24violets

I'm so angry with myself. I had 80 sober days, 80!!! warning this is a lot of me yelling at myself and venting. I want to write it all out so I won't forget how bad this really is.

I failed at my first party. Knowing I would not be able to stop, or moderate, possibly make a fool of myself, I freaking jumped right off the cliff and swan dived flat on my face. I went from one beer to Several 16oz cups of wine to several glasses of wiskey on ice, to more beer and more wine. I blacked out and apparently was almost violent when my husband tried to take away my wine on my nightstand at the end of the night. I popped up the next morning acting just fine like I always do. no human should be able to drink that much and live!!! This is ridiculous. I was very shakey when I woke up and felt like I had a numb brain. I did have no feeling in my arm again. that had gotten better after quitting. My brain still feels numb and slow. my speech is slow still.

day 4 and I'm still shaking. my whole body jerks when I'm sleeping which wakes me up. I am soaking wet with sweat and have to change clothes in the middle of the night. I went through all this the last time and yet I chose to do this to myself again.

Please God I don't ever want to do this again. yet I was tempted tonight after a stressful day and because I just feel so crappy.

I felt so good during my 80 days sober. I want to feel that way again. I just feel so sad and tired right now. thanks to anyone who even read my confession. I hate myself even typing it. But I want to remember how this feels. I feel like such a pile of twitching garbage

Maudcat

Begin again, 24violets.
Now you know that parties are good things to avoid in the early days.
How will you do this the next time so you can retain your sobriety.?

PalmerSage

24violets, I'm so sorry this happened, but thank you so much for posting as a reminder to all of us. I know that "numb brain" feeling well, it is the absolute WORST. What happened leading up to the party? Were you giving yourself mental room to slip? (((hugs)))

least

I hope you will do whatever it takes to stay sober for good.

Hevyn

That's how I felt the last time I drank, 24violets. I was thoroughly disgusted with myself, and more determined than ever to get free. I never drank again after that, and it's been 10 yrs. Sounds like you're ready to ditch it for good. We know you can!

24violets

I worried all day about if I could handle it and what my plan was. I made it to the same event sober in the past because I was sick. Two ‘friends’ said that I should drink because they didn’t like me when I’m sober. They prefer the life of the party girl! Threat kept popping into my head. I just got myself so freaking stressed about how hard it would be to not drink especially since I was feeling so great now, so many thoughts that I battled all day. It became like a loud roar in my brain. I don’t think I was ready for this. I should have called someone or posted here for help. Fighting it on my own, fat failure. I CANT do this Alone. That is my take away. I am not strong enough. I need to put more effort into building an Arsenal to fight this war

ProfessorD

Yes, begin again, as everyone says above. Think of it as an opportunity to learn about yourself, what leads you to drink, and how you can say no to the first drink next time. Don't beat yourself up! The good news is you're here and you're trying.

faith823

You are not alone. I am going through similar experience. I also experience the body jerking during sleep. Congrats on day 4. Keep going and 2018 will be your year of a new beginning!!

24violets

Thank you so much for your kind encouraging words. I felt so great before. I will get there again. I’m so so thankful to each of you. Happy tears on my face to not have to face this monster alone.

Hevyn

Of course you'll get there again - there is no doubt.

columbus

I think the reason so many of us try it again is that (apparently) the human brain doesn't "remember" pain, even instructive pain. Perhaps something like the childbirth experience (from what I've heard).

SO, no matter how horrible this experience is,
esp. because of how horrible it is

I hope you never forget it.

scottynz

You came here and you shared openly and honestly and in doing so probably helped a lot of people. You can do this, 80 days remains a huge achievement and this experience is something to learn from.

The frenemies who prefer you drinking definitely are not friends. You can do this, remember what happened, but be kind to yourself too, onwards and upwards.

WIwoman

Have you participated in therapy? I know what you mean about feeling so good in sobriety. It's like a compulsion to pick up sometimes even if you don't really want to drink. I am sure part of the alcoholic brain is the desire to sabotage when things are smooth sailing. Thinking good thoughts for you.

Dee74

Dust yourself off and start again 24Violets - use what happened to make your new improved recovery plan that much stronger

D

DontRemember

I had a whole post typed out because,no offense, I couldn't get past your start..reminded me of me.. anyways... What's your plan and do you have one?

Delilah1

Glad you came right back here today. 80 days is a good amount of sober time,and you will get it back again.

Your gut feeling was there about the party before you went, next time listen to that gnawing feeling, even if it means missing parties until you have a little more sober time. You've got this.

Hopedeferred

Hi 24violets...I'm glad you typed your confession...I'm restarting for like the hundredth. Want to hear something really pathetic? Yesterday afternoon had 3 glasses of wine and felt guilty but had a huge fight with my husband in the eve and wanted more...so I decided to go to a meeting instead. Took the wrong exit tho and ended up on the turnpike and instead of just turning around at next exit I went to a bar! Felt like crap all day and can't sleep now...have to go to my regular Thursday Serenity group tomorrow and confess I'm at the drawing board again...hate doing this as some really good people are pouring into my life...you'd think I'd honor that but fighting the urge more...but I don't. Just hate reeking of shame! It's been awhile since I've had 4 days so good for you. And the fact you had 80 before that...well I've not had that long in over 16 years/when I was pregnant with my second child! So keep posting each day and I'll pray you don't get stuck in the shame cycle...id like to follow you and get to 90 days right there with you! 🙏🏻🌾💙

Lostintime1984

80 days is 80 success stories. Some can't make it 80 hours. Dust yourself off,relace your boots and march on to victory. Congratulations on your 80 days. Big step for anyone.

wiseheart

Oh, 24violets. I am sorry to hear that you are not feeling well, but so glad that you came right back. Thanks for sharing. We are all in the same boat, always just one drink away from oblivion. Let's move forward.

Nonsensical

When I went to my first few parties sober I felt awkward. I'm sure I behaved awkwardly, and that made other people uncomfortable. The old Nonsensical-the-Jokemeister was much funner to be around than the sullen, defensive guy who showed up looking like me. No one ever said, "We don't like you sober", to my face, but I felt like they were thinking it.

As I became more comfortable in my sobriety, others became more comfortable around me.

Best of Luck on Your Journey.