I am, also, going to give you the following website to a legal website for women. It is arranged by state...It is educational in nature, and will help you to get your thoughts organized and to know what questions to ask...if you ever do see a lawyer.
In any case ...it is very important to know your rights...I encourage to look it over....
www.womansdivorce.com
Remember that you don't have to be hit to be abused.....there are several things that fall under the definition of abuse...such as mental and psychological abuse....
They can offer you many types of services that you may not be aware of...such as a safe place to stay...counseling of various kinds..referral to legal services...housing, employment, financial services, transportation...etc....They also have support groups....They are very understanding and are trained to deal with situations such as yours..and, really want to help you...
It is free, and confidential...you are not obligated to do anything that you don't want too..
You can just talk on the phone, if you wish. Sometimes, just talking to someone can bring a lot of relief....knowing the help is there when you ever need it....
The number is....1-800-799-7233...
I am, also, going to give you the following website to a legal website for women. It is arranged by state...It is educational in nature, and will help you to get your thoughts organized and to know what questions to ask...if you ever do see a lawyer.
In any case ...it is very important to know your rights...I encourage to look it over....
www.womansdivorce.com
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Location: Sherman Oaks, CA
Posts: 123
This was a very good post today, thanks everyone.
My AB is acting very ugly in his sobriety and I have detached now with no contact. It's very hard to let go and not engage, I had the kind of nightmares last night that would spring me back to questioning and forcing solutions. It never helps and he just uses it as a place to put me down. There is nothing I can do and that is so scary for me.
My AB is acting very ugly in his sobriety and I have detached now with no contact. It's very hard to let go and not engage, I had the kind of nightmares last night that would spring me back to questioning and forcing solutions. It never helps and he just uses it as a place to put me down. There is nothing I can do and that is so scary for me.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Camira, certainly your therapist is correct about the abuse, but she may have sprung the lawyer thing on you too soon for you to absorb. Nevertheless, she has a point.
As Dandy suggests there are resources out there for you to contact, and it would be a good idea not to delay too long for yours and the children's sake. They can give you a context regarding alcohol and abuse, and some plans for it it escalates.
Keep going with the therapist and tell her to tone it down if you feel she's too aggressive.
As Dandy suggests there are resources out there for you to contact, and it would be a good idea not to delay too long for yours and the children's sake. They can give you a context regarding alcohol and abuse, and some plans for it it escalates.
Keep going with the therapist and tell her to tone it down if you feel she's too aggressive.
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